How to handle it all :(
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I hate feeling down about myself when I know there are others with way more challenges but I feel so down about losing weight. With my kids, husband and work i just cannot manage. My day starts at 5am every morning and evenings end at 11pm. I don't know how to tell my husband he needs to fend for himself so I can have time to work out.....any other women have issues with a husband who is dependant on you for everything???
I need some encouragement
I had to ask my husband to help me. I couldn't have had my success without him. He realized that I would be happier if I lost weight so he made steps to help me. Now he says "A happy wife is a happy life". You have to find a way to set up your environment for success.
Some people can eat at a big calorie deficit and some people can't. Everyone is different. Even a small calorie deficit puts your body in a state of flux with hormones as such, add a new workout routine, and those will make more spikes. This is a huge waiting game and requires much patience. Add in emotional eating issues and then you have more complications.
Your body can only handle so much stress. Stress of any kind turns on the hunger hormones. Lack of sleep, fatigue, family issue, work stress, calorie deficits, all of it is stress. Sometimes it's better to eat at maintenance when you are stressed. Eating at maintenance is not going backwards, but eating to low and binging is going backwards. All you need is more forward days then backward days, or maintenance days, to lose weight.
We are all merely humans. Do the best you can. There is always something to be thankful for, ALWAYS, no matter how bad things are.0 -
Husbands have to be trained. Just like you weren't born knowing how to do everything, neither are our spouses. If he aboslutely cannot be taught to fend for himself, then simplify as much as possible. Streamline meals, etc.
:noway:
Men are not dogs to be trained. I think I'm offended on behalf of every man I know. When will women/society stop thinking this way?
Just need to brielfly +1 this! Women do not deserve "rights" if we can't treat men without this kind of attitude. Stooping to "their" level fixes nothing.0 -
You have to put your foot down and really just be honest with your husband and then follow through...You have got to take care of yourself before you can be a help to others! My husband can be a little dependent as well so I know it can be frustrating but remind him he is a grown man and he can not only fend for himself but pick up a little slack and help with the kids too. My husband is perfectly capable of doing things but just like anyone else he gets "used" to me doing it and then gets overwhelmed when suddenly he needs to do it himself...lol0
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I find the phrase 'train your husband' incredibly offensive. If I said I had to 'train my wife' people would lose their minds. You're both adults. So act like one and have a conversation. Tell him what you need from him. Marriage is a 2 way street, and the support you give should be equal to the support you get.
So do I.
If you need something from him you need to ask. I spoil my boyfriend because -I- want to so yes he has gotten a little used to it but I don't mind it. If I need him to do something all I normally have to do is ask. If you have started out the relationship where you have been doing everything it will take him a while to get used to the 'new' order of things and realize that you need help now.
He is not lazy or an insensitive jerk..Most guys are wired a little differently so you need to actually "talk" to them as opposed to sending indirect signals..crying..playing silly games..expecting them to just 'know' that the rules have changed.0 -
First off, you can't train a man, he is your husband you married him the way he is, but he can grow to learn new ways, it's not called training. I have jokingly told my husband when he annoys me with the whole "Are you going to leave me or cheat on me." or deal, with "Why would I wanna train another one?" But he knows I'm kidding and knows I do not mean it like that. He is not trained, he just loves me enough to help me out when I need it.
My days are like this... I wake up at 6am most mornings, get my son off to school with a good breakfast for him and my husband. I have a nearly 2 year old so I'm up with her as well. I usually work nights, with 2 days off a week. I work as a server, and mostly close the store, so I'm there from either 4 to close or 6 to close sometimes 5 to close. We close at 12 midnight on every day but Friday's, Friday's we close at 1am. I don't normally clock out till 2am, by time I'm in bed, it's 3am, right back up at 6am. I still manage to find time to workout. Simply because it is important to me. I don't work out as much as I'd like to, but I do manage to still workout.0 -
You need to decide enough is enough and do what is necessary for things to change.
You can't change a person, but you can change your own behavior to cause change in others.
Tell your husband what is not working and why--and propose a solution. Men like to be problem solvers, so you both need to sit down and come to an agreement. Not a compromise--because two parties lose in a compromise, but an agreement where both parties gain.
If you can't come to an agreement, then set your own boundaries and enforce them.0 -
Please be grateful for the fact that you have someone in your life willing to stick it out with you through thick and thin. Some of us don't have that person. I'm not saying you aren't struggling, but if you want anything bad enough, you will find a way!! Good luck to you
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I can understand!
I have a big, young, busy family, too.
I wonder if you could begin to make some small changes, like...begin to encourage your family toward an earlier bedtime, so that you can be in bed earlier.
Or, begin to think about a few small changes that are achievable that you could focus on over the next week.
Make improvements, instead of big huge changes.
It is so encouraging to make progress...and small changes really do add up!
Improve your habits and patterns.
Don't get frustrated with your family...they are not in the way so to speak.
I know your creative mind will go to work on this.0 -
You really only are suppose to use 30 minutes of your day to workout daily. That's the minimum.. You have to get a workout tape or just tell your husband what it is you need.. Your health comes first. I am still learning that. It's so easy for me to say I don't have time to cook or workout. I worked 50 hours a week and I am a college student. I barely had time to sleep.. But I had to make the decision that if my health is bad then I won't be able to do anything. Who wants bad health for the rest of their life??? And if this means dropping your kids off at the boys and girls club for a few or making your husband watch them..so be it.. Just make sure you get that hour or 2 to yourself.Or you will be stressed out.0
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Lots of great advice here. We don't have to train our husbands - but men don't read our minds. They simply need to be asked. We put our own ridiculous pressure on ourselves by being afraid to ask for help or afraid to take time to ourselves. Do you think men agonize over going to the gym? Nope. Read "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus." Basically, my husband has always been happy to do for me when I ask. My previous husband did not help but I never asked so no wonder I had to do it all. You'd be amazed at how well men communicate once you actually express your needs! 0
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the not showering alone is bothering me..... you need to take control for yourself and your family!0
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Husbands have to be trained. Just like you weren't born knowing how to do everything, neither are our spouses. If he aboslutely cannot be taught to fend for himself, then simplify as much as possible. Streamline meals, etc.
:noway:
Men are not dogs to be trained. I think I'm offended on behalf of every man I know. When will women/society stop thinking this way?
Just as soon as we stop responding to the training.....brb got to go empty the dishwasher or my wife makes me sleep outside0 -
I'm actually going to say you have a time management issue. and yes I said You not your husband. If you are cooking dinner every single night try and free some time up by doubling the size of the meal and the next night is leftovers as the only option. If they don't like it then its fend for yourselves dinner. this alone will give you 30 mins 3-4 times a week. Believe me there is time that everyone can find if they are honest about wanting to workout. kids bed time can be adjusted also. let them play queitly after 8 in their room. this is not abuse it teaches them to be independant and to use their imagination. just my 2 cents take it or leave it0
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I see people focusing on the idea of "training" the spouse -- and they are getting offended at the notion.
Maybe the wording is the problem... because we absolutely do teach other people how to treat us every single day.
It's a powerful statement. It means it's our own responsibility to show others how we wish to be treated. It means we take full responsibility if we let someone else put us into a position we don't want to be in. It means we alone can change the situation. And as people are creatures of habit, it isn't an easy feat. It's hard to walk it backwards when someone has been taking advantage... and I don't care what gender we're talking about: when one person is shouldering that much of the burden, something's wrong and it needs to be corrected... and it won't be corrected if that person doesn't stand up for him/herself.
OP: your husband needs a wife, not a mother. Do not mother him. It won't end well for you.0 -
Such great advice from everyone.....
it's true, i am at fault for allowing my husband to be so dependent and allowing him to make me feel guilty about "me time" or "working out" when I KNOW its what I need.
I would love the whole fend for your self at meals.....everyone i know does that. Im the only person i know who will cook and serve my husband daily....and frankly im over it. I use to think it was showing my love but now i see no love in it i'm just annoyed and aggrivated by the whole thing.
My poor husband is gunna wonder why all of a sudden I put on my big girl pants...LOL
Thanks everyone! you all have great advice!0 -
Yes I have these same problems and I am working on how to handle them myself. My day starts around 5:30am and I am normally in bed by 10:30 or 11pm. I work 8 hours a day, I get my kids up and dressed and my husbands lunch packed and we all leave the house at the same time. I go to work and then pick up my husband and kids (we only have one car) and then its home, dinner, clean kitchen, kids homework, baths and then pretty much in bed. When am I suppose to squeeze in my workout or even a quick jog around the block? I have no idea but I am trying to figure it out. I would say even if you have to spend your quick 30 minutes you normally do watching your TV show or just loungin on the couch to catch a breath, you may have to swap that out for your work out. Invest in a DVR if you watch certain shows and watch them later. Try to pre-plan meals, I use my crockpot a lot now which gives me like an hour right there not having to cook a meal when i get home. Plus i love walking in my house after a long day and dinner is already done. You can cook everything in them anymore and Pinterest has TONS of ideas. I have also found out that organization is MY personal key to weight loss success. You have to have a schedule and organization for everything to flow together and help each other out. Hell some nigths you may have to say "Leftovers tonight or everyone fend for themselves, mommy need to go work out really quick!" It is okay, put your self first sometimes and everything else will just kind of fall into place. :bigsmile:0
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Mine was the same way... he didn't even want me to go visit my mother when she was in rehabilitation from a broken hip, because he'd just gotten home from a military weekend and wanted me to stay at home.
We are now divorced.
As someone else posted, marriage is a partnership, and if you're taking the burden of his life, your life and the kids on YOUR shoulders, it isn't going to work.0 -
I can totally see what why you are offended but I'm thinking they really meant TEACH instead of TRAIN. Poor word choice.Husbands have to be trained. Just like you weren't born knowing how to do everything, neither are our spouses. If he aboslutely cannot be taught to fend for himself, then simplify as much as possible. Streamline meals, etc.
:noway:
Men are not dogs to be trained. I think I'm offended on behalf of every man I know. When will women/society stop thinking this way?
Unfortunately I've seen that a lot of men who need to be taught these lessons are men who have had mama's that did EVERYTHING for their family. My husband was one of them. He is soooooo much better now but I couldn't just come out and tell him what to do as that offended him and made him mad. But if I was some how able to put him in my position then he'd figure it out.0 -
Be prepared for ugly words. My husband used to throw out little digs at me. If the house wasn't clean words like lazy and selfish were thrown around. Be prepared if you have that type of person living with you with well worded come backs such as 'oh and here I thought there were two adults in this house capable of cleaning.' or 'oh, I thought you wanted that there since you left it there.' or 'yeah, well I'm busy and don't have time. If it bothers you then you know where the cleaning supplies are.'Such great advice from everyone.....
it's true, i am at fault for allowing my husband to be so dependent and allowing him to make me feel guilty about "me time" or "working out" when I KNOW its what I need.
I would love the whole fend for your self at meals.....everyone i know does that. Im the only person i know who will cook and serve my husband daily....and frankly im over it. I use to think it was showing my love but now i see no love in it i'm just annoyed and aggrivated by the whole thing.
My poor husband is gunna wonder why all of a sudden I put on my big girl pants...LOL
Thanks everyone! you all have great advice!
I think the biggest downfall for women in this situation is dealing with the guilt that are piled on us. Harmful little well placed words by spouses. For me personally I had to realize that he was lashing out at me because he hated seeing a messy house and he didn't feel so bad about being lazy if 'someone' was cleaning so that he could tell himself that it was ok for him to be sitting on his butt watching tv because someone else was already dealing with it so he didn't have to. That someone being me.
The way I put a stop to it was A. anytime he complained about something not being done the way he wanted it then I'd say well you know how to fix that don't you. I.E. when he had no clean socks (he wears like three pair a day)... B. any time he said something belittling like lazy or selfish I'd just stop everything right then and there and look at him and say, 'do you really think saying such nasty things to me is okay? Does it make you feel good?" and then I'd stop what ever I was doing...cooking...cleaning...etc... and I would say, 'well I'm done with this I'm going to go do something that "I" want to do. Love you hun, bye.' I'm telling you that has done more to fix our problems than pretty much all the other things from yelling, cold shoulder, etc... But you have to stay on top of it. And you may even need to tell him straight up that 'I've been neglecting myself taking care of everyone and so there will be no more of that." Make him a list of his tasks and your tasks...his tasks being things that he likes doing or things that are important to him. Make yours things that you feel just have to be done so that if he doesn't do them it is no skin off of your back. If he doesn't do his...say do his own laundry or what ever...then no worries just let it go. It will be harder in the beginning. But you have to stick to your guns here. Because I can tell you right now if you don't fix this then one day you and he will be divorced and you will have wasted years of your life on someone who just wanted a maid and didn't REALLY care about you.0 -
I wonder what kind of job you have? Is it stressful? I am super busy too. Up at 6, drop kid off at 7:30, work until 6, get kid, homework/cello lessons, dinner & bed. We don't even have a tv because no one has time to watch it. My "fun time" is dinking around on my iPhone for 20-30 min before I go to bed (doing that now). I ask about stress because my pervious job was so damn stressful that I was mentally exhausted all the time. Even if I could muster 30 min for a workout DVD or a walk at work, I didn't have the mental capacity/head space to do it. Now, I have new job (way less stress a little more money) and suddenly it's so much easier to workout. I'm not saying I workout as much as I like but it is happening. Anyway, something to consider. Best of luck!0
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I don't have a hubby or kids, so I am limited on my advice here, but in regards to food, it is very easy to make one staple item in the meal you both can have and then you may just have to prepare different sides. So say you make a certain meat, and he wants potatoes and corn, then you can make some green beans and brown rice. Sometimes you can't change the eat habits of others but you can alter your dishes so everyone will eat them and at least preparing different sides only takes a few minutes, and everyone can enjoy somewhat the main meal.
Or tell him that if he doesn't like what you are making him, then to cook for himself lol that might shut him up pretty quick haha :flowerforyou:
Changing your lifestyle isn't easy and sometimes you do have to be selfish so you can be a better and healthier spouse and mom. Keep working on it hun.0
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