How do I deal with enablers?
kaseysospacey
Posts: 499 Member
I recently was watching a show about someone very obese losing weight and in one part they were talking about enablers and how they help people to become obese. I've realized that part of my personal problem in being successful is that there are two enablers in my life who bring junk around or will make me really bad food or tell me "oh, its okay just order pizza" etc. knowing that I'm trying to lose weight and it gets to the point where its pretty much pushing me to very much overeat. My SO will literally go and make me food that he knows I shouldn't eat in huge portion and then put a movie on and minimizes the caloric load and will tell me that I've been eating really well when I haven't been, etc.
I'm addicted to food and the only way I can really stay on track is to only have healthy food around but junk food magically appears everywhere in the house. It's hard to avoid binge eating when specific trigger foods appear in your house.
I know that much of this will make no sense to people who have normal relationships with food. I have binge eating disorder, I'm addicted to food. I know this. So telling me to just eat salad isn't going to help. I need some tips on how to talk to them about it without coming off as confrontational. I have a really hard time with confrontation and I'll usually just wimp out.
I'm addicted to food and the only way I can really stay on track is to only have healthy food around but junk food magically appears everywhere in the house. It's hard to avoid binge eating when specific trigger foods appear in your house.
I know that much of this will make no sense to people who have normal relationships with food. I have binge eating disorder, I'm addicted to food. I know this. So telling me to just eat salad isn't going to help. I need some tips on how to talk to them about it without coming off as confrontational. I have a really hard time with confrontation and I'll usually just wimp out.
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Replies
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punch them in the face or junk depending on your relative altitude to their face or junk.
seriously....
or even more seriously, you may cringe at the thought of confrontation, but you have to realize that you are fightiing for your very life. So which is worse to you, that you continue down your path and to who knows how many health complications, or that you tell someone to stop helping you hurt yourself?
You might not be there yet, the point when the change becomes your goal, but eventually you will and then all your excuses will fall away and you'll be able to stand up for you and do what needs to be done.0 -
If you really want to get the point across scrape the plate into the garbage in front of them. Firmly tell them that you don't appreciate them sabotaging you and to either support you or leave.
They may leave, so be prepared for that if you do this.0 -
You probably don't want to hear this, but the fact is you might need to get a little bit confrontational here. You don't have to be mean, you don't have to raise your voice, but you might need to be very direct with a few people. They probably mean well and love you very much, and are used to expressing it in particular ways, ie making and bringing you food, which in the past, I have to assume has made you happy/feel loved. You might need to explain to them that you know they mean well, but in order to help you (if they really want to help you in this), some of their behavior will have to change. Be specific. Like, tell your SO that instead of bringing you food, he can rub your feet to show you he loves you.
Now, change is never easy, and it won't be for them, either. They are used to thinking and behaving in certain ways. You'll probably have to have some patience with them. Keep talking about what you need from them, but understand that they mean well and change is hard, when they don't do what you would wish. Good luck!0 -
Unfortunately the only way to get your point across to them is to talk to them, you don't have to be mean about it either, tell them that while you appreciate them thinking about you when it comes to dinner etc. that you are really trying to watch what you eat and you know you can't control yourself when it comes to them offering you food. Ask them that they please help you out because this means a lot to you and it would help you if you had their support through it.
If this doesn't work, then you have to be firm about it, this is your health and your life and you have to take control, I understand though, it is ****ing Hard. My mother does it to me all the time. She CONSTANTLY buys snacky sweet foods that she knows I love and keeps bringing it around. Finally I just said "Mom, I know you don't have to watch your weight, but I am trying to really hard, please don't offer me snacks anymore." she still does but I just say "No" a flat out "No' if she tries to say "but its only this much" I say "No". One word and it is working for me so far. She stopped bringing it around.
No, I do not have a normal relationship with food, I am a comfort eater, it is my go to thing when I am depressed or sad. I am trying to redefine my relationship with food and it is HARD. Really ****ing Hard, but I am doing it and I know you can too
If your SO offers you something you know you can't eat and tries to justify it, just keep saying no and if that doesn't work, get up and leave. It will suck but you have to take control.0 -
I've been there. My ex was a good 100 lbs more than me and he didn't want to lose weight so he would sabotage my efforts. It was also hard if he was eating 4 cupcakes then I would convince myself surely I could have 1 and be OK. I felt small compared to him so I would also sabotage myself. He would take food and put it under my nose and say mmmmm or something. Usually this angered me enough that I wouldn't eat it but I had absolutely no support. Since I left him I've lost over 30 lbs and surround myself with people who encourage me. I'm not advising you to leave him BUT as your spouse he needs to understand you are doing something for yourself and your health and there's no excuse for him to not support you. Confrontation may be mandatory..... 0
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You probably don't want to hear this, but the fact is you might need to get a little bit confrontational here. You don't have to be mean, you don't have to raise your voice, but you might need to be very direct with a few people. They probably mean well and love you very much, and are used to expressing it in particular ways, ie making and bringing you food, which in the past, I have to assume has made you happy/feel loved. You might need to explain to them that you know they mean well, but in order to help you (if they really want to help you in this), some of their behavior will have to change. Be specific. Like, tell your SO that instead of bringing you food, he can rub your feet to show you he loves you.
Now, change is never easy, and it won't be for them, either. They are used to thinking and behaving in certain ways. You'll probably have to have some patience with them. Keep talking about what you need from them, but understand that they mean well and change is hard, when they don't do what you would wish. Good luck!
You may find out that they are afraid that you will leave them when you hit your goal weight. I've read that this can be the situation too, so it may be a question you need to ask them. Some how you will have to get the willpower to overcome the junk food. Eat what you know you can, count the calories and then push that plate away. Keep a water bottle at the ready and reach for that instead of whatever else is sitting on that coffee table. It's going to be all on you for the most part. If they offer to get you more food, ask them to fill your glass with water instead. Good luck and you can do this.0 -
If you really want to get your point across I suggest you throw away whatever junk foods they bring you. After a couple of times of this, they will know you mean business. I beat they won't bring it to you anymore.0
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punch them in the face or junk depending on your relative altitude to their face or junk.
seriously....
or even more seriously, you may cringe at the thought of confrontation, but you have to realize that you are fightiing for your very life. So which is worse to you, that you continue down your path and to who knows how many health complications, or that you tell someone to stop helping you hurt yourself?
You might not be there yet, the point when the change becomes your goal, but eventually you will and then all your excuses will fall away and you'll be able to stand up for you and do what needs to be done.
^^This. But, seriously, I have the same issues. I am a binger and don't do well when I'm surrounded by temptation. I also hang out with a lot of athletes with super high metabolisms who can eat any and everything and not gain weight. They tend to say things like "Well, you can have some of it" or "Oh, you'll burn it off" or " You have to take a break every once in a while". What these people don't realise is that for some of us, it's not that easy. We need to have more structure in our diets in order to succeed and "one little piece" of a trigger food can send us into an all out binge-fest.
My advise is to just learn to ignore them and make it clear that their way of eating is just not working for you and if they want to besupportive they can and if they don't well they need to step OFF! You are the only one who can or does control what you decide to eat. YOU have to decide to make the decision to not have that "first bite".0 -
I do all the grocery shopping and I've learned that I need to do most of the cooking. My fiance is a southern boy, so he doesn't make healthy food and has a distorted view of portions. We've both lost weight thanks to me cooking just enough for us to eat (I still give him a little more than me, because after all he is a man), but I don't cook more than we can eat in one night. Saves money too!0
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you have to confront your SO and lay it on the line. at this point, he is hurting you. you need to be honest with him and tell it to him like this- at this point it's a matter of your health. does he want a healthy, vibrant girlfriend? or does he want to go to your funeral or take you to the doctor to get your diabetes meds?
tell him you understand he isn't doing it on purpose, but that it hurts you. and it needs to stop.0 -
He has the worst idea of like, what people should eat. Its like in his head, if you eat healthy food its okay to eat bad food too? He's naturally very thin (he's 5'20 or so and about 125 lbs) but he pretty much lives off of junk. He doesn't eat vegetables. He loves me and we've been together for almost eight years...in which I gained 150 lbs. I'm trying to figure out how to start the conversation so it doesn't just sound like I'm trying to blame him. I'm not trying to say "You made me fat!" but "You're kind of helping keep me fat!"0
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You definitely have to put your foot down if you want this bad enough. Different people need different fuel for their bodies. His can survive on junk. Your body cannot. Let him eat that crap, but YOU eat what YOU need to eat. Don't be bullied into eating junk just because you can't speak up for yourself. Put your big girl pants on and fight for YOU!!! If this means you have to make your own meals while he makes his, fine.0
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I don't feel bullied its more like....I compulsively overeat. And I'll eat whatever is right there without realizing that I'm even doing it to the point of getting sick and its like he can't understand exactly what that means (like not putting a stack of brownies next to me on the couch).0
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my SO was also very unsupportive of my weight loss at first, in the end i had to sit him down and explain that this was important to me and tell him exactly what i needed from him to support me. e.g. when i come home from a run and say how much i've done he needed to share my enthusiasm, to stop putting sweets, chocolate, biscuits etc infront of me all the time and to realise that i cannot keep eating junk and lose weight at the same time. since then he's been trying to find ways to support me such as helping me figure out a new playlist to keep me moving. i'm sure he loves you and only wants you to be happy, just talk to him calmly and explain how you feel and what you'd like him to do to support not hinder you. good luck x0
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you have to confront your SO and lay it on the line. at this point, he is hurting you. you need to be honest with him and tell it to him like this- at this point it's a matter of your health. does he want a healthy, vibrant girlfriend? or does he want to go to your funeral or take you to the doctor to get your diabetes meds?
tell him you understand he isn't doing it on purpose, but that it hurts you. and it needs to stop.
he probably thinks he's supporting you and loving you unconditionally (like he should)so he might not know he's hurting you. lay it all out for him. my fiance is very supportive of anything I wanna do. he cheers me on and tells me how great I'm doing but will bring me treats. he doesn't mean to sabbotage me, he just loves me no matter what and he just wants to be a sweetheart. I have to re-train him how to care for me. I think that's what you gotta do.0 -
you have to confront your SO and lay it on the line. at this point, he is hurting you. you need to be honest with him and tell it to him like this- at this point it's a matter of your health. does he want a healthy, vibrant girlfriend? or does he want to go to your funeral or take you to the doctor to get your diabetes meds?
tell him you understand he isn't doing it on purpose, but that it hurts you. and it needs to stop.
he probably thinks he's supporting you and loving you unconditionally (like he should)so he might not know he's hurting you. lay it all out for him. my fiance is very supportive of anything I wanna do. he cheers me on and tells me how great I'm doing but will bring me treats. he doesn't mean to sabbotage me, he just loves me no matter what and he just wants to be a sweetheart. I have to re-train him how to care for me. I think that's what you gotta do.
That's exactly what it is. If I have a moment of weakness and I'm like, I really really want cake right now (after a perfect healthy day) he will literally run down the street and buy one. So it kills willpower because any craving I ever get he instantly tries to go fill and I'm like no, I need to STOP eating every sugar craving.0 -
My husband is a naturally thin enabler also. He eats like a bottomless pit and expects me to keep up with him. I gained 85lbs since we were married.0
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I recently was watching a show about someone very obese losing weight and in one part they were talking about enablers and how they help people to become obese. I've realized that part of my personal problem in being successful is that there are two enablers in my life who bring junk around or will make me really bad food or tell me "oh, its okay just order pizza" etc. knowing that I'm trying to lose weight and it gets to the point where its pretty much pushing me to very much overeat. My SO will literally go and make me food that he knows I shouldn't eat in huge portion and then put a movie on and minimizes the caloric load and will tell me that I've been eating really well when I haven't been, etc.
I'm addicted to food and the only way I can really stay on track is to only have healthy food around but junk food magically appears everywhere in the house. It's hard to avoid binge eating when specific trigger foods appear in your house.
I know that much of this will make no sense to people who have normal relationships with food. I have binge eating disorder, I'm addicted to food. I know this. So telling me to just eat salad isn't going to help. I need some tips on how to talk to them about it without coming off as confrontational. I have a really hard time with confrontation and I'll usually just wimp out.
this is going to sound harsh, but i want you to be shocked back to reality.
STOP WITH THE EXCUSES!
these people aren't holding a gun to your head and forcing you to eat that food. if you eat that food, then you have only yourself to blame. i know the polite thing to do is accept their offering, but what you have to do is tell them firmly that you appreciate the offer, but cannot accept because you are trying to lose weight. if they persist after that, politely accept the food and immediately drop it in the nearest trashcan for them to see. they will learn to stop trying to force food on you after that. if they get mad at you for being rude for doing that, remember that they are the ones repeatedly ignoring your protestations and trying to get you to cheat on your diet. in short, they started it by being rude to you.
maybe you are too nice to actually follow my advice and throw out their food, but you can tell them that's what you'll start doing if they keep pushing food on you. they'll get the hint sooner rather than later.0 -
Sit down with them, go to hulu.com and turn on extreme makeover weight loss addition. Watch a few episodes together. At least half of the episodes deal with enablers. Actually, try to find one with a younger female and it will most likely deal with enablers. There is one from last season with a 20 year old blonde girl named Ashley that would be perfect for you to watch together. Good luck!0
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You need to get ahold of your compulsion and learn to stop eating when your full and satisfied and push the plate away. Its hard I know but you can do it. Do it for yourself. Unless he ties you down and shoves it down your throat you still have control over what you eat. So push that plate away. Just do it for yourself. See a therapist if you have to. But ultimately its up to you to say "when".I don't feel bullied its more like....I compulsively overeat. And I'll eat whatever is right there without realizing that I'm even doing it to the point of getting sick and its like he can't understand exactly what that means (like not putting a stack of brownies next to me on the couch).0 -
Same with my husband. I swear he has a hollow leg or a tape worm. He can eat forever and never put on a pound. He doesn't however try to get me to eat more and I do always stop eating when I'm satisfied. BUT he used to always buy me my favorite chocolates and cheese puffs. Both are my downfall. BUT I decided if I'm going to lose this weight I'm going to have to put my foot down and say no to his loving treats and just not eat them at all. He finally stopped buying them for me when I didn't eat them anymore and they just sat there. Probably the only thing my husband won't eat are cheese puffs lol. I ended up giving the junk away to my kids and their friends. Hubby thought he was being loving by bringing me home those sampler boxes of chocolates and I don't mean the little boxes either. At least once a week!!!!My husband is a naturally thin enabler also. He eats like a bottomless pit and expects me to keep up with him. I gained 85lbs since we were married.0 -
Get out a pair of your undies. Ask him to put them on and then tell him how much more fun it is going to be when you can both be in those undies together, and if he continues to bring you junk home then this is the ONLY way he will get into your undies ever again...0
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you have to confront your SO and lay it on the line. at this point, he is hurting you. you need to be honest with him and tell it to him like this- at this point it's a matter of your health. does he want a healthy, vibrant girlfriend? or does he want to go to your funeral or take you to the doctor to get your diabetes meds?
tell him you understand he isn't doing it on purpose, but that it hurts you. and it needs to stop.
he probably thinks he's supporting you and loving you unconditionally (like he should)so he might not know he's hurting you. lay it all out for him. my fiance is very supportive of anything I wanna do. he cheers me on and tells me how great I'm doing but will bring me treats. he doesn't mean to sabbotage me, he just loves me no matter what and he just wants to be a sweetheart. I have to re-train him how to care for me. I think that's what you gotta do.
That's exactly what it is. If I have a moment of weakness and I'm like, I really really want cake right now (after a perfect healthy day) he will literally run down the street and buy one. So it kills willpower because any craving I ever get he instantly tries to go fill and I'm like no, I need to STOP eating every sugar craving.
And you need to stop telling him about your cravings and stop blaming him for your weight and your eating what he brings home. Just don't eat it! Don't blame others or say its an addiction so you can't help yourself. ALL excuses.0 -
I just tell my boyfriend, "Please stop, I just can't", in a serious tone, whenever he offers me something bad for me over and over again and then starts putting it in my face. He stops right then. I think that it makes them feel better about their decisions if you also induldge. But you have to stand up for yourself and do what's good and right for you. It's okay to be selfish when it comes to your health! Good Luck!0
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ROFLGet out a pair of your undies. Ask him to put them on and then tell him how much more fun it is going to be when you can both be in those undies together, and if he continues to bring you junk home then this is the ONLY way he will get into your undies ever again...0 -
My point of view is that you cannot change what another person is doing. You can only change what you are doing.
If you look at yourself closely, I think you will see that you are actually in control. Unless he's tying you down and force-feeding you, it's you and only you who picks food up and puts it into your mouth. If you don't want to eat like you are eating now, you will have to change. I mean - sure - tell him how you feel, ask for his support. But it still boils down to you. Are you going to change or aren't you?0 -
I took over all cooking and shopping. If hubby would cook something special as a nice sweet gesture then I would have it, in small portions and fill literally 1/2 my plate with veggies or salad. You have to explain to your enablers, why it is so important to you and ask them to help keep you on track. Say what your goals are and the types of foods you want to be eating, ask them to remind you to drink water, help you be more active, and ask them to help keep you in line by paying attention to your food choices too. I lost and am loosing weight for me, but told hubby I wanted to get back to the me before kids, that I needed him to support me ( then give specific ways) in my quest to become the best mommy and sexiest wife I could
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He has the worst idea of like, what people should eat. Its like in his head, if you eat healthy food its okay to eat bad food too? He's naturally very thin (he's 5'20 or so and about 125 lbs) but he pretty much lives off of junk. He doesn't eat vegetables. He loves me and we've been together for almost eight years...in which I gained 150 lbs. I'm trying to figure out how to start the conversation so it doesn't just sound like I'm trying to blame him. I'm not trying to say "You made me fat!" but "You're kind of helping keep me fat!"
Maybe start the conversation with "I need your help." Guys love to help their sweethearts, and from another of your posts it sounds like he does care about you.
Then tell him exactly what you posted - about how you have a tendency to eat compulsively. If there is food in front of you, you will eat it (and btw, you are not alone - this is soooo me -- until I get SICK :noway: ) and especially with the t.v. on. If he wants to treat you, you need him to find non-food ways to do it. A backrub or footrub, for example, can be a way of showing he cares without throwing you off your eating plan. When you watch a movie, you need him to keep his snacks to himself (you can have a pile of celery sticks, baby carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower to dip in salsa so you don't feel left out/tempted to reach for his stuff). Tell him you want to be healthy so you can enjoy your time with him.
Notice how I phrased things - You need, not he needs to. It sounds (from the posts you've made) that he isn't deliberately trying to sabotage you, so I think if you put it in the sense of him helping you, and being specific about it, he may listen.
(An additional note about the compulsive eating - I have been seeing a LCSW for other issues, and talked about the compulsive eating. For me, at least, it may be more of a symptom of what else is going on than an issue of its own. It may help you to find someone you can talk about this with. Scary? yes. Does it help? I think so.)0 -
You gotta realize that while you're trying to be good and trying to be healthy you can't expect everyone else around you to do the same. Especially if they don't have weight problems. Growing up I was always the heavy one in the family even though I always ate less then everyone else. My brothers were naturally skinny while eating massive amounts of food, I wasn't. I found with me that I had to take control of myself and responsiblty for myself. I have an enabler in my life (actually were each others enabler but I'm trying to lose the weight now) I realized that I have to be able to say ok there are brownies or ice cream in the house but I'm not eating it or I'm only having a 1/2 cup of ice cream. I have a strong sugar addiction. So I try to be good and when I get a craving or my enabler walks in with chocolate I choose to eat it or not but take into consideration what my calories are for the day. So far it's working for me and I'm hoping that as the months go by I'll get less and less of a sugar addiction but for you I'd say try and take control of the situation by portioning. My enabler walked in with a bag of nestle treasures because I said I wanted chocolate. I took 3 and handed the rest back (I really wanted the chocolate) I know how many calories those 3 are and am working them into my day. I think it's unrealistic for people to act like they're never going to eat ice cream, cake, chocolate, etc. But talk to your SO too and just say that when you say you want cake it doesn't mean they have to go buy cake. That you love them for trying to make you happy but that you really do want to be as healthy as possible. That instead of your SO going and getting you the cake to have him tell you to go get it yourself because if you want it that bad then you probably should eat it. If you put it in those terms I think your SO will understand and I don't think it needs to be confrontational.0
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I have a husband like that - whatever I want he will go get it. We made it where there is a secret word. If I use the code word, he will go get it...if not he knows I'm just feeling sorry for myself.That's exactly what it is. If I have a moment of weakness and I'm like, I really really want cake right now (after a perfect healthy day) he will literally run down the street and buy one. So it kills willpower because any craving I ever get he instantly tries to go fill and I'm like no, I need to STOP eating every sugar craving.
I also have a list of banned items...yes literally a written down list. If one does show up in the house for any reason it immediately gets smooshed (to the point that no one besides the dog will want to eat it) and goes outside to the trash can. Don't care why it were there, how much money was thrown out...just don't care. Mentally, I have convinced my brain these specific items are some weird mutated spider disguise and treat them as such. I have no problem doing ANYTHING it takes to make spiders go away. Crazy, yes...but it also works for me. Hubby got tired of me doing this to his treats and he now respects the banned list. He has plenty of other things he can bring in the house for treats, so he can eat as much junk as he wants I just don't have to join him. He has gotten good about checking the list before he goes out shopping. If he does bring something from the list home he makes real sure I never see it 0
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