Biggest, surprising non-supporter you've run into....

bcf7683

Mine is my boyfriend's mother. We've been dating for 6 years and for 5 of them I was pudgy. This past January I decided to kick my butt in gear and change my lifestyle. I now watch what I eat very carefully, hit the gym at 4:45am everyday for heavy lifting and I'm down 28 pounds. At first, she didn't really say much, until there were a couple months where she hadn't seen me when I lost the majority of the weight- then the comments started. [A bit of background- she is a larger woman herself, she yo-yo's back and forth with Weight Watchers every year when she goes to the beach for vacation, but doesn't know anything in the slightest about living a healthy lifestyle.]

We go to her house for dinner (granted it's her house, but she knows when I'm coming) and she ALWAYS makes the most unhealthy things when we come. It'll either be super greasy hamburgers, or order-in pizza, or pasta with tons and tons of cream sauce and buttery garlic bread... things like that. The ridiculous part is that my boyfriend has even commented that she never used to cook things like that when he lived there. But she still to this day she gets SO offended when I comment that I don't want the garlic bread or macaroni and cheese or whatever on the side. She says "Oh, COME ON, it won't hurt this one time... You're too skinny now anyways." And then after dinner, there's ALWAYS dessert. A huge banana cream pie or a chocolate cake, always something. And then after the dessert, there's always chocolate or brownies or rice crispy treats being passed around. And she takes it SO personal when I turn it all down. At first, I would have a very small piece, or a bite of my boyfriends. But now, we're there almost every Sunday for dinner, so it WILL add up eventually. And now my boyfriend and I are getting in fights constantly because I keep saying that she's doing it on purpose and he refuses to believe it- it's to the point that I don't even want to go there for dinner at all just to avoid what I know she's going to do.

I guess it's just alarming to me that someone I've known for 6 years can be so unsupportive to the point that she seems like she's trying everything she can just to sabotage me. And the fact that no one else sees the jealousy/despise but me.

So I guess I'm wondering if anyone else out there has run into a "road-blocker" that they never expected....

Anaconda62

I love to cook, so when I entertain people who have dietary restrictions or just don't like eating something in particular, I love the challenge of trying to make something as yummy as possible to fit into their lifestyle. I cook what I like for me, but I think it's incredibly rude to try to force people to eat things they don't want. It does sound to me like she is going out of her way to make the unhealthiest things possible. And there is no excuse, if she's been on WW she knows what's supposed to be good, healthy food.

And, yes, I have some very good friends that are terrible about trying to get me to eat things I don't want to eat. It's getting to the point that I just want to avoid any situations that involve food when I'm with them.

nomorepud

I so understand this one, the only time my mother in law gave me more than my husband (usually got less than him) was when she knew I was on a diet!

kenazfehu

How difficult! I really can't think of anything you could do other than 1) talk to her about your eating habits and how good you feel, or 2) decline the dinners. I'd probably go for #2. In fact, I did. My MIL used to invite us over for holidays, and there was always a lot of drinking and drama. Finally I decided that I would rather celebrate holidays at home and cook a special dinner for my own family (husband and children). Turns out my husband preferred to do that, too.

EnchantedEvening

My mother was on me about my weight from childhood on up, even when I wasn't more than ten pounds overweight. I had horrible body image issues during high school, even though I looked just fine. She was always on my case to do some sit-ups or skip snacks.

When I lost the first 25 pounds, I posted about it on Facebook, and everyone congratulated me. She said, "If I were you, I wouldn't say anything. I'd wait for people to notice, or I'd post when I lost fifty pounds, something big like that." I was really hurt because I thought she'd be happy. I said, "25 pounds IS a big deal!" She responded, "Oh, I'm proud of you... I just think you should wait until it's a BIG number that will impress people." I told her I wasn't doing it for anyone else and changed the subject.

It still stings on occasion, mostly because I know that no matter how much I lose, she'll probably always want me to be thinner. When I told her I'm not going to take anymore insults about my weight once I look like I did in high school, she said, "Yeah, you looked adorable back then. That would be a good weight." I wanted to slam my head into the nearest table. She honestly doesn't remember nagging me about my weight every day.

Amberonamission

That stinks. I am the cook in the family, so when people want to eat they come here. Or did before. These holidays should be interesting (I am not making anything unhealthy).

The strangeness I have run into is really over weight family members telling me how to lose. Or what is or isn't good for me.

wheresheidi

Next time you go bring a big salad with several different types of dressing (make sure one is low cal) (BTW Wishbone makes a Parmsean Ranch that is awesome.) Just tell her you wanted to contribute to dinner since youv'e been coming over so much. Win/Win

rhinesb

Next time you go bring a big salad with several different types of dressing (make sure one is low cal) (BTW Wishbone makes a Parmsean Ranch that is awesome.) Just tell her you wanted to contribute to dinner since youv'e been coming over so much. Win/Win

This was my thought. Make something like a healthy dessert and then leave it there when it is time to go. Or a healthy side dish so that you can fill the majority of your plate with the healthy dish and then to placate her a bit of the rest. And you can always say...oh boy am I full. That was a wonderful dinner!

deb3129

My mother! I think she means well, but it's still a fail. She tells me I look great, then offers me a cookie. And despite the fact that I have told her repeatedly exactly what I eat, she still is convinced she should feed me meat! Super frustrating!!!!

bcf7683

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bcf7683

Well it's nice to see that I'm not the only one out there dealing with the wonderful "in-laws". Even though she's not even an in-law (yet?) :ohwell:

Liking the suggestions. I usually cook myself a dinner before we go, eat that, then eat a tiny bit there, usually a big bowl of salad and very small portion of the main dish.

I like the ideas of taking a healthy side to share- especially since everyone but her loves most things I cook :devil: But I'm sure she'll see my bringing a dish as impeding on "her" dinner. So I'm thinking it's a lose-lose situation. But at least I'd have something to fill my plate with, even if I had to make it myself!

kenazfehu

Are you under some obligation to go there? I agree with your assessment that she is doing this on purpose to fatten you up. Misery loves company, they say.

ILoveTheBrowns

my ex gf....we were together 4 years....3 of which i was fat then i lost weight and it was never the same,,,,,shes not overweight at all but she always seemed to resent me since i got fit and never understood why.

kathim429

My sister is probably the biggest non-supporter I have. She never has anything to say, good or bad really. I have lost 32 lbs and several clothing sizes. I know she notices a difference. But nothing. Not a word. She will roll her eyes or walk away if someone asks me about what I am doing or working out. It definitely offends me.

bcf7683

Are you under some obligation to go there? I agree with your assessment that she is doing this on purpose to fatten you up. Misery loves company, they say.

Well, my boyfriend and I are practically married. So, somewhat obligated, although recently I've been speaking up- I skipped this past Sunday, it was "wing" day in honor of football Sunday. Sorry, no thanks lady.

But I have thought up a diabolical plan.... She's always saying how bad she feels for her son because all I eat is "tofu and garbage like that" (which, by the way, I am not a fan of tofu- shows how much she knows. And apparently salmon, shrimp, turkey, lean beef, and vegetables now qualify as garbage) and don't cook for him (I cook for him all the time...) So maybe I should have her over for a nice tofu-zucchini lasagna this coming Sunday?.... :devil:

bcf7683

my ex gf....we were together 4 years....3 of which i was fat then i lost weight and it was never the same,,,,,shes not overweight at all but she always seemed to resent me since i got fit and never understood why.

Did you ever ask her to come with you to the gym?...I've asked the BF a million times. And I've gotten a million no's.

schivis

At first it was my husband. But things changed after I made a HUGE annoucement. I told him that I felt as though I was pretty unhealthy and wanted to make a change to become healthier. He cooks most of our meals but I told him effective...I would eat a certain way and that he didn't need to plan for my meals. When he saw what I was doing, he started making dinners that worked for me. He lost 50 lbs while I struggled to lose 25 . Every now and then he complains that making healthy meals all the time is difficult but all in all he has become my number one supporter. Good luck to you.

xoTalim

My mother is like that, kind of. She doesn't make super unhealthy food anymore. Both my brother and I are dieting so she's kind of changed what she's been making to fit our restrictions.

However before I started dieting, or while I was trying to diet before I got into MFP, my mother(who has been overweight since as long as I can remember), would constantly come up to me and tell me that we needed to seriously diet and lose weight together. I was more than okay with this. It's easier to lose weight when you've got someone to do it with you to support you and keep you motivated and honest with your diet.

But the next day after having that conversation with me, she'd come home from the store with junk food. Chips, danishes, cinnamon buns, chocolate. So much unhealthy stuff. So I'd look at her and ask her why she got all this if we're going to diet together, and she says "it's not for you. It's for me."

Let me get this straight, mom. You want to diet with me, but you want to eat all this while doing it? No. It doesn't work that way. My mom works all the time so she never even has time to exercise. She doesn't really come up to me anymore saying we should diet because I've been dieting and she knows I've been losing weight. I don't think she's ever gunna actually diet herself. She says she will but she just works too often and eats super unhealthy food.

I just hope my losing weight can motivate her(and some of my other family, like cousins, aunts, and uncles) to lose weight. Most of my family on my mother's side is overweight.


But yeah, my advice here is, talk to her about it and what's bothering you. If she continues to make food like this, go over for dinner but just eat much less than usual, and turn down dessert. If she tries to get you to eat more and more, just avoid going over. If she's not going to support your weight loss, then don't even bother. I avoid going to family dinners sometimes when they tell me what they're making and it's unhealthy food that I'd rather not eat.

Good luck. (:

vtmoon

Why get on fights over something she is doing? I would go and just enjoy the food in small portions that way she has no ground to stand on. Unless you guys go visit there more than 3 times a month. But still just cause she cooked 20 burgers for 4 people doesn't mean you have to eat 5.

I don't know of any non-supporters cause I don't really need the support since I do this alone, I'm very firm on my NO I don't want that or NO I don't eat that. And when I'm visiting some where in a social capacity I just make sure I have my day planed so I can in take a lot of calories.

Hellbent_Heidi

Hope things improve with your BF's mother....that's strange and unfortunate. My mother-in-law was a really awesome lady, and couldn't stop complimenting me as I was losing weight.

One of my best friends was my big surprise though. She was kind of negative about it, and kept warning' me not to get too "OBSESSED" with working out and eating healthy. I expected better...but I guess on some level it just reflected her own inability to get motivated and make the changes she says she wants to make. She just hasn't made the committment to stop baking brownies "for the kids" every week and making excuses why she can't exercise quite yet!

All in due time though....hopefully get to the point where she wants it bad enough to just do it,

bcf7683

Why get on fights over something she is doing? I would go and just enjoy the food in small portions that way she has no ground to stand on. Unless you guys go visit there more than 3 times a month. But still just cause she cooked 20 burgers for 4 people doesn't mean you have to eat 5.

I don't know of any non-supporters cause I don't really need the support since I do this alone, I'm very firm on my NO I don't want that or NO I don't eat that. And when I'm visiting some where in a social capacity I just make sure I have my day planed so I can in take a lot of calories.

I'm not asking for her support, so I suppose I used "non-supporter" loosely. I've done this myself and surpassed my goals without any support. I guess it's more shocking that she is acting this way. And yes, it's starting to be a steady almost every-Sunday ordeal lately. And I say no, and I mean no. It's just becoming an annoyance in my relationship because he gets frustrated at the situation because he wants us to get along, which I understand. But I shouldn't have to gorge myself on disgusting food to get along with her. She's always done things like this to stir up feuds within her own family, but I guess it's just hitting home now because she's involving me. It's more of a frustration/annoyance than not getting support.

bcf7683

Hope things improve with your BF's mother....that's strange and unfortunate. My mother-in-law was a really awesome lady, and couldn't stop complimenting me as I was losing weight.

One of my best friends was my big surprise though. She was kind of negative about it, and kept warning' me not to get too "OBSESSED" with working out and eating healthy. I expected better...but I guess on some level it just reflected her own inability to get motivated and make the changes she says she wants to make. She just hasn't made the committment to stop baking brownies "for the kids" every week and making excuses why she can't exercise quite yet!

All in due time though....hopefully get to the point where she wants it bad enough to just do it,

Yes, I've actually lost 2 friends because of the same reason. Strange thing is, I'm now the same size as them, they just couldn't seem to handle that their "chubby" friend now was their size and had more muscle definition. They started out going to the gym with me each day, but both ended up quitting. Seems as though they are just angry with themselves for not being able to keep up with it and they don't like being reminded of it when they see me.

bcf7683

At first it was my husband. But things changed after I made a HUGE annoucement. I told him that I felt as though I was pretty unhealthy and wanted to make a change to become healthier. He cooks most of our meals but I told him effective...I would eat a certain way and that he didn't need to plan for my meals. When he saw what I was doing, he started making dinners that worked for me. He lost 50 lbs while I struggled to lose 25 . Every now and then he complains that making healthy meals all the time is difficult but all in all he has become my number one supporter. Good luck to you.

I wish my guy would get on the band wagon like yours did. He still eats whatever he wants... He'll eat my dinners sometimes, but he'll always add in his own food to make it more of a "man meal" as he says... :huh:

kenazfehu

Tofu zucchini lasagna is the best revenge EVER. hahahahahaha
I'd have to tell you it didn't fit into my plan. Tofu/soy makes me stupid.

Alohathin

I'm very fortunate in this regard. I have three brothers who have all lost more weight than I have, my best friend is a personal trainer and nurse, and my mother asks me how much I've lost every time we speak on the phone. All my other friends are stoked for me as well.

Sorry that you have to go through that. However, instead of accusing your boyfriend's mother of doing it on purpose, I would have just asked him in a non confrontational way to speak to her about it. Of course dudes are going to 'protect'their moms.

EnchantedEvening

Instead of the tofu-zucchini idea, maybe you could invite her over for dinner and make one of your regular meals? Then she can see he's eating a plate full of meat, veggies, complex carbs, and other healthy, delicious things instead of one little rice cake. You could even make a (healthy) dessert. She'll probably still "pity" him, but at least she can't lie about you eating nothing but tofu.

PRMinx

I don't have this issue, but I have a lot of family drama. I've learned that the only way to deal with it effectively is to smile and nod. Take a little of the food like you have been doing and if she asks if you want more just say "No, I"m working with what I have on my plate now," with a smile on your face. And then immediately strike up a conversation with the person next to you. If football is on that's even better - you can focus on the game. Eventually, she'll get tired of pushing you.

Don't talk about your diet, don't talk about your weight loss, don't make faces and don't complain. If you don't make it a big deal, she can't. Kill 'em with kindness.

vtmoon

Why get on fights over something she is doing? I would go and just enjoy the food in small portions that way she has no ground to stand on. Unless you guys go visit there more than 3 times a month. But still just cause she cooked 20 burgers for 4 people doesn't mean you have to eat 5.

I don't know of any non-supporters cause I don't really need the support since I do this alone, I'm very firm on my NO I don't want that or NO I don't eat that. And when I'm visiting some where in a social capacity I just make sure I have my day planed so I can in take a lot of calories.

I'm not asking for her support, so I suppose I used "non-supporter" loosely. I've done this myself and surpassed my goals without any support. I guess it's more shocking that she is acting this way. And yes, it's starting to be a steady almost every-Sunday ordeal lately. And I say no, and I mean no. It's just becoming an annoyance in my relationship because he gets frustrated at the situation because he wants us to get along, which I understand. But I shouldn't have to gorge myself on disgusting food to get along with her. She's always done things like this to stir up feuds within her own family, but I guess it's just hitting home now because she's involving me. It's more of a frustration/annoyance than not getting support.

ah that suck, some people seem to feed on drama otherwise they don't feel right. Sorry for your situation

bcf7683

I don't have this issue, but I have a lot of family drama. I've learned that the only way to deal with it effectively is to smile and nod. Take a little of the food like you have been doing and if she asks if you want more just say "No, I"m working with what I have on my plate now," with a smile on your face. And then immediately strike up a conversation with the person next to you. If football is on that's even better - you can focus on the game. Eventually, she'll get tired of pushing you.

Don't talk about your diet, don't talk about your weight loss, don't make faces and don't complain. If you don't make it a big deal, she can't. Kill 'em with kindness.

^^That's the program I've been on so far- I never let her know that it bugs the *kitten* out of me. Her husband always tells her to stop- that's when I'd like to laugh. But I keep it to myself :happy:

julieh391

I could have written your post. Only my MIL hasn't said a WORD about my losing almost 50lbs. She sends my kids home from her house with bags of candy (Yes. Each of them gets a full bag of candy like you would buy for trick or treaters almost weekly-we throw it out.) And she cooks the most revolting mayonaise slathered crap I've ever seen. Followed by mountains of dessert of course. Thankfully I work 2nd shift, so I'm able to avoid a lot of get togethers. But I'm always throwing away leftovers when I get home.

PRMinx

I don't have this issue, but I have a lot of family drama. I've learned that the only way to deal with it effectively is to smile and nod. Take a little of the food like you have been doing and if she asks if you want more just say "No, I"m working with what I have on my plate now," with a smile on your face. And then immediately strike up a conversation with the person next to you. If football is on that's even better - you can focus on the game. Eventually, she'll get tired of pushing you.

Don't talk about your diet, don't talk about your weight loss, don't make faces and don't complain. If you don't make it a big deal, she can't. Kill 'em with kindness.

^^That's the program I've been on so far- I never let her know that it bugs the *kitten* out of me. Her husband always tells her to stop- that's when I'd like to laugh. But I keep it to myself :happy:

Then you really are doing everything right. Honestly, I would just let it go with your boyfriend, too. I know it's frustrating and you probably want to vent, but vent to a friend. It's better to pick your battles and, in the grand scheme of life, Sunday dinner is not worth it. If you get married and have children there will be far more worthy battles to fight.