Mom, I'm fat

x_cinder_x

I came across this article today. It is a mothers response to her daughter 's "I'm fat statement." I thought it was beautiful how she dealt with it.

“Mom, I’m Fat:” One Mother’s Inspired Response to Her 7 Year Old
by Janell Hofmann
I am sitting, cross legged, on the bathroom floor trimming my five year old daughters’ toenails. My nine year old son showers his muddy body as I lean against the tub. My three year old daughter wrestles herself into pajamas in her bedroom. My eleven year old son bursts in from football practice and hollers upstairs about reheating leftovers and having a sore throat. My husband is out dropping our minivan off for a tune up. The sun has set and we’re putting another day to rest. In the confusion of this typical weeknight, I glance up from the floor at my seven year old daughter, standing on the step stool, completely undressed, brushing her teeth. I don’t like the way she is looking at herself in the mirror. I don’t like the way she pokes at her belly and frowns at her profile. I watch her for another minute and step in.

“What’s up, girl?” I ask. “I’m fat.” she responds without hesitation. I’m instantly weak. She continues, “My stomach jiggles when I run. I want to be skinny. I want my stomach to go flat down.” I am silent. I have read the books, the blogs, the research. I have aced gender studies, mass media, society and culture courses in college. I have given advice to other mothers. I run workshops and programming for middle school girls. I have traveled across the world to empower women and children in poverty. I am over qualified to handle this comment. But in reality, my heart just breaks instead. I am mush. Not my girl.

I rally some composure and stay cool. “You are built just perfect – strong and healthy.” And she is. But this doesn’t soothe.

I flounder. This child – my first and wildly celebrated daughter – was breastfed girl power. I read picture books with only central female characters, I insisted she wrestle her big brothers, demanded family call her words like smart and brave as much as cute and adorable. I tell her we are all different – straight and thin to round and plump and millions of ways in between. I tell her it’s what makes us all beautiful. Unconvinced.

I send all the other kids away. I shut the door and we sit face to face on the floor. There is more here and I need to see it through. I tell her I looked just like her when I was seven. I tell her she will grow to be tall and strong and fierce, like me. Not good enough. I reach and scramble. I tell her how fast she runs. Remind her of the goal she scored in soccer. What an expert she is on her bike and the amazing balance and tricks she does on her scooter. I remind her of her high level reading, her artwork, her mastery of math facts. “Fat.”

I grow desperate. “Child! What is the first thing everyone tells you when they meet you?” She sighs, “I’m beautiful.” Beauty is not helping me here. I’m failing. Pleading, I ask her why. Her blues eyes meet mine. She tells me on two different occasions friends have called her “kind of fat” when they were talking about bodies this summer in their bathing suits. And she felt sad. But she also felt good because finally she confirmed that what she thought about her body was “mostly true”.

I think a few bad thoughts about her peers and their mothers and wonder what messages are being sent. I am out of tools. And now twenty minutes later, I’m out of patience too. I feel powerless to what seems certain to her. And I cannot understand how she does not see all of life’s perfection in her reflection.

I stand her up on the step stool in front of the mirror. I strip off my yoga pants, my tee shirt, my bra and underwear. We are side by side completely naked together. She laughs. I start singing a song that I’m making up as I go. It’s rap meets Raffi with lyrics like “We are perfect, just the way we are.” It’s wild and silly, but I cannot be stopped. We’re shaking everything, and she’s belly laughing and totally thrilled. I pick her up. We are a ridiculous and magnificent pair. The other kids hear the commotion and barge in. They are confused and horrified. I carry her to the bedroom raving about all the ways we are powerful and naked and women. We settle into comfy pajamas and read a story together. Fat is not mentioned again.

On this night, I have no idea if I have succeeded. I’m not sure if what I said and did had an impact, if I fixed anything, or even if I changed her mind. But I do know that I must continue to infuse myself and my children with bold confidence. I must check in, ask questions, take the time. I must build and undo. I must be open and genuine. I must but willing to dance naked in the mirror, resist the urge to see all the ways five babies have changed me, and stare straight into my reflection with love. Then together, with a twinkle in our eyes, we only see radiance shining back.

MissKalhan

This is beautiful and so sad all at the same time. Society scares me.

vzryder

What an awesome Mum you are,a nd you did well, handled it beautifully!

Why are our 7yo's saying "I am fat" ?

gaylynn35

That was awesome!! Thanks for sharing!

abbie72003

This is awesome. But also scares me for having children in the future. I only hope that i can instill good things in my children's heads and hope that they all have better body image then I did growing up. I have to remember this story. Thanks for sharing!!

RUNN3Rmom

Great article but sad all at the same time. Thanks for sharing.

Tropical_Turtle

this is sad that our society has 7 yo girls so disturbed about their bodies. I love how this mom dealt with this. So touching to say the least, and yet makes me despise society even more. Our children should spend their time playing and being children, and not stress fatness.

bradphil87

That's a good mom mine was the first person to tell me I'm fat...

queencat3

You are a very brave mother. I wish that I could have had that type of experience as a child.

Graelwyn75

Wonderful article, amazing mother, love the way she dealt with the situation.

TinGirl314

I live with an eight year old and she is starting to ask me about my going to the gym. I tell her that it's to be healthy and she just kind of looks confused. I worry about the body image challenges she is going to face too.

tikafly

this is awesome

millerll

But, but, but....what if she IS fat? Kids aren't stupid. She may be becoming aware of the fact that she's bigger than her peers. And most parents I know are in denial about their kids' obesity. They'll say, "Oh, he's just big-boned, just like me," or "It's just baby fat." Really? At 12?

Maybe in this case, mom could have used this as an opportunity to start an education about healthy eating and exercise. From the article, it sounds like the girl is already pretty active. Maybe, just maybe, she's eating the typical Standard American Diet - aptly called S.A.D. - and it's starting to take its toll. From the article, with 5 kids 2 years apart, it's possible that healthy cooking isn't on this family's priority list.

I would definitely tell her that, at 7, her body is changing almost daily, and not to stress over it. Find out what's a healthy weight for a girl her age and go from there. Eat well and exercise, and she'll be fine. Encourage her to help out in the kitchen and learn healthy cooking. Set her up for life. This applies to ALL her children (well, maybe not the youngest one).

I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but I DO think many parents don't see the forest for the trees when it comes to their kids' weight.

kimberliiw

When I had my daughter I swore I would never say anything to her if she got chubby, but lead by example. My daughter has been thin all her life and when she went through puberty around 13 she put on weight all the sudden. I never, ever said anything to her about it. But I did talk to her about healthy foods and making good choices. She's a figure skater and ran track, so has always been active. Eventually her height caught up with her weight and now she's a tall, thin 19 year old who's confident in her body and able to make good choices (most of the time) when it comes to nutrition.

I have a cousin who's father (who was obese) constantly berated her about her weight and all it did was demoralize her. She's been obese since she was a child.

LindsayWantsToBeHealthy

This is so crushing to see that the child is just seven!! This mom is great though! I think she handled it well. (:

DorkothyParker

This is wonderful. My mom was constantly dieting and talking negatively about her appearance and I think it definitely affected me. Now I'm a mother to a kickass baby girl and it's really important to me that she finds her strength. It bums me out that even if I'm not a neurotic crazy person, my daughter will still receive these messages tying her worth with her beauty and drawing her into silly consumerist nonsense at a young age. I hope I can be even half as supportive and inspiring as the mum who wrote this.

A fantastic piece.

GiddyupTim

Wow. Thanks

misalillstead

Beautiful and sad... Thanks for posting!

DopeItUp

Well, that was creepy as hell.

SurfyFriend

This is such a beautiful article, it gave me goosebumps.
It shows how confidence and love are more important than trying to impress other people and fit into their standards.
For myself, one of the things that took away all my confidence and enjoyment in life was not connecting with my parents. They "loved" me, but it never felt warm or friendly.
At least this girl, if she one day decides to be fitter, will be confident to go straight to her mumfor guidance and she can be set in a good direction

healthynotthin

This is so lovely and so tragic. I cried as I finished the article. Thank you for sharing!