How do you ignore hurtful comments?
Replies
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When you lose weight for yourself, and for your own reasons, then you WILL lose 30-40 lbs. When you lose weight because you think it will help attract others, you'll lose interest the first time someone says something hurtful. That's just the way it goes.That is stupid. There is an *kitten* for every chair and shame on him for painting all men with the same brush. No offence but your friend is an idiot and you should not take what he said to heart. If you want to lose weight you do it for you, not to land a man!
THIS!
So, when you're really, truly ready for a change - a whole mindset, lifestyle change - then you'll see amazing success, and will very likely not care whether the "new you" lands a man or not as a result. You'll just be happy with yourself for committing to the changes.
Good luck to you - I hope you find that motivation and make some good-for-you changes.0 -
That is stupid. There is an *kitten* for every chair and shame on him for painting all men with the same brush. No offence but your friend is an idiot and you should not take what he said to heart. If you want to lose weight you do it for you, not to land a man!
You are beautiful!
agreed
well said. 0 -
This thread is really sad. You delete somebody who you considered a good friend because he attempted to be honest with you on a post that you OPENLY asked for help on (though his advice was poor, still. it's to be expected).
You then complain that he attacked you by calling you fat, yet proceed to say you agree with him and need to lose weight. THEN in a different post you say you're not fat but just big boned and now everybody is making assumptions about a man that they do not know saying he must be a single and lonely loser. All over your profile you're stating how unhappy you are with your weight. If you're unhappy then change it and don't act surprised when somebody else tells you that you're overweight if you already know it.
Your friend was likely just trying to help you (in his own little misguided way). This site can help you a lot if you commit to it, but YOU have to want it for yourself. Good luck. :flowerforyou:0 -
I was pretty heavy when I got married and my husband (not a heavy guy) is a wonderful man.
At a guess your problem in the man department has more to do with your self-image than your weight itself. I understand that the weight may be playing into the negative self-image but I'd also bet the negative self-image is contributing to your struggle to lose weight.
Trying to split the two apart, of course, is one of those things that's easier said than done.0 -
I've been off and on this site for over a year. I lose weight, I do good for a month, then I go back to my old eating habits and gain it right back. Recently I posted on facebook how it is hard for me to find the right man. (I can get dates all the time, but I'm talking a good man, a husband.) A guy, I thought was my friend, responded how I can't get a man because I'm "fat" by men's standards, and that I need to get my stuff together and go to the gym if I want to lose weight. Now this dude has hips 2 times my size. And he admitted he's been going to the gym to lose weight too. He's a real honest guy, brutally honest, and I took him off my friends list.
HE is right though. I do feel fat, main reason why I"ve been so depressed. So I have a new motivation to go back to the gym and my diet on myfitnesspal.com. I lost 10lbs last Novemeber, I can lose 30-40 this time! Sometimes when people say harsh comments it spurs me back into motivation to "show them." however, this comment cut so deep I feel like I don't want to live. And I know women who are two times my size, have a good man, and married. How do you combat these hurtful comments?
In his defense, you DID ask and he answered. Might not be the answer you wanted. I don't think you should be mad at him. Good friends tell the truth. I don't think he was a jerk for giving his answer. Now if he would have said that to you without you asking then he would be a jerk.
As far as my opinion, Being fat, skinny, in a wheelchair, a butterface or whatever has no bearing on getting a good man who is marriage material. There is someone for everyone. What does matter is how you carry yourself, what you truly believe about yourself, your confidence in yourself, how you treat yourself and others that will determine what kind of a person you will end up with. Believe in yourself. And FWIW, you are a beautiful woman!0 -
Yep - you are beautiful. You are going in the right direction - you are on this site, you are taking charge of your health and you are NOT settling for any man who is less than what you deserve. Self-affirm every day.
I asked a coworker on how he was so successful - he told me "I don't tell myself that I will try. I tell myself that I will do".0 -
You all the hit the nail on the head. I am the heaviest I have been in my life, and I don't feel good about myself. I feel very confident in my singing ability and writing skills, so it wouldn't hurt if someone berated me on that. But he is also a little overweight, and is single, and he says he's working on it. Also, I shot hiim down a year ago, he's cute, but I wasn't interested in him. Maybe he's still hurt by that? IN a way i'm glad he told me his truth, because it is making me work harder. I went on my healthy eating again today, and plan to work out in the gym. Hard.....sometiimes it akes something mean to spur us into action.0
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The harsh comments don't spur motivation, you spur the motivation to get back at them like "I'll show them I can lose it" and then get mad at yourself when life happens. Look, you are closer to the finish line than those that never showed up to the starting line! I've always been a victim of hurtful comments from those in my "circle" and guess what, that circle has gotten awfully small now because you can't allow negativity to derail you from you main goal and that is being healthy, happy, and HOT! Most of the time the negative ones are truly unhappy and can't find their own motivation to get started so it's easier to de-motivate someone.
So to answer your question, How do you ignore the comments, you don't! You respond with grace and keep on with your journey knowing that some will NOT see the end with you, they'll just have to stare at your REAR END in the dust as you keep it moving.
Good Luck with your journey to better health!
LOVE IT! :happy:0 -
This thread is really sad. You delete somebody who you considered a good friend because he attempted to be honest with you on a post that you OPENLY asked for help on (though his advice was poor, still. it's to be expected).
You then complain that he attacked you by calling you fat, yet proceed to say you agree with him and need to lose weight. THEN in a different post you say you're not fat but just big boned and now everybody is making assumptions about a man that they do not know saying he must be a single and lonely loser. All over your profile you're stating how unhappy you are with your weight. If you're unhappy then change it and don't act surprised when somebody else tells you that you're overweight if you already know it.
Your friend was likely just trying to help you (in his own little misguided way). This site can help you a lot if you commit to it, but YOU have to want it for yourself. Good luck. :flowerforyou:
Well stated.
I strongly dislike when people come on the boards just looking for people to sugar coat everything and not be honest with the person that is posting.
She posted 2 threads to get people to agree with her and bash this poor man.0 -
Use your worse experiences to spur to on to success and never look back at the negatives....just keep moving forward! Don't dwell on what other people say. There will always be differences of opinion. Keep accountability for yourself and fly - don't let comments stop your progress.0
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Any man that would put weight above personality isn't a man worth having.0
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Some people are just spiteful! He was not trying to help you. He wanted the opportunity to make you feel bad probably because he knew you wasn't interested in him. Jerk.
I'm glad that you are using this to motivate yourself. I use my anger as a weapon in the gym
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Some people are just spiteful! He was not trying to help you. He wanted the opportunity to make you feel bad probably because he knew you wasn't interested in him. Jerk.
I'm glad that you are using this to motivate yourself. I use my anger as a weapon in the gym
I do the same. When I'm in spin class and I'm ready to give up and lower the resistance or sit down I think of the people who made fun of my weight, kidding or otherwise and it fuels me to keep going.0 -
If this guy's comment really hurt you this bad then there is only one thing you can do... Get serious and lose the weight that makes you feel bad about yourself.
If he wasn't right (in your mind) then it wouldn't have bothered you so much. I'm not insulting you I think you're beautiful the way you are and I encourage you to maintain whatever body image you're happy with but if you want to make the change necessary to improve your life then you need to buckle down and DO IT.
Join a gym with group exercise classes... That was the big motivator for me. If I get on a treadmill I putz around and don't get much done. Get me in class and I fight to keep up with everyone else and it motivates me.
I have been fat for so long and accepted my body image as something that would never change and accepted being "the fat guy" and 4-5 months ago I said "ENOUGH!" and I have lost 30 lbs.... I am going strong with no sign of stopping and if I can do it so can you.
EDIT: That being said I fundamentally disagree with his charge that you haven't found a good man is because you're overweight. That is ridiculous.0 -
This thread is really sad. You delete somebody who you considered a good friend because he attempted to be honest with you on a post that you OPENLY asked for help on (though his advice was poor, still. it's to be expected).
You then complain that he attacked you by calling you fat, yet proceed to say you agree with him and need to lose weight. THEN in a different post you say you're not fat but just big boned and now everybody is making assumptions about a man that they do not know saying he must be a single and lonely loser. All over your profile you're stating how unhappy you are with your weight. If you're unhappy then change it and don't act surprised when somebody else tells you that you're overweight if you already know it.
Your friend was likely just trying to help you (in his own little misguided way). This site can help you a lot if you commit to it, but YOU have to want it for yourself. Good luck. :flowerforyou:
Well stated.
I strongly dislike when people come on the boards just looking for people to sugar coat everything and not be honest with the person that is posting.
She posted 2 threads to get people to agree with her and bash this poor man.
Exactly. Everyone on here is now telling her that she is at a great weight and trash talking a man that they don't know. She has clearly stated she is at an unhealthy weight, so I'm not sure why anybody feels the need to tell her that her weight is perfect.. everybody needs a dose of honesty sometimes. Denial isn't going to help confidence in the long run and you can only make so many threads begging for an ego boost.
I was surprised that everybody was immediately jumping to the defense on this one lol0 -
Remember the compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed tell me how.0
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You are a beautiful girl! Do not listen to that horse's a**! When you are happy with your self others see it and that's what makes you attractive to them not your weight your hair its your inner beauty. You can be the most gorgeous women in the world on the outside and still be a very ugly person!0
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With friends like that you do not need enemies and despite weight issues men love tall short fat and thin... Sounds like you need to stick up for yourself, loosing weight or not is about what you want soap box over and out...0
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I get the same thing, that I'm too "big" to even get a date. But I get these comments from my mother of all people. I do my best to ignore it. Just because one person doesn't see your beauty doesn't mean everyone feels that way. I'm not only working on my weight to get healthy but I also want to have confidence and good self esteem. What matters most is what you think of yourself.
Mothers are a strange thing.
The really really nice things they say don't count because its your Mom and you can also discount the really hurtful things too... They usually think they're being nice and honest but are usually just soul crushing.
Its the neutral things like "Hello" and "Good morning" that you can trust the most.
I actually have a fantastic relationship with my Mom but my mother in law is the worst.0 -
I've been off and on this site for over a year. I lose weight, I do good for a month, then I go back to my old eating habits and gain it right back. Recently I posted on facebook how it is hard for me to find the right man. (I can get dates all the time, but I'm talking a good man, a husband.) A guy, I thought was my friend, responded how I can't get a man because I'm "fat" by men's standards, and that I need to get my stuff together and go to the gym if I want to lose weight. Now this dude has hips 2 times my size. And he admitted he's been going to the gym to lose weight too. He's a real honest guy, brutally honest, and I took him off my friends list.
HE is right though. I do feel fat, main reason why I"ve been so depressed. So I have a new motivation to go back to the gym and my diet on myfitnesspal.com. I lost 10lbs last Novemeber, I can lose 30-40 this time! Sometimes when people say harsh comments it spurs me back into motivation to "show them." however, this comment cut so deep I feel like I don't want to live. And I know women who are two times my size, have a good man, and married. How do you combat these hurtful comments?
the best advice i can give, for anyone, is don't rely on others for your own self-esteem. what they think or say doesn't really matter. confidence and self-esteem comes from within. know yourself. like yourself. fix what you don't like. then what others say won't matter. i'm not talking about false self-esteem or narcissism. i'm just talking about being as good a person as you can. treating other people well. knowing that at the end of each day you've made the world a little bit better for somebody else. everything else will follow from that...
of course this is much easier said than done, but at the end of the day, what matters is whether YOU like YOU, and not what somebody else thinks about you.0 -
You're beautiful. The only way you'll succeed in losing weight is wanting it for yourself. And there are guys out there you won't mind weight. My man loves me just as I am, but respects I want to lose weight and will help me lose weight.0
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^^^nail on the head 0
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hope this isnt weird for me to say, but i looked at your photo's and you have nothing to be ashamed of!! your photo's to me look beautiful!! and dont let them hurt you! they are ugly nasty people, and you said he is bigger than you? so he has no room to talk at all, just ignore the people, find true friends who like you for you, and maybe if you want to loose some weight find a friend that will go to the gym with you and keep you on track. it doesnt have to be a crazy workout!! just a nice bike ride for thirty minutes or going on a walk on a machine for 30 minutes. even walking your dog around your neighborhood is good to but dont let people bring you down!! you have so much to live for to let one person's words ruin your day. there are a billion other people out there that you can be friends with!!(:0
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I've been off and on this site for over a year. I lose weight, I do good for a month, then I go back to my old eating habits and gain it right back. Recently I posted on facebook how it is hard for me to find the right man. (I can get dates all the time, but I'm talking a good man, a husband.) A guy, I thought was my friend, responded how I can't get a man because I'm "fat" by men's standards, and that I need to get my stuff together and go to the gym if I want to lose weight. Now this dude has hips 2 times my size. And he admitted he's been going to the gym to lose weight too. He's a real honest guy, brutally honest, and I took him off my friends list.
HE is right though. I do feel fat, main reason why I"ve been so depressed. So I have a new motivation to go back to the gym and my diet on myfitnesspal.com. I lost 10lbs last Novemeber, I can lose 30-40 this time! Sometimes when people say harsh comments it spurs me back into motivation to "show them." however, this comment cut so deep I feel like I don't want to live. And I know women who are two times my size, have a good man, and married. How do you combat these hurtful comments?
There's so much in this post -- I think you asked the wrong question when you said "How do you ignore/combat hurtful comments?" You don't. You listen to them and decide how to process them. First, decide if they were meant to be hurtful or rather if they were meant to be helpful but they were painful to hear. That's different.
In your original post, you didn't mention that he had asked you out in the past and you had said no; that may actually influence his ability to give you advice... but then again, reading closely you never said you asked for everyone's advice. You said you were posting about how hard it is for you to find a man... you didn't say that you said "Can anybody out there tell me why?" Had you posted that, you should make sure you've got your thick skin on before you read what people may say. Even still, just bringing it up opened the door for his "somewhat unsolicited" advice, which was basically for you to try losing weight and see if that helps. Since you already want to lose weight, and I'm going to guess that finding a good partner might be part of your motivation, I think it's more like you're upset that he posted it on Facebook where all your friends read it instead of sending it to you privately where maybe it wouldn't have been so embarrassing to see it in black and white. I think anyone really trying to help could have sent the message privately, so I question why he felt the need to put that out there.
As for not wanting to live, as you stated, that's a terrible way to feel. Do you honestly feel suicidal, or were you using it as an expression? You say you are depressed... that's nothing to take lightly. If you are using it as an expression, please don't, unless you are serious. If you truly feel like you don't want to live, see a counselor right away.
All that said, he's wrong. I'm looking at your photo and there is only one kind of man you're not getting at your weight: shallow. And you don't want one of those anyway.
If showing this guy and everybody else what a great body you can create appeals to you, by all means, add that into the mix of reasons you're on MFP. Buckle down and instead of giving up, give it 100%, no matter what. I guarantee you'll feel better about yourself than you do right now. (And once you lose that 40 lbs., take a sexy new profile shot and send the guy a friends request. LOL)
Signed,
One of those fat chicks (with the loving husband) who just happens to want to get healthy for HERSELF0 -
That is stupid. There is an *kitten* for every chair and shame on him for painting all men with the same brush. No offence but your friend is an idiot and you should not take what he said to heart. If you want to lose weight you do it for you, not to land a man!
THIS!
Definitely! You are beautiful and if you want to feel better and be healthier, do it for YOU!0 -
Wow Pomegrante, that was an amazing post! thank you for taking the time out to write these encouraging and honest words!!! And to everyone else as well.0
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If you think he's right then why are you upset?..
I don't understand why people post things not wanting HONEST opinions. I do agree that he's wrong, it's not because of your weight.. but still. If you're putting yourself out there like that then you should expect people to tell you how they honestly feel.
There is ONE thing called tact. The guy should get some and so should you. Or maybe better, your mother should have taught you it.0 -
Wow Pomegrante, that was an amazing post! thank you for taking the time out to write these encouraging and honest words!!! And to everyone else as well.
Thanks!! And you're welcome. 0 -
I've been off and on this site for over a year. I lose weight, I do good for a month, then I go back to my old eating habits and gain it right back. Recently I posted on facebook how it is hard for me to find the right man. (I can get dates all the time, but I'm talking a good man, a husband.) A guy, I thought was my friend, responded how I can't get a man because I'm "fat" by men's standards, and that I need to get my stuff together and go to the gym if I want to lose weight. Now this dude has hips 2 times my size. And he admitted he's been going to the gym to lose weight too. He's a real honest guy, brutally honest, and I took him off my friends list.
HE is right though. I do feel fat, main reason why I"ve been so depressed. So I have a new motivation to go back to the gym and my diet on myfitnesspal.com. I lost 10lbs last Novemeber, I can lose 30-40 this time! Sometimes when people say harsh comments it spurs me back into motivation to "show them." however, this comment cut so deep I feel like I don't want to live. And I know women who are two times my size, have a good man, and married. How do you combat these hurtful comments?
First of all, I refrain from posting a lot of things on Facebook, whether it be my eating, exercising or general opinions. People are too nasty on there. You posted a question on FB, and you got an answer, one that you didn't like and was hurtful. I am NOT by any means saying it's your fault, I just don't post much on FB. MFP is a great way to post those thoughts and questions, like you are doing now.
As far as how I deal with hurtful comments...I don't let them bother me. I have spent 28 years learning to love myself. I don't have the time to make someone else love me too. Take it or leave it.
And congrats on getting back to the gym and losing weight! It is a daily struggle, I'm not gonna lie, but it will SO be worth it, I promise! Just stick with it and you will be amazed at what you can do! Keep your head up, girl. You're on the right track. :-)0 -
People shouldn't have to tiptoe around afraid to hurt anybody's feelings. If somebody has openly asked for adivice, they need to accept whatever is stated to them rather than expecting a pity party of people saying "you're perfect, everybody loves you! those guys suck!". Sometimes people need honesty to slap them in the face and wake them up. This girl is clearly in denial (constantly saying I'm not fat I'm big boned, then says she's overweight, then says she agrees with the guy that it's because she's fat, then says she knows her weight isn't the reason men aren't with her, etc.).If you think he's right then why are you upset?..
I don't understand why people post things not wanting HONEST opinions. I do agree that he's wrong, it's not because of your weight.. but still. If you're putting yourself out there like that then you should expect people to tell you how they honestly feel.
There is ONE thing called tact. The guy should get some and so should you. Or maybe better, your mother should have taught you it.
Again, I disagree with what the guy said but she posted a status complaining about her situation and her friend was clearly trying to help (in his own misguided way, but still).0
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