Cell phones & visitation

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  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    The thing is, this isn't a cell phone issue. This is a bad father issue and there's only so much you can do about that.

    I can't imagine punishing a child for calling her mother. That's insanity.

    My boyfriend's daughter lives four states away, so she doesn't get to visit here more than once or twice a year. When she's here, she's free to call her mother any time she wants. She used his phone when she didn't have one of her own and now she has her own, she uses that one. Neither of us would dream of doing it differently.
  • laserturkey
    laserturkey Posts: 1,680 Member
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    I have been through this same sort of nonsense with my very controlling ex-husband. The laws in the state governing your divorce and parenting agreement may address some of these issues, so I strongly suggest you read up on the specifics in your case.

    In my case, I went five days without hearing back from my children while they were on visitation because my ex had confiscated the phone, so I called the local police and had them check in on them to make sure everyone was alright. Never had that particular problem again. :-)
  • sizzle92
    sizzle92 Posts: 1,015 Member
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    OMG I feel you! My ex uses our child as a pawn all the time. He says "his time is his time" and I can speak to him when he says. Things have gotten so bad on so many levels, my husband and I just spent $600 for our attorney to write a letter threatening litigation if he doesn't stop his crap.

    I'm sorry. :(
  • TraciStivers
    TraciStivers Posts: 116 Member
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    The one thing I would suggest you definitely not do is have your child take her phone against her dad's wishes and have her hide it from him. That leads to teaching her it is okay to lie and to be sneaky and to have disrespect for her father and you are condoning it. I went through that when my children's father would do things for them and have them keep secrets from me and in some cases outright lie to me. Now as adults, they have no respect for me because he taught them they did not have to.

    Agreed. It has always been my position that when it is her dad's visitation time and she wants to come home (this happened a lot when she was very young) that I am happy to come get her at any point, day or night, but she must discuss it with her dad because he loves her and wants to visit with her too. That is what I always say. I also tell her that when she doesn't want to go for her visits that she is welcome to stay home, but she must discuss it with her dad on her own. Mommy will not do it for her, she needs to talk to her dad and explain why she wants to stay home . As of yet, she has never stayed home. I have heard her on the phone numerous times trying to tell him, but he always manages to convince her. I try to stay out of those situations as best I can because I want my daughter to be responsible for and stand up for herself.
  • TraciStivers
    TraciStivers Posts: 116 Member
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    The thing is, this isn't a cell phone issue. This is a bad father issue and there's only so much you can do about that.

    I can't imagine punishing a child for calling her mother. That's insanity.

    My boyfriend's daughter lives four states away, so she doesn't get to visit here more than once or twice a year. When she's here, she's free to call her mother any time she wants. She used his phone when she didn't have one of her own and now she has her own, she uses that one. Neither of us would dream of doing it differently.

    If only everyone thought like you. All of the family photos that were taken when we were together, those still hang on the walls in my daughter's room. He is her father and whether I like it or not, he always will be. I don't know why more people don't understand that. I hear my sister in law bash her ex in front of the kids all the time and it goes right through me.

    You are correct about it being a bad father issue, my attorney says "you can't polish a turd."
  • notenoughspeed
    notenoughspeed Posts: 290 Member
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    If he is not abiding to the agreement, and you have the cash to pony up for the lawyer, get back in the court room. Nuf said. No judgement here. I haven't been divorced (unmarried myself), and my child is no longer with me (RIP), but I wouldn't put up with it.
  • TraciStivers
    TraciStivers Posts: 116 Member
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    Put her phone on vibrate and put it in her overnight bag and only take it out to call you.....I would seriously be pissed if my kids couldn't get a hold of me or I couldn't get a hold of them.

    **My daughter is afraid of her dad and would never go for that. Besides, I'd be worried about getting her in trouble myself.

    Thank you for your understanding, it seems that none of the other replies have ever been divorced since they are more than happy to be snarky and pass judgement.



    I just noticed this - if your daughter is actually afraid of her dad, why does he even GET visitation? You sound like you're kinda afraid of him, too.

    There's a reason we're divorced. He has a "type A" personality. He is furious and flies off the handle one moment and the next he's a lamb. He got physical with me on several occassions but because of his job, I would never call the police on him. He never punched me or anything, he'd push me, grab ahold of my arm, that kind of thing. And honestly I gave it right back to him.

    If I thought for a second that he hurt my child this would be a whole different ball game. He does do his fair share of screaming and yelling and yes, my daughter is afraid of him. It doesn't help that she and I are super close and at his house she is pretty much on her own. She is an only child here and one of six at Dad's house.

    So he gets visitation because he's never been arrested or had any brushes with the law.
  • MommaKit79
    MommaKit79 Posts: 852
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    The thing is, this isn't a cell phone issue. This is a bad father issue and there's only so much you can do about that.

    I can't imagine punishing a child for calling her mother. That's insanity.

    My boyfriend's daughter lives four states away, so she doesn't get to visit here more than once or twice a year. When she's here, she's free to call her mother any time she wants. She used his phone when she didn't have one of her own and now she has her own, she uses that one. Neither of us would dream of doing it differently.

    If only everyone thought like you. All of the family photos that were taken when we were together, those still hang on the walls in my daughter's room. He is her father and whether I like it or not, he always will be. I don't know why more people don't understand that. I hear my sister in law bash her ex in front of the kids all the time and it goes right through me.

    You are correct about it being a bad father issue, my attorney says "you can't polish a turd."

    My husband's ex has also done this...talked bad about both of us in front of their daughter. She even told her that I was the reason that they werent together (mind you this was when she was like 4) and they I took daddy away from her. She makes it like we arent or shouldnt even be in the picture. Believe it or not, i think my husband is afraid of his EX in some instances...he is afraid if he does anythign she doesnt like that she will try her hardest to take his daughter away when, in all actuality, he is a wonderful father. Yes, he yells but, not that much and doesnt really get super loud very much.

    Since she talks to him, maybe she could discuss it with him like she does when she wants to come home or not come over?

    Dealing with an Ex is NOT an easy thing! GOOD LUCK!!! I PRAY for you! :(
  • maillemaker
    maillemaker Posts: 1,253 Member
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    I have to STRONGLY disagree with this comment. As a woman from a broken home this is my view point. When I was at either one of my parents place during court ordered visitation and I wanted to leave for one reason or another be it I had a spat with one of my parents or I just wanted to spend more time with one or the other, if i was told no kiddo I think you need to stay with mom/dad that cause me to go into a depression and hide in my room being anti social for the rest of my court order visit. After they noticed my depression they followed the guidelines of the court order with the exception that if I felt i needed and extra day or two more or less that was ok. Why force a child to be in the company of someone they are uncomfortable with at that point and time. Be it parents or not. There was obviously a reason she didnt want to be there!

    You can disagree all you want, but as a child, you don't get to modify the custody agreement approved by the court just because you don't want to go visit that particular parent that particular time.

    If a child is with the court-approved parent for the court-approved visitation, then that's that. The child doesn't get to call up the other parent and cancel the other parent's visitation prematurely because they aren't having a good time.
  • sizzle92
    sizzle92 Posts: 1,015 Member
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    If he is not abiding to the agreement, and you have the cash to pony up for the lawyer, get back in the court room. Nuf said. No judgement here. I haven't been divorced (unmarried myself), and my child is no longer with me (RIP), but I wouldn't put up with it.

    I am so sorry.

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