What happened to 'it's what's on the inside...'

meggolego

I find myself pretty frustrated in this whole quest for a companion, that I'm not "supposed" to be looking for. I get so tired of hearing "he's out there, you just haven't met him yet." Or, from all my friends in relationships, "man I miss my single days - enjoy them!" And then there's my favorite, "he'll come when you least expect it. Don't search, just let it happen!"

Call me a cynic, but I feel like I am unable to find someone because no one will look past the number on the scale and the tag of my clothes to give me a chance. Sure, focus on yourself and once you're happy, you will find someone. Of course I will, because then I'll have lost more weight and have a rockin' bod. Which, is going to happen, I'm definitely looking forward to that. But you know what, being single is pretty lonely when a great majority of your friends are in relationships. They look forward to girls nights, but that's my every night. I want to have someone think about me when I'm not around. And I want to love someone just as much.

It's hard not to think the reason that no one wants to be with you is because you're overweight. I like to think I have a lot to offer and just meet these guys that I like and think that we would just work out so well together. Then what? Not even a second look from them. Not to mention any rude remarks from people with ugly souls you may hear. These guys that won't give me the time of day now, definitely won't get my time of day in the future.

Are people really that shallow? Am I crazy for thinking that's the issue?

Michaelsdin

I went for whats on the inside in my wife. She was smart talented, ambitiouse(spelling?), we clicked instantly, we would talk for hours over the phone like kids and still do on occasion. You will find someone in the mean time enjoy your life when it happens there will be much more to enjoy.

Michaelsdin

to answer your question no not all people or men are that shallow. Most go for looks but it ends up biting them in the *kitten* later. 60% of my friends went for looks and want what 40% of my friends have.....love, compassion,a serious relationship.

tequila09

i don't think that is the issue at all, i know and have seen plenty of overweight people in relationships. It probably really is that you haven't found the right guy yet! when you're alone all you want is to be in a relationship (we've all been there!) but it is important to be happy on your own and when it happens it happens and it will be wonderful! it also definitely is what is on the inside that counts because a nice body may attract someone but it won't keep them if their personality sucks! i know this isn't what you want to hear but work on yourself and get to your happy place and it will happen eventually!

kdeaux1959

Those who are abusive of you (for whatever reason) are not deserving of you. Of course we all have areas of our lives that we need to work on. I went through many years of waiting (was a pretty shy male and somewhat insecure in myself to be honest)... It is tough. I can empathize with you.. I can also say that it can happen for just about anybody because it happened for me... I found the right woman for me and we have now been married for nearly 20 years... (I was married when I was 33 years old and did not meet my wife and start dating until I was 32).... Before that, I really did not date much at all... Putting yourself in a position to be noticed and find somebody compatible is an important part of the process. What kind of man are you looking for? Someone settled? Someone Christian? Someone fun-loving? Find the places where THAT type of person hangs out and just be yourself.. Work on those areas that need work whether it is weight or career or whatever... It was when I started dealing with other areas of my life and becoming settled in myself that the right person crossed my path and it has really worked out well ... Just be yourself though... That is important... Best wishes on your journey. You are a person of value and deserve the best.

meggolego

Thanks guys! SO much.
I know that not everyone is like that, otherwise this world would be a lot worse off. I guess it's just frustrating at times. Just had to vent it out a little bit, ya know? Losing this little bit of weight has certainly boosted my confidence, so I'm myself around basically everyone and all different locales.

And loved the iphone comparison haha

JennPrebs

People are very shallow. I felt the same way you did for a while, but then I found him, and on a game through the internet. I happened to find someone who loves me when I was 215 and only 5 ft tall, and you will love me if I am 125 ( which is my goal). A lot of men have this visual expectation of super models and its bulls***. I would actually rather be with someone while I am bigger cause then I know they will love me no matter what, if you start to lose a lot of weight then you might attract jerks who just want a one night stand. I am not the best advice giver but here it goes, broaden your horizons, look to meet people in new and different environments ( i know the internet sounds crazy but you really get to know a person before you start judging them on their full physical appearance) I was good friends with my current boyfriend online for a couple years until we decided to meet. Im sorry that people Are so ridiculous with there outlandish standards, I hope the best you!

Tkwild

Perhaps you are having issues because you expect guys to reject you based on size, and are putting that vibe out there? I have been attractive to LOTS of guys at 230lbs, because I assume I will be and am confident in myself. You get what you expect, expect that because you are an attractive person (cute as a button in your pic!) other people will think so too

JosephVitte

I hear ya..............at the same time, you're ending seems shallow in itself..............like your not going to give someone the time of day, because they didn't when you were overweight. Let's just move along..............

I've been single for over 4 yrs, no dates, no sex, no nothing. It's a far cry from my yester years........but in all honesty.........I'm happier now then I think I've ever been. One way or another, with relationships comes drama, especially if it's not a "serious" relationship., and even more especially if it is a "serious" relationship. And the problem with that is, how many relationships ever start as "serious". It's almost like you have to make it past that stage first............then it's "serious". So what if it never get's "serious"? Then your most likely pissed off and bitter. I assume this because you sound like your not just looking for a hook up.........correct me if I'm wrong. even the ppl just looking for a hook up don't wanna be "left alone" after a week or two, then they feel used, or not good enough, even if they weren't looking for something serious...... psychology can really take over in some studies.............lol. Anyway............So you don't wanna hear all that your friends tell you............maybe you oughta ask yourself............"what do I really want?" From what you stated......you want a boyfriend..............why? Because your friends have one? For sex ? Companionship? Someone to talk to? All of the above?

Figure out what your looking for.............the type of guy...........will any do? If you really just want a guy, I'm pretty sure you could go to a bar or some place of sorts................and get something started................figure out what you want first.

meggolego

Perhaps you are having issues because you expect guys to reject you based on size, and are putting that vibe out there? I have been attractive to LOTS of guys at 230lbs, because I assume I will be and am confident in myself. You get what you expect, expect that because you are an attractive person (cute as a button in your pic!) other people will think so too

Hadn't really thought about it that way. Definitely need to make sure I'm not putting out those negative vibes, setting myself up for failure basically. Thanks!

Michaelsdin

Perhaps you are having issues because you expect guys to reject you based on size, and are putting that vibe out there? I have been attractive to LOTS of guys at 230lbs, because I assume I will be and am confident in myself. You get what you expect, expect that because you are an attractive person (cute as a button in your pic!) other people will think so too

I agree totally if you have confidence in yourself people will notice. Confidence in itself will attract.

bradphil87

Trust me, I thought the same thing when I started. It's not the case...I thought being larger gave me a disadvantage or that I was being overlooked because of it. It turns out in in the same place with the weight off so it wasn't that haha.

hiker359

"If you can't handle the challenge of being single, you will never be able to handle the challenge of being married." Stop trying so hard and be who you want to be on your own and chances are, somebody will notice and sweep you off your feet. If they don't it should be their loss, not yours.

EDesq

I'm not going to lie and say I read that whole "story" you wrote. I'll go from the Title and 1st Paragraph.

Word of warning...YOU GET WHAT YOU ATTRACT (and what you attract is "where you are", ie, if you have low self esteem you will probably attract a "Predator" user, someone who will prey on your weakness or someone who also has low self esteem. Sometimes we don't "get" someone right away because "we" are not in a place (Emotionally, Spiritually, Psychologically, Mentally) that will bring the Best Partner for us. It is good that The Universe kinda looks after us...BUT if you INSIST on SOMEONE, maybe that person will come and you will write on here how utterly miserable you are, blah, blah, blah. I suggest that you take care of YOU and get in a "better place" to attract the Best/Right Partner. Take it from someone with experience in this area of Life...It is better to be alone than coupled with someone you are not meant to be with.

JosephVitte

@PU239

Well thanks.................with you adding it a second time you can get dizzier..............and no..............your comment will not convince me to change the way I write...............just in case you were wondering..............lol..

chubbygirl253

I found my fiance when i was at my heaviest. He loves me inside and out. He's my biggest supporter and cheers me on, every pound I lose. But I know if I don't ever reach my goal or if I regain my lost pounds he won't love me any less. And he looks at me like a piece of candy he wants to unwrap. He's a keeper.

meggolego

"If you can't handle the challenge of being single, you will never be able to handle the challenge of being married." Stop trying so hard and be who you want to be on your own and chances are, somebody will notice and sweep you off your feet. If they don't it should be their loss, not yours.

Like that quote. And I know, I know, patience is a virtue haha Im just impatient sometimes! lol

_lizzie_

I thought no one would look at me twice because I was overweight as well, but I had recently lost a few pounds and was feeling really confident when I met my guy at a bus stop. I was feeling cocky and I came on to him and gave him my number and we've been together for years now. I asked him later, after successfully losing the rest of the weight, about when he first got a look at me if he noticed me at all or if he thought I looked slightly overweight. He said all he noticed was that I was cute and had big ummm...assets! He is usually too polite to say things like that but I think its the honest truth. Guys aren't as picky as you think, or as I once thought. They're really quite simple about these things and seem to focus on what they like most about you. Despite what you think are glaring imperfections, they probably dont even notice them.

ckish

Did you ever think that the reason you have not found "the one" could be because he is not quite ready himself? Just because your paths have not intersected yet doesn't mean that is because of something you have control of. Maybe he is strugglinng to find himself or end a relationship. Maybe he is still too overcome by grief after the loss of his wife to be open to a new love. But once you do meet that one whom you will spend the rest of your life with - the waiting will be such a distant memory and you will see why it took so long.

I've been married for almost 30 years. But I remember being dissapointed that it seemed to take forever to comb thru a bunch of "not-quite rights" before he entered my life. I met some nice guys along the way but nothing quite clicked. I wondered if I should change to make a relationship work. Then I remembered a song from years ago - "It's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along" And it would give me the strength to wait. I'm happy to say the wait was worth it. When I met my husband to be I was not very attractive, short hair, out of shape, no style, etc. But I learned he loved me for who I am not what I looked like. After some major surgery while my face was so swollen I really wanted an shake from Baskin Robbins. He was going to run out and get me one but my pain pills had just kicked in and I was in the mood to go out. When I insisted on going into the store he didn't miss a beat. He had to translate my order cause the clerk could understand my garbled language. When my Dad found out he said a lesser man would have left me in the car. I knew he was worth the painful lonely wait and I've always be thankful that we found each other.

Fast forward 30 years, 2 kids, and a lifetime of joy.... Recently it looked like I might have an aggressive breast cancer. Luckily the biopsies and surgeries came back clean. Because of my high risk I am looking into a preventative mastectomy. My husband was the first one to mention it as an idea worth looking into if it meant I would live a longer healthier life. After many struggles in life I am fully convinced that it is better to be happy and alone than be in a bad relationship. You cannot control when you will meet that special someone. But when and if it does happen I'm sure the love of your life will be happy you treasured yourself and treated yourself well prior to you finding one another.

An added bonus is we had 2 rock star gorgeous girls that garnered a lot of attention as they went thru school. Because of a father's influence on his growing daughters - my daughter's never considered beauty even in the top 10 valuable assets they possesed. Because my daughters were not obsessed with their own beauty they were not impressed by the guys (or gals) who flocked to them because of it. The friends they cultivated appreciated the beauty that my daughters had on the inside. It caused for some very interesting situations while they were growing up. Although one of my daughters has had numerous opportunities to get into the perfoming arts since she was an infant we always held her back because we were more interested in raising a well balanced adult than a child star. Now that she is actively pursuing a career path in the industry I am so thankful she puts a higher priority on who she is inside than what she looks like on the outside.

I know it is a hard road to find the person who loves you more than life itself. But sometimes it appears just when you stop searching for it and keep your eye on your dreams. Good luck to you. Drop me a line when you finally find the love you so richly deserve. I'll be cheering for you. :flowerforyou:

WestCoastPhoenix

:smokin:

ckish

"If you can't handle the challenge of being single, you will never be able to handle the challenge of being married." Stop trying so hard and be who you want to be on your own and chances are, somebody will notice and sweep you off your feet. If they don't it should be their loss, not yours.

So true!

meshashesha2012

actually i disagree. it's all about confidence.
if you dont feel good about yourself as you are then why expect someone else to do so? it's called self-esteem for a reason :flowerforyou:

the other thing to ask yourself is why are you longing after guys who aren't interested in you? maybe it's a good way to make an excuse?

i dunno i've been overweight for awhile and i have never had any problems getting male attention when i wanted it.

meggolego

Did you ever think that the reason you have not found "the one" could be because he is not quite ready himself? Just because your paths have not intersected yet doesn't mean that is because of something you have control of. Maybe he is strugglinng to find himslef or end a relationship. Maybe he is still to overcome by grief after the loss of his wife to be open to a new love. But once you do meet that one whom you will spend the rest of your life with - the waiting will be such a distant memory and you will see why it took so long.
.........
I know it is a hard road to find the person who loves you more than life itself. But sometimes it appears just when you stop searching for it and keep your eye on your dreams. Good luck to you. Drop me a line when you finally find the love you so richly deserve. I'll be cheering for you. :flowerforyou:

Wow. You are wonderful. That makes a lot of sense, we just aren't ready to be "connected", if you will. And I'm glad to hear you're in the clear, best wishes on a healthy life!! Cancer is no joke.

I'm just gonna focus on me, keep doing what I like to do. I'm definitely not trying to change who I am personality wise because I don't want to attract someone that I will have to be fake around. I'll just keep that quote in mind, "It's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along." So logical.

ihateroses

Question for you.

Are you practicing what you are preaching, or are you yourself guilty of saying "he's not my type" to a guy that is interested in you but might not be physically attractive to you right away?

We are all guilty of it, you just have to put yourself out there more (definitely do not take the "hide until he rescues you" option).

Give the guys that aren't who you'd typically see yourself with a chance.

And ask a guy out! You don't have to go the traditional route.

BeautyFromPain

bump

hkry3250

I hear ya..............at the same time, you're ending seems shallow in itself..............like your not going to give someone the time of day, because they didn't when you were overweight. Let's just move along..............

I've been single for over 4 yrs, no dates, no sex, no nothing. It's a far cry from my yester years........but in all honesty.........I'm happier now then I think I've ever been. One way or another, with relationships comes drama, especially if it's not a "serious" relationship., and even more especially if it is a "serious" relationship. And the problem with that is, how many relationships ever start as "serious". It's almost like you have to make it past that stage first............then it's "serious". So what if it never get's "serious"? Then your most likely pissed off and bitter. I assume this because you sound like your not just looking for a hook up.........correct me if I'm wrong. even the ppl just looking for a hook up don't wanna be "left alone" after a week or two, then they feel used, or not good enough, even if they weren't looking for something serious...... psychology can really take over in some studies.............lol. Anyway............So you don't wanna hear all that your friends tell you............maybe you oughta ask yourself............"what do I really want?" From what you stated......you want a boyfriend..............why? Because your friends have one? For sex ? Companionship? Someone to talk to? All of the above?

Figure out what your looking for.............the type of guy...........will any do? If you really just want a guy, I'm pretty sure you could go to a bar or some place of sorts................and get something started................figure out what you want first.

ha i didn't read your post, but just looking at it makes me dizzy. Your spacing is funny.

His spacing isn't that uncommon, but in text speak, it looks like he keeps getting out of breath.

hkry3250

BTW, I'm the same way. I feel like if I'm attracted to a girl, then she's too pretty for me anyway, so I don't even bother.

meggolego

actually i disagree. it's all about confidence.
if you dont feel good about yourself as you are then why expect someone else to do so? it's called self-esteem for a reason :flowerforyou:

the other thing to ask yourself is why are you longing after guys who aren't interested in you? maybe it's a good way to make an excuse?

i dunno i've been overweight for awhile and i have never had any problems getting male attention when i wanted it.

Oh the psychologist in all of us. Perhaps I am going after guys that aren't interested because of the whole self-esteem thing? That makes sense. This whole thread is just opening up my eyes more and more lol. You know, you think you know your self....and then MFP happens! lol

THANKS!

thelovelyLIZ

Honestly, I think a big issue is your perception that YOU need to be skinny to fully love yourself. It's great to want to lose the weight, and it's naturally an important thing to do. But the reality is once you reach your goal weight, you won't magically stay there. Weight loss is a never ending quest, and virtually every "weight loss success" story I've known has gained back some weight at one time or another. You have to love your body at every size. You need to learn to love your body now. To quote RuPaul "How the hell is anyone else supposed to love you if you can't even love yourself?"

And honestly, all those cliche's are true (disappointing I know). Most of the men I've dated I've met right after I said I wasn't interested in dating, my boyfriend of four years included. It's also worth mentioning you need to be in the right place. I met my boyfriend when I was still sort of involved with and hung up on some other guy, and we didn't really get together for another six months. The reality is, I wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship though. I know it's frustrating, but really. just focus on you, enjoy your time single, and before you know it, some guy will come along.

monty619

is it ever possible for the outside to reflect the inside?

JosephVitte

"His spacing isn't that uncommon, but in text speak, it looks like he keeps getting out of breath."

LOl, at least I can get a laugh out of it...................lol...................it's my theatrical pause........................lol