What happened to 'it's what's on the inside...'

meggolego

Question for you.

Are you practicing what you are preaching, or are you yourself guilty of saying "he's not my type" to a guy that is interested in you but might not be physically attractive to you right away?

We are all guilty of it, you just have to put yourself out there more (definitely do not take the "hide until he rescues you" option).

Give the guys that aren't who you'd typically see yourself with a chance.

And ask a guy out! You don't have to go the traditional route.

I like to think I give basically anyone a chance. I say basically because, although as hypocritical as I know this sounds, some people just aren't my type. I totally understand that not everyone is attracted to me, and I don't think everyone should be. I'm not attracted to everyone. I certainly have different looks I think are hot. Lately, I think have really begun to give everyone a chance because you never know how people may surprise you. I've been trying to be more social at public places, starting conversations, etc. I know that I need to (honestly) give everyone an opportunity to woo me in the same way that I want to be given that chance.

nikilis

BTW, I'm the same way. I feel like if I'm attracted to a girl, then she's too pretty for me anyway, so I don't even bother.

take the challenge man. if you let them walk you failed. they could have been the love of your life. for real. And you just let them walk out of there?

life isn't that serious and people will respect you win or fail for giving it a go instead of missing out on what could be good things.

I'd urge anyone to start making the first move. you might meet a good friend, or a douchecanoe or someone special you never know.

extending your hand to the world is important.


so OP. Are you making the first move or going all snow white and waiting for someone to come find you?

if you want something, go get it.

I've been trying to be more social at public places, starting conversations, etc. I know that I need to (honestly) give everyone an opportunity to woo me in the same way that I want to be given that chance.

just saw this. you go girl!

squirmmonster

Unless you're tipping the scales over into "supersize"- as in well over 300 lbs- and I can tell from your picture that you aren't, then you're just using your weight as a scapegoat. I would say you need to look for guys in different places than you have been. If you meet nothing but shallow, egotistical men, one of two things is happening:

You're looking for men in places that nobody with a brain should look for men, like bars, or creepy dating sites.

Your OWN standards might be too high, and you're selecting men who are "out of your league" so to speak. No offense meant there, but you can't expect to weed out men based on the same things you complain they aren't seeing past in you. You can't complain that men shouldn't judge you by whether you look like Barbie, and then go around looking only for Kens. When was the last time you tried dating a guy about your same proportions?

Elf_Princess1210

I met my husband at 270, married him at 265, and was still with him when I hit 295. he loves me no mater what i weigh.

Hellavaloosa

I so know what you mean! I haven't got any words of advice really but it is nice to know others are like me - it could have been me writing this post! Having never been in a relationship at 33 makes me feel like a freak sometimes and I think people think I'm weird - which they probably don't even it is just in my head.

I wonder if it is a confidence thing - I've always been super shy (and overweight!) when it comes to men and pretty much freak out whenever a nice one pays me any attention - the *kitten* I am fine around though! :laugh: I know there are lots of cool guys out there that are shy like us and have the same trouble! As I've lost weight I have begun to realise the importance of falling in love with myself. It isn't just about being skinny it's the whole psychology of taking time to better yourself and getting strong mentally and physically. Strangely enough the more I grow to love myself the less concerned I am with being in a relationship.

Good luck to you - I know it's a cliche that we've both heard a gazillion times but I think it might be one for a reason - you gotta love yourself first. :flowerforyou:

Hellavaloosa

I hear ya..............at the same time, you're ending seems shallow in itself..............like your not going to give someone the time of day, because they didn't when you were overweight. Let's just move along..............

I've been single for over 4 yrs, no dates, no sex, no nothing. It's a far cry from my yester years........but in all honesty.........I'm happier now then I think I've ever been. One way or another, with relationships comes drama, especially if it's not a "serious" relationship., and even more especially if it is a "serious" relationship. And the problem with that is, how many relationships ever start as "serious". It's almost like you have to make it past that stage first............then it's "serious". So what if it never get's "serious"? Then your most likely pissed off and bitter. I assume this because you sound like your not just looking for a hook up.........correct me if I'm wrong. even the ppl just looking for a hook up don't wanna be "left alone" after a week or two, then they feel used, or not good enough, even if they weren't looking for something serious...... psychology can really take over in some studies.............lol. Anyway............So you don't wanna hear all that your friends tell you............maybe you oughta ask yourself............"what do I really want?" From what you stated......you want a boyfriend..............why? Because your friends have one? For sex ? Companionship? Someone to talk to? All of the above?

Figure out what your looking for.............the type of guy...........will any do? If you really just want a guy, I'm pretty sure you could go to a bar or some place of sorts................and get something started................figure out what you want first.

This makes a lot of sense... in a dotty kinda way.

Amo_Angelus

I find myself pretty frustrated in this whole quest for a companion, that I'm not "supposed" to be looking for. I get so tired of hearing "he's out there, you just haven't met him yet." Or, from all my friends in relationships, "man I miss my single days - enjoy them!" And then there's my favorite, "he'll come when you least expect it. Don't search, just let it happen!"

Call me a cynic, but I feel like I am unable to find someone because no one will look past the number on the scale and the tag of my clothes to give me a chance. Sure, focus on yourself and once you're happy, you will find someone. Of course I will, because then I'll have lost more weight and have a rockin' bod. Which, is going to happen, I'm definitely looking forward to that. But you know what, being single is pretty lonely when a great majority of your friends are in relationships. They look forward to girls nights, but that's my every night. I want to have someone think about me when I'm not around. And I want to love someone just as much.

It's hard not to think the reason that no one wants to be with you is because you're overweight. I like to think I have a lot to offer and just meet these guys that I like and think that we would just work out so well together. Then what? Not even a second look from them. Not to mention any rude remarks from people with ugly souls you may hear. These guys that won't give me the time of day now, definitely won't get my time of day in the future.

Are people really that shallow? Am I crazy for thinking that's the issue?

So the only people saying it's your physical appearance are YOU and shallow people with ugly souls you don't care about anyway and still won't care about when you're fit? And somehow that means everyone thinks that way about you? Girl, you need a slap in the face and a reality check. The people who judge you on your physical appearance will always do so. If you're large and they're turned off that is a GOOD thing! I've had my fair share of men attracted to me for entirely the wrong reasons and let me tell you that's left more scars than men not being attracted to me. If all they care about is your looks, they're not worth your time and while you're large you have a sheild against them. The right man will love you WHATEVER your size, shape, physical deformities are! Who are you going to blame when you have a rocking bod and you're still not meeting mr right? God? Get over it, get over yourself. You will meet a man when you have the confidance to grab his attention, not because you change your physical appearance.

Shelbert79

I did find my husband when I wasn't looking. He was a friend of a friend and we became friends. And honestly, had I been looking I would've passed him by. He's not my typical type, he's a 'big' guy, he's a gamer, a 'nerd/geek', etc. But we became friends and I started to see who he was and fell in love with him. He's my best friend and I'm so glad I met him and became friends with him first or I could've passed up a great man just because of his outward 'appearance'.

bufger

Its not that weight is a turn off but with excessive weight on a lady you either get: Low confidence (this is a turnoff) or an 'in yo face' kinda gal which for some is a turnoff.

Confidence and self belief is attractive to everyone. It makes people like you, gets you more friends and more potential partners and size is largely irrelivant.

lauren3101

When I was about 18, I had a great figure, but I was a poser. I used to go out in tiny tops and skirts and wear stonking heels and look pretty much unapproachable. Men would never talk to me.

Now I've got older and started loving the people around me more than myself, I go out and have a good time with my friends, I'm always the one being a tit on the dance floor, I wear nice clothes as opposed to tarty, and I have someone approach me probably every night out. I weigh 120lb more than I did when I was 18.

It's little to do with your size, and a lot to do with your attitude and the way you come across. You sound very unconfident, and that has a lot to do with it You need to learn to love yourself before you can expect someone else to. And to be honest, if you really aren't being approached because of your size, then the guys that aren't doing the approaching aren't worth your time anyway.

Your friends are right; you should stop looking. Concentrate on yourself for now, the right guy will come along when you are both ready.

Koldnomore

Word of warning...YOU GET WHAT YOU ATTRACT (and what you attract is "where you are", ie, if you have low self esteem you will probably attract a "Predator" user, someone who will prey on your weakness or someone who also has low self esteem. Sometimes we don't "get" someone right away because "we" are not in a place (Emotionally, Spiritually, Psychologically, Mentally) that will bring the Best Partner for us. It is good that The Universe kinda looks after us...BUT if you INSIST on SOMEONE, maybe that person will come and you will write on here how utterly miserable you are, blah, blah, blah. I suggest that you take care of YOU and get in a "better place" to attract the Best/Right Partner. Take it from someone with experience in this area of Life...It is better to be alone than coupled with someone you are not meant to be with.

Words of wisdom. Take care of yourself first I didn't meet the love of my life until I was 37 and weighed about 200lbs - after having already been married for almost 10 years.

Your OWN standards might be too high, and you're selecting men who are "out of your league" so to speak. No offense meant there, but you can't expect to weed out men based on the same things you complain they aren't seeing past in you. You can't complain that men shouldn't judge you by whether you look like Barbie, and then go around looking only for Kens. When was the last time you tried dating a guy about your same proportions?

No such thing as TOO HIGH. If you have to lower your standards you will never be happy. People used to tell me this all the time..blah blah..you will never find a guy like THAT who will do that and treat you like that..bulls**. Don't lower your standards, never 'settle'. I wanted someone who I found attractive (my 'attractive' is NOT typical), someone who treats me like a 'goddess', someone capable of supporting themselves (working, paying bills etc)..Took 6 years but I got it. I settled the first time and ended up wasting 10 years of my life with someone who never loved me in the first place, who was only with me because I was supporting him (emotionally & financially for a while too).

There is nothing wrong with being attracted to certain 'types', builds, weights etc.. I'm not going to date someone I find physically repulsive nor would I expect a guy to date me if he didn't find me appealing in some way. You don't have to be a 'super model' because everyone finds different things appealing Some guys like very thin ladies, some guys like bigger ones..just because someone has a physical preference does not mean they are 'shallow', just that they don't happen to be attracted to you.

sho3girl

i read somewhere that beauty attacts but after 5 minutes you're on your own

allifantastical

Preach it sister!! I have the same issue!

Some of my friends say I need to wait till I lose weight and then more guys will like me. I think that is complete garbage. I get that my self-esteem might be better, but I do not want someone to like me just because I got skinny. What happens if I ever gained weight back?

I'm about to swear men off all together. Might be easier that way.

Good luck to you!

wifealiciousness

I think sometimes what's on the outside is a manifestation of what's on the inside!

So when I see someone who is overweight I don't think "they're not attractive" but more "they don't care about themself". So what's on the inside is important- I want to be with (and am with) someone who is happy and healthy. He cares about himself, he looks after himself, and he's happy because of it. I know we can do things together (like go cycling or hiking), we both know that we will try things together and that we have a similar outlook and attitude to how we do things.

This isn't to say that other people feel this way but it's how I feel!!

shelbyfrootcake

Everyone single who doesn't want to be blames something.

kristen6022

You are 23, what are you in such a hurry for? I'm 33 and just met the man of my dreams this year. Hate to be all "doom and gloom" but sometime he takes his good olde freakin' time. Enjoy your early 20's, date, go out with your friends. Relationships will come. Men complicate life, trust me.

And I don't believe that you can't find the right man because of your size, you can't find the right man because you don't know who you are yet. You aren't comfortable with you. How do you expect a man to love you truly if you don't even love you? Take some time to find out who you are and love yourself - that comes out when you meet someone and men are attracted to confidence.

He'll come around - patience is a virtue in lots of aspects of life.

thektturner

When I felt like that I got on a dating website. One of the ones you pay for, since I figured that would weed out people who weren't serious (or just total losers). As a girl, dating websites are much easier. And from your profile pic, you seem very pretty. I weigh about what you do and I don't think it has ever held me back as far as dating. Unless you're looking for a total tool. Good guys don't care. I got a ton of messages when I was on the dating website. I was selective, but open. I went on dates with 4 guys in less than 3 weeks. And I am still with one of those guys 10.5 months later. And he's amazing.

I was previously married for about 7 years and it just didn't work out. I truly was unhappy and I hated life, day-to-day. This guy is so much better. And I'm SO glad I risked it an put myself out there.

Don't wait for it to come to you! If you're unhappy, go find him. Just go out with a bunch of guys and you'll find out what you like or don't. And if you already know what you want, so much the better!

Good luck!

AngryDiet

If what's inside is bigger than what's outside, then you run the risk of turning inside out or exploding or something.

harvo

I am going to be honest...after viewing your pics it is probably the whole "Ohio State" thing. Anyway, the truth is you look like a cute girl and that is pretty much all I know but I am of the opinion that now that girls are cool with the friends with benefits thing guys are less likely to commit because they can get all they want from different girls. I know you feel its odd to be single at 23 but with over 50% divorce rate keep your standards instead of settling and you will have a full and enjoyable life.

allifantastical

I am going to be honest...after viewing your pics it is probably the whole "Ohio State" thing.

I didn't notice this before and if you are from Ohio, like me....I really think our problem is geographical. Most guys in Ohio are not the sharpest tools in the shed.

Ivy_leaves

Personality, attitude, and interests are everything! It really is true. Of course initial physical attraction helps, but to really enchant someone you need to be interesting, strong, and lovable!
Me and my boyfriend are a great example. Our looks are nowhere near on the basic scale that most people would go by.
I've had plenty of boyfriends who were "much better looking" than me and plenty more who were "nowhere near my level of attractiveness". Looks don't always win out, and relationships built on loving each other's insides (if you will haha) will always be much better.

mizzie1980

My husband married me at my fattest (about 220, see the pic). He loved me then and he loves me now. He supports my weight loss; because it's something I want, he knows I feel better both physically and emotionally, and he knows that with my family history having the extra weight will be very bad for my health later on. So, he's proud of me and supports me. But, if I had stayed fat, or gained back, he'd love me just as much.

StartingAnewDay

I didn't read everything and so I hope I'm not repeating and not offending. I know exactly how you feel but trust me, Thats not the way to go, If you have the mindset that guys aren't talking to you because of your size, when you lose and get that "hot bod" you will still be miserable because you question wether he loves you or just your body.

I've learned this, When your overweight, a lot of the time you become self concious, Learn to love you for you, because THAT is what attracts men and/or women. If you FEEL ugly dumpy and frumpy, it will show on your face, it will come out in your atitude and it will be reflected in how you dress, if you dress sexy but feel unsure about that sexy it SHOWS!!

I see plenty of big men, big women, really short men/women and they will have DROVES of the opposite sex chasing and hanging around them. the reason is they are comfortable, and confident. Learn to be that, learn to own that,

Are you ready to be loved as much you want love?? I wish you the best, have an awesome day!!

Goddessmaker1

Confidence is key but honestly you shouldn't have much to worry about. I want to say something but I would get banned from this site. However as you continue to lose weight and release certain things inside you will be seen as somone that is attractive. Make sure you know what you want so when it comes you recognize it.

harvo

I didn't read everything and so I hope I'm not repeating and not offending. I know exactly how you feel but trust me, Thats not the way to go, If you have the mindset that guys aren't talking to you because of your size, when you lose and get that "hot bod" you will still be miserable because you question wether he loves you or just your body.

I've learned this, When your overweight, a lot of the time you become self concious, Learn to love you for you, because THAT is what attracts men and/or women. If you FEEL ugly dumpy and frumpy, it will show on your face, it will come out in your atitude and it will be reflected in how you dress, if you dress sexy but feel unsure about that sexy it SHOWS!!

I see plenty of big men, big women, really short men/women and they will have DROVES of the opposite sex chasing and hanging around them. the reason is they are comfortable, and confident. Learn to be that, learn to own that,

Are you ready to be loved as much you want love?? I wish you the best, have an awesome day!!

BOOM...I cannot agree with you more on this...sexy is an attitude...I married a woman that was a size 16 when we met and was up to a size 26 and her size was not the issue with us it was she turned evil and mean and verbally abused me on a regular basis to the point her kids asked me, after I had left, why I stayed so long. Since that divorce I have dated anything from a 20 soccer player, size 2 to a 40 something mom that was a size 18. All because of who they were not because of size.

alvalaurie

Here's my $.02 - for what its worth! At your age (well, a couple yrs older, 28) I had the same exact feelings. EVERYbody my age was either married or dating. EVERYbody seemed happy. I was always the 5th wheel. I was LONELY! To add insult to injury, I was a single mother of 2 babies under the age of 2! Where was MY knight in shining armour? At the ripe age of 30, I married a youngster (he was 25) & thought I'd found him! What I realized after 8 years of the most miserable marriage ever, was I SETTLED for the first man who was remotely interested in me because I feared being alone, I was lonely & didn't want my kids to grow up w/o a father figure in their lives. After much counseling, many heartaches and an extremely bitter divorce, I realized that I had to figure out what I really wanted. I made up my mind not to settle for second best b/c I was worth better than that! I also decided I wouldn't put another step-father in my kids lives & was going to wait till after they were grown & out on their own before I "looked" for someoneto spend my life with.

I made it 5 years and finally had become happy with my own life; I reclaimed my own identity and was enjoying life on my own. A very good friend of mine decided to set me up with his cousin on sort of a blind date. I was extremely reluctant but decided to go. We talked several times first & I checked out his photo on facebook. First date went fine. Very much a gentleman, opened the door for me, a simple hug to end the date and a follow up call the next day. Second date was a little shaky, but only b/c I wasn't really feeling it; it still went ok. Again, perfect gentleman. Third date we went on a rode trip that required us spending the night. Again the perfect gentleman got us 2 beds. Still I wasn't feeling it so I made up my mind there wouldn't be a 4th date. My daughter (17 by this time) talked to me & said, give him a chance Mom. How many men have treated you this good & been this respectful? She said maybe I needed to re-think about WHAT it was I was truly looking for; a perfect young hard body, or a gentleman who treated me like I deserved to be? At her advice (smart young lady!) I gave him another chance and needless to say, we've now been together over a year and it was the best decision I ever made. I could not ask to be treated any better.

I know this is long, but I want you to know that it WILL happen for you but you must remain positive and keep your confidence. Guys LOVE a woman that's confident! Stop trying so hard & become happy with who you are & where your life is. Enjoy the moments & when you do that, he will appear. Keep an open mind too b/c my knight in shining armour did NOT come in the package I was accustomed to looking for but he is definately a keeper! Keep your chin up; you're a beautiful young lady & have plenty going for you!

MsNewBooty83

Perhaps you are having issues because you expect guys to reject you based on size, and are putting that vibe out there? I have been attractive to LOTS of guys at 230lbs, because I assume I will be and am confident in myself. You get what you expect, expect that because you are an attractive person (cute as a button in your pic!) other people will think so too

ya, totally agree with this. confidence is like 90% of the game.

_SABOTEUR_

I know it sounds bad but I think this quote sums it up:

'It's what's on the inside that counts, but it's easier to find the inside if the person has less on the outside.'

p.s. I don't think you have to worry. From your picture you have a beautiful face. You just need the confidence to go with it.

MissAnjy

I think it's just hard to find someone, in general! I don't think it's the fact that someone is overweight that is the issue. At least in my area, it seems like it's slim pickings! I've been single for well over a year now and I haven't been on a single date. I'm not overweight at all and I don't think i'm ugly? lol

I think it's just hard, no matter what your situation is.

ladytinkerbell99

bump