Dating a morbidly obese person....

xTattooedDollx

Personally i would stay away. My x was overweight and he really was not supportive with my weight loss. All he wanted to do was eat and go to the movies. Nothing physically active. My health and happiness was more important than someone i was dating. Now im engaged to an amazingly supportive man.

melsmith612

Ok, I've been single for about 6 months and recently, an old acquaintance from high school told me I should really start talking to her friend, we will call him Jim. She says he is her best friend, that he is the sweetest guy ever and that alot of girls won't talk to them because they are shallow because he is a big boy but he treats the person he is with like a queen. Now generally, all the men I have dated have been "big boys" I prefer a bigger man. So I didn't really think anything of it, and who am I to judge? I weigh 308 lbs....

So I thought, what is there to lose and him and I started texting each other. Him and I have a TON of stuff in common and I can tell that he is a super sweet guy. (after dating complete @ssholes it was very refreshing) We became friends on facebook and he is not what I expected. He weighs I would guess around 500 lbs. He has a really cute face (haven't we all heard that one before, i feel ashamed for saying it), . I asked my friend from high school if he was trying to lose weight or get healthy and she said he was not and she was worried about his health.

I want to state that I am far from a superficial person, but I do worry about getting involved with him, especially at the point I am in my life, trying to get healthy and lose this weight. I feel like he might be hinder to my success. I know I must have self control and be around people that eat unhealthy things and still make the right choice, but it would definitely make it harder. Also, when I get to a healthy weight, I want to go out and do all the things I couldn't do, like roller coasters, and vacations and I want someone who can share that with me.

Another thing I thought of is that perhaps if him and I started talking more, he might see the changes I have made and want to get involved in trying to work out, but I know to not hold my breath. People have to make their own decision on when the right time is for them to make a change and get to where they want to be. But I would much rather date a heavy nice guy, than a mean skinny guy any day.

I need advice!

There's no rule book that says you have to immediately begin dating just because you've been getting to know one another and have some things in common. Be honest with him and tell him that you have these goals and that you're concentrating on bettering yourself right now and you need to make sure that dating ANYONE new wouldn't derail your efforts. Suggest taking things slow and becoming friends first so that you can get to know his lifestyle and HIS goals for the future before committing to a relationship.

myofibril

I should clarify OP that I do not mean to criticise you for making a decision which is based on her desire to lead a healthy and positive life. Of course you should act in the way which is best for you.

Just please bear in mind that people are individuals and sometimes what is on the outside may not be a true reflection of how they may act. It may give you certain pointers obviously and it would be foolish to ignore that. I accept that.

As you were....

ShannonMichelle1985

It all comes down to if you really like him or not.... If you do go for it and if your not sure. Then tell him you just want to be friend for now. Once your good friends yall can talk and get to know each other more and be able to talk about weight stuff. No need to rush in to things. Just be his friend for awhile and if you truly end up having feeling for him you wont care if he is over weight.

kayla7jackson

Hello,

Thanks for sharing your concerns. First and formost, you need to be completely honest with him. Tell him exactly what you wrote here but make sure he knows that you are just concerned about yourself falling off track being around someone who doesnt have a goal like you do.

I do understand your concern but from the other end. I was the heavy one and my boy friend was the healthier one and he was fit and would workout on a normal basis. This was encouraging for me personally, it made me a little self concious that I was the heavier one in the relationship and I worked to eat better and workout to lose some weight not only because of the appearance but because I know in the long run I am going to encounter some health issues if not and that is a concern for both of us for me.

I hope this helped.

Kayla

Kelley528

You need to be able to share all aspects of your life together. It is not shallow of you for wanting to be with someone capable of doing the same things/activities. It's no different than choosing not to be with a partner because one of you wants kids and the other doesnt or one of you is a party animal and the other has a more settled life. You need to move and grow together ( or shrink together in your case otherwise one of you will be left behing. In this case it would be him.

How is a relationship suppose to last in the long term if you are both on different paths?

You are better off not getting involved with this guy now.

xNJAx

Do you have to go from “strangers” to “dating” straight away?

What if you took the pressure off yourselves and just started getting to know each other as friends without any expectation of where it might lead?

You can still go out and do things together without having to call it dating. That way, as you get to know each other you’ll no doubt (at some point) have a natural opportunity to discuss what you’ve been doing to change your lifestyle and why, and at the same time find out where he stands on the subject without it having to be an awkward conversation.

If it turns out that he really doesn’t want to get healthier or it seems that he will hold you back from reaching your goals (not just your weight loss goals, but your personal goals of going on rollercoasters etc), then you don’t have to take it any further than friendship. On the other hand, if he turns out to be your ideal man and decides to take your example, you’ll have a solid base of friendship to blossom from and you’ll be able to support him having done so well yourself.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you!

jennifer907

I think it wouldn't hurt to just start off as friends. You two can go places together and it will give you a chance to gauge how active he is and what he enjoys doing. If you suggest something more active, would he be quick to turn it down? No need to rush into a relationship, but I wouldn't avoid an otherwise seemingly good man just because of weight. If you are honest to him about it, I think you'll know pretty early on if he wants to change. Your friend may see that he doesn't *do* anything to change, but maybe he does want to, it just takes a while to get going. I also don't think being with him would derail your progress. If he only invites you out to eat at unhealthy places, then just say you're trying to make healthier choices.

mamamc03

Getting in a relationship thinking your are going to change him, what could possibly go wrong?

Thanks for the great advice! lol

He has a great point though. You CANNOT go in with a mission to change him. I think it's not a bright idea. Unless you think you could spend your life with him....dont. This is a red flag. While big people deserve love too...you need someone that is equally yoked in all aspects of life.

msshiraz

I'd be honest with him about your concerns. Let him know you really like him, and would consider dating, but you are working towards a healthier lifestyle, including weight loss. This is a part of who you are. Ask him how he feels about that? Maybe he'll want to do it with you. But, I'd be prepared to be sabtaged as well- often those who are in an unhealthly lifestyle will unknowingly sabotage your workout plans, your eating, because they are not making those changes.

Be his friend first if you can, as you are now. (I hate to give relationship advice, but since this is about your weight loss-I'll put my 2 cents in). There is no harm in slowing things down, this is a good question, and this can really impact your lifestyle. I like how it was said by another, do you want to get romantically involved with someone at this weight if they have no interest in getting healthy? If they don't, they are lining themselves up for an early death- and you wouldn't want that pain either

araromi2

I would never date a morbidly obese person who was not working to become healthier for several reasons:
1. If you don't take care of yourself...you won't take care of me
2.If I fell in love with this person would we have a future?
3.Im not interested in taking someone to the doctor for ailments related to obesity which could totally be avoided
4.I want children so what kind of example would he/she set for our children?

GeekGirl23

Agree with Fire_Rock. Going straight in with the mindset of "changing him" is not a good thing at all. Accept him for who he is or move on. You might motivate him to change his lifestyle, but that should be a bonus, not an expectation.

^^This! You can only change one thing and that is yourself. If you feel that it's a problem and he hasn't stated he is wanting to go down this path then keep him as a friend or let him go.

I'm finding it hard even with my husband to get him to do the changes for himself... I'm exhausted even.. so I've stopped trying. I cook meals and let him dish his own, I keep the fridge stocked with good food while he goes out and buys twinkies... I can't make the choice for him. I figure I'll be looking smokin hot and he'll either get in shape with me or have health problems and I'll be an early widow... once again I can't stress about it or make him do anything. But at least I'll be hot either way!

sho3girl

Go out, enjoy yourself, and see how it goes. If his habits hinder your healthy lifestyle then just be friends, if he decides he wants to join you then fantastic you have a compadre

^^ this

brevislux

If you're looking for a serious relationship then personally, it seems like a bad idea. Not because he'd have a bad effect on you - that's up to you. But because I wouldn't want to start something with someone who has a very good chance of dying before the age of 40.

NanzyBoek

Take it slow. It may be a good life long friend if nothing else. You can always back out later. Talk about postiive helathy changes and watch his reaction. You dont have to be commitied or marry him right off the bat. It sounds like you get a long so dont stress.. just take it slow and see what happens.

FlaxMilk

Many people gain weight in relationships. You are expressing worry that you will lose steam being with someone who isn't interested in changing unhealthy habits. It's a legitimate fear. I agree with the person who said that 300 or 500, there must be an unhealthy relationship with food. When someone has an addiction or abuses a substance, the advice is to often stop hanging out with the old crowd, change your habits. I think your fears of struggling too much with your own issues are valid. Food is a big part of many dating relationships--restaurants, hanging out together, making dinner together, going to the movies. With how available food is, stopping at the gas station can be an opportunity to get some snacks or even a meal. It's ok to put yourself first.

FlaxMilk

In my view it is about assumptions made about an obese man based on his appearance with very little information to support any of those assumptions other than "oh, that's what obese people must do or be like"

Maybe he will sabotage this lady's efforts.

Or maybe he won't. Maybe he'll be really supportive even though he doesn't follow that routine himself.

This is about the prejudice obese people suffer and nobody batting an eyelid.

I don't think people are worried that he will sabotage anything. I think people are discussing her fear that she will be unable to resist temptation in her own recovery if he is not wanting to change his lifestyle. Many of us struggle with temptation when someone else is eating something delicious whether we are underweight, normal weight, overweight, obese, or morbidly obese. In OP's case, she's not yet at a healthy weight. Her health has to come first, because that's all she can control.

By the way, OP, you are gorgeous.

NikLeighB

I would like to point out that not only obese people live unhealthy lifestyles. I was married to a Marine who was not overweight and he ate HORRIBLY which in turn caused me to eat horribly. (He did pay for the groceries.. I bought and cooked what he wanted).. During deployments I thrived and lost weight, when he came home I gained. I think it is more important to focus on someones lifestyle versus what their body looks like or the scale says if you are looking for someone who isn't going to hinder your weight loss. Sure just casually dating someone shouldn't interfere with your goals but what if that dating developed a serious relationship, living together or married. Eventually each others bad habits can rub off on each other. I personally won't date someone who does not lead a healthier lifestyle because I don't want to waste their time or mine. Sure one or two dates just to get out maybe but nothing past that... no matter how good they look or not. I find fitness and healthy eating attractive to me because that is what I want in my life. They could weigh more than me but if they workout, eat right and have goals there is nothing more sexy to me than that! I actually do like the idea more of a man who has struggled with their weight and worked to get where they are at versus someone who has just always had a good metabolism and eats junk all the time.

I will date someone who is on their journey too but not someone who is not already on it because I have no desire to change someone or fix someone. Just like I am a non smoker (I quit over 3 years ago) and I have no desire to be around or kiss a smoker.. even if they are "trying" to quit. It is just a personal preference and is not shallow, just my choice. I am also a sucker for dimples.. shallow? Nope.. just what I like. Don't feel bad about who you are and are not attracted to. It's not always skin deep when it comes to why you are concerned about their weight.

NikLeighB

..double post

NikLeighB

Many people gain weight in relationships. You are expressing worry that you will lose steam being with someone who isn't interested in changing unhealthy habits. It's a legitimate fear. I agree with the person who said that 300 or 500, there must be an unhealthy relationship with food. When someone has an addiction or abuses a substance, the advice is to often stop hanging out with the old crowd, change your habits. I think your fears of struggling too much with your own issues are valid. Food is a big part of many dating relationships--restaurants, hanging out together, making dinner together, going to the movies. With how available food is, stopping at the gas station can be an opportunity to get some snacks or even a meal. It's ok to put yourself first.

Advice like this is why I am looking to make new friends and even working out at new venues. I feel like my old friendships hinder my progress. We ultimately are in charge of what we eat but with any addiction it is hard when you are around others giving in. It gets very exhausting when people act like with food you can just eat it or not eat it. Sure.. ultimately yes, but that is easier said than done. With an alcoholic they can just avoid alcohol, with smokers, avoid cigarettes, with drugs, avoid drugs and the people who abuse those things. Food, you have to eat no matter what, so how do you avoid unhealthy food that you are not bringing into your home except limit your exposure to others who are bringing the unhealthy food around. Sometimes it is good to be selfish and when it comes to your health, I am learning the hard way that it is my time to be a little more selfish than I usually am.