How do I deal with enablers?

AllonsYtotheTardis

You will need to be direct with them. Sit each one down privately, and tell them how you are struggling. Tell them you realize they are trying to show their love by making or bringing you things they know you like. Tell them that what you really need is for them to show their love in another way - because this way is hurting you. Ask them for help - be specific about what kind of help you want.

You never know - a kind, direct chat with them might turn them into your biggest supporters and champions!

Trudyr777

Get out a pair of your undies. Ask him to put them on and then tell him how much more fun it is going to be when you can both be in those undies together, and if he continues to bring you junk home then this is the ONLY way he will get into your undies ever again...

^^ OMG!! LOVE this!! HAHA!!!

nicsalt

Many times people offer junk or sweets so they don't have to feel bad about eating it themselves. In their minds, you have it, then it's okay for them to have it too. It justifies their own bad habbits. This happens to me a lot at work when people bring sweets and cookies in. I just say No. I have even said to some that I am close to and care about (who I know will regret indulging) No thank you, it's just not worth it but if you think you'll feel good after having one, don't let me stop you. They think about that for a minute and then usually pass it up too.

I've read a lot of great advice on this thread. Be open and honest with your SO. Tell him that for you, this is a matter of life and death. It really is. Losing weight is not easy and changing this habbit won't be easy for him but if he would like a long life together both are necessary.

Good luck!

angelique_redhead

My DH is an enabler too. He's of the school of "If you love it, feed it!" When he met me I was doing 2 hours of Tae Kwon Do a day and could eat the same amount he does but I don't have access to it and am not in good enough health to do that any more. We now have a deal worked out where I will eat half the food he does and he will eat a normal amount of food. If he eats more then he will NOT encourage me to do the same. Luckily I'm not into "bad snacks" but he is so if he brings home a cake, pie, cookies, Fritos they sit there unless he eats them. I used to like them but broke the habit by putting them in a special cabinet all their own and didn't open it. Out of sight. Out of mind. Good luck!

Espresso345

There are some very good books by psychologist Harriet Lerner that talk about the "Change Back!" reaction - Often, when we make big changes in our own lives, it makes those around us uncomfortable. Maybe your SO sees you've lost weight and while he's happy for you, it makes him uncomfortable because - subconsciously - he's afraid you'll leave him now that you're getting more fit - or, it reminds him that he could stand to lose some weight too, and he doesn't want to acknowledge that. Or, it can also be that people mentally file others in little pigeonholes, and when we change, that upsets their neat little perceptions of us.

:bigsmile:

piggydog

I work in home health and work for a super morbidly obese woman... her mother is an enabler...

She went to the hosptial and is currently on hospice it has gotten so bad and her mother still tries to bring her pizza and mcdonalds.... I dont' tolerate it... she wants something sweet and I simply ask, do you want that icecream cone or do you want to go back to the hospital? One ice cream cone leads to another and another and you'll go right back down the road you were on.

No one can change yourself but you!
Other people suck! You simply have to make them understand its either this amazingly fattening high calorie food or your life....I would hope they choose your life!

jenniferinfl

My husband is an enabler. He makes excuses that we can get a pizza because I've been "good about my diet" all week. Or he says I look fine to him, which really isn't true.

I finally had to make it about my health. Dear, if you want to raise the kid alone because I've had a heart attack and died, then go ahead and get a pizza.

This is the longest he's cooperated with my calorie restricted diet. He was really annoyed that I wouldn't have a pina colada yesterday, but, it just wasn't worth it.

HerbT51

... how to start the conversation so it doesn't just sound like I'm trying to blame him.

It doesn't matter how you gained your weight. You need to ask him to help you with losing it. Explain your dietary needs and desires and ask him to help you stick with it. Psychology is your field. I think you know what you need to do but it is always difficult when it involves someone we love. The pent up frustration and anger will, someday, be far more difficult. Do what you need to do now before it hurts both of you.
Setting a good example for your children should be motivation for both of you, not just yourself. He may have to change some things but maybe it is time to grow up and be a good father and spouse.

collingmommy

I know this is a spread about food . But, i flay out told my boyfriend that its his fault I'm fat! I lost 50 lbs in 2010, got pregnant in March'11, had our son in dec '11, put on 60ish lbs, the whole time i was pregnant, i begged ppl to go walking with me, him included, "no, i dint wanna" is the reply i got i begged to do taebo, he said that was to much jumping around for the baby! ! Yes.. That's what i got told. Any way. This past year, I've lost over 40 inches, and 50 lbs, i told him, i wouldn't have to kill myself with a diet and exercise one hour a night 6 days a week if u woulda helped me while i was pregnant. " its your fault I'm fat.. " now he leaves me alone and don't bother me about how long i exercise. (that's what started or sqwabble, he said i didn't spend time with him at night... )

kmm7309

If you aren't confrontational (I'm not), then always be proactive. YOU should shop and YOU should cook. Tell your SO that it's something you are trying out. It's A LOT of work, but just do it. If you don't have crap in the house to binge on, your spinach-and tomato salad binges won't be that hard to undo. Seriously though, this is what I had to do because I'm a binger too. I also make a meal plan, with dinner decided for two weeks at a time. If I can't cook, my husband KNOWS that this is what we eat, like it or not. Hope this helps!

collingmommy

My husband is an enabler. He makes excuses that we can get a pizza because I've been "good about my diet" all week. Or he says I look fine to him, which really isn't true.

I finally had to make it about my health. Dear, if you want to raise the kid alone because I've had a heart attack and died, then go ahead and get a pizza.

This is the longest he's cooperated with my calorie restricted diet. He was really annoyed that I wouldn't have a pina colada yesterday, but, it just wasn't worth it.

I turned away a cookie the other night after my bf told me the calorie count.. I said, im not eating that and wasting my calories on that itty bity thing.. I'll eat a yogurt later.

kaseysospacey

If you aren't confrontational (I'm not), then always be proactive. YOU should shop and YOU should cook. Tell your SO that it's something you are trying out. It's A LOT of work, but just do it. If you don't have crap in the house to binge on, your spinach-and tomato salad binges won't be that hard to undo. Seriously though, this is what I had to do because I'm a binger too. I also make a meal plan, with dinner decided for two weeks at a time. If I can't cook, my husband KNOWS that this is what we eat, like it or not. Hope this helps!

I've been trying to do the cooking. With so many little kids I often end up not eating for such a long time that its hard not to just eat whatever crap I can grab on the go when I get the chance and I realize that its hard, I just have a hard time getting organized enough to figure out how to manage it.

I'm going to ask him to keep his junk in the cabinet/fridge/freezer in the dining room and out regular sight. I can't ask him to just stop eating the crap he likes (honestly, he works a lot of hours and he works nights, so I feel like he works hard enough he should be allowed to eat what he likes) so I'm just going to try to get it out of sight. It's not stuff I have to cook, its mostly ready to eat snacks and frozen dinners that he brings to work. And I'm going to talk to him about enabling tomorrow night since we have a babysitter for my birthday.

Responding to other posts, I don't think its wrong to call it an "addiction". It's not an excuse, its step 1 in overcoming a serious problem. I compulsively overeat and I'm as addicted to sugar as a crackhead is to crack. I can't eat sugary foods like a cupcake without getting awful sugar cravings and often just eating compulsively until I get sick. Sugar like frosting just sets it off. If I stay away from it, I don't have any cravings or problems. I've completely gotten away from drinking diet soda for over 2 mos now and that has helped with curbing cravings in general.

kaseysospacey

My husband is an enabler. He makes excuses that we can get a pizza because I've been "good about my diet" all week. Or he says I look fine to him, which really isn't true.

I finally had to make it about my health. Dear, if you want to raise the kid alone because I've had a heart attack and died, then go ahead and get a pizza.

This is the longest he's cooperated with my calorie restricted diet. He was really annoyed that I wouldn't have a pina colada yesterday, but, it just wasn't worth it.

That's a lot like me. All the time its like, you eat so well have this pizza! Make these brownies! And its all the time and your willpower only goes so far. Between my sister and my SO it seems like someone is constantly trying to get me to eat pizza with them or make cheese quesadillas or something.Like every meal. I tell my SO that if life was fair he'd be SO fat because he's so slim and he eats the worst! He just skips meals a lot and he figures it must even out. My sister is starting to get pretty fat but she's trying to ignore it and will push me to get this or that with her, like has been suggested on here, to make it ok for her to eat it I guess

kaseysospacey

Get out a pair of your undies. Ask him to put them on and then tell him how much more fun it is going to be when you can both be in those undies together, and if he continues to bring you junk home then this is the ONLY way he will get into your undies ever again...

1. This makes me lol. rofl. If laughing burns calories then I lost a pound.
2. This would work if he cared but he is more than ok with my fat butt! And he tells me that he thinks that yeah im overweight but not obese or anything...and was like that at my all time high of 355. 3.5.5.! Can you believe it? There's no desire here where he thinks that I'd be sexier thinner. Kind of wish there was!

msbunnie68

Get out a pair of your undies. Ask him to put them on and then tell him how much more fun it is going to be when you can both be in those undies together, and if he continues to bring you junk home then this is the ONLY way he will get into your undies ever again...

1. This makes me lol. rofl. If laughing burns calories then I lost a pound.
2. This would work if he cared but he is more than ok with my fat butt! And he tells me that he thinks that yeah im overweight but not obese or anything...and was like that at my all time high of 355. 3.5.5.! Can you believe it? There's no desire here where he thinks that I'd be sexier thinner. Kind of wish there was!

I didn't mean to imply that you would be sexier thinner (obviously you guys have no problem in that department - wink wink).. more that I have a feeling that he just doesn't 'see' that you are overweight. It isn't that he needs to feel sexy about you - maybe YOU need to feel sexy about you again.

I was being a little funny and a little serious with my post

I made my husband put on my jeans - he kept telling me that I didn't need to watch what I ate blah blah as he still saw me as the little twig he married nearly 20 years ago (bless him). He told me my jeans would be too small because I am a girl etc etc. When he realized my jeans were too big for him he looked really surprised and did a huge turn about with regards to helping me achieve my goal. Maybe your fella needs a visual example as to WHY you really want to make a change.

sagetracey

If you don't feel that you can have the conversation with him, try writing a letter. It's a great way to get your thoughts in order and lay out your case without interruption. And he will realise how serious you are.

good luck.