Unfair start in childhood to be a healthy and fit adult

Senabun

I feel like my mom gave me an unfair start growing up and it's making me upset and angry lately.

I grew up eating unhealthy foods like McDonalds, Burger King, loads of carbohydrates, completely cooked down veggies (to the point they lack the enzymes and nutrition), sweets, tv dinners, soda, etc.

So I was always overweight to the point I was morbidly obese by the time I was 15 or 16. It took me until then that I realized the food she fed me was making me overweight, unhappy, and unhealthy.

I've lost some weight since then...about 100lbs, but I'm still overweight. I'm 190lbs and used to be about 300+. It's becoming -VERY- difficult to lose the last 50lbs despite exercising nearly everyday and eating 'healthier' (I still live w/ her so eating foods that's best for the body is a challenge so I've been stuck at this weight for about 2 years). I have taken a good look at my body and noticing the skin is beginning to sag, my breasts sag because of so much loose skin, etc. Not only that, but I've been told I may develop heart and blood problems in my later years simply because I was an overweight child. So I will have to get expensive plastic surgery and I am at risk of health problems in the future because of my mom's careless choices.

I need some advice and words of encouragement, please. =/ Thanks.

derekj222

Don't point the finger so much. As much as I don't know your family, I would never blame my parents for where I got myself to. Sure we had tv dinners, hamburger helper, french fries, fat hamburgers all the time. But we were poor, and if that's all that they could afford, I don't blame them at all. Your situation could be different. I don't know when I hit obese, but I was overweight from 3rd grade on pretty much...my mom helped me with diets on and off, but it was up to me all along. And not that I support myself, buy my own foods, pay my gym membership, buy my clothes I hold MYSELF responsible for everything I've become and I am proud for all of these changes I have made to better myself. I have lost 48 pounds so far by myself and no one can ever say they helped me with that.

SabrinaLily

I wish I had something profound to write, something that would make it click with you and make you feel better. I don't think I do. What I can say though is that you've come a long way. You've lost over 100 pounds and then some and are under the 200 bench mark. That must have taken an incredible amount of hard work. I am just beginning my journey and am down 5 pounds from the 177 I started at, so we're not too far apart. Please don't let your progress discourage you. I know there are things that come with weight loss that are actually unpleasant, like sagging skin and perhaps future medical complications, but think about all the unpleasantries that you're avoiding. Though I'm not a doctor, I'd bet that you'd have more medical problems (and more serious ones) by being obese than you would be losing the weight. What your mother did may not have been right, but you are doing something about it!!! You could blame her and do nothing, but instead you've acknowledged it and are fighting your way down the scale. I hope that you are being met with compliments along your journey and that you, in the future, make peace with mom. For now though, all I can say is that I'm damn proud of you and no matter what the future holds, it's sure to be better than the past from which you came. Best wishes, Jenn

Dealsdreamy

Firstly well done on your weight loss so far , you have done incredibly well . Perhaps your mum didn't have the right food knowledge herself to pass down to you and was brought up herself with a similar diet ? I appreciate it is hard and you feel angry but i am sure she did not set out with the intention of making you overweight ? I think part of my emotional issues with food stem from my mum , again I am sure she had no idea the effect her food issues had on me . She has always been on and off diets for 30 plus years and guess what I am the same ...

I hope this makes sense and does not offend in any way , well done on how far you have come and good luck with the rest of your journey .....

JennaM222

Congrats on the weightloss thats amazing!!!

Weebs628

I wasn't an overweight child, but I grew up on fast food, a large bowl of bread on the table with every dinner and going back for seconds and thirds. I associate food with good memories. My grandparents and I used to go to Burger King every Wednesday for 99 cent whoppers, for example.

I can't change the past, but I can acknowledge my relationship with food and try to change the future.

ETA: Congrats on your weight loss, you've accomplished so much so far, try to think about the positives!

rrrbecca11

There comes a time in life when we all have to stop crutching on the poor choices and parenting we might have received as a child and facing up to the fact that it is OUR life and we alone can change it for the better. Anger and finger-pointing will only hold you back even more. Shake it off, and get on with living. You can be healthy. Lots of people who had much worse starts in life have overcome and gone on to excel. I'd like to say good luck, but it has little to do with luck and a whole bunch to do with hard work. :bigsmile:

SeaChele77

I'm going to agree with above to some degree. By the time you were probably around 10'ish (if overweight) you knew you didn't look like the other kids, you knew you were bigger, you knew it was not the "norm"..... I would assume you had ample time to go out and play, ride bikes, swim, run in a field/down the road, play a sport...etc to get some sort of exercise. DId your mom sit there and hand feed you teh hamburger....doubt it!

While I do place some blame on parents - especially of younger kids who dont know any better. But as the kids get older they start to understand and they have choices too. I ate plenty of TV dinners, lots of carbs (my mom's famous meal was spaghetti and garlic bread), my mom was always baking - cookies and cakes were always at the house. But I did not gain weight b/c I was always active.

However, NOW you can make a change, NOW you know better, NOW you can start anew. When you learn to forgive your mom/parents for an unhealthy view on food as a child you can then begin to heal and learn to do things differently. What's done is done - what you ate at 6yo is not the problem as an adult. What exercise you did not get as a teenager has no affect on you as an adult. Make the changes NOW....stop looking back!!

lizziebeth1028

Good lord let go of all that baggage!!!!! Wallowing in the past with that attitude..you'll be stuck where you're at forever. At 20 years old you're an adult and responsible for your own meals. Drop the 'bad Mom' excuse and step up your game!!! Browse the success forums and see all the amazing transformations people have made in their lives.

fbmandy55

My childhood was the same. But I don't blame my parents TOO much. Even now, they just don't know WHAT is healthy and WHAT isn't. They think a steak, broccoli covered in cheese and a loaded baked potato is healthy. Luckily, I found this site and got and education on what truly IS healthy.

No letting me eat a heaping bowl of ice cream with chocolate and sprinkles every night.....a little common sense could have helped me there....

MtnKat

Wow.

I wish I could give you encouragement but I just can't. As a mother, your post angers me.

Take responsibility for yourself and quit blaming your mom. Mothers are human too. I'm sure she did the best she knew how to do. Most of all, she gave you freaking life and took care of you until you could take care of yourself.

Quit being selfish and give your mom some credit. She had to take care of you, didn't she?

Congrats on your weight loss. Keep it up...and instead of blaming your mom, maybe you should GENTLY educate her.

shinesunfish

I have dealt with this a bit. I never had a weight problem until high school, when my dad took over cooking for the family. Lots of processed foods, pizza every week, sugary cereals, desserts... we were stressed, and eating tasty foods is the way that most people deal with stress. Also, people generally cook the way that they were taught to by thier parents. My dad is a picky eater (very few veggies) because my grandma is a picky eater - and in the 50s and 60s, MOST Americans ate mashed potatoes and meat for dinner. Do weight problems run in your family? I feel like it's safe to assume that your mom didn't intentionally do this to you - she didn't know any other way to be, and when money is tight it's easier to get something quickly that is inexpensive then it is to shop around and find inexpensive produce. Ultimately, yes, there are things that we look back on that we didn't have any control over, and it's normal to wish that they had gone differently. But the important part of this is now. It has helped me to gradually introduce new foods to my family. My brother and I both went crazy with veggies when we moved out, and we are gradually introducing them back at home. Since you still live with your mom, try cooking for her instead of the other way around. Fix foods that you like, and have her try them. You might find that in helping yourself, you can help her too. But blame and bitterness are a dead end - it's normal to feel them, but get out of them as soon as you can.

musenchild

It can be really tough to break away from old habits. For a lot of us who have been overweight our whole lives, it's really easy to look back and blame our parents. The truth is, it's my life now, and it has been for several years now, and they are not to blame for the choices I made as an adult. I can take care of myself and my body now. Pointing the finger at my parents will not help. Here are some things I like to keep in mind when I feel like blaming my family/upbringing/genes (which I did for years) for my own behavior:

1. The fat genes and the bad habits are part of a bundle of gifts, good and bad, that came from my family. I am overweight with a false sense of "normal" weight and behavior, but I also value my own abilities and intelligence, and that comes from them too. Think of all the great things your parents have given you, and maybe the other bad things they've given you that you wouldn't blame them for (for me, terrible eyesight. How dare these blind people breed? You would never get mad at parents for something like that).

2. I can be a model for them. Without doing anything drastic, spending a ton of money, or depriving myself, I can show my family that it is possible to take control of your health. Maybe they will decide to change, too.

3. I can look forward to the rest of my life knowing that while I can't get rid of the genetic predispositions, I can work to lower my likelihood of developing cancer, diabetes, blood pressure problems, and even depression, all of which run in my family and all of which are less likely if I am fit and healthy.

I hope that helps, because finger-pointing won't. Definitely don't give up just because you can't undo the past. You CAN'T undo the past, but you CAN take control of your future.

Keiko385

The human body is an amazing thing, it can repair its self given time, you are young enough to undo almost any if not all damage that may have occured. It will take some work on your part and you have already started that journey...dont give up

delilah47

Put the past behind you. It's not going to help to blame anyone. If you dwell on the way you were raised, you will always have an excuse to fail. Think of the positive side. You now have support and tools to get into shape.

painthoss

My childhood was the same. But I don't blame my parents TOO much. Even now, they just don't know WHAT is healthy and WHAT isn't. They think a steak, broccoli covered in cheese and a loaded baked potato is healthy. Luckily, I found this site and got and education on what truly IS healthy.....

There you go. It may sound silly to tell you not to take personally how your mother raised you, but it wasn't personal. She just did what she knew how to do, and what seemed right. Her mother/parents/whomever raised her the same way.

Now that you know a better way, it's on you to make your own changes and live your own life. Nobody is going to knock on the door one morning and say, "good morning, the life you wanted is here. Now it's your turn, that you've been waiting for!" Stand up, get your life. You can do it.

Elzecat

First, congratulations on losing 100 pounds so far. That's an AMAZING accomplishment! You should be very proud of that!

I can empathize with your anger and frustration. It is unfair to not be given a healthy start. Although weight issues were not something I got from my mother as a child, I can say that I experienced a great deal of negativity and self-esteem issues that I have carried into my adult life, that at 42 I still deal with every day. It would be easy for me to blame childhood experiences for who I am now...or I can keep moving forward and work on positives and taking care of myself and loving myself. You can continue to blame your mom, which is fine, but unproductive. But consider focusing on the positives (losing all that weight!) and challenging yourself to move forward from your childhood. It's really hard, but I think it will make you feel better in the end. Holding on to resentment and anger will hurt you and your relationship with your mom.

You may have health issues or be at risk for future health issues because of being obese as a child, but if you've taken more control of your weight in the past 4 or 5 years, you are significantly decreasing your chances of those problems with every healthy step you take. You may have loose skin, and from a friend I know that that sucks and it's uncomfortable... it is possible that insurance will cover cosmetic surgery, or you may have to save up for it. If you are not lifting weights, I would recommend you start--that has helped two of my friends who've lost over 100 pounds, to firm up their skin and have less sagging.

If you are living at home, can you buy some of your own food, or go with your mom when she shops? (if you're not buying your own food or contributing to the household in some way financially, it might be hard to justify buying stuff "just for you" unless you can help mom see it would help the whole family).

I wish you continued success. You've gotten this far. Keep going.

KilikiMom

dont blame anyone but yourself...i could sit there and blame my mom and my grandma for making good fattening foods all the time, cake, cookies, candy, potatoes, etc even as a young kid and the many trips to McDonalds...i ate all that ALL THE TIME....but i was also VERY active as a kid...i started getting lazy once i became a teenager....kept eating all the good fattening foods....i can only blame MYSELF for letting myself not be active as a teenager.....

jcstanton

Firstly well done on your weight loss so far , you have done incredibly well . Perhaps your mum didn't have the right food knowledge herself to pass down to you and was brought up herself with a similar diet ? I appreciate it is hard and you feel angry but i am sure she did not set out with the intention of making you overweight ? I think part of my emotional issues with food stem from my mum , again I am sure she had no idea the effect her food issues had on me . She has always been on and off diets for 30 plus years and guess what I am the same ...

I hope this makes sense and does not offend in any way , well done on how far you have come and good luck with the rest of your journey .....

^^^This! My situation is similar. While my mom was obssessive about being overweight (and she often projected these fears on me), we still ate loads of unhealthy foods when I was growing up. Whether it was because we had to eat cheaply (we were a family of six, living on one income), or because of my mom's ignorance about what was truly healthy and what wasn't, or a little of both. I wasn't obese as a child, but I have struggled with being a little on the hefty side virtually my entire life. My suggestion would be to sit down with her and try to have a rational, respectful conversation with her. Ask her why she chose to give you that kind of food as a child rather than something that would be healthier for you. Her answers may surprise you....and don't get mad at her because she says it's what you asked for. Maybe in early childhood you didn't know any better, but by the age of ten or eleven most kids are fully aware of what their food choices are doing for or to their bodies. I know my niece has been thinking about it since the first grade (not in an unhealthy way). She WANTS to eat more fruit and veggies and less junk, and when she has told my brother and sister in law this, they have fully supported her in her choices and made sure she had healthier choices at mealtime. I'm not saying that your mom is completely off the hook. I think it's vital that parents make healthy food choices for their kids until they reach an age where they can make wise decisions for themselves. However, I don't think you should be so hard on her. I'm sure, like most moms, she did the best she could under her given circumstances.

2012asv

I don't know how old you are or your background or anything.... but as I child I remember visits to Mc Donalds and stuff- they were not seen as bad and unhealthy back then. A lot of consequences didn't happen until years later... so I wouldn't jump to attacking mom. She just might not have known better at the time.... what if SHE didn't have the knowledge passed down to her growing up?

Now a days they put a lot of emphasis on eating healthy on kids programs and in school so even if parent's aren't making the best choices kids are exposed to the truths.

And you're path will probably become a lot lighter and easier once you let go of the past situations that you may or may not have had control over. You have control now so that's what matters!

Senabun

I feel bad for pointing the finger at my mom, but I sometimes feel like she did this on purpose. When I was younger, she would always say hateful things like "No one will want you romantically or physically, but that's okay, because -you're my- chunky baby and always will be. I love you." Even now that I've been on my journey to weight loss, she's been happy for me yet upset. I'll ask her to buy veggies, fruit, healthy grains, etc., but instead she buys high carbohydrate foods, fried foods, heavily cooked in grease foods, and so on---with a side of a small container of salad and cut fruit. I'll complain there's nothing to eat, but she'll state there's lots to eat and literally would warm up something fried, and wave it in front of my face.

I can understand that perhaps tv dinners, mcdonalds, etc seem like a reasonable choice if you lack the funds to buy healthier options, but if you actually calculate the money spent on unhealthy foods vs. fresh foods, fresh food saves you a few bucks. My mom grew up in a large family with 8 other siblings. They had their own garden they maintained and ate healthy. My older sister was given healthier foods and has always been thin.

Thanks for the words of encouragement and stuff, you guys. I really appreciate it.