Unfair start in childhood to be a healthy and fit adult
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Sorry but a lot of y'all are being mean to her. Perhaps the old addage, "if you can't say something nice, say nothing at all" should apply. I can respect if you disagree with her blaming her childhood, but adding insult to injury, especially in such an unconstructive manner, is uncalled for. We're all here to lose weight and there's no need to make anyone feel worse than they already do. We're here for support so please be a little more constructive in your comments.
This ^^ I agree with ,
So we should all just say "Oh its okay hunny, you're mother was a terrible mom and you are a precious snowflake"? Sorry - the longer she blames her mom, the longer she will sabatage her success. Let go of the past and move forward.
She has done amazing....so I will apologize for not mentioning that in my post. But I will not sit idly by as someone whines and complains about what coulda/shoulda/woulda.....today is today and that is what needs to be focused on.
Yes we are all here for weight loss and tips - I gave her a tip - stop looking back and move forward. I don't want anyone to sugar coat for me. If i have a terrible day - tell me. Don't say "Great job" to my diary when I stuffed my face with crap all day long! If you don't like it....dont' read it. But if you want the advice and guidance....sometimes it stings. Press on!!0 -
Firstly, well done on your weight loss! You're doing fab,
I have issues with my parents-in-law feeding our sons what they like! Whilst thankfully, they are not overweight, I'm doing my best to not let them get that way. However, we can make our own choices in life. I've had bad experiences in life and do think that it has had a negative impact on my life but on the other hand, I don't think we can always blame our past on how we are now. Hope this helps! :flowerforyou:0 -
My mom had some resentment toward her mom because back then they didn't realize smoking was bad, and she's been addicted to cigarettes since she was 15. Unfair, yeah. But your generation knows things your mother's did not. I get that you're angry because you're realizing how difficult it is to change your life habits, but you've done an awesome job and you're obviously out to have a healthier life for yourself. I don't know why you'd want to focus on resent for the past.0
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Don't let her actions affect your future. My Dad did the best he could to make sure his kids didn't grow up "fat" and we all did! As parents, we all make mistakes and not to take her side but maybe she was just trying to keep you happy. Sometimes we do things for a moment to keep our loved ones happy and don't think about the consequences of our actions. From one tanted loving heart to another, you have to make your own path. Your Mother did not mean to hurt you in any way, she simply was doing what she thought was right. Anger towards her could possibly set your weight loss back because of the stress.
I would just try to learn from her mistakes. Make yourself healthy and teach others (possibly children) how to be healthy.0 -
Not gonna lie, I used to harbor some resentment towards my parents as well for the same reason. I was an extremely active kid, but I ate so much crap that I was fat my entire childhood and adolescence. I certainly don't think my parents did it on purpose - I think they just lacked knowledge of nutrition, and my mom was used to feeding hoards of farmers who needed lots of calories to fuel their manual labour. We ate the same thing they did - lots of red meat (my uncle is a cattle farmer) and white carbs. The only vegetables we ever saw were corn and the occasional carrot. Our freezers were also stocked with frozen pizzas and the like for when no parents were home to cook.
When I was 15 I basically just stopped eating because I thought that was the only way to lose weight. It wasn't until I moved out, learned about nutrition, and started cooking for myself that I realized how poorly I was eating before and how it's actually much easier to lose weight than I thought. However I don't blame them for my current weight. It's no one's fault but my own that I gained weight back as an adult.0 -
I blamed my mom for a lot of my diciplinary problems, then psychological and self esteem issues.. But at a certain point, it's up to you to discover the way to peace within yourself.. Blaming others is only going to be something you'll never free yourself of.. It's an excuse to do things the wrong or unhealthy way.. You need to work out a way to change your perception. Positive thinking will result in positive action.. It's hard when you are unable to do your own shopping and make your own decisions about the food that goes into the house.. I think you should have a serious heart to heart with your
Mother and make her understand how important this is to you.. And never let it end in a fight.. Always be the bigger person.. No puns!! Even if it takes a long time to get through, in time, something will change!0 -
I understand your frustration, but you (and she) can't change the past. Living with that kind of anger is also bad for you. It leaves your body in constant stress, and that also makes it hard to lose fat - especially in the belly area.
Who knows why parents make some of the choices they do for the their kids. As some have stated - it might be ignorance, it might be budget, it might be spite... but it might be depression, or any of a multitude of other reasons.
I've had to deal with horrible things from both of my parents, and through counseling I got to a point where I'd like to say 'forgive and forget'. I will never forget. But, I can't hold a grudge. Life is way too short to live that way. I have to work to recall the positives, and not focus on the varied abuse that went on in the house growing up.
But, you get to where you make a choice. You continue to have a relationship, and with that focus on the positive parts of that relationship. Or... you walk away. You can't live angry, though. You have to find a way that you can live with to get past that part.0 -
You know what's cool about being an adult? You get to choose what you educate yourself about and how you live your life.
My mother frucked my life up as a child. Pretty much set me up for disaster from day one. But I turned 18, started making changes to better myself, and now I'm basically awesome. When I fail, it's because I made a bad choice, not because my mom screwed up my youth. I learned to take full responsibility for my actions, my choices, and my life.
You should try it.0 -
I know it can be easy to be angry, but you just have to let it go. Her poor choices probably affected her, as well. Being someone who's been overweight for most of your life, you probably know that it's a very difficult cycle to break.
In my family, food was used as a way to show each other we cared. My mom would oftentimes bring me home treats (junk food) to show that she loved and was thinking about me.
I sometimes do feel angry towards my mom for not teaching me good eating habits, but then I realize that she has issues with food herself. I think that if your mother isn't overweight, exercises and eats healthy but fed you junk food- THEN you should be angry at her because she obviously was just trying to make your life miserable. However, I'm assuming it wasn't- and that she loved and cared about you and was only giving you junk food because that was what made her happy/helped her cope with emotions/whatever it was for her.
I've found that letting go of the anger towards my upbringing has really helped me be a happier person. There's nothing I can do about the past, just the present to change the future. 0 -
First off, congrats on your success thus far!
I think this is a tricky subject and that in the end there is blame on both your side and your mom's side. Yes, when you were really young, you had to eat what she fed you. But once you had gotten into your teens, there probably was an opportunity to stand up for yourself a little bit. I saw that happen with many of my friends: they were chubby and then in high school they took their bodies seriously, hit the gym, ate better, and lost weight.
Regardless of whether you think it's your mom's fault or not, it's time to take control of your life.0 -
Congratulations for your weight loss and for deciding to take care of your health. Your progress so far is amazing.
I am not sure I can give any sound advice, so I'll stick to a big digital hug and encouragement.
Walking a lot combined with strenght training usually help with weight loss and toning. Also, you are young: your skin should be able to get back to normal if you lose your weight slow enough. Don't be angry and don't give up, what you did so far is amazing - I am sure you can keep going.0 -
So what you're saying is....life isn't fair?
No. It's not.0 -
Congrat's on your loss so far. Don't dwell on the past. What's done is done. You can't change it so put it behind you and leave it there. As for the future...you can make a change and seems like you are on the right track. YOU are in charge of you know. Make good choices. Good luck on the rest of your journey.0
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I feel like my mom gave me an unfair start growing up and it's making me upset and angry lately.
I grew up eating unhealthy foods like McDonalds, Burger King, loads of carbohydrates, completely cooked down veggies (to the point they lack the enzymes and nutrition), sweets, tv dinners, soda, etc.
So I was always overweight to the point I was morbidly obese by the time I was 15 or 16. It took me until then that I realized the food she fed me was making me overweight, unhappy, and unhealthy.
I've lost some weight since then...about 100lbs, but I'm still overweight. I'm 190lbs and used to be about 300+. It's becoming -VERY- difficult to lose the last 50lbs despite exercising nearly everyday and eating 'healthier' (I still live w/ her so eating foods that's best for the body is a challenge so I've been stuck at this weight for about 2 years). I have taken a good look at my body and noticing the skin is beginning to sag, my breasts sag because of so much loose skin, etc. Not only that, but I've been told I may develop heart and blood problems in my later years simply because I was an overweight child. So I will have to get expensive plastic surgery and I am at risk of health problems in the future because of my mom's careless choices.
I need some advice and words of encouragement, please. =/ Thanks.
I had an unfair start too. I grew up on a farm where we worked all day long and ate whatever mom fed us. No one ever said, Hey, I need to go for a jog. Or I need to go on a diet. So why do I have to exercise and watch my calories now? Because I no longer live and work on a farm. And mom no longer feeds me.
It's time to stop blaming your mother for the past food choices. I'm pretty sure that she didn't force feed you the portions that you ate. Forgive her for whatever needs to be forgiven and move on. Take charge of your future. After all, you can't change the past anyway. And staying upset/angry only affects/burdens you... not your mother.0 -
I've been addicted to everything I've ever touched since adolescence...
I blamed my father (a truly evil man) , my (even more) abusive mother, where my family lived, the people who introduced me to " you name it". my wives, girlfriends, employers, etc...etc....etc.!! :laugh:
Then a book by Brian Tracy reminded me that the past is dead, and I'm alive:
"Accepting that you're completely responsible for yourself and realizing that no one is coming to the rescue is the beginning of peak performance. There's very little that you cannot do or have after you accept that If it's to be, it's up to me!
The opposite of accepting responsibility is making excuses and blaming people and things for what's going on in your life. And since everything we do is a matter of habit, if people get into the habit of making excuses, they get into the habit of evading responsibility at the same time. If they set a goal or objective for themselves, they immediately create an excuse that they hold in reserve just in case the accomplishment of the goal is too difficult or requires more self-discipline and persistence than they had thought. As soon as things start to go poorly, irresponsible people trot out their excuse and let themselves off the hook. But that won't get them anywhere in the long run."
This was a revolutionary way of looking at the world....
I saw myself immediately upon reading this, and I soon realized, that blame is destructive, and accepting full responsibilty for my present and future is powerful, and creative! It's working for me.
PM me if you want some book titles, or just to talk.
It's hard if we aren't used to it, but we have to shed those chains of our past, and we need to learn make our own, new , better, and healthy way.
Lowell in Miami
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I feel like my mom gave me an unfair start growing up and it's making me upset and angry lately.
I grew up eating unhealthy foods like McDonalds, Burger King, loads of carbohydrates, completely cooked down veggies (to the point they lack the enzymes and nutrition), sweets, tv dinners, soda, etc.
So I was always overweight to the point I was morbidly obese by the time I was 15 or 16. It took me until then that I realized the food she fed me was making me overweight, unhappy, and unhealthy.
I've lost some weight since then...about 100lbs, but I'm still overweight. I'm 190lbs and used to be about 300+. It's becoming -VERY- difficult to lose the last 50lbs despite exercising nearly everyday and eating 'healthier' (I still live w/ her so eating foods that's best for the body is a challenge so I've been stuck at this weight for about 2 years). I have taken a good look at my body and noticing the skin is beginning to sag, my breasts sag because of so much loose skin, etc. Not only that, but I've been told I may develop heart and blood problems in my later years simply because I was an overweight child. So I will have to get expensive plastic surgery and I am at risk of health problems in the future because of my mom's careless choices.
I need some advice and words of encouragement, please. =/ Thanks.
I had a very unfair start in life. It's different from yours but it doesn't matter. Comparing who has the worst situation is a slippery slope. My words of encouragement for you are that even though I had a very tragic and unfair childhood I still turned out okay and overcame much adversity. You can succeed at anything you set your mind to. Nothing can stop you if you decide. Find a way, over, under, around, through, doesn't matter. Full steam ahead. Just get moving. I was fat and obese most of my life and I achieved my weight loss goal at age 50 when females have a lot going against them. Doesn't matter. Just do it.0 -
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha0 -
You should give yourself some HUGE credit for dropping 100 lbs. That is really an amazing achievement.
Secondly, have you any way you can move out on your own? Getting out a toxic environment will do you a world of good. I would set this to be my #1 priority if I were in your situation. Do whatever you have to do. Work 2 or 3 jobs if you can. Save every dime you can. Just find a way to get on your own two feet.
Lastly, start tracking your calorie intake here and see how your current intake is compared to what your calorie goals should be. DO NOT undereat to try to drop those last 50 lbs too quickly. As you already know, the closer you get to your goal, the harder it is to lose a single pound, so patience and consistency is what will get you through this home stretch. I'd set your goal to be losing 1 lb per week for a while so you can ease into dropping these last 50 lbs.
As for the skin issue, it happens to a lot of us. I only lost about 40 lbs, but I have some loose skin as well. Unfortunately, there's not much to do about that, but you are young and otherwise healthy so it may tighten up in due time. Just stay hydrated and perhaps add some strength training to your fitness routine to help you maintain the muscle you have already. Excess skin is nothing compared to the long-term health damage caused by a lifetime of obesity, so I say just don't worry about the skin and move forward with your weight loss goals to get yourself healthy for life.
Chin up hon! You CAN do this. You just need to believe in yourself.
FWIW, you're not the only one with horrible parents here. You are definitely not alone in that. A lot of us on MFP ended up with issues with food and other substances from emotional damage from our childhood. I was never obese as a kid, but emotional eating became a big part of my life in college when a lot of family drama went down. Just focus on what you can do for yourself and let the rest be as it will be. You only have control over what you do for you.0 -
Ok so this is going to be long, mainly because of some of the replies that you have received. Some of them have excellent points and wonderful advice and then some of them act like you are attacking them as a parent.
As far as I can tell from your post as well as your replies to people replying to your post I do feel like your mom gave you an unfair start. And you absolutely have the right to feel upset and angry and anyone that dismisses those feelings should really not respond to your post.
As parents we have a duty to raise healthy children. If we do not know what healthy is then we freaking look that crap up. If our child is overweight then it is our duty as a good parent to help the child fix the problem. I have four daughters. Three of them are normal healthy weight children and one of them is not overweight but is getting a bit pudgy. I see it. She gets sweet just like the other children but I also make sure that I provide her with veggies that she likes. She doesn’t like peas but she loves green beans…so I make sure that her picky eating habits are met. Now when she becomes a teen and she goes to school and spends her lunch money on junk then that is on her but I will do my best by her when she is at home with me. Together my children and I will sit down and make a plan that everyone can be happy with.
And for some reason people think that kids just magically know why they are fat. No unfortunately it is NOT a 10 year olds fault that they are fat or a 13 year olds fault. Sorry but this is poor parenting. Mom and Dad help show children how to eat and THEY buy the food that enters the home. If you don’t have a job then you can’t buy your own food so who buys it? The parents. So whose fault is it? The parents. Anybody seeing a problem in this has issues and may need to look inside and ask themselves why they don’t think that this is the parents fault. Also who cares if mom or dad doesn’t know any better? So what. When I made the decision to have kids I also made the decision to take care of them and TEACH them how to care for themselves. Which means that if I do not know something then I look it up. If I find out my kid has diabetes then well of course I am going to look up how to help my child mediate the problem and learn from our mistakes. No parents aren’t perfect and yes we make mistakes but at some point it isn’t a mistake it is neglect and wrong. I have a relative who feeds her kids ONLY fast food and a snack on the way to fast food is a package of candy.
However everyone is right that there comes a time in life when you have to stand back and get over the hurt and pain. You will never heal until you decide to let it go. You do have to let go of that baggage. Easier said than done but you have to do it. Look we all have baggage. I have baggage from my dad telling ALL my relatives that I was black mailing him saying that he cheated on my mom. I was babysitting the neighbor’s kids when she was late getting back so I left a note on her door telling her that I was taking her kids to my house. I didn’t know that I accidently witnessed her sneaking out of our house. And so to head off me telling people he told them that I was lying even though I was too naïve to realize what I had witnessed. People are often crappy and that includes our family.
And as Photogrrl has said and as I will say, By the way if you haven’t started weight training you probably should…it might get you over that hump you are stuck at.
By the way Senabun I can see from your reply when you said, “No one will want you romantically or physically, but that's okay, because -you're my- chunky baby and always will be. I love you." I don’t know that she meant that hatefully more like stupidly. Meaning she was saying hey your fat but I love you so don’t worry about anyone else. No matter how she said it, IT WAS STUPID and HURTFUL. Actually you might not realize it but from your reply it sounds like you are the ‘baby’ of the family. Sounds like she is terrified that you are going to meet someone and then leave her home. The smaller you get the more likely you will to find a love interest and the more likely that her home will be empty (empty nest syndrome). Sounds like she’s terrified of losing her baby.
Haahaa, I just read jacs119 reply and I am totally leaning towards her trying to keep you at home. Seriously my husband would try to sabotage my diet plans a lot in the beginning of our relationship. I think he was scared I’d get all skinned up and someone would steal me away as he was chubby at the time. 10 years later, 4 kids later, and one handsome buff husband later he no longer tries to get me to eat bad foods.
Also you should sign up for work study. That would at least give you your own money to buy your own food.0 -
I feel yoru pain. You describe the first 40 years of my life. I was always told my Mom and I were close, but now looking back I see the control she tried to have over my life. I would sign up for school she would have to sign up for school, I would start WW, she would have to sign up too. She use to always say "We'll do it together", but it always ended up a competition. When my brother and I were both single she use to wish how Daniel would find someone nice, because he deserved it.a nd I would ask her what about me? She would say I didn't need anyone, I had her. Very disfunctional. I feel you.
Now all you can do is acknowlege what has happened in the past and move forward. Even though you live in the same house, but and prepare your own food. It's going to be hard, but look what you've done so far, 100 lbs!!! I never could do this until my Mom passed, but you've done it even with all the obsticles. You go girl!!
I started reading everything I could get my hands on about exercise, and healthy eating. I found eating foods I have to prepare, I was able to lose more and keep it off better. (no TV dinners, healthy choice or WW, no eating out as much as possible etc.) Since your've lost 100 lbs. already you know alot more about your body now, just keep trying. This is a life style change not once I get to____ then I stop. You're on the right track, just keep going. This is for you alone. Not to have a partner (although that would be nice) or for anyone else, this life style change is for you.0 -
That sucks that you had a bad start. That probably did start you off on this path, but now you know what the problem is, you are an adult, you need to fix it, looking back in anger is not going to help you.
You are an adult, you can live on your own, or at least get your own food, you can't complain that your mum feeds you the wrong food when she shouldn't have to be feeding you now anyway. Do something about this now, so you don't have to look back in another 10 years with regret and anger at today.
Well done on losing 100 pounds, thats an awesome achievement. I agree with someone who said start weight training if you don't already. It may help you lose the rest, and may also help stop your skin from sagging further.0 -
DIVORCE your story..IGNORE your past..If you truly want to make a change, Do it. The future holds the story unwritten and untold!!
This is something I heard awhile back and it just stuck with me. Your mind will believe anything you tell it, so be careful what you say.. Tell your mind you are worthy of change, of health. That you are deserving of a great fullfilling life. You should repeat these type of things over and over again when the negative thoughts start to creep up...
Hope this helps.. :flowerforyou:0 -
I'm calling troll! But I will let others make the call.0
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Welcome to life--it's not fair.0
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OK. Sorry you had a bad start. Truly, nobody's parents are perfect. But you are well on your way to recovery.
Some help? (I hope)
Have you seen the movie, "Rent?" I have adopted the song, "No day but today" as my anthem. I don't have to think about anything that was done to me or not done for me. AND I don't have to think about what I did or didn't do, either. Just today.
And for the plastic surgery--I assume you mean to remove the extra skin? Check into local burn centers. They usually offer better prices for this surgery, and then use the excised skin for burn patients.
Hope that helps some. And I hope this was mainly just a bad day.. We all have them, but they go away. Hang in there.0 -
First of all you can't blame your mom now. Maybe when you were a child and she was the one buying all of the food, but not now so stop. Now, turn it into a learning experience. Move forward, get past it. The past is in the past and you can't change it. You have done a great job losing weight so keep it up.0
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I know you're angry at your mom's meal choices .. you have to let it go now. Maybe she had her own depression and food issues. Maybe she simply didn't know how to cook unless it came out of a box and was pre-packaged. Packaged meals saved a lot of women from learning how to cook ..
I love cooking and have always cooked from scratch .. but .. that's just me. I've also learned that lots of recipes are not exactly "thinning" LOL .. But that shouldn't be the end of cooking either.
Now .. let's look at you today .. CONGRATS ON LOSING 100 LBS!! That's an amazing accomplishment. Even if you haven't budged for 2 years in weight .. that's good too .. because you've MAINTAINED!
It's time for a change up! So now .. start researching healthy foods .. top ten foods for healthy skin .. or healthy heart. Fat burning foods .. and cholesterol busters! Find out good fats from bad fats .. Veggies, Fruits, Nuts, seeds, lean meats and fish. Google it!
Next .. go shopping with your mom .. and offer substitute items for some stuff she may get. Look for coupons online and in the papers .. Instead of a bag of chips .. buy a bag of baby carrots to munch on. Make minor grocery adjustments. Less sodas (and avoid those diet sodas .. they're just as unhealthy)
Tell her it is extremely important to you to get and stay healthy.. and you'd like to help her too. You want her to stay around a while .. be there for when you get married and have children of your own. Tell her also .. you will need to be there for her one day -- and together, you can learn to cook and eat more healthy foods. Together .. you can extend your lives!
You can do this .. let go of the past .. don't blame your mom .. teach her a better way of eating too! It can only benefit you all!
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Wow everyone here is pretty rude and unrealistic. While personal responsibility is a big deal when you are older, it is the responsibility of parents to provide healthy food to their children. Most children don't know or care about portion control - geez what kind of kids do you guys hang out with?! I stopped eating when I was full, but I would never turn down pancakes or waffles or dessert. I never once thought as a kid "gee, I had pizza for lunch so maybe I should skip dessert tonight". No - I always cleared my plate and I ate dessert.
However I was lucky because my parents did not let us eat out more than once a month and we almost never had dessert. We were forced to eat our vegetables and we were required to play a sport. Thus, I grew up at a healthy weight and fairly in shape. No her mom did not force food down her throat, and she didn't claim that. But buying groceries is the parents responsibility. Again, your average 3rd grader has NO IDEA about portion control or the amount of calories in mashed potatoes! (and they are kids - they shouldn't have to care!) And if they are fed terrible food as a child, they are more likely to be tired and less likely to be active.
Of course I agree that by the time you are a teenager, healthy eating and portion control start to become more natural. But if all you have is junk around the house, it's still pretty difficult to make good choices. All I can tell you is you have to talk to your mother about buying better food and how important it is for you. Stop going out to eat with her, and explain it's because you can't keep eating bad food. I'm not sure how old you are now, but getting a job to buy your own food and maybe moving out might be a good option.
again I agree personal responsibility is huge - obviously you don't have a problem with it since you've already lost so much weight. I don't think you are complaining I think you just wanted a place to vent. Totally fine! we're (mostly) here to support you!0 -
Simple answer:
You had no control then. You do now, so use it!
If you need to use anger as a tool to push you to success then go for it, but don't live in the past and blame others. Negativity will hinder your progress - that I am 100% sure of!0 -
At 20, I think most people are still recovering from some facet of their childhoods. So, still being mad at Mom at this point may not be helpful but it is perfectly normal.
You are young enough that you may be able to avoid later surgery for saggy skin. I have heard that compression garments can help - don't know how likely it is to work, but it is safer and cheaper than surgery.
It's amazing that you have lost so much weight! Congratulations; that is very, very impressive.
Weight loss normally does get more difficult as one approaches one's goal. And as you get closer, you may get a better idea what the goal should be.
At your current weight, eating well and exercising may be more important than further weight loss. If you took half a year to just get stabilized, that wouldn't be a bad thing.
(On the other hand, if you think there may be metabolic issues, talk to your doctor about that. For instance, even "pre-diabetes" can make it harder to lose weight. I read about some big study, the DPP, that found metformin helped people in the pre-diabetic range to stay healthy, avoid diabetes, and slim down. See what your pcp or endocrinologist says.)0
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