Need some advice please!

dmc415

Hello all,

My girlfriend is an extreeemely picky eater and trying to get her to eat vegetables (or anything healthy for that matter) is a chore. She has gained about 50 pounds within the last 15 months or so and I calculated her calories out for her, she eats almost 2900 calories a day! (She is about 5'6, 187lbs) Most of the time it is less but it ranges between 2400-2900. And on top of it all, she does not exercise, at all. She won't even go for a walk with me. I've been trying to explain all of this to her, even shock treatment with the calorie amount, but she just gets depressed about her weight and won't do anything about it, despite my motivation or advice. I'm just not sure how else to do this or to get someone like her even halfway motivated. She's scared to death of change, even changing what she eats, but hates how her body looks now and complains about it constantly, and frankly as much as I love her, I'm getting sick of it. Anyone have any advice or had to deal with someone like this before?

SueGremlin

You cannot make her adapt to your diet wishes. In fact, your constantly pointing out her calorie intake to her probably makes her feel worse about herself.

Tell her that you are there to support her, that you find her attractive and love her at any weight, and let her make her own decisions. That is the only thing you can do.

amann1976

unlike men women dont need to workout or be healthy or whatever... if you and her split there will be a line of dudes waiting to get at her so unless she wants to do it on her own there is nothing you can do or say to make her

RDawn7

You have to just love her as she is, nagging her is not helping.

AntWrig

unlike men women dont need to workout or be healthy or whatever... if you and her split there will be a line of dudes waiting to get at her so unless she wants to do it on her own there is nothing you can do or say to make her

I had to read this twice, because I thought it was a joke, but this is correct.

Heather_Rider

unlike men women dont need to workout or be healthy or whatever... if you and her split there will be a line of dudes waiting to get at her so unless she wants to do it on her own there is nothing you can do or say to make her

WHAT?? ^ this is absurd. (the first part anyway...)

Anyway.. You cant force her to change, so unless you are willing to just stick with her and hope she changes on her own, and that may never happen then you better just break it off now!

Good luck!

blwalton70

As a woman myself, what I think would get her attention is to just do what you need to do. Follow your work out routines and count your calories. Make healthier lifestyle changes on your own and eventually she will come around on her own because she will see how heathly and happy you are doing what your doing. Speaking from experience: women know when they are fat, women notice when they aren't healthy and lastly, women don't want to hear from anyone else what they need to do to fix it. You just do you and she just might follow. Give her a kiss before you go out on a walk and don't ask her to go with you anymore and don't count her cals for her either.... one day you might find her asking you questions about MFP or she might ask you to go on a walk. Be patient.....

SueGremlin

unlike men women dont need to workout or be healthy or whatever... if you and her split there will be a line of dudes waiting to get at her so unless she wants to do it on her own there is nothing you can do or say to make her

I had to read this twice, because I thought it was a joke, but this is correct.

No it is not correct. The implication is that women don't have trouble dating. That is a ridiculous statement. Women have just as much trouble as men.

vintagesquirrel

I'm in the same boat with my boyfriend. He has gained dramatic weight over the last year, while I have lost dramatic weight. He has told me that he feels disgusting and he hates his body, especially since I have gotten so much thinner. I will always love him, no matter what he looks like, but I worry about his health. He constantly eats out with his friends and he will hardly look at a vegetable let alone eat one.

All I am doing is offering my support, my suggestions (very gently), and I am actually getting him a FitBit like mine as part of his Christmas present for extra motivation.

Don't make her think she's ugly because she's gained weight. Support her, love her, and gently nudge her from a health perspective. Plan dates where walking or other forms of physical activity is a part of it.

Maybe cook her dinner every once and awhile, and just make sure it is lean meats, vegetables etc... Be sneaky and lead by example. We women, we're sensitive creatures.

Menecairiel

As a woman myself, what I think would get her attention is to just do what you need to do. Follow your work out routines and count your calories. Make healthier lifestyle changes on your own and eventually she will come around on her own because she will see how heathly and happy you are doing what your doing. Speaking from experience: women know when they are fat, women notice when they aren't healthy and lastly, women don't want to hear from anyone else what they need to do to fix it. You just do you and she just might follow. Give her a kiss before you go out on a walk and don't ask her to go with you anymore and don't count her cals for her either.... one day you might find her asking you questions about MFP or she might ask you to go on a walk. Be patient.....

I agree with this. You follow what you want, and do it. But let her come around at her own time. If she complains about her weight, you can say that there's ways of changing that, but don't elaborate. She will get the message eventually, but she has to make the decision.

OnyxPenguin82

Go grocery shopping together! Make healthy dinners together! Park farther away when you go places, and walk together. Support her! She will come around. Let her know you love her and that you want her to be around for a long time! Get her to try different food items. Set little goals for her, like maybe eating under a certain amount of calories per meal...per day... per week etc.

riotshows

It has been my experience that husbands and boyfriends that try to direct their wives or girlfriends eating and exercise routines get
the opposite of what they are hoping to accomplish. It will not make her feel good about herself and she will feel that you are not
attracted to her...hence..do not really love her. She will get depressed and eat more. She will get larger and she now will feel aweful.

She cannot lose the weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle for you....she must do it for herself. If you are not attracted to her..let her
go, you would be doing her a huge favor.

RobynLB

Break up.

Sounds like that's where you're headed. She's not happy with herself, you're not happy, this isn't just about food or weight or lifestyle, you are spinning your wheels.

PJilly

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

You can't change someone else. Love and accept her the way she is. If you can't do that, move on.

SideSteel

IMO: Leave or get over it.

stbrad6896

All you can really do is lead by example. Show her the healthy way you eat, don't eat crap food with her or you'll only encourage it. If she wants ice cream let her eat it herself... try to find ways to cook so that you can slowly introduce some veggies. Does she like ANY? because you could find more meals that include what she does like, then slip in small amounts of new things here and there. Vegetables really are an acquired taste and your taste buds are constanly changing. I used to be a very picky eater as well but I forced myself to learn to like vegetables and salads and now I love them! Same thing goes with exercise - you can only do it yourself and hope she sees your hard work paying off and decides to join in. Maybe you could try to get her to walk with you as a sort of "romantic" or quality time type of thing. Pack a little picnic with fruits/cheese/nuts and walk to a park or a clearing? I don't know that might not be your thing but if you can make it more exciting and less like exercise maybe she'll be more open to it. I don't particulary LIKE to exercise either (though I do feel GREAT afterwards....) so a lot of times I do wii fit because it's fun! Zumba classes are really fun to. If she had a girlfriend to go with her they could have lots of fun and it's a great workout..... I feel your pain though. My boyfriend complains all the time about his shape/health and he eats like crap and doesn't do anything about it... so all I can do is lead by example. But I do all the grocery shopping so in a way I force him to eat relatively healthy @home lol. good luck!

boatsie77

In this scenario she doesn't have the problem--YOU do. You've given her the information she needs to find her way to get healthy, you've offered to support her should she decide to take that road. She's well aware of what she's doing to herself--the last thing she needs is someone she loves hounding her to get healthy. If she makes this change 'for you' she more likely than not will be setting herself up for failure. When she is ready to stop suffering, she will take steps to get healthy and will appreciate your help and support. It's possible that may not happen for sometime--or ever.

What you need to do is some soul-searching to see if you are willing to stand by her side no matter what. If staying with her is bringing you down and causing you to resent her (and give her grief about her weight and eating habits), then you are both better off on your own. But if you truly love and care for the person she is deep down inside, you'll stay with her and just work on your own health and wait for the day she decides to do the same (if ever).

In reality, she doesn't have a 'food issue,' she has some deep pain that she is trying to comfort with food--so badgering her about her eating habits is only adding to the pain. Maybe you have an idea about why she is using food as a drug--and it's not because she gets depressed over being fat (that's the symptom, not the cause). If you know what problems she's going through, it would be better to help her through that, and once those things are sorted out, she'd be more able to cope with life without using food to push away the pain.

I pray that you both find the answers that will make your lives joyous and peaceful soon.

PS: There are thousands of women who would die for the chance of having a supportive partner/spouse during their efforts to a healthy lifestyle--for this I commend you--but the keyword is 'support' and that is a very fine line to walk.

Retiredmom72

I am glad you care enough about her to seek advice, but you can't make her want it. You have to concentrate on you. It is a doubled-edged sword. As you get healthier, she will probably get more depressed. You have to stay strong.

Here is my advice. Tell her that you are going to stop making suggestions about her weight, but because you care you want her to be happy and healthy. My daughter actually told me something like, "Mom, I love you and just want you to be around as long as possible. If you want to join mfp, I will help you set up an account."

Don't give up on her yet.

Sarauk2sf

unlike men women dont need to workout or be healthy or whatever... if you and her split there will be a line of dudes waiting to get at her so unless she wants to do it on her own there is nothing you can do or say to make her

lolwut?

Also, you probably missed it, but the OP is a female - I doubt her GF wants a line of dudes lining up!

xcureanddisease

unlike men women dont need to workout or be healthy or whatever... if you and her split there will be a line of dudes waiting to get at her so unless she wants to do it on her own there is nothing you can do or say to make her

This is the worst advice or statement i've read my entire time on this website... YES it is just as hard for a woman to find a date. I can prove that with numbers.. I was 1 of the 60 or so employees at a dating company named PLENTY OF FISH and let me tell you, its rough for both, equally.

Anyways, yea dont nag her. She will come around, just as I did.

Cranktastic

unlike men women dont need to workout or be healthy or whatever... if you and her split there will be a line of dudes waiting to get at her so unless she wants to do it on her own there is nothing you can do or say to make her

lolwut?

Also, you probably missed it, but the OP is a female - I doubt her GF wants a line of dudes lining up!

heh

redheaddee

My hubby is currently in the same boat as the result of an inguinal hernia surgery (lower ab area). It significantly limited activity for a bit, and now he is not in the shape he likes to be in. He has always been physically active, and admittedly the situation is a bit different here. However, I finally had to say to him "Honey, I adore you and support you regardless, but if you are not going to DO something about it, than I don't want to HEAR about it." For me, it's like b!tching about who is President, but you did not cast a vote. Not only did he stop complaining about his weight, but he has started doing cardio again (he has no excuse, and neither do I. We own an elliptical.)
.
It's called tough love. And if she gets pissy about it, than it's on her. You cannot make other people change, they can and will only do it for themselves

dmc415

Believe me I don't point this out to her all the time, only when she asks me for help. And I also tell her how beautiful she is everyday so please don't think these are my diet wishes. I'm just trying to help her but it's hard when she's that picky.

dmc415

unlike men women dont need to workout or be healthy or whatever... if you and her split there will be a line of dudes waiting to get at her so unless she wants to do it on her own there is nothing you can do or say to make her

In case you didn't realize, I'm a girl so this comment is just ridiculous to me lol

kittyhorn

**LIKE**

dmc415

Ok I will say, after re-reading my original post I definitely came across as a nagging *kitten* of a partner, but the reality is she asks me for the fitness/calorie/nutritional info. when she wants to, I never shove it down her throat. I had a lot of weight issues growing up so I would never do that to anyone else because I know how much it sucks. I do love her with all my heart and accept her 100% for who she is, I just want her to be healthy. I think my original post turned into more of a venting session because what I really hate is when I give her the advice she asks for but then she never takes it.

EvgeniZyntx

IMHO, She's only asking for a comforting ear and most likely not really solutions. You can help her find them or you can deliver them all wrapped up in a bow. Unless she finds them, she's less likely to implement them.

It's a bit of pseudo-psychology but I find this to be very true when it comes to health, fitness ad a variety of other long term personal commitments.

valeriebpdx

Set little goals for her, like maybe eating under a certain amount of calories per meal...per day... per week etc.

if my other half ever set calorie goals for me, I would kill him as he slept.

axialmeow

Not much you can do except be supportive until she is ready to get healthier. And STOP COUNTING HER CALORIES. It doesnt help.

KrazyAsianNic

Hm.. Picky people are hard to feed. My advice would be to find her favorite food adn try to make a healthier version.

My boyfriend's not too picky. He will eat what I cook. I have got him into veggies by roasting them with some olive oil and seasonings. He too wants to lose some wieght, and when I find a recipie like cauliflower pizza, he wants to try it because it sounds interesting.

If she like pasta, I find that adding a lot of veggies into the sauce helps. In almost all my pastas, I add regular marinera in a pan that has already cooked onion, bell peppers, mushrooms, carrots, broccoli.. .any veggie you think will go well.

HypersonicFitNess

Uh yeah...you cannot MAKE her change her habits or change her ways. She will have to change on her own. You can present the facts, present the alternatives....but at the end of the day (sorry) SHE is the only one that can make the change for herself.