Am I too old fashioned?

RubyRubixcube

Am I being old fashioned for wanting to be married before having children with my partner... is this not a done thing in this day and age? Just interested to hear peoples opinions

randomtai

Nothing wrong with wanting that. Sometimes things don't work out like that however..

stinkpurty

No, it's not old-fashonied. It's a personal choice. Children before marriage or after marriage, neither is more right or wrong than than the other. It all boils down to personal choice. However, like the above poster said, it doesn't always work out that way, even with birth control.

Rompa_87

I think that's fine. I find it odd how people have kids first before getting married considering kids are way more responsibility :P

WinnerVictorious

Am I being old fashioned for wanting to be married before having children with my partner... is this not a done thing in this day and age? Just interested to hear peoples opinions

you're not old fashioned. you are wise.

Gallowmere1984

I am one of the few people who refuses to breed (largely because with my personality, the child would likely end up spending most of his time as a bleeding husk. I have no patience for stupidity, even in the course of learning.), so you can take anything I say on the subject with a grain of salt.

I don't think it matters much either way, honestly. Marriage is little more than a contract, unless it means more to you than that. As such, if you possess the dedication to make a marriage work, you could do just fine without it. Of course, in this case, it takes two to make it work either way.

That being said, it's ultimately your decision to make, and no one (your partner included) should try to tip you one way or the other. Allowing such to happen can lead to problems later that may not have otherwise existed.

RubyRubixcube

Oh I understand if it happens it happens (it explains my sisters first two children who i love to the moon and back).. its just that lately my partner seems to be planning my pregnancy but disregarding even the idea of a wedding.
We're financially in a situation where a wedding is not going to be a huge burden on us. I just dont understand his family planning with out the marriage. He knows I want to be married before children, but keeps telling me oh we can do that later.

I'm not turning to the internet for advice, I'm going to talk to him about this and see it from his point of view and come to a mutual understanding with him..

Its just made me think alot.

emilydumarce

definitely not. i often tell people to wait awhile after the marriage as well. my ex husband and i were married for a few months when he said he was ready. i was not but after his begging and pleading i gave in. needless to say, as soon as i got pregnant he began resenting me. and we knew and dated each other for years before then. so its very hard for me to trust others and important to me for people to show their true colors. just be very careful. someone can change in the blink of an eye, literally. listen to your head, and your heart, and make the best decision for YOU. if he loves you, he will wait until you are ready!!

WinnerVictorious

Oh I understand if it happens it happens (it explains my sisters first two children who i love to the moon and back).. its just that lately my partner seems to be planning my pregnancy but disregarding even the idea of a wedding.
We're financially in a situation where a wedding is not going to be a huge burden on us. I just dont understand his family planning with out the marriage. He knows I want to be married before children, but keeps telling me oh we can do that later.

I'm not turning to the internet for advice, I'm going to talk to him about this and see it from his point of view and come to a mutual understanding with him..

Its just made me think alot.

if you're not married, it's much easier for him to skip out on you or even rationalize cheating on you. that's a simple fact. the purpose of marriage is not so the husband/wife can feel good about themselves. it's a social contract that the state enforces because it benefits the upbringing of the children, benefits society, and helps ensure the continuation of society. so even a non-religious civil wedding is not a trivial thing to be taken lightly.

ask around and find out how many people you know who had kids outside of wedlock and see how many of those men stuck around after the kids were born and didn't cheat. the ones likely to stick around are the ones who don't have a problem getting married or talking about marriage. the guys who don't want to talk about marriage are not ones you want to have a kid with. remember, if you have a kid with some guy who is going to run off with somebody else a year later when it's not "fun" being a dad anymore is also somebody who you're going to be forced to spend the next 18 or so years dealing with for child support.

FlaxMilk

I had no idea this was considered old-fashioned. I think it's still considered the gold standard by many though society has grown much more accepting of people who don't do it this way.

banshishi

I don't think its old fashioned, I do think it is no longer a socially driven expectation..personally marriage for me was a pointless exercise, I am an atheist there for it held no religious significance, The legal advantages were minimal, however it was important to my partner at the time, he wanted to be married before children so I married him...the only downside was that at the end of the day as stated above, it didnt really mean that much to me, but it did to him and it caused conflict, it was something he threw back at me on a regular basis if there were arguments. I loved him and respected his desires in the matter tho, and if you feel strongly about it, you do need to sort it, or you will feel like he has run rough shod over your feelings. But no, I dont think its old fashioned at all, every one is entitled to their own beliefs and to decide how they want their family to be structured.

spozzybear

For me it's more about our future children having the same last name as both parents. but that's just me.

Tiffany083

It's not old fashion. I agree that it's a personal choice. The concept of marriage is changing and some people think it's old fashion because of that change. However, being married does show stability in a relationship. That is a plus for you, your spouse, and your potential children. As far as waiting, that's again, a personal choice. I've been married for over 8 years with no kids. I want kids and so does my husband, but the time isn't right. We joke that we're still kids, so we should have them yet. I'm in college, and I don't want to choose my kids over school. I've also learned through my own person experiences and what my friends have gone through, is that there never is a right time, BUT... there IS such a thing as a wrong time!

Bottom line: Do what you think is best for YOU!!! Do not get pressured into something you don't believe is right.

blakejohn

the world is way over populated, I tell my 20 year old to wait till she's out of college and has been working a few years.

good for you on waiting ask any parent having a child changes your life forever

RubyRubixcube

For me it's more about our future children having the same last name as both parents. but that's just me.

haha I'm the same! I have a very diverse family, none of us children share the same last name, and I dont have my mom's last name and my dad skipped out on the family when I was 7 so even though I have his last name he's not really mfamily anymore.
I want my partners last name and my children(s) last names to all be the same

zachatta

Am I being old fashioned for wanting to be married before having children with my partner... is this not a done thing in this day and age? Just interested to hear peoples opinions

Financially sound and married, i totally agree with you OP.

Having a baby when you are not financially sound is a one way ticket to poverty.

BinaryPulsar

I was friends with my husband for 8 years, in relationship for 6 years, and married for 4 years before we had our first child. I personally did not grow up in a stable family and that is why I made smart choices for my own family life.

marceguerrero

No, it's not old-fashonied. It's a personal choice. Children before marriage or after marriage, neither is more right or wrong than than the other. It all boils down to personal choice. However, like the above poster said, it doesn't always work out that way, even with birth control.

Right on the mark!

Toya2xcel

No you are not old fashioned. You are wise to make that decision for yourself. I have two children and have been married 4 years and I cant imagine not being married and having kids.

Ocarina

I think it's a more well planned and committed route. It takes a lot more to walk away from a marriage then a mutual relationship. Both work just one is more tied up then the other.

I personally got married young and have been married for 3-4 years. Still no kids and don't plan on it for a long time yet. I got college to complete and I want to work for a bit. I think it's a much better set up then if me and my husband just decided to have kids really early without anything else laid out first. For us it would not have worked out well.

glahlstedt

Wait until u are married. It is the best way to raise a child. I got married at 33 years old, and had my daughter at 35. From my personal experience, it is surely better to wait!!!