How to handle it all :(
DoingItForME724
Posts: 130 Member
I hate feeling down about myself when I know there are others with way more challenges but I feel so down about losing weight. With my kids, husband and work i just cannot manage. My day starts at 5am every morning and evenings end at 11pm. I don't know how to tell my husband he needs to fend for himself so I can have time to work out.....any other women have issues with a husband who is dependant on you for everything???
I need some encouragement
I need some encouragement
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Replies
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Husbands have to be trained. Just like you weren't born knowing how to do everything, neither are our spouses. If he aboslutely cannot be taught to fend for himself, then simplify as much as possible. Streamline meals, etc.0
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Are you a SAHM, or do you work outside of the home? If a SAHM, maybe look into a mommy's morning out program to send the kiddo's to a couple of times a week. That would get you some free time. If you work outside the home, any chance you could use your lunch breaks to workout, then eat your lunch at your desk? Also, maybe if you sat down with your husband and worked out a scheduled, so he would know exactly what nights you need him to be on point so you can do your workouts.0
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Just tell him you have to do this for yourself and go. He's a big boy, he can survive. If a person is THAT dependent on you and they're not your kid, there's something wrong. It just takes 30-60 minutes a day.0
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The difficulty does not lie in your husband fending for himself. The difficulty is in you feeling comfortable stating what you need and requesting his support.. Are you so afraid of his 'no' that you don't want to bring up the topic with him? Or are you afraid that he will say yes, and you will then have to follow through? The longer you wait , the more you delay your making any changes.0
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Are you a SAHM, or do you work outside of the home? If a SAHM, maybe look into a mommy's morning out program to send the kiddo's to a couple of times a week. That would get you some free time. If you work outside the home, any chance you could use your lunch breaks to workout, then eat your lunch at your desk? Also, maybe if you sat down with your husband and worked out a scheduled, so he would know exactly what nights you need him to be on point so you can do your workouts.
I work outside the home my commute is 45 minutes each way and i have to drop off my kids and pick them up. I don't get home till around 5:30pm. I go for walks on my breaks but the whole food thing is also an issue because im so limited on time and my husband hates anything healthy i just eat whatever i make him. usually mexican food which we all know is extremly fattening. I've tried the schedule thing and he will agree but after a few days he starts to complain about me neglecting him and our boys for my own selfish reasons
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Just tell him you have to do this for yourself and go. He's a big boy, he can survive. If a person is THAT dependent on you and they're not your kid, there's something wrong. It just takes 30-60 minutes a day.The difficulty does not lie in your husband fending for himself. The difficulty is in you feeling comfortable stating what you need and requesting his support.. Are you so afraid of his 'no' that you don't want to bring up the topic with him? Or are you afraid that he will say yes, and you will then have to follow through? The longer you wait , the more you delay your making any changes.
It is my fault for allowing him to become so dependant but now its a fight just to let me shower alone because he's so use to me taking the kids a shower at the same time.....I get about 30 minutes of alone time a day and thats when i have lunch at work......I do believe he needs to be trained I just do not have the energy to work with the situation....0 -
He's the one who sounds selfish if you ask me. What exactly does he do if you're doing everything? If he doesn't like what you make for dinner, then tell him he can cook. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership and you are getting the short end of the stick in my opinion. We all need and deserve time to ourselves and you will be a better wife, mom, and person if you take the time to take care of yourself.0
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My situation is similar, however I work 3 12hr days a week so fortunately I am able to complete my workouts on my days off. My suggestion would be to do crockpot meals 3-4 times per week on the nights u plan to workout. Come home and hand the kids off to your hubby to do a 30 minute workout, then do dinner.
Does he have something he likes to do for fun each night/day? For example my hubby likes to play XBox, so if he wants to play Xbox then he needs to help me so I can do what I like (workout) this way you each get your own thing you like to do and the kiddos are still taken care of, good luck!
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I've tried the schedule thing and he will agree but after a few days he starts to complain about me neglecting him and our boys for my own selfish reasons
Selfish? He thinks his wife getting fit and sexy for him is selfish?? He needs a boot to the head. He also needs to pick up his own bootstraps and help out more. This does not sound like a supportive and loving husband Send him our way to give him a talking to. 0 -
Find a gym that has a daycare, I know mine does, drop the kids off and enjoy yourself for just 30 minutes, I would like to think they can do with out you for 30 minutes. As far as the hubby, it sounds like he is not very supportive and I would imagine it's not just in you trying to obtain your weight loss goals. There should be some give and take, you shouldn't have to take care of the kids and him, he's a grown man. My husband hates cooking, so I do that part, but he more than makes up for it in other ways like taking care of other things around the house. You are just going to have to get him to meet you half way some where. As far as the food, you can do mexican a new way, I love ethnic cuisine and with a little creativity you can easily make stuff that will support your goals and keep him happy.0
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30 Day Shred is 20 minutes long.0
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Are you a SAHM, or do you work outside of the home? If a SAHM, maybe look into a mommy's morning out program to send the kiddo's to a couple of times a week. That would get you some free time. If you work outside the home, any chance you could use your lunch breaks to workout, then eat your lunch at your desk? Also, maybe if you sat down with your husband and worked out a scheduled, so he would know exactly what nights you need him to be on point so you can do your workouts.
I work outside the home my commute is 45 minutes each way and i have to drop off my kids and pick them up. I don't get home till around 5:30pm. I go for walks on my breaks but the whole food thing is also an issue because im so limited on time and my husband hates anything healthy i just eat whatever i make him. usually mexican food which we all know is extremly fattening. I've tried the schedule thing and he will agree but after a few days he starts to complain about me neglecting him and our boys for my own selfish reasons
I say admit your being selfish. I mean, come on, you do want to live longer to see your kids prosper after all!
If he wants to say your doing it for selfish reasons, then he doesn't understand IMO. Explain to him the REASONS why you want to be healthy. Tell him you want to live longer so you can be there longer for your kids. Explain that heating unhealthy foods will get a shorter life, and if he wants to keep eating unhealthy foods, he can make them himself. He's an adult, if he doesn't know how to make his own food, then he can either learn or let you cook healthy foods and deal with it. At the same time, make him cook dinner while you work out. That way dinner gets done and you can get your exercising in. ~ Just suggestions of course 0 -
http://nicegirlsfinishfat.com/ You don't even need to read the book, there are some helpful take aways just from the site.
Annnnd basically what everyone else said. Honestly, if you treated your friends or family the way you treat yourself, you wouldn't have many people around you. You have to put your health first in some scenarios, if you're not healthy, you can't be there for your kids and your husband in your full capacity. Also, you want to set a good example for your children too!0 -
It does seem hard at times, but take it one day at a time, one challenge at a time.
I actually make mexican a lot and it doesn't have to be so fattening...So much is about portion control. I swap out sourcream for some greek yogurt, and sometimes I will mix in some taco seasoning (use that as a dressing along with salsa), add some avocado for the healthy fats and it's so good. I weigh everything that goes on my plate. I will let others do the burritos's or tacos then make myself a salad. If you have to have some crunch, crumble up a couple of chips on top. Cook for you. If he doesn't like it then tell him to figure something out for himself. But healthy food doesn't have to be tasteless bland or boring.
You also said he complains about you being selfish? Maybe ask him why your need to be healthy for you, the kids and him is selfish. If he has to articulate it and explain his reasoning he'll see how absurd he is. Ask him why he isn't selfish not not wanting to help get the kids ready or expecting to get waited on hand and foot. I've found that people in my life have treated me as a housekeeper because I was ok with it until I wasn't...Try to help him find a different perspective on your roles in the household.
For this to work you have to find your voice with him and your family. You can do this.0 -
Are you a SAHM, or do you work outside of the home? If a SAHM, maybe look into a mommy's morning out program to send the kiddo's to a couple of times a week. That would get you some free time. If you work outside the home, any chance you could use your lunch breaks to workout, then eat your lunch at your desk? Also, maybe if you sat down with your husband and worked out a scheduled, so he would know exactly what nights you need him to be on point so you can do your workouts.
I work outside the home my commute is 45 minutes each way and i have to drop off my kids and pick them up. I don't get home till around 5:30pm. I go for walks on my breaks but the whole food thing is also an issue because im so limited on time and my husband hates anything healthy i just eat whatever i make him. usually mexican food which we all know is extremly fattening. I've tried the schedule thing and he will agree but after a few days he starts to complain about me neglecting him and our boys for my own selfish reasons
My husband tried to use the "I don't like healthy food" line too. I still cooked amazing food, just healthier, and told him to try it. If he didn't like it, he knew where the peanut butter and jelly was located.:laugh: He tried it and guess what there has only been two things I have cooked in about 6 months, he didn't like and it was because they were to spicy. The whole I don't like healthy food line gets on my nerves. Cook food for you. If he doesn't like it, he is a big boy.
As for working out, like a couple of people have mentioned, quick 20-30 minute DVDs, a gym with a daycare, find a family member or a friend to watch the kiddos. Tell him he has to watch them for an hour. I work 40-50 hours a week and I am alone with our daughter when I get off from work. He doesn't get home until 10 or 11 at night. I still find time to cook good food, exercise, clean house, and take care of 7 month old every day. You have to set your priorities and go through with them. Otherwise, you are just creating excuses for yourself. I have found having great motivational friends helps a WHOLE lot!!!0 -
Unfortunately you have to TELL them (in a nice way of course) what you're going to do. I will say for instance "Honey, I'm going to start dinner. Can you empty the dishwasher?" Or, "I'm going to put the baby down the bed, then work out, will you be ok w/ the other kids?" If you don't say what you want, they aren't going to know. The first year of having our 1st child together child (my 2nd) was hell. I was ready to KILL him, because he just sat back and let me do it all. I realized, after blowing up of course, that all I had to do was ask or tell him what was needed. If you're doing it all, they're going to assume you CAN and WANT to do it all. Not saying they're dense but...well they can be. Good luck, hon!0
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I feel for you!! I too have a busy schedule and dependant husband. I have been trying to squeeze in extra steps where I can and have been having my kids workout and go walking with me. Hoping to instill a healthy life style for them. I have tried getting to bed a lil earlier and getting up 20 to 30 mins earlier to squeeze in a video. I've started on Biggest loser Cardio Max 5 min warm up and either a 10 or 20 min workout. I have actually stopped do as much around the house ( husband is complaining) But I tell him he can help out more and having the kids do more as well. I am only 1 person and need to do this for me. I'm 35 with a heart condition. My dr wants me under 200 and tell my husband he will like it once I lose theweight and have more energy. He's getting a little better(reluctantly). It can be a battle but you need to do this for you!! Get the kids involved park farther away and walk. Take the stairs. I use 1/2 my break for walking or doing stairs. Do this for you and do it now!! Read your ticker!! I love the saying!!0
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I say do a couple of things.
A gym with a daycare if you can afford it.
Cook things you like the healthy way, or portion control.
But more than anything, maritial counseling. If the communication is bad that it's hard to ask for 30 minutes or you do the schedule thing but it only works for a few days, then you need to see a counselor to better be able to communicate in your marriage.
Also, the gym with a daycare works great if you can get him to work out with you. An ex of mine and I used to spend an hour on the treadmill talking, it was great excercise and quality time to boot.0 -
My day also starts at 530am, i work 7 to 4 everyday, and i have a10 month old baby, i Prettyu much have my hubby to have quality time with or son from 9pm to 930 pm every night , i will take the baby with me to other rooms for 30 to 45 minutes prior for me and him to have our time, then daddy gets him. Its the fair way for us, them during the summer, i will go walling and take my baby with me for daddy to have some of his time.0
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I hear ya. I have a two year old and a dog so when I first started I had to make my hubby pick up the slack so I could get my workout in. Now he works night 7 on an 7 off so on his weeks he works nights my workout sometimes dont get done till 8 or later and I'm usually in bed by 9 and back up at 4:30. Sometimes I can manage to get a workout in the morning but not always. You just have to see what works for you. Try telling your hubby if he gives you and hour or so to your self to work out then you will return the favor so he can do something he wants. Good luck!!0
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I find the phrase 'train your husband' incredibly offensive. If I said I had to 'train my wife' people would lose their minds. You're both adults. So act like one and have a conversation. Tell him what you need from him. Marriage is a 2 way street, and the support you give should be equal to the support you get.0
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I think it's time to sit down and have a "coming to jesus" talk.
Try and find a way to communicate that your needs are changing in a way he won't be defensive.
Here are some wordings that might help
"I need help from you" guys like to be spoiled, but they also like to feel wanted and needed.
As apposed to
"You need to step up, I've spoiled you/you're lazy"
"I love you, I love our kids. We need to eat better for the sake of our health. We don't need to eat like saints, but some things need to change" "not every food, and not every day, but we do need to improve our habits"
As apposed to
"You want to eat like a slob and I'm fed up with it"
"How can we solve this"
"what things do you think We can do so We, as a household can work better." Take a team approach to this.
"what is important to YOU. and where can we compromise" make him feel that his opinion is also important.
As apposed to
laying down the law and giving him "chores" and when he has to "babysit" don't ever use the word babysit or allow him to use the word babysit.
A small list, no more than 5.
These are things that I need.
"I need more than 1/2 an hour by myself, especially to shower alone."
If possible; "I think sharing shuttling the kids around can help aleviate a lot of the stress I feel."
"perhaps hiring a babysitter once a week, we can spend some alone time together"
Start with just a few topics. I suggest dinner, compromise with alone time, and how to find solutions.
Here is a trick to getting him to do more of his fair share.
Thank him for what he is compromising on and have the best sex you can.
Next time you two talk, he'll probably compromise more.
If all else fails, cry.
The next day, have a casserole in the oven, with the timer.
Table set. "Honey, the casserole is in the over with the timer goes off. Table is set, I have to run out, I'll be back later. Mkes sure X child does _____, indicating you'll be awhile. be it homework, take a break, whatever.
Bribe the kids to behave. (I normally don't believe in bribery) and just go. seriously.
Also, start stream lining some meals here and there. on a weekend, make some meals you like that can be prepared ahead of time, and some meals he likes that you can prep ahead of time. cut out any meal that takes over 45 minutes to prep.
too much change at one time can be difficult.
Mexican food can be healthy.
I make enchiladas that come in at less than 400 cals and I skip on the rice and corn.
ground chicken or small diced chicken breast sauteed in taco sauce make much healthier tacos than 80/20 ground beef.
a black bean taco salad is healthy.
A bean burrito is healthy.
You'll need to have this talk at least 3 times. try and arrange to have great sex after if he is cooperative. Guys respond to sex.0 -
here you go baby http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2012/10/15/unhealthy-spouse/
sincerely, truly, please - read this.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Just tell him you have to do this for yourself and go. He's a big boy, he can survive. If a person is THAT dependent on you and they're not your kid, there's something wrong. It just takes 30-60 minutes a day.The difficulty does not lie in your husband fending for himself. The difficulty is in you feeling comfortable stating what you need and requesting his support.. Are you so afraid of his 'no' that you don't want to bring up the topic with him? Or are you afraid that he will say yes, and you will then have to follow through? The longer you wait , the more you delay your making any changes.
It is my fault for allowing him to become so dependant but now its a fight just to let me shower alone because he's so use to me taking the kids a shower at the same time.....I get about 30 minutes of alone time a day and thats when i have lunch at work......I do believe he needs to be trained I just do not have the energy to work with the situation....
You can't shower by yourself? My love, that is insane. How long can you possibly keep up this pace before you crack? Our minds and bodies are only so resilient. And I'm talking to myself here too -- I can never seem to 'find time' to work out - always caring for others. But whose going to take care of US? Think airplane safety: put on your own mask before helping anyone else. If we're not in good shape - we're not able to care for our families.
I've seen cheap treadmills and gym equipment at garage sales and craigslist or video workouts -- maybe not having to leave the house could work?
My thoughts and prayers are with you. XOXO0 -
don't ever use the word babysit or allow him to use the word babysit.
Mag, I liked what you had to say a lot, but THIS. SO THIS. I can't stand it when men act like "watching" their own children is alien to them!!
I feel for the OP. I don't have kids, but I do believe there are things you can do as a family to get exercise, indoors or outdoors. Even just going for a walk, or playing tag at the local park. I own a Wii. My young nephew is way better at it than I am, but damn when I play Wii boxing I sweat my butt off. Every family is different but I bet there are things you could do with the kids that would work as exercise. As far as the cooking, educate yourself about healthier meals and honestly, just do it and don't make a big deal out of it. Nine times out of ten, I'll bet you he won't know the difference. 0 -
Unfortunately you have to TELL them (in a nice way of course) what you're going to do. I will say for instance "Honey, I'm going to start dinner. Can you empty the dishwasher?" Or, "I'm going to put the baby down the bed, then work out, will you be ok w/ the other kids?" If you don't say what you want, they aren't going to know. The first year of having our 1st child together child (my 2nd) was hell. I was ready to KILL him, because he just sat back and let me do it all. I realized, after blowing up of course, that all I had to do was ask or tell him what was needed. If you're doing it all, they're going to assume you CAN and WANT to do it all. Not saying they're dense but...well they can be. Good luck, hon!
This^^^0 -
Sounds like your husband is a big baby. Stop enabling him and do something for yourself. You are not making things better for anyone if you keep allowing him to act like that.
He's a big boy. He'll get over it0 -
Husbands have to be trained. Just like you weren't born knowing how to do everything, neither are our spouses. If he aboslutely cannot be taught to fend for himself, then simplify as much as possible. Streamline meals, etc.
:noway:
Men are not dogs to be trained. I think I'm offended on behalf of every man I know. When will women/society stop thinking this way?0 -
Just tell him you have to do this for yourself and go. He's a big boy, he can survive. If a person is THAT dependent on you and they're not your kid, there's something wrong. It just takes 30-60 minutes a day.The difficulty does not lie in your husband fending for himself. The difficulty is in you feeling comfortable stating what you need and requesting his support.. Are you so afraid of his 'no' that you don't want to bring up the topic with him? Or are you afraid that he will say yes, and you will then have to follow through? The longer you wait , the more you delay your making any changes.
It is my fault for allowing him to become so dependant but now its a fight just to let me shower alone because he's so use to me taking the kids a shower at the same time.....I get about 30 minutes of alone time a day and thats when i have lunch at work......I do believe he needs to be trained I just do not have the energy to work with the situation....
He sounds like he is being really selfish and needs to learn how to grow up. You need to have your "me" time.0 -
Just tell him you have to do this for yourself and go. He's a big boy, he can survive. If a person is THAT dependent on you and they're not your kid, there's something wrong. It just takes 30-60 minutes a day.The difficulty does not lie in your husband fending for himself. The difficulty is in you feeling comfortable stating what you need and requesting his support.. Are you so afraid of his 'no' that you don't want to bring up the topic with him? Or are you afraid that he will say yes, and you will then have to follow through? The longer you wait , the more you delay your making any changes.
It is my fault for allowing him to become so dependant but now its a fight just to let me shower alone because he's so use to me taking the kids a shower at the same time.....I get about 30 minutes of alone time a day and thats when i have lunch at work......I do believe he needs to be trained I just do not have the energy to work with the situation....
I havent' read the entire thread- and I'm not going to tell you how to live your life... but if ytou've got 30 mins to yourself at lunch- I don't care where you work, put some trainers on and do a 2 mile power walk. You can eat your lunch whilst you walk or at your desk (depending on your job). 10 miles walking a week (plus play out with your kids at the weeken) will get you in the right frame of mind and will burn some calories!0
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