Reaching out!! I need some advice men and women!

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Time2LightenUp
Time2LightenUp Posts: 86
in Chit-Chat
Hi my name is Amanda, I really don't know how to start this but here it goes When I was 15 I started in my first serious relationship which was great the first 3 yrs but then he started taking pills which made him start losing his jobs and changing who he was. After a while I told him things had to change or he had to get help or I was leaving. So he joined the marines! Wow pill popper turned marine right. So he deployed to Japan for two yrs. When he came home we were so happy. We were planning our wedding and talking about having kids! (Which is a huge thing for me I have wanted a baby forever) Well then he started a part time job and meet someone! :explode: So I kicked his @s# out.:brokenheart: I was done!!! Well I moved on I started talking to a high school friend who was in the marines also and after 6 months of dating I moved to Hawaii and we have been together 3 yrs and he is out of the service and we are back home. He has an 8 yr son that I love very much. I just bought a house 5 months ago. He has had trouble the past year finding a job. He finally got a good job a couple weeks ago. But his anger is out of control ever since he came out of the service. He calls me horrible names threatens my dog screams so loud I want to cry he gets anger over the little tinniest things FYI the new job is afternoons and I work days I haven't been awake when he has gone home until last night. He tells me I am a *kitten* and to go back to my ex and talks trash about my past he makes me feel worthless. I don't bring up my exs to him ever. He blew up on me over watching a movie with my girlfriend that he wanted to see last night. Then started calling names threaten to snap my dogs’ neck. Tells me he is leaving and taking his dog and I will never see his son again. So the point of my post I feel like I am not meant to be loved or respected. My two serious realationships were a mess. He never says sorry after he freaks out ever. Also that I am scared if I leave him now I will just never have kids or get married. I feel like a failure. my two sisters and brother have been in there relationships for between 6-11 yrs I feel like a loser that can't keep a man. wth is wrong with me? I am the only one of my girlfriends that doesn't have kids. Am I just having a pity party? Do I need to leave my boyfriend? I just don't know what to do anymore!! Help!! :sad: Thank you!
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Replies

  • holeshottdr
    holeshottdr Posts: 364 Member
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    Just break up.
  • Dub_D
    Dub_D Posts: 1,760 Member
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    Just break up.
  • Time2LightenUp
    Time2LightenUp Posts: 86
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    It's so hard we have a home together. I am attached to his son. We have built a life together it's so hard to just break up.
  • stinkpurty
    stinkpurty Posts: 148
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    First of all, you are meant to be loved and respected. Don't compare yourself to others and their relationships. There is no time line.

    And most of all, get out now!! This guy is an *kitten*. He is being emotionally abusive and has anger issues. Do not stay with him because you think no one else will want you (Did he tell you that? If so, he is manipulating you and he is wrong.) I was in a similar situation. I stayed in an abusive relationship because I thought I no one else would want me. That's what he had me thinking anyway. Well, he was dead wrong. I understand it is hard to leave after all the time you have put into the realtionship (I was with that guy for nine years), but you owe it to yourself to get out of this toxic relationship. Be single. Get to know yourself alone. Don't allow yourself to think your self-worth lies in being in a realtionship.
  • njohnson1966
    njohnson1966 Posts: 58 Member
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    you owe it to yourself to get out of this toxic relationship. Be single. Get to know yourself alone. Don't allow yourself to think your self-worth lies in being in a realtionship.

    ^This. You deserve it and you are worth it.
  • prjoy98
    prjoy98 Posts: 250 Member
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    The way you explain the situation he's either dealing with depression, PTSD, or something deeper!
    Has he been to counseling???
  • Trechechus
    Trechechus Posts: 2,819 Member
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    The first thing I thought was, "Does he have PTSD?" Have you talked to him about counseling?

    That being said, don't let it escalate to a point-of-no-return. You are worth more than that and putting yourself and your dog in a dangerous situation is not healthy or safe. Get out, and give yourself space. You are 24 years old. You're young and have plenty of time to start a family. There is no rush. The right man will find you. Just don't push things that weren't meant to work out. It's hard, I understand, but staying is probably the worst thing I can see you doing. No one should ever be afraid of their significant other. I know from experience it's better to be single than to be in a toxic relationship going nowhere.
  • jroselive2012
    jroselive2012 Posts: 129
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    I agree with the gal above here that says you are absolutely meant to be loved. You deserve love and can have love and if you want children, dammmit you can have children. You are a beautiful woman, obviously have a ton to offer and are smart - you even bought a house!!! His anger is not because of you, it's because of whatever the H he is not handling. You don't deserve to be called names, you are NOT a *kitten*!!!! Here's my take, and I could be totally off base, and he may very well just be a douche (never know?) but do you think he'd go to couples counseling? I have heard of special counseling being available for families with spouses/ partners who have been in the military. Is there a chance that he would go to something like that and admit he's got some issues to work thru? You don't need to be degraded. You don't need to be threatened. It's NOT ok. If he's not willing to work with you on dealing with his anger, you totally need to end this relationship and make a loving home for yourself. There are so many good people out there, and even when you've had bad experiences in the past it doesn't mean you aren't loveable and able to live your dreams. Best of luck to you, babe. Take care of yourself because you are always going to be worth it.
  • DesireeLovesOrganic
    DesireeLovesOrganic Posts: 456 Member
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    He sounds psychotic and needs help. Does he talk to his child that way when he gets mad too? Yikes. Snap your dog's neck over a movie? You don't want to marry that. I would get out while you can. If you marry him and have babies and he talks that way to you in front of your children (or even TO your children) then what? You are stuck with him the rest of your life if you have a child with him (even if you break up after, there are graduations, weddings, birth of grandchildren, etc.) Not to mention you deserve better.
  • Time2LightenUp
    Time2LightenUp Posts: 86
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    The way you explain the situation he's either dealing with depression, PTSD, or something deeper!
    Has he been to counseling???

    1 yr before we started dating he got a divorce ( not the mother of his son) they divored because he said that all they did was fight and she was abusive. He went to counseling to try and fix his marriage and he said it did nothing for him and he won't go back. I am just really wore out I have been taking hits like this for the past year and it just keeps getting worse. :(
  • dsimmons107
    dsimmons107 Posts: 387 Member
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    He needs some professional help. I was a Marine and understand somethings he may be going through but there is no excuse for that kind of behavior. There is nothing wrong with you. You just may be looking for the wrong things in the guys you choose. You need to be strong independent and capable of just being before you can successfully be with someone else. Don't worry about being alone or not having children. It will happen in due time. Get out before the verbal abuse because physical. You should never accept disrespect and he does not respect you.
  • Time2LightenUp
    Time2LightenUp Posts: 86
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    He sounds psychotic and needs help. Does he talk to his child that way when he gets mad too? Yikes. Snap your dog's neck over a movie? You don't want to marry that. I would get out while you can. If you marry him and have babies and he talks that way to you in front of your children (or even TO your children) then what? You are stuck with him the rest of your life if you have a child with him (even if you break up after, there are graduations, weddings, birth of grandchildren, etc.) Not to mention you deserve better.

    Thank you. He doesn't talk to his son like that and doesn't really talk down to me in front of him. But I do feel that if it was our child he would.
  • WarriorReady
    WarriorReady Posts: 571 Member
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    My heart breaks for ya Girl. But like others have said you deserve better. I know it's hard but if you want to stay in the relationship insist he gets treatment for anger and abuse. Otherwise, make a plan and kick him out. Tell him he needs to go, that you still value your relationship but you value your sanity more. Maybe you can seek abuse counseling yourself? So that you don't have to remain a victim. IMO, I think you are staying for the boy not his dad, and you do deserve better than that. Best of luck, Girl!
  • bushidowoman
    bushidowoman Posts: 1,599 Member
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    Do you want to live the rest of your life this way? Do you want to have a child with this man and raise them in this sort of environment?
    Life is too short. Get out now.
  • micabrito2012
    micabrito2012 Posts: 103 Member
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    You are on here for a reason, you are scared and vulnerable. It is hard to just get up and leave and I'll tell you what, once you have kids with this man you will be trapped in hell forever. You are young and need to snap out of thinking that you need a man in your life. Threats, verbal abuse are all very bad in many ways which I'm sure you know so you have to ask yourself the question you just posted. Should you leave? YES, maybe not right away but start distancing yourself and tell a family member of what's going on in case he snaps and you go missing. Are you just looking for a pity party? No, you need help and the sooner you get it the safer you will be. Look at yourself and tell yourself you are worth much more in life, for yourself, your future kids, your family. It's never right to be abused and the abuse you are experiecing is bad, you shared it on My Fitness Pal. Good luck and God Bless you!
  • mulderpf
    mulderpf Posts: 209 Member
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    It's so hard we have a home together. I am attached to his son. We have built a life together it's so hard to just break up.

    *sigh* Don't make excuses!! A home isn't a place where you can't feel safe, comfortable and loved.

    Don't be one of those women other people look at and wonder "why doesn't she just get out?". Don't prolong this any more than it needs to go on for. The longer you delay the inevitable, the less time you will have to find Mr Right. Don't stick around just for the sake of it - if it's not right, it's not right.
  • WinnerVictorious
    WinnerVictorious Posts: 4,735 Member
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    the guy is a ****. whether he has PTSD or not. he threatened you. he threatened to kill your dog. the guy is unstable and violent and you need to get yourself and your dog away from him ASAP. it couldn't hurt to go to the cops and get a restraining order either. break all ties. don't talk to him. don't e-mail him. don't text with him. nothing. you can't stay for the sake of a child that is not even yours.

    also, you're 24. you are still very young. in a lot of ways, you're on the learning curve of life. to feel despondent for not having reached your personal life goals by age 24 is crazy talk. there are lots of guys out there. lots who will never hit you. never threaten you. never belittle you. never demean you. never make you worry for your own safety.

    when you discover that men like that will value your company. and find you funny. and find you attractive. and find you irresistible, your own self-esteem will increase to the point where you'll wonder why you ever considered settling for a loser or an abuser.
  • digitalbill
    digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
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    I agree with most of the comments.
    Iven if he DOES have PTSD, that is still not an excuse.
    Tens of thousands of Soldiers live with PTSD every day.

    You are making excuses for not leaving.
    The house? Yeah, it should really be valuable when it has YOUR blood stains in the carpet.

    You said he was a Marine? It is time he started acting like a Marine and not some street thug.
    There is no shame in going to the VA to get some help to control anger. many of us have had to do it.
    Get him to the VA and if he is too much of a wuss to admit he has a problem, pack his bags for him and tell him good luck.
  • brevislux
    brevislux Posts: 1,093 Member
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    Honey, you're only 24, you're not an old woman. Forget all those 'what ifs', you deserve better than this, period.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
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    You're 24 yrs old. Move on. It's time to lighten up.

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