Mom, I'm fat
x_cinder_x
Posts: 118 Member
I came across this article today. It is a mothers response to her daughter 's "I'm fat statement." I thought it was beautiful how she dealt with it.
“Mom, I’m Fat:” One Mother’s Inspired Response to Her 7 Year Old
by Janell Hofmann
I am sitting, cross legged, on the bathroom floor trimming my five year old daughters’ toenails. My nine year old son showers his muddy body as I lean against the tub. My three year old daughter wrestles herself into pajamas in her bedroom. My eleven year old son bursts in from football practice and hollers upstairs about reheating leftovers and having a sore throat. My husband is out dropping our minivan off for a tune up. The sun has set and we’re putting another day to rest. In the confusion of this typical weeknight, I glance up from the floor at my seven year old daughter, standing on the step stool, completely undressed, brushing her teeth. I don’t like the way she is looking at herself in the mirror. I don’t like the way she pokes at her belly and frowns at her profile. I watch her for another minute and step in.
“What’s up, girl?” I ask. “I’m fat.” she responds without hesitation. I’m instantly weak. She continues, “My stomach jiggles when I run. I want to be skinny. I want my stomach to go flat down.” I am silent. I have read the books, the blogs, the research. I have aced gender studies, mass media, society and culture courses in college. I have given advice to other mothers. I run workshops and programming for middle school girls. I have traveled across the world to empower women and children in poverty. I am over qualified to handle this comment. But in reality, my heart just breaks instead. I am mush. Not my girl.
I rally some composure and stay cool. “You are built just perfect – strong and healthy.” And she is. But this doesn’t soothe.
I flounder. This child – my first and wildly celebrated daughter – was breastfed girl power. I read picture books with only central female characters, I insisted she wrestle her big brothers, demanded family call her words like smart and brave as much as cute and adorable. I tell her we are all different – straight and thin to round and plump and millions of ways in between. I tell her it’s what makes us all beautiful. Unconvinced.
I send all the other kids away. I shut the door and we sit face to face on the floor. There is more here and I need to see it through. I tell her I looked just like her when I was seven. I tell her she will grow to be tall and strong and fierce, like me. Not good enough. I reach and scramble. I tell her how fast she runs. Remind her of the goal she scored in soccer. What an expert she is on her bike and the amazing balance and tricks she does on her scooter. I remind her of her high level reading, her artwork, her mastery of math facts. “Fat.”
I grow desperate. “Child! What is the first thing everyone tells you when they meet you?” She sighs, “I’m beautiful.” Beauty is not helping me here. I’m failing. Pleading, I ask her why. Her blues eyes meet mine. She tells me on two different occasions friends have called her “kind of fat” when they were talking about bodies this summer in their bathing suits. And she felt sad. But she also felt good because finally she confirmed that what she thought about her body was “mostly true”.
I think a few bad thoughts about her peers and their mothers and wonder what messages are being sent. I am out of tools. And now twenty minutes later, I’m out of patience too. I feel powerless to what seems certain to her. And I cannot understand how she does not see all of life’s perfection in her reflection.
I stand her up on the step stool in front of the mirror. I strip off my yoga pants, my tee shirt, my bra and underwear. We are side by side completely naked together. She laughs. I start singing a song that I’m making up as I go. It’s rap meets Raffi with lyrics like “We are perfect, just the way we are.” It’s wild and silly, but I cannot be stopped. We’re shaking everything, and she’s belly laughing and totally thrilled. I pick her up. We are a ridiculous and magnificent pair. The other kids hear the commotion and barge in. They are confused and horrified. I carry her to the bedroom raving about all the ways we are powerful and naked and women. We settle into comfy pajamas and read a story together. Fat is not mentioned again.
On this night, I have no idea if I have succeeded. I’m not sure if what I said and did had an impact, if I fixed anything, or even if I changed her mind. But I do know that I must continue to infuse myself and my children with bold confidence. I must check in, ask questions, take the time. I must build and undo. I must be open and genuine. I must but willing to dance naked in the mirror, resist the urge to see all the ways five babies have changed me, and stare straight into my reflection with love. Then together, with a twinkle in our eyes, we only see radiance shining back.
“Mom, I’m Fat:” One Mother’s Inspired Response to Her 7 Year Old
by Janell Hofmann
I am sitting, cross legged, on the bathroom floor trimming my five year old daughters’ toenails. My nine year old son showers his muddy body as I lean against the tub. My three year old daughter wrestles herself into pajamas in her bedroom. My eleven year old son bursts in from football practice and hollers upstairs about reheating leftovers and having a sore throat. My husband is out dropping our minivan off for a tune up. The sun has set and we’re putting another day to rest. In the confusion of this typical weeknight, I glance up from the floor at my seven year old daughter, standing on the step stool, completely undressed, brushing her teeth. I don’t like the way she is looking at herself in the mirror. I don’t like the way she pokes at her belly and frowns at her profile. I watch her for another minute and step in.
“What’s up, girl?” I ask. “I’m fat.” she responds without hesitation. I’m instantly weak. She continues, “My stomach jiggles when I run. I want to be skinny. I want my stomach to go flat down.” I am silent. I have read the books, the blogs, the research. I have aced gender studies, mass media, society and culture courses in college. I have given advice to other mothers. I run workshops and programming for middle school girls. I have traveled across the world to empower women and children in poverty. I am over qualified to handle this comment. But in reality, my heart just breaks instead. I am mush. Not my girl.
I rally some composure and stay cool. “You are built just perfect – strong and healthy.” And she is. But this doesn’t soothe.
I flounder. This child – my first and wildly celebrated daughter – was breastfed girl power. I read picture books with only central female characters, I insisted she wrestle her big brothers, demanded family call her words like smart and brave as much as cute and adorable. I tell her we are all different – straight and thin to round and plump and millions of ways in between. I tell her it’s what makes us all beautiful. Unconvinced.
I send all the other kids away. I shut the door and we sit face to face on the floor. There is more here and I need to see it through. I tell her I looked just like her when I was seven. I tell her she will grow to be tall and strong and fierce, like me. Not good enough. I reach and scramble. I tell her how fast she runs. Remind her of the goal she scored in soccer. What an expert she is on her bike and the amazing balance and tricks she does on her scooter. I remind her of her high level reading, her artwork, her mastery of math facts. “Fat.”
I grow desperate. “Child! What is the first thing everyone tells you when they meet you?” She sighs, “I’m beautiful.” Beauty is not helping me here. I’m failing. Pleading, I ask her why. Her blues eyes meet mine. She tells me on two different occasions friends have called her “kind of fat” when they were talking about bodies this summer in their bathing suits. And she felt sad. But she also felt good because finally she confirmed that what she thought about her body was “mostly true”.
I think a few bad thoughts about her peers and their mothers and wonder what messages are being sent. I am out of tools. And now twenty minutes later, I’m out of patience too. I feel powerless to what seems certain to her. And I cannot understand how she does not see all of life’s perfection in her reflection.
I stand her up on the step stool in front of the mirror. I strip off my yoga pants, my tee shirt, my bra and underwear. We are side by side completely naked together. She laughs. I start singing a song that I’m making up as I go. It’s rap meets Raffi with lyrics like “We are perfect, just the way we are.” It’s wild and silly, but I cannot be stopped. We’re shaking everything, and she’s belly laughing and totally thrilled. I pick her up. We are a ridiculous and magnificent pair. The other kids hear the commotion and barge in. They are confused and horrified. I carry her to the bedroom raving about all the ways we are powerful and naked and women. We settle into comfy pajamas and read a story together. Fat is not mentioned again.
On this night, I have no idea if I have succeeded. I’m not sure if what I said and did had an impact, if I fixed anything, or even if I changed her mind. But I do know that I must continue to infuse myself and my children with bold confidence. I must check in, ask questions, take the time. I must build and undo. I must be open and genuine. I must but willing to dance naked in the mirror, resist the urge to see all the ways five babies have changed me, and stare straight into my reflection with love. Then together, with a twinkle in our eyes, we only see radiance shining back.
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Replies
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This is beautiful and so sad all at the same time. Society scares me.0
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What an awesome Mum you are,a nd you did well, handled it beautifully!
Why are our 7yo's saying "I am fat" ?0 -
That was awesome!! Thanks for sharing!0
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This is awesome. But also scares me for having children in the future. I only hope that i can instill good things in my children's heads and hope that they all have better body image then I did growing up. I have to remember this story. Thanks for sharing!!0
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Great article but sad all at the same time. Thanks for sharing.0
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this is sad that our society has 7 yo girls so disturbed about their bodies. I love how this mom dealt with this. So touching to say the least, and yet makes me despise society even more. Our children should spend their time playing and being children, and not stress fatness.0
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That's a good mom
mine was the first person to tell me I'm fat... 0 -
You are a very brave mother. I wish that I could have had that type of experience as a child.0
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Wonderful article, amazing mother, love the way she dealt with the situation.0
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I live with an eight year old and she is starting to ask me about my going to the gym. I tell her that it's to be healthy and she just kind of looks confused. I worry about the body image challenges she is going to face too.
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this is awesome
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But, but, but....what if she IS fat? Kids aren't stupid. She may be becoming aware of the fact that she's bigger than her peers. And most parents I know are in denial about their kids' obesity. They'll say, "Oh, he's just big-boned, just like me," or "It's just baby fat." Really? At 12?
Maybe in this case, mom could have used this as an opportunity to start an education about healthy eating and exercise. From the article, it sounds like the girl is already pretty active. Maybe, just maybe, she's eating the typical Standard American Diet - aptly called S.A.D. - and it's starting to take its toll. From the article, with 5 kids 2 years apart, it's possible that healthy cooking isn't on this family's priority list.
I would definitely tell her that, at 7, her body is changing almost daily, and not to stress over it. Find out what's a healthy weight for a girl her age and go from there. Eat well and exercise, and she'll be fine. Encourage her to help out in the kitchen and learn healthy cooking. Set her up for life. This applies to ALL her children (well, maybe not the youngest one).
I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but I DO think many parents don't see the forest for the trees when it comes to their kids' weight.0 -
When I had my daughter I swore I would never say anything to her if she got chubby, but lead by example. My daughter has been thin all her life and when she went through puberty around 13 she put on weight all the sudden. I never, ever said anything to her about it. But I did talk to her about healthy foods and making good choices. She's a figure skater and ran track, so has always been active. Eventually her height caught up with her weight and now she's a tall, thin 19 year old who's confident in her body and able to make good choices (most of the time) when it comes to nutrition.
I have a cousin who's father (who was obese) constantly berated her about her weight and all it did was demoralize her. She's been obese since she was a child.0 -
This is so crushing to see that the child is just seven!! This mom is great though! I think she handled it well. (:0
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This is wonderful. My mom was constantly dieting and talking negatively about her appearance and I think it definitely affected me. Now I'm a mother to a kickass baby girl and it's really important to me that she finds her strength. It bums me out that even if I'm not a neurotic crazy person, my daughter will still receive these messages tying her worth with her beauty and drawing her into silly consumerist nonsense at a young age. I hope I can be even half as supportive and inspiring as the mum who wrote this.
A fantastic piece.0 -
Wow. Thanks0
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Beautiful and sad... Thanks for posting!0
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Well, that was creepy as hell.0
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This is such a beautiful article, it gave me goosebumps.
It shows how confidence and love are more important than trying to impress other people and fit into their standards.
For myself, one of the things that took away all my confidence and enjoyment in life was not connecting with my parents. They "loved" me, but it never felt warm or friendly.
At least this girl, if she one day decides to be fitter, will be confident to go straight to her mumfor guidance and she can be set in a good direction 0 -
This is so lovely and so tragic. I cried as I finished the article. Thank you for sharing!0
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It is so scary out there for these kids. My daughter is 12. She is 5' tall & 78lbs. No where near fat. But she will find places on her body that she thinks are 'fat'. It scares me. For the most part she eats healthy. She is extremely active with horseback riding, dance & gymnastics.
I am at a loss & have tried to call my journey ''getting healthy'' not dieting.0 -
My daughter is also 7 years old and over weight. As a mother I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. Because of my own weight struggles I always made sure that my children ate healthier smaller portions, hoping that would help keep them from becoming over weight. I continued to beat myself up over my childrens weight problems because no matter what I did seemed to help, but I didn't want to make it obvious and cause emotional and mental problems like my parents did to me. Recently I found out my children are not only eating breakfast at home but going to school eating breakfast again, then also getting extra at lunch time, then eating a snack before even getting home from school. My children have to eat breakfast at home because my son needs to take medicine with food before he goes to school. So I had to call the school and have their meal cards pulled. I now pack their lunches and they can only eat breakfast at home. Slowly I can see changes in my childrens weigh but again I am not pointing any of this out to them because I don't want them ever to feel like they are "fat" or ugly.
The other day my daughter came up to me and said, "Mom, why did you put me on a diet? Do you think I am fat?" I was speechless. I guess since she has seen me go from a size 22 to a 10 she must have assumed I was putting her on a diet as well. Before I answered her I thought about it and just told her, " Mommy didn't put you on a diet. Has Mommy ever told you that you were fat?" She replied, "No, you just tell me that I am beautiful, but do you want me to be skinny?" I told her, " Do you think Mommy is skinny?" She said, "No I don't think your skinny." Last I told her. "I don't want to be skinny either. I just want us both to be healthy. Eating to much food a day isn't healthy. You and your brother weren't listening to me when I told you not to eat breakfast at school. So to make sure you're not eating two breakfasts and getting extra at lunch I had to pull your lunch card at school. You aren't fat, your beautiful and by not eating constinatly at school your going to be healthy now too."
She seemed to be okay with that answer and hasn't said anything about being fat since. I'll never know if I said the right thing or if it may have some long term effect on her. All I can do is keep telling her how beautiful she is and stay on my weight loss journey so that she has me to look up to as a role model.0 -
MMkinch it sounds like you said just the right thing to your daughter. Raising a child is a minefield and sometimes you feel like you're saying the right thing but then it blows up in your face. By your daughter's reaction I would say you avoided the mine.0
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My daughter was 7 in 1992, and she came home telling me she was "fat." No, she was not "fat," in fact, she was a little underweight.
I talked to her, hoping to find out where she was getting these ideas, and found out several little girl's were not eating their lunches at school because they thought that also.
I went to the principal, along with several of the other parents, and to help resolve the matter, the cafeteria chef's made special "chef's salads" for them. Lots of sliced boiled eggs, diced ham, etc. The girls loved it, as it was like going to "Souper Salad" for them. My daughter loves that place to this day.
In retrospect, I am wondering if we made the right decision.
I have had weight issues since leaving the military when I was 30, in 1990. I went from 130 up 10 pounds every year. So, I was about 150 then. 13 pounds lighter than the day I had her.:grumble: Yes, I am sure it made an impact on my daughter..especially since I would barely leave the house because I was so embarrassed of my weight. I had been in the ARMY, and was fit and healthy, but after I got out I just let myself go. I didn't run everyday, as right before I go out, I injured my knee jumping off the back of a 5 ton truck-(now, am completely 100% disabled from that injury.)I have yo-yo'ed up and down for 22 years. This has ended, now with the help I get here.
But my daughter..she is a little overweight, but a true
STUNNER . But, I know she obsesses about her weight, because in her personal bathroom, she always has her weight written down on her mirror, listed w/dates, just LIKE I DO!! It is a subject we cannot even talk about.:noway:
Sad.:ohwell:0 -
Nice story...sad that our sons and daughters of correct body weight for their height are saying these things, yes my two at some point have both said this. They are both petite and normal weight...*shrug*...I just pointed out that everyone is different and not being as thin as the thinnest person or as tall as the tallest person in the class, does not make them fat or short. Kids can be cruel though. Today's media can be even more crass and cruel. Weaning them off pop culture can be hard when all their friends buy into the bull**** that is churned out by magazines, pop songs, pop idols, etc.
I know keeping the T.V. off and thinking for myself (not buying into the mass media funk) has helped me mentally heaploads!0 -
My 7 year old daughter said something similar just recently because a girl she knows told her she was fat. I was really angry with the girl but tried to explain to my daughter that some people have issues and should just be ignored. When I asked her if she thought she was fat she didn't answer. She eats like a mouse and I have to take in her trousers or they will fall down, she is not skinny but she is slim and I can't believe she has been convinced by one comment that she is. I worry constantly that I will pass on my body image issues to my girls and when they ask me about my food or exercise I always say it is to keep healthy. I really wish girls would stop trying to pull each other down and stick together, it;s no wonder we have girls starving themselves to death.0
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Sad and beautiful. Thank you for posting.0
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Absolutely perfect response.
My mother was always quick to tell me when I was gaining weight.0 -
Lovely story0
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Well, that was creepy as hell.
haha glad someone else was thinking what i was thinking...
good for the mom for dealing with the issue and not just trying to avoid a difficult conversation, but weird way to deal with it. i work with kids with a lot of different body types... some grow out of the pudge, and others don't. genetics are a b*tch.0
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