Has anyone else dealt with the unsupportive husband/wife?
ncruso24
Posts: 37 Member
Hello, I'm new to mfp. I lost about 5 lbs before and now I am continuing my 'journey' here. I have found wonderful support on here but my husband is less than helpful. He refuses to admit that I've lost any weight while I have lost about about 13 lbs so far. Also, he brings out pies and cakes and chocolates all the time, which he knows is my weakness. Furthermore! He sits there and complains how he's not losing weight himself and how hard he is working but he eats McDonald's and bagels with extra cream cheese and the sweets I mentioned! When I offer to do my diet with him he continually says no. It would be so helpful to have a diet buddy and we could get healthy together. . . WHY THE HELL NOT!? Ugh, I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?
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Replies
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Does he want a chubby wife?? My husband wants a skinny wife so i finally had to say if you want me to be skinny you need to help me out by NOT buying oreos, NOT buying huge pizzas etc. My husband eats like a cow but eventually became more accomodating to my different eating habits and stopped offering the sweets.
and the cherry on top... a couple weeks ago he weighed himself and found he gained a bunch of weight! bwa haha ha! look who's watching what he eats now!
In all honesty, just try to be blunt w/ him tell him you have goals and you want to be successful and you need him to stop hurting your success.
good luck!0 -
I have not had this problem with a husband, but have dealt with (ALOT) with friends, family, and roommates. I break it into 2 categories: 1) people who literally are in denial and have no idea that their food choices and lifestyle are making them fat, and 2) people who just don't care or aren't willing to give up what they like to make changes to better themselves.
In both instances, I find that ignoring them and persevering is the best option. It sucks, but you may have to go it alone for awhile. If your husband doesn't understand that crappy food choices are making him fat, maybe seeing you lose weight NOT eating that stuff will finally bring him to his senses. And if he doesn't care enough to better himself, that's his issue, that he has to work out on his own. You might have to deal with his jealousy as you start to look better - ignore it (in fact his comment that you haven't lost any weight might be his jealous way of trivializing your success).
I'm sorry you don't have support, but you seem very driven and you have successful so far. Keep up the good work! Maybe when your husband see's his hot thin wife he'll get his butt in gear!0 -
you cant make him do it with you. just say no to the goodies as best as you can cuz that will discourage him from buying them when he realizes you wont eat them. it is very difficult when they want stuff you are trying to stay away from. this is your deal not his. you have to be strong for you. buy healthy treats so you can indulge in those when he wants pie. the chocolate yougurt, fat free puddings, popcorn, fudgesickles help. good luck!0
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Mostly unhelpful responses will be found on here... the most popular will be this:
Dump him.
But in all honesty -- if they're not supportive of you in this endeavor, what will they be supportive of? When you have the answer to that, I think you'll figure out what you need to do.0 -
While I can't speak for him refusing to acknowledge your weight loss (that's just a mean thing for him to do!), I can say that it may not be that he isn't *supportive* persay as he is just not *on board with you* concerning your healthy lifestyle.
My boyfriend does not count calories, watch his food, exercise, or any of that. He will be receptive to listening to me talk about what I need and oblige by tallying up the nutritional info of what he cooks and whatnot, but he continues to bring home his snacks, his candy, his soda, and his chocolate. The best I can ask for is for him to keep his food on his side of the apartment (it's a very small apartment) and I just stay the hell out of his area while I am learning moderation.
He is not trying to sabotage me. He is simply not doing what I am doing. They are two different things.
That said, it really is frustrating when they complain about their weight while actively engaging in unhealthy behaviors. He will go on about his weight and then suggest McDonald's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner on any given day. The best thing I've found is to actually NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, offer him to join me in my health plan. That pressures him and will only stall him further. Lead by example, monkey see, monkey do.
(It also saves me the aggravation of feeling like my well-given advice is being rejected - which saves sooooo much stress!)0 -
You can only do so much trying to convince another person to do things..
In my case I was so determined I didn't let my husband's habits influence me. He was always in great shape so he didn't see the need to stop bringing coke and sweets into the house. But it was ok - somehow I got into this mentality where I eventually stopped being tempted and did my own thing. It even got to the point where I cooked him his own dinner and I ate something else that meshed with my goals lol
Good luck! I'm sure you can figure something out
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Oh, my husband does this as well... he often says he wants to be healthy and do what it takes, but then when I offer to help or suggest we go to the gym together, etc. he either says no, or does it and hates it.
Guess what, though? We're two individual people. And does it mean he's not supportive of me and my goals? No, in fact, he is very supportive. Do I tell him he's lazy and worthless and unsupportive because he won't do it with me? Heck no. How many times did I have friends or relatives who asked me to get on board with them after complaining about it, and I still never did?
You have to realize a couple of things:
1) You have to do this for YOU. Not for somebody else. The same way he has to decide to do it for himself, and not for you, if he's going to do it.
2) Your husband isn't always going to be on board with or have the same goals or hobbies as you, and vice versa. Be your own person, get some girl friends.
3) You're just going to make it worse for both of you if you harp on this and don't just let it go.
4) If what you're really upset about is that you'd like to spend more time with him or have something you both can get into together, and it is NOT fitness and/or health..... well, find something else to do together. Relationships take work, trial and error... and you're part of the equation.0 -
Hello, I'm new to mfp. I lost about 5 lbs before and now I am continuing my 'journey' here. I have found wonderful support on here but my husband is less than helpful. He refuses to admit that I've lost any weight while I have lost about about 13 lbs so far. Also, he brings out pies and cakes and chocolates all the time, which he knows is my weakness. Furthermore! He sits there and complains how he's not losing weight himself and how hard he is working but he eats McDonald's and bagels with extra cream cheese and the sweets I mentioned! When I offer to do my diet with him he continually says no. It would be so helpful to have a diet buddy and we could get healthy together. . . WHY THE HELL NOT!? Ugh, I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?
This is the problem with getting married so early. Usually one or the other or both!! hasnt matured yet.....or will. So sometimes it ends up in a toxic relationships ie: Unsupportive etc...
Leave him come with here BEERRUNNER I will be your biggest, most awesomely tanned cheerleader......we shall work out, together!:bigsmile:0 -
I think it would be much healthier for you both to stop dieting and start living a healthier lifestyle, diet has the word die in it. Just an FYI lol.
On another note, I have went through the unsupported spouse. My husband use to be awful. I have my weaknesses, and still after I've lost 123 lbs, he'll do the things your husband does by bringing out the foods, however I've learned how to flex my will power, he may not be ready, but I was ready and I went on. No matter how much he brings it out, it is up to me to eat it or not. I eat what I know I need to eat and only eat till full. He will offer me things all the time, if I take a bite of something I have usually made room in my day for it. I don't deprive myself but I don't let myself have things that I know will be a set back for me either.
I wish all my husband did was just bring the food out. We had a blow out about a year ago when I was at my wits ends and wanted to go see a weight loss doctor. We ended up in a huge fight because he called me a fat lazy something or other. He told me if I wanted to lose weight I need to just get up off my fat lazy *kitten* and do it and stop having to waste money on things like a doctor. Mostly all this came about because he wanted to spend money that I'd use for the doctor on a game. He thought by telling me all this I'd either not lose weight or lose weight. I don't know what was going through his head. After I started losing weight, he started in with the "You're losing weight so you can leave me, aren't you?" I told him if I was going to leave him I would have done it already fat or skinny, that don't matter.
So honestly him bringing out food doesn't bother me. He complains he's put on weight, but he won't workout with me, he won't eat like me or learn to count calories. He just wants his games and his food. I mean whatever, I'll keep doing my thing because it's made me happier.0 -
Hello, I'm new to mfp. I lost about 5 lbs before and now I am continuing my 'journey' here. I have found wonderful support on here but my husband is less than helpful. He refuses to admit that I've lost any weight while I have lost about about 13 lbs so far. Also, he brings out pies and cakes and chocolates all the time, which he knows is my weakness. Furthermore! He sits there and complains how he's not losing weight himself and how hard he is working but he eats McDonald's and bagels with extra cream cheese and the sweets I mentioned! When I offer to do my diet with him he continually says no. It would be so helpful to have a diet buddy and we could get healthy together. . . WHY THE HELL NOT!? Ugh, I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?
This is the problem with getting married so early. Usually one or the other or both!! hasnt matured yet.....or will. So sometimes it ends up in a toxic relationships ie: Unsupportive etc...
Leave him come tih here BEERRUNNER I will be your biggest, most awesomely tanned cheerleader......we shall work out, together!
How YOU doin?0 -
Just keep doing what you're doing. It's hard to live with someone who's less than supportive but you have to do this for you.
Have an adult conversation with him, if you have then have it again. If he doesn't want to change his lifestyle right now [or ever] then so be it; but there's no reason he can't acknowledge your achievements and try not to sabotage your success.
Good luck.0 -
I'm not saying he's unsupportive because he doesn't want to join a gym with me. He taunts me with my favorite food. While he thinks it's funny and harmless I find it mean spirited. I've been married for 5 years I know what a relationship takes.. I just wanted advice on how to be strong enough to say no to the sweets he waves in my face.0
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My boyfriend isn't really supportive
I don't nag him or anything - just do my own thing. But, I plan on going to Mexico to get the gastric sleeve and he doesn't want me to... Which is odd seeing as how he's half Mexican. I don't want to leave him behind! 0 -
I'm not saying he's unsupportive because he doesn't want to join a gym with me. He taunts me with my favorite food. While he thinks it's funny and harmless I find it mean spirited. I've been married for 5 years I know what a relationship takes.. I just wanted advice on how to be strong enough to say no to the sweets he waves in my face.
Yeeaaaa taunting you and encouraging you to fail at something you are trying to do.....thats kinda unsopportive. just sayin.0 -
monkey see, monkey do.
This is just about the most epic thing ever.0 -
In general you have limited options:
1. Deal with it. It's annoying, but you can't put a gun to his head.
2. Put a gun to his head. Ok so, I lied. It's totally not legal, and I suggest not doing it. Guns are for killing delicious woodland creatures, not people.
3. If he refuses to comply with your request, you can leave him. Is leaving your husband because he refuses to stop waving sweets in your face a bit silly? Yeah. Then again, refusing to stop waving sweets in someone's face when they've politely asked you to stop might be considered a little silly too.
4 Try to continue to convince him that you'd really rather that he not do that. It's your call on how futile you think this effort will be.0 -
Mostly unhelpful responses will be found on here... the most popular will be this:
Dump him.
But in all honesty -- if they're not supportive of you in this endeavor, what will they be supportive of? When you have the answer to that, I think you'll figure out what you need to do.
MaryPat is so right.0 -
You can always taunt him with something HE wants. And then doesn't get. Might be immature but it sounds like it might speak to him,..0
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Honestly, my thoughts are "If you don't his responses, then don't give him information about how much you have lost or what you don't want to eat"
Just do your thing and let him do his.
Next time he waves food in your face , take a huge bite! He,ll be upset because it was meant for him to eat and realize it no longer is something to taunt you about.. THEN the next day go for a jog to offset it if you need to.
I have been married over 20 years. I have always tried to eat healthy, avoid too much junk, exercise, etc. (I was here to lose some medical issue weight, but am now maintaining )
My husband eats junks, doesn't work out, buys chocolate and doughnuts,etc. to have at the house.
He doesn't cheer me on, but doesn't belittle my efforts either.
I am a big girl and I can choose to say no to treats or go on an extra jog. I do not need a cheer leader. So I am fine that he is "neither here nor there" when it comes to supporting my fitness.0 -
Part of me wants to focus on how unkind and unsupportive your husband is being. But the reality is that it may be as simple as this: he's not ready to focus on his own lifestyle and intentionally or not is willing to sabotage your efforts. Odds are good that you're on MFP because you haven't always lived a healthy lifestyle in the past. Why didn't you do it two years ago? Probably weren't ready. Now you're wanting to eat right and exercise - fantastic! Do it! No one can stop you except yourself. Your husband can't. The tempting food commercials on TV can't. Your co-workers and friends and relatives can't even if they eat your favorite foods inches from your face. Only you can do it and only you can quit.
My wife has been generally supportive in the sense that she's thrilled I'm losing a lot of weight. But she hasn't changed her eating habits much at all. The rest of the family pretty much eats the same old stuff we also ate - too much pizza, carry-out chinese, and high-fat, high processed foods. She is buying fewer chips, and trying to hide her candy from the girls, but not much has really changed. Every day, every meal I have to prepare my own food - and most nights I have to get dinner for the rest of the family because my wife works too and is going to grad school. I admit that while I try sometimes to get the rest of the family to eat what I eat, they pretty much aren't happy unless I grab them a pizza or chipotle or chinese or make their favorite dishes. I do believe that my eating habits are slowly having an impact on the family. But the fact is that I consciously had to decide early on that I was going to do whatever it takes to eat right, even if that meant that I had to go to the grocery store and cook two meals or go pick up something I've always loved (e.g., tonight they're all have Indian food - my favorite!) and watch the rest of the family eat it while I eat a grilled chicken breast and a salad with a tablespoon of salsa or red wine vinegar. And you know what: although I get tired having to make sure 8 people (and sometimes 9 or 10, including the boys' girlfriends) have something to eat and then cook for myself - there's nothing any of them can do or say that will make me stop eating right.
You'll know you're going to make it when you adopt the same attitude. As long as you choose to let your husband's or anyone else's food choices have any impact on your choices, you'll be less certain to make it. If you really want to reach your goals, it shouldn't be a hard decision to make. And once you make the decision, really make it, it gets really easy.0 -
I just wanted advice on how to be strong enough to say no to the sweets he waves in my face.
“It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t. It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.” ~James Gordon
I'm not saying this is an easy task, even for those who are ready, but it is important to note that this is your journey and not his. The key to will power is self determination.
Showing up and eating your favorite foods is not a big deal but taunting would be. It may take an action to get him to see you are serious. Consider accepting the food and throwing it away. Or you could just go about your business and not engage. First, however, I would try a mature discussion during a time when it isn't an issue. First, however, you have to stop trying to force the lifestyle on him if you want the same respect back.
Either way, you are in charge of your own journey. You aren't in charge of his and he doesn't control yours.0 -
I'm not saying he's unsupportive because he doesn't want to join a gym with me. He taunts me with my favorite food. While he thinks it's funny and harmless I find it mean spirited. I've been married for 5 years I know what a relationship takes.. I just wanted advice on how to be strong enough to say no to the sweets he waves in my face.
Grow a set gal. You know the answer. LOL0 -
You can always taunt him with something HE wants. And then doesn't get. Might be immature but it sounds like it might speak to him,..
Now wait a minute! Let's not get too damn hasty....0 -
Hmmm, go out and buy yourself a really sexy piece of lingerie. Hang it up prominently where he can see it and inform him that you will put it on when you have lost X number of pounds or reached whatever size and not before. I expect he will become quite supportive of your efforts when he has some motivation. You will also have to be clear with him regarding the right ways for him to help you with your goal It would not be fair to expect him to never have any snacks in your presence, but perhaps he could limit the the type to not include your favourites.0
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I kind of know what you are going through. Having the sweets in the house is tempting. I do my best to avoid them. Not that my wife is unsupportive, but anymore not helping with buying danishes and other things. But it is up to me to not eat them. I just have to stay focused. Now for him not to acknowledge that you lost weight is mean. Hopefully, he will see how hard you are trying and come around. Good luck to you!!0
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My husband is the same way that your husband is when it comes to bringing home all kinds of junk food, fast food, liquor etc. but I don't look at it as though he is trying to sabotage me. He is just doing what he has always done (since before I lost the extra weight). I am the one who went on the diet and decided to lose weight, I don't think that it would have been realistic for me to tell him to stop eating what he wants to eat or stop bringing it around because I am changing. I just had to develop more self control, which I did and everything worked out in the end.
As far as him not mentioning your weight loss, maybe he really doesn't notice. It is hard for me to notice my own weight loss when I see myself everyday, it takes pictures to really tell the difference. I think a change in mindset on your part is all that may be needed.0 -
Well, from the other perspective, I *was* the unsupportive "wife". And it came from a place of insecurity, jealousy, and fear of change. Stay strong, do what you need to do for your life and health, and he'll come around eventually, once he sees how it really is an amazing thing. Just try to understand that any change is hard, particularly if he feels that he can't participate with you.0
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If your husband wants to play that game I have a game you can play too.
Whatever offending food choice it is, take a serving, hell take two servings, you deserve it, portion it out on a plate, lick your lips and then throw it in the trash, it's your food, you can do what you want with it and they will stop playing that game fairly quickly.0 -
While I can't speak for him refusing to acknowledge your weight loss (that's just a mean thing for him to do!), I can say that it may not be that he isn't *supportive* persay as he is just not *on board with you* concerning your healthy lifestyle.
My boyfriend does not count calories, watch his food, exercise, or any of that. He will be receptive to listening to me talk about what I need and oblige by tallying up the nutritional info of what he cooks and whatnot, but he continues to bring home his snacks, his candy, his soda, and his chocolate. The best I can ask for is for him to keep his food on his side of the apartment (it's a very small apartment) and I just stay the hell out of his area while I am learning moderation.
He is not trying to sabotage me. He is simply not doing what I am doing. They are two different things.
That said, it really is frustrating when they complain about their weight while actively engaging in unhealthy behaviors. He will go on about his weight and then suggest McDonald's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner on any given day. The best thing I've found is to actually NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, offer him to join me in my health plan. That pressures him and will only stall him further. Lead by example, monkey see, monkey do.
(It also saves me the aggravation of feeling like my well-given advice is being rejected - which saves sooooo much stress!)
totally this!0 -
He may feel threatened by your desire to get healthy; he may question your motives. I don't know what kind of relationship the two of you have, but I suggest that you calmly tell him that his actions are hurting you, and you know that's not his intention. Hopefully, if you point it out to him, he'll stop. It is unrealistic to expect him to stop eating the foods you both enjoyed in the past; it may just "feel" like he's taunting you. If he is, your retaliating in a petty, childish manner as some would encourage, is never a good move in a marriage. Men and women perceive situations differently. I heard a preacher say one time that men will say or do something that they think has the impact of a paperclip, but a woman will feel it as a brick slamming into her. Sometimes, they just don't get it!!! I hope things get better for you. Good luck with your new, healthful lifestyle!0
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