Has anyone else dealt with the unsupportive husband/wife?

sunsnstatheart

You have made a decision to change your life and he's not there yet. Sometimes it just takes time. Keep doing what you're doing and work to get him in sync with you. My wife and I both love food, and cooking and eating out together has been a big part of what we do together. It took a few individual attempts by each of us before we finally synced up and started supporting each other rather than sabotaging each other. Just be patient and use lots of humor in dealing with his resistance. Guys pretty much hate being told what to do but humor is very effective - tell him how much you just love his hairy beer gut. I used to hear that one a lot.

Aemely

Married 18 years... :blushing: You are doing this for YOU not him, as mentioned by another commenter. You might not want to brag about your weight loss to him though, as he doesn't seem that receptive. Certainly, I don't complain to my husband about my own problems managing my eating, as there's little he can do to keep me from eating bad things! It's understandable that he might not acknowledge your weight loss if he's not in the right place to make a lifestyle change himself. Maybe he thinks you're trying to guilt him into losing weight? So, respect yourself, respect him (if you wish to stay with him), and do your thing to manage your own eating/exercising. Go to the evil restaurant that your husband wants to go to, but just be sure to stay away from the chips and dip. My husband has lost weight without me before, as I haven't been in a good place. Roles reverse over time.

Retrofitnessmike

Like really, he needs to chill out. Tell him to hit the gym or watch what he eats. He needs to support his wife!!!! SMH

AndyStanford

I've got a similar, although less extreme situation with my wife.

She knows she could do with losing some weight (and is actually lighter now than when our first son was conceived 4 years ago, so there has been progress for her along the way), and is generally supportive of my efforts, including noticing that my body shape has changed, or commenting on how well I'm doing at not overeating.

The problem I have though, is that one of the weaknesses for both of really is fast food. A lot of the time we simply don't have the motivation to cook, so we end up ordering in. This is generally twice a week, and we often eat out once a week too. This pretty much scuppers any chances of me having a healthy meal, and can easily turn what would have been a good day, food-wise, into a bad one.

Like I said, she says she wants to lose weight, but isn't ready to make any lifestyle changes to effect that yet (although despite all the take-away food and sweet snacks, she's still losing weight slowly, mainly due to breastfeeding), whereas I'm very consciously making an effort now.

It's tough, but I know it's not that she's being unsupportive, it's just that I'm taking a path she's not ready for. I suspect you're in a similar situation, and in time he'll become more supportive.

LethainIowa

The only non-support issue I have is my Mother..but that's another topic. As for your husband, I suspect he may not want you to lose weight because if you get slim, other men will notice you. He's probably insecure, especially if he is heavy. In the back of his mind he's probably thinking if you get all sleek and slim you're going to find somebody better. Men can be weird. As for him not losing weight.....he probably simply isn't motivated to do so. You can't make anyone do something they don't want to do for themselves.

campbellcjdm

Hello, I'm new to mfp. I lost about 5 lbs before and now I am continuing my 'journey' here. I have found wonderful support on here but my husband is less than helpful. He refuses to admit that I've lost any weight while I have lost about about 13 lbs so far. Also, he brings out pies and cakes and chocolates all the time, which he knows is my weakness. Furthermore! He sits there and complains how he's not losing weight himself and how hard he is working but he eats McDonald's and bagels with extra cream cheese and the sweets I mentioned! When I offer to do my diet with him he continually says no. It would be so helpful to have a diet buddy and we could get healthy together. . . WHY THE HELL NOT!? Ugh, I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

I have a chubby hubby and two teeneage boys. Wow - talk about temptations. I work full time, and my hubby does all the grocery shopping (simply because I just don't have time). So I have to be appreciative of what he purchases since he takes the time to do it. But I put the things "I" want on the list (salad stuff, protein bars, fresh fruit, etc.

Just a note as you go forward in your diet. The more you eat right (fill up on veggies and good-for-you food, the less likely you will "want" that other stuff. The only reason the body craves that stuff is because it is crying out for nutrition - we just happen to grab what is close. So plan ahead, plan healthy, indulge a little in the 'tempation' food, appreciate your husband, and do this for YOU becuase YOU want to feel better about YOU. (I have been married 24 years now, it works !! )

shabaam

Good Luck and I hope you find the support elsewhere, like the people on this site. I found support from friends, and online. My husband doesnt care much about exercise or eating healthy...so because I cook, I decided to make better choices for the both of us....less salt, whole wheat bread, more water, no soda, cut out chips and sweets at home..other than sugar free popsicles.

I also stopped going to fast food resturants, and started walking my dog moreso and playing kinect...all in all we both have lost weight, and he didnt have to try too hard...lol.

LCFulmer

You have made a decision to change your life and he's not there yet. Sometimes it just takes time. Keep doing what you're doing and work to get him in sync with you. My wife and I both love food, and cooking and eating out together has been a big part of what we do together. It took a few individual attempts by each of us before we finally synced up and started supporting each other rather than sabotaging each other. Just be patient and use lots of humor in dealing with his resistance. Guys pretty much hate being told what to do but humor is very effective - tell him how much you just love his hairy beer gut. I used to hear that one a lot.

What He said... you can tell the state of someone relationship based on their response. In regards to your "strength" you have to decide that you're simply not going to eat the stuff. We all know nagging, being mad, complaing to him and about him dosent' work. What do work is to show him support and love in his endeavors... be his helper while all along staying focus on what you set out to accomplish with your weight. Sow what you want to reap it works.

helenass

Hello!
I´m a family and couple´s therapist, and from this point of view there might be some more issues in your relationship that end up reflecting in this topic. Often when one of the partners decides to change something about their life (you) the other gets scared that he´ll be left behind, and unconsciously does things to sabotage the partner´s growth. It doesn´t mean he wants to harm you... deep down he´s probably afraid that you´ll get a boost of confidence and he might not be good enough for you anymore. The first thing I would recommend is respect yourself above all else... you´re doing this for you and your health (body and mind), so stick to your plan and focus. Second, stop trying to change him... if he wants to do this for him then great, but if he doesn´t you have to respect his choice.
Hope this helps, good luck!

Joanitude

I'm not saying he's unsupportive because he doesn't want to join a gym with me. He taunts me with my favorite food. While he thinks it's funny and harmless I find it mean spirited. I've been married for 5 years I know what a relationship takes.. I just wanted advice on how to be strong enough to say no to the sweets he waves in my face.

I tend to believe that if all the rational options don't work - try the irrational. I have a list of banned items...yes literally a written down list. If one does show up in the house for any reason it immediately gets smooshed (to the point that no one besides the dog will want to eat it) and goes outside to the trash can. Don't care why it were there, how much money was thrown out...just don't care. As far as I'm concerned, these specific items are some weird mutated spider disguise. I have no problem doing ANYTHING it takes to make spiders go away. Hubby got tired of me doing this to his treats and he now respects the banned list. He has plenty of other things he can bring in the house for treats, so he can eat as much junk as he wants I just don't have to join him. He has gotten good about checking the list before he goes out shopping. If he does bring something from the list home he makes real sure I never see it Rational, no. Effective, yes.

martintanz

I was that unsupportive spouse last year. This year, I am down over 30 lbs, and my wife is the one baking holiday cookies, making popcorn when we watch movies, and eating God knows what when I am not looking.

Just because you are married doesn't mean you are joined at the hip. Sometimes your motivation may be high while his may be low. Just stick to your program.

ColleenHollis

If your husband wants to play that game I have a game you can play too.

Whatever offending food choice it is, take a serving, hell take two servings, you deserve it, portion it out on a plate, lick your lips and then throw it in the trash, it's your food, you can do what you want with it and they will stop playing that game fairly quickly.

Ha Ha! That'll get the message through. You might want to warn him first though. "Listen, you know how hard I've been working at this but if you insist on tempting me here is what I will do in response...just letting you know."

DuhhMuffin

My boyfriend isn't exactly "unsupportive" but he is rather indifferent. When I ask him if I look any different (just started talking progress pics) he just says "I dunno." When he says "yes" he refuses to say how I look different.

sunsnstatheart

Focus on your own diet and what you are eating. Oh, and learn to say no. You are the one trying to change and if you want it bad enough you will. And if you stick with it, he may follow.

Pamwells

All I can say is you are telling my story. We can do it for ourselfs and become stronger in the end. Don't give up. You are worth it!!!

Danni3ll3

If your husband wants to play that game I have a game you can play too.

Whatever offending food choice it is, take a serving, hell take two servings, you deserve it, portion it out on a plate, lick your lips and then throw it in the trash, it's your food, you can do what you want with it and they will stop playing that game fairly quickly.

Ohhhh, I LIKE this idea!!!!

nosillanosilla

My fiance was kind of like this in the beginning. I just kept going and now he's enjoying the results of my hard work so he's more supportive

Brown_Eyed_Beauty

Oh, my husband does this as well... he often says he wants to be healthy and do what it takes, but then when I offer to help or suggest we go to the gym together, etc. he either says no, or does it and hates it.

Guess what, though? We're two individual people. And does it mean he's not supportive of me and my goals? No, in fact, he is very supportive. Do I tell him he's lazy and worthless and unsupportive because he won't do it with me? Heck no. How many times did I have friends or relatives who asked me to get on board with them after complaining about it, and I still never did?

You have to realize a couple of things:

1) You have to do this for YOU. Not for somebody else. The same way he has to decide to do it for himself, and not for you, if he's going to do it.

2) Your husband isn't always going to be on board with or have the same goals or hobbies as you, and vice versa. Be your own person, get some girl friends.

3) You're just going to make it worse for both of you if you harp on this and don't just let it go.

4) If what you're really upset about is that you'd like to spend more time with him or have something you both can get into together, and it is NOT fitness and/or health..... well, find something else to do together. Relationships take work, trial and error... and you're part of the equation.

Thank you. Makes perfect sense.

xxvogue

This isn't a matter of him simply not wanting to join the OP, this is downright mean. Period.

There's a difference between "being supportive" but separate, and being downright unsupportive.

You need to do you own thing OP, and no worry about what he says, but I'd certainly be angry if my significant other did this to me and I'd make that very clear. You can buy the sweets, but you wave them in my face? Unacceptable.

I'd make it very clear that it's not okay (in whatever way you feel is best), but if things didn't shape up, I'd be walking away.

But that's just my two (rather angry) cents.

Lisamb757

My husband is the same as the OPs husband.

He will bring me home chips, candy, fast food, and I have said no I do not want that etc. gets angry when I go to the gym, accuses me of things when I go actually! He gets mad when we go grocery shopping and i keep my food separate from his.

Eats junk, sits on his *kitten* all day and complains his pants don't fit lol.

I try to not let it get to me, but really the person I'm supposed to "be with the rest of my life" should probably not be so judging.

:explode:

clareBrewster80

My partner is very supportive, he bought me a new gym kit and everything, but as a skinny person who has spent his life with the opersite problem (putting on weight and keeping it on) he ha no idea about how hard it is to lose the weight and what a diet consists of. He will often bring home a bottle of wine or a couple of candy bars and we need to have healthy but highly calorific food in the house for him and my daughter to keep the weight on!.. I to be an overweight person in a skinny house is very infair. DIeting was so much simpler when I was young, free and single! Not that I would give up my family for anything.

KenosFeoh

Have you flat-out told him: cut it out!

You have to be very direct with men. They aren't good with hints.