Xmas Will Be Ruined By My Weight.

Graelwyn75

I had not checked my weight in about 10 weeks until tonight.
The reason? I had an emotional upheaval in October and spent about 5 or 6 weeks binge eating in a really major way, sometimes 7000 calories + a day. I also have issues with bulimia so it was not straight binge eating (and before you ask yes I do see someone about this).

I was under 126Ibs when I last checked.
Now, even with being back on track for much of the last month, I find I am at 132 Ibs and feel as if I don't deserve to eat and just generally totally repulsive. The sheer amount of food I must have inhaled to have gained as much as I must have gained leaves me feeling utterly disgusted with myself.

Granted, I am tall, but I was perfectly comfortable at 126Ibs and I had been around there for almost a year, give or take a few pounds.
I am now worried I am never going to be able to get back there, due to all that binging.
And I am dreading christmas. I just want to stay home alone so I can have total control over what I eat.
Instead I have to go to London and my mother, which involves meals out and being surrounded by crap.

I don't know how to calm myself right now and there isn't anyone I can share this with given the time of year.

RobynC79

Since you have a history of disordered eating, your distress at gaining 6 pounds is a little more understandable. Be prepared to get some unsympathetic replies though, since you are already slim and gained a relatively small amount.

Just try not to panic. 6 pounds is a very small gain in the scheme of things, and if you really want to lose it, you can. If Christmas is a very stressful time for you with food, though, I would consider employing whatever management and coping strategies you can to get through it, and then focus on your diet (along with 95% of the rest of the population!) after the new year.

quirkytizzy

Gaining only six pounds for months of over-eating speaks to having done some good for your body beforehand. Whatever you were doing beforehand it was enough to keep your body primed and well. A four pound gain is nothing - that could easily be water weight, sodium levels, hormones, wearing a different outfit when you're weighing yourself.

It sounds like the issues are inside - the feelings and panic that comes when you realize you've gained any weight, regardless of how little it is. That is harder to work through, especially having gone through such a recent trauma. It can be done, though - and needs to be, considering the level of terror you are experiencing v.s actual bodily damage you have done.

Graelwyn75

Since you have a history of disordered eating, your distress at gaining 6 pounds is a little more understandable. Be prepared to get some unsympathetic replies though, since you are already slim and gained a relatively small amount.

Just try not to panic. 6 pounds is a very small gain in the scheme of things, and if you really want to lose it, you can.

The 6 pounds is only what I still have to lose, having not checked in so long.
I will have gained a lot more than that, and to do so in such a short time and when I had worked so hard getting to my goal, is a horrible feeling. I think it would be rather awful for anyone, whether with a history of EDs or not, to have gained that much weight in such a short amount of time. And 6 Ibs is actually a lot. It takes 6 weeks + to lose that amount and I gained more than that in 6 weeks.

Graelwyn75

Gaining only six pounds for months of over-eating speaks to having done some good for your body beforehand. Whatever you were doing beforehand it was enough to keep your body primed and well. A four pound gain is nothing - that could easily be water weight, sodium levels, hormones, wearing a different outfit when you're weighing yourself.

It sounds like the issues are inside - the feelings and panic that comes when you realize you've gained any weight, regardless of how little it is. That is harder to work through, especially having gone through such a recent trauma. It can be done, though - and needs to be, considering the level of terror you are experiencing v.s actual bodily damage you have done.

As posted, I only just checked, I have no idea what it actually went to at its peak. I was too afraid to check. So 6 Ibs is simply what I still have left to lose after having a month back on track for the most part, with a few days of overeating here and there.

I am guessing I would have found at least a 10 Ib gain after those 6 weeks had I checked before now.
I worked out a lot before those 6 weeks, cycling and elliptical for an hour to 2 hours a day, with a day off each week.
And I ate a fairly clean diet, high in protein.
During the binging 6 weeks, I did no exercise at all for most of it.

I would not be bothered by 6 Ibs were it immediately after all that binging,
but it has now been 4-5 weeks since that period of my life, and I thought I would be closer to where I started by now.

4mydogs

I am so sorry you are going through this. My best advice is to forgive yourself for the past and the eating you did. I have beat myself up emotionally for years about my weight until I had a major health crisis and realized one of the reasons I was unsuccesful before was I was so hard on myself and had negative self-talk. Start right now and find one tjing about yourself you like and start each day saying you will eat healthy and treat your self well. I know it sounds kinda cheezy but it has changed my life, being kind to myself. You deserve it!

zen82

What coping strategies have you discussed with your therapist/counsellor? Now is the time to try and draw some deep breaths, be still and bring your blood pressure down. Being stressed is a physical state as well as a mental one and you'll find it a lot easier to be rational and practical about this if you can lower the levels of cortisol running around your body and relax a little. Do you have any relaxation exercises you can do when you feel the panic welling up? Because it sounds like you're winding yourself up into an ever tighter spring - I've done this (ED history myself) and this is still something I have to manage sometimes when I'm under stress (it does get easier though - stick with the therapy/treatment).

It's not clear from your post exactly how much you've gained, but in many ways that's immaterial. I suspect you'd be distressed over any gains, or even no gains, because the panic you're expressing seems to be coming from the feeling that you lost control. Remind yourself that the physical process of losing weight is a) possible, b) takes time, and c) is actually not the worst thing that can happen to a person, even though it can be distressing, especially when you're struggling with an ED. Be kind to yourself. This is meant to be a time of year for being with those you love and it can be bl**dy hard if there are any issues connected to spending time with family. All I can recommend is that you maybe look at how you can get in some walks or other exercise you enjoy that don't stress you out and are portable while you're in London, and try to enjoy the food that you do eat. Try to enjoy seeing your family, take time to talk and listen because they will not always be there.

The sensible way to lose any weight gained is reasonably slowly and without extreme methods or it'll just reinforce an elongated binge/purge cycle. Forgive yourself, talk to people (friends/professionals) you trust, do things you enjoy that relax you (read? Knit? Walk? Outdoor ice rinks? Museums?) while you're away, and revisit the food and exercise regime for new year. If you feel utterly awful, don't forget you can call the Samaritans in the UK - they're for anyone in need of someone to listen.

astrampe

You are 5'10 and weigh 136..... It is actually close to being under weight for someone that tall - and perfectly healthy Either talk to a professional about your panic over 6lbs, your distorted body image and all the other issues....or go volunteer in a soup kitchen somewhere over the holidays....
There are people who don't have any food this Christmas, there are people in mourning over lost and killed family members, there are people who struggle with terminal disease right now....And I am not being mean, just putting your panic over 6lbs into perspective....

Graelwyn75

What coping strategies have you discussed with your therapist/counsellor? Now is the time to try and draw some deep breaths, be still and bring your blood pressure down. Being stressed is a physical state as well as a mental one and you'll find it a lot easier to be rational and practical about this if you can lower the levels of cortisol running around your body and relax a little. Do you have any relaxation exercises you can do when you feel the panic welling up? Because it sounds like you're winding yourself up into an ever tighter spring - I've done this (ED history myself) and this is still something I have to manage sometimes when I'm under stress (it does get easier though - stick with the therapy/treatment).

It's not clear from your post exactly how much you've gained, but in many ways that's immaterial. I suspect you'd be distressed over any gains, or even no gains, because the panic you're expressing seems to be coming from the feeling that you lost control. Remind yourself that the physical process of losing weight is a) possible, b) takes time, and c) is actually not the worst thing that can happen to a person, even though it can be distressing, especially when you're struggling with an ED. Be kind to yourself. This is meant to be a time of year for being with those you love and it can be bl**dy hard if there are any issues connected to spending time with family. All I can recommend is that you maybe look at how you can get in some walks or other exercise you enjoy that don't stress you out and are portable while you're in London, and try to enjoy the food that you do eat. Try to enjoy seeing your family, take time to talk and listen because they will not always be there.

The sensible way to lose any weight gained is reasonably slowly and without extreme methods or it'll just reinforce an elongated binge/purge cycle. Forgive yourself, talk to people (friends/professionals) you trust, do things you enjoy that relax you (read? Knit? Walk? Outdoor ice rinks? Museums?) while you're away, and revisit the food and exercise regime for new year. If you feel utterly awful, don't forget you can call the Samaritans in the UK - they're for anyone in need of someone to listen.

I don't know what I gained total, as I avoided checking until tonight. I wanted to give enough time for it to drop back down, but I obviously gained a lot more than I had expected. Given I am still 132 Ibs after about 6 weeks of being back in exercise and watching my food (though I have had a few binges since), I am guessing I went up to around 140 or so at the peak.

It is frightening, of course it is, to know I can gain that amount in such a short space of time. I mean, I have been told I would never be overweight and am not built that way, but if I can gain 14Ibs + in the space of 6 weeks, I obviously could become overweight very easily. After being between 123 and 128 for a year, with relative ease, I am shocked to see that number now. I had expected being back to working out hard and eating better would have dropped me back to where I was, or at least closer.

I now feel I am going into a nightmare, as christmas involves more eating, and I am going in weighing more than I did last year by over 7 Ibs. That is a lot. I would have thought to anyone 7 Ibs is a lot of weight. Especially to have gained in such a short space of time. There was no intention for me to gain weight, therapist does not feel a need for me to gain weight. I should not have left it so long before checking, to be honest.

I like playing games, I used to cross stitch a lot, I read. My exercise in London will be limited as my mother gets funny about it due to my past. I have a multi gym membership and there is a gym there I can use on the 24th, 27th and 28th but on xmas day I will annoy my mum if I exercise, and boxing day, I will only be able to walk. I have books of bodyweight exercises and I have some resistance bands I have not tried yet.

It just seems such a waste, after all the work I put in, to be halfway back to where I started.
I feel such a failure and so utterly greedy. It is frightening to know you are able to binge eat to that severe a degree, just because of an emotional upheaval.

Graelwyn75

You are 5'10 and weigh 136..... It is actually close to being under weight for someone that tall - and perfectly healthy Either talk to a professional about your panic over 6lbs, your distorted body image and all the other issues....or go volunteer in a soup kitchen somewhere over the holidays....
There are people who don't have any food this Christmas, there are people in mourning over lost and killed family members, there are people who struggle with terminal disease right now....And I am not being mean, just putting your panic over 6lbs into perspective....

Just because someone has issues with weight gain, does not mean they are unaware of the problems of the rest of the world. And that is not a correct way to respond, everyone has their issues to deal with, and they don't disappear with the knowledge others are suffering. You do not know my background or the reasons for why I am the way I am, and to say that to someone, leaving them feeling guilty for having their own, very different battles to fight, is not very fair.

zen82

Hearing the panic in your posts, I wonder if you could try to challenge yourself on some of what you're saying. From experience, i know that can be very hard to do, but it is not impossible. Since you don't know what you gained, or where you peaked, I wonder whether in the grand scheme of things if you're sure it's that which matters? It probably isn't, even if it is the numbers you're fixating on right now. You almost certainly have an idea of the triggers and causes from your therapy sessions so again, I would suggest thinking about the sorts of coping mechanisms you can use which are not going to plunge you further into a panic spiral.

All you have to go on is where you are right now. And where you are right now, if you really try to cut through the panic and sit with the facts, is not that bad. It feels bad, but that's the ED gremlins' faults. Some of what you're measuring by looking at weight could be hormonal, fluid/salt related, etc. bodies fluctuate, women generally more so than men. You know this. You may even have plateaued during the time you weren't measuring... But really, it does not matter now. What matters is the feeling if distress you're experiencing that's contributing to the emotional upheaval you're in which is making you more worried about eating etc.

Again, thinking practically: you know you have ED issues, and you are dealing with them. This means you have strength, which you can hold in to. Setbacks are normal, and you want to get over it, to beat this crappy feeling. Hold onto those fighting thoughts, and don't let the gremlins direct your future. If you slip a little, there is no better way to fight those gremlins than to forgive yourself so that you can move on. Christmas is only a finite amount of time. Suggest walking outside to enjoy the sights and get fresh air if it helps you to feel a bit easier and to also spend time with family. Make plans for your next appointment with your therapist for after the Christmas period. Try to slow the thoughts around food down, and remember that it can be enjoyed in a genuine, joyful, fuelling life kind of way. And once Christmas is done, approach your next steps as an opportunity to work towards a balance of feeling sane around food, rather than launching some kind of all out warfare on your body. You can do this without damaging yourself, so ask for the support you need from those close to you or from professionals you work with, or a combo of both, and tell the gremlins to shut up. Christmas is not ruined, and you can do this.

cmriverside

I had not checked my weight in about 10 weeks until tonight.
The reason? I had an emotional upheaval in October and spent about 5 or 6 weeks binge eating in a really major way, sometimes 7000 calories + a day. I also have issues with bulimia so it was not straight binge eating (and before you ask yes I do see someone about this).

I was under 126Ibs when I last checked.
Now, even with being back on track for much of the last month, I find I am at 132 Ibs and feel as if I don't deserve to eat and just generally totally repulsive. The sheer amount of food I must have inhaled to have gained as much as I must have gained leaves me feeling utterly disgusted with myself.

Granted, I am tall, but I was perfectly comfortable at 126Ibs and I had been around there for almost a year, give or take a few pounds.
I am now worried I am never going to be able to get back there, due to all that binging.
And I am dreading christmas. I just want to stay home alone so I can have total control over what I eat.
Instead I have to go to London and my mother, which involves meals out and being surrounded by crap.

I don't know how to calm myself right now and there isn't anyone I can share this with given the time of year.

You are not recovered. I've watched you for a long time on here, and it is obvious you are extremely underweight.

The language you use in this post, and the anger you showed to the one person....

You are 5'10 and weigh 136..... It is actually close to being under weight for someone that tall - and perfectly healthy Either talk to a professional about your panic over 6lbs, your distorted body image and all the other issues....or go volunteer in a soup kitchen somewhere over the holidays....
There are people who don't have any food this Christmas, there are people in mourning over lost and killed family members, there are people who struggle with terminal disease right now....And I am not being mean, just putting your panic over 6lbs into perspective....

Just because someone has issues with weight gain, does not mean they are unaware of the problems of the rest of the world. And that is not a correct way to respond, everyone has their issues to deal with, and they don't disappear with the knowledge others are suffering. You do not know my background or the reasons for why I am the way I am, and to say that to someone, leaving them feeling guilty for having their own, very different battles to fight, is not very fair.

.....is proof that you need to get yourself back into counseling. You are not doing well. Christmas is hard on a lot of people, but this is way beyond Christmas Blues.

meshashesha2012

i think you need to speak to someone professionally. some counselling offiline.
unfortunately nothing anyone says to you about this in a thread will be helpful because you're issues are coming from someplace deeper than merer words can fix.


seriously.. get help.. this isnt just about the holidays

Sarauk2sf

I had not checked my weight in about 10 weeks until tonight.
The reason? I had an emotional upheaval in October and spent about 5 or 6 weeks binge eating in a really major way, sometimes 7000 calories + a day. I also have issues with bulimia so it was not straight binge eating (and before you ask yes I do see someone about this).

I was under 126Ibs when I last checked.
Now, even with being back on track for much of the last month, I find I am at 132 Ibs and feel as if I don't deserve to eat and just generally totally repulsive. The sheer amount of food I must have inhaled to have gained as much as I must have gained leaves me feeling utterly disgusted with myself.

Granted, I am tall, but I was perfectly comfortable at 126Ibs and I had been around there for almost a year, give or take a few pounds.
I am now worried I am never going to be able to get back there, due to all that binging.
And I am dreading christmas. I just want to stay home alone so I can have total control over what I eat.
Instead I have to go to London and my mother, which involves meals out and being surrounded by crap.

I don't know how to calm myself right now and there isn't anyone I can share this with given the time of year.

You are not recovered. I've watched you for a long time on here, and it is obvious you are extremely underweight.

The language you use in this post, and the anger you showed to the one person....

You are 5'10 and weigh 136..... It is actually close to being under weight for someone that tall - and perfectly healthy Either talk to a professional about your panic over 6lbs, your distorted body image and all the other issues....or go volunteer in a soup kitchen somewhere over the holidays....
There are people who don't have any food this Christmas, there are people in mourning over lost and killed family members, there are people who struggle with terminal disease right now....And I am not being mean, just putting your panic over 6lbs into perspective....

Just because someone has issues with weight gain, does not mean they are unaware of the problems of the rest of the world. And that is not a correct way to respond, everyone has their issues to deal with, and they don't disappear with the knowledge others are suffering. You do not know my background or the reasons for why I am the way I am, and to say that to someone, leaving them feeling guilty for having their own, very different battles to fight, is not very fair.

.....is proof that you need to get yourself back into counseling. You are not doing well. Christmas is hard on a lot of people, but this is way beyond Christmas Blues.

^^agreed

MissJanet55

Gaelwyn, I have felt the same panic over gaining a small amount of weight. Usually there is a tiny voice at the back of my mind telling me that if I let it go any more I will somehow double my weight - or more - overnight.

I would suggest, with all respect, that if Christmas is ruined it won't be because of what you weigh, it will be because of what you think. Your problem is as much (or more) in your thought process as it is in what it feels like when you zip up your jeans.

Don't let your thoughts ruin your holiday for you. You can control them. You have lost weight before, and you know what you need to do. You'll be just fine.

Be gentle with yourself, and have a great holiday.

MissyJessy

You are 5'10 and weigh 136..... It is actually close to being under weight for someone that tall - and perfectly healthy Either talk to a professional about your panic over 6lbs, your distorted body image and all the other issues....or go volunteer in a soup kitchen somewhere over the holidays....
There are people who don't have any food this Christmas, there are people in mourning over lost and killed family members, there are people who struggle with terminal disease right now....And I am not being mean, just putting your panic over 6lbs into perspective....

Just because someone has issues with weight gain, does not mean they are unaware of the problems of the rest of the world. And that is not a correct way to respond, everyone has their issues to deal with, and they don't disappear with the knowledge others are suffering. You do not know my background or the reasons for why I am the way I am, and to say that to someone, leaving them feeling guilty for having their own, very different battles to fight, is not very fair.

This response wasnt even mean or an attack on you, you cant post something like this and not expect people to NOT feel sorry for you. There are going to be people who want to baby you and there are people who are going to be realistic and point out that considering what is going on in the world... what is going on with you is not the end all be all you need to talk to those here to help and take steps to moving forward.
It is VERY unfair for you to tell someone that there response is "not a correct way to respond", clearly your looking for some thing specifc whether its people to coddle you or what... you should take a step back and continue your road to good health mentally and physically with your councilor. Not asking for advise on an online forum.

Graelwyn75

I had not checked my weight in about 10 weeks until tonight.
The reason? I had an emotional upheaval in October and spent about 5 or 6 weeks binge eating in a really major way, sometimes 7000 calories + a day. I also have issues with bulimia so it was not straight binge eating (and before you ask yes I do see someone about this).

I was under 126Ibs when I last checked.
Now, even with being back on track for much of the last month, I find I am at 132 Ibs and feel as if I don't deserve to eat and just generally totally repulsive. The sheer amount of food I must have inhaled to have gained as much as I must have gained leaves me feeling utterly disgusted with myself.

Granted, I am tall, but I was perfectly comfortable at 126Ibs and I had been around there for almost a year, give or take a few pounds.
I am now worried I am never going to be able to get back there, due to all that binging.
And I am dreading christmas. I just want to stay home alone so I can have total control over what I eat.
Instead I have to go to London and my mother, which involves meals out and being surrounded by crap.

I don't know how to calm myself right now and there isn't anyone I can share this with given the time of year.

You are not recovered. I've watched you for a long time on here, and it is obvious you are extremely underweight.

The language you use in this post, and the anger you showed to the one person....

You are 5'10 and weigh 136..... It is actually close to being under weight for someone that tall - and perfectly healthy Either talk to a professional about your panic over 6lbs, your distorted body image and all the other issues....or go volunteer in a soup kitchen somewhere over the holidays....
There are people who don't have any food this Christmas, there are people in mourning over lost and killed family members, there are people who struggle with terminal disease right now....And I am not being mean, just putting your panic over 6lbs into perspective....

Just because someone has issues with weight gain, does not mean they are unaware of the problems of the rest of the world. And that is not a correct way to respond, everyone has their issues to deal with, and they don't disappear with the knowledge others are suffering. You do not know my background or the reasons for why I am the way I am, and to say that to someone, leaving them feeling guilty for having their own, very different battles to fight, is not very fair.

.....is proof that you need to get yourself back into counseling. You are not doing well. Christmas is hard on a lot of people, but this is way beyond Christmas Blues.

I know I am not recovered, hence I said I have issues with bulimia in my initial post. I don't think I have said anywhere I am recovered. I most likely never will be, psychologically, at my age(37) it is probably too late for that.
I would disagree however with being severely underweight.
I have a normal BMI. I am 5'10, and 132Ibs, which puts me at about 19. That is not underweight at all, as a normal BMI here in the Uk is considered to be 18.5 to 24. I have seen girls on here my height who are weighing a lot less than myself.

I am seeing someone professionally, as I also stated in my initial post. But not over the christmas period, obviously, as they are away over the christmas period. So I cannot talk to them about this situation. This situation had not arisen as I had not been on the scales for a long period of time.

tigersword

My weight fluctuates 5-10 pounds in a day. Panicking over being 6 pounds heavier speaks to much more serious psychological issues that need to be dealt with.

MissyJessy

but does 126lbs not put you lower than 18.5? so would 126lbs not put you into the underweight catagory....?

C12254

I take back what I said. I ddint see how tall you were, etc.

My advice...get more help. more often. from a new therapist. something.

realme56

Make an appointment with your mental health counselor as soon as possible, your reaction and actions indicate you need some intensive treatment before you make yourself ill.

cmriverside

but does 126lbs not put you lower than 18.5? so would 126lbs not put you into the underweight catagory....?

5'10" and 126 is 18.1.

C'mon, Graelwyn75, stop bickering about the fact that you ARE underweight. We are not going to say, "There, there, you're fine." You're not. What do you want us to say? You're just looking for attention, in this and your other post today. Everyone has issues.

You can obsess and dwell on how awful your life is. Or you can see the good in your life. It's your choice. No counselor in the world can fix you - you have that power. The fact that you have chosen to grab onto a difference between 18.1 or 18.5 is ridiculous.

Get out of your head and go volunteer with the elderly, or homeless, or animals, or handicapped. You are creating your own illness. You can cure it.

Graelwyn75

You are 5'10 and weigh 136..... It is actually close to being under weight for someone that tall - and perfectly healthy Either talk to a professional about your panic over 6lbs, your distorted body image and all the other issues....or go volunteer in a soup kitchen somewhere over the holidays....
There are people who don't have any food this Christmas, there are people in mourning over lost and killed family members, there are people who struggle with terminal disease right now....And I am not being mean, just putting your panic over 6lbs into perspective....

Just because someone has issues with weight gain, does not mean they are unaware of the problems of the rest of the world. And that is not a correct way to respond, everyone has their issues to deal with, and they don't disappear with the knowledge others are suffering. You do not know my background or the reasons for why I am the way I am, and to say that to someone, leaving them feeling guilty for having their own, very different battles to fight, is not very fair.

This response wasnt even mean or an attack on you, you cant post something like this and not expect people to NOT feel sorry for you. There are going to be people who want to baby you and there are people who are going to be realistic and point out that considering what is going on in the world... what is going on with you is not the end all be all you need to talk to those here to help and take steps to moving forward.
It is VERY unfair for you to tell someone that there response is "not a correct way to respond", clearly your looking for some thing specifc whether its people to coddle you or what... you should take a step back and continue your road to good health mentally and physically with your councilor. Not asking for advise on an online forum.

I am not seeking coddling or babying, or for people to feel sorry for me at all. absolutely no way. But everyone in life has different struggles, and I wouldn't dream of telling someone who was suffering depression, for example, that they should consider those who have it worse than them because in all likelihood, they have already considered it, experienced guilt over it, but still not been able to eliminate their depression. That is what I am saying. I simply hoped for some guidance, or support, since this is the support section and therapist/counsellor is obviously off for the christmas period, and in the end, someone who is experiencing issues related to their weight whether they have bulimia, anorexia or binge eating disorder or issues overeating, surely should feel safe to post in this section. Anyway, I wish I had never posted this. It is a place where people understand those who have often (though not always) eaten themselves into obesity, diabetes and other health problems (also pointing to psychological issues) but where someone who has a different eating struggle is directed elsewhere or blasted for their own feelings regarding their weight.

If I were someone who were overweight and here to lose weight, panicking over a gain one week, the reaction would be very very different and is generally different, for I have read such posts. A world where suddenly half a stone(7Ibs) gain over a period of less than 2 monrhs, is seen as not much is a world I don't understand. That can be the difference between having a normal weight, and being overweight.

marinebiologist_girl

I had not checked my weight in about 10 weeks until tonight.
The reason? I had an emotional upheaval in October and spent about 5 or 6 weeks binge eating in a really major way, sometimes 7000 calories + a day. I also have issues with bulimia so it was not straight binge eating (and before you ask yes I do see someone about this).

I was under 126Ibs when I last checked.
Now, even with being back on track for much of the last month, I find I am at 132 Ibs and feel as if I don't deserve to eat and just generally totally repulsive. The sheer amount of food I must have inhaled to have gained as much as I must have gained leaves me feeling utterly disgusted with myself.

Granted, I am tall, but I was perfectly comfortable at 126Ibs and I had been around there for almost a year, give or take a few pounds.
I am now worried I am never going to be able to get back there, due to all that binging.
And I am dreading christmas. I just want to stay home alone so I can have total control over what I eat.
Instead I have to go to London and my mother, which involves meals out and being surrounded by crap.

I don't know how to calm myself right now and there isn't anyone I can share this with given the time of year.

You are not recovered. I've watched you for a long time on here, and it is obvious you are extremely underweight.

The language you use in this post, and the anger you showed to the one person....

You are 5'10 and weigh 136..... It is actually close to being under weight for someone that tall - and perfectly healthy Either talk to a professional about your panic over 6lbs, your distorted body image and all the other issues....or go volunteer in a soup kitchen somewhere over the holidays....
There are people who don't have any food this Christmas, there are people in mourning over lost and killed family members, there are people who struggle with terminal disease right now....And I am not being mean, just putting your panic over 6lbs into perspective....

Just because someone has issues with weight gain, does not mean they are unaware of the problems of the rest of the world. And that is not a correct way to respond, everyone has their issues to deal with, and they don't disappear with the knowledge others are suffering. You do not know my background or the reasons for why I am the way I am, and to say that to someone, leaving them feeling guilty for having their own, very different battles to fight, is not very fair.

.....is proof that you need to get yourself back into counseling. You are not doing well. Christmas is hard on a lot of people, but this is way beyond Christmas Blues.

I know I am not recovered, hence I said I have issues with bulimia in my initial post. I don't think I have said anywhere I am recovered. I most likely never will be, psychologically, at my age(37) it is probably too late for that.
I would disagree however with being severely underweight.
I have a normal BMI. I am 5'10, and 132Ibs, which puts me at about 19. That is not underweight at all, as a normal BMI here in the Uk is considered to be 18.5 to 24. I have seen girls on here my height who are weighing a lot less than myself.

I am seeing someone professionally, as I also stated in my initial post. But not over the christmas period, obviously, as they are away over the christmas period. So I cannot talk to them about this situation. This situation had not arisen as I had not been on the scales for a long period of time.

Definitely seconded. Also, as to your claim that you have a BMI of 19... it's actually under 18, and BMI has been proven to be an ATROCIOUS measure of a healthy weight. It doesn't take nearly enough things into account and doctors do not refer to it. And as you have said IN YOUR POST, 19 is a healthy BMI. So you shouldn't stress. And as another poster above me says, being 126lbs DOES put your BMI into the underweight category.

Graelwyn75

but does 126lbs not put you lower than 18.5? so would 126lbs not put you into the underweight catagory....?

It put me at about 18.5, I believe, or slightly below.

marinebiologist_girl

but does 126lbs not put you lower than 18.5? so would 126lbs not put you into the underweight catagory....?

It put me at about 18.5, I believe, or slightly below.

Actually it's closer to 18-18.1

Contrarian

Please don't panic.

msbunnie68

This IS easily fixed. How? Like this....

Xmas will NOT be ruined by my weight.
I am going to London with my mother and I WILL make good food choices.

You are setting up a negative dialogue in preparation for excuses as to why you are going to sabotage yourself at Christmas. YOU. No one else.

It is as easy or as hard as you make it. You are a 37 year old woman and you are in control of the choices YOU make. Your mother doesn't choose your food. An extra 10 pounds will NOT jump out of a Christmas stocking and yell 'surprise' as it attaches itself to your abdomen.

You need to set the positive dialogue now - write it down and put it in your suitcase...your makeup bag...your handbag...your purse. YOU control YOU. That's it.

Change your WILLs to WILL NOTs. Your therapist isn't the one that does this magically for you. They facilitate your understanding but in the end you need to pull your big girl panties up and just do it.

marinebiologist_girl

Please don't panic.

After my previous lecture, I agree. If you panic, it will cause you to become more distressed and likely to binge again. If you sit down and think about this logically and calmly. You have lost the weight before. You will get back to the weight you want again. Christmas day can be enjoyed perfectly fine, because even if you eat out, you can still choose healthier options, or ask the restaurants to do things like hold the sauce, hold the gravy, add less cheese, skinny milk (for drinks, etc), half portions for kids... it's possible! Please enjoy your holidays, please seek help as soon as your therapist is back, and please try not to worry yourself into becoming ill, either from stress about the weight loss, or excessive weight loss. *hug*

C12254

I had not checked my weight in about 10 weeks until tonight.
The reason? I had an emotional upheaval in October and spent about 5 or 6 weeks binge eating in a really major way, sometimes 7000 calories + a day. I also have issues with bulimia so it was not straight binge eating (and before you ask yes I do see someone about this).

I was under 126Ibs when I last checked.
Now, even with being back on track for much of the last month, I find I am at 132 Ibs and feel as if I don't deserve to eat and just generally totally repulsive. The sheer amount of food I must have inhaled to have gained as much as I must have gained leaves me feeling utterly disgusted with myself.

Granted, I am tall, but I was perfectly comfortable at 126Ibs and I had been around there for almost a year, give or take a few pounds.
I am now worried I am never going to be able to get back there, due to all that binging.
And I am dreading christmas. I just want to stay home alone so I can have total control over what I eat.
Instead I have to go to London and my mother, which involves meals out and being surrounded by crap.

I don't know how to calm myself right now and there isn't anyone I can share this with given the time of year.

You are not recovered. I've watched you for a long time on here, and it is obvious you are extremely underweight.

The language you use in this post, and the anger you showed to the one person....

You are 5'10 and weigh 136..... It is actually close to being under weight for someone that tall - and perfectly healthy Either talk to a professional about your panic over 6lbs, your distorted body image and all the other issues....or go volunteer in a soup kitchen somewhere over the holidays....
There are people who don't have any food this Christmas, there are people in mourning over lost and killed family members, there are people who struggle with terminal disease right now....And I am not being mean, just putting your panic over 6lbs into perspective....

Just because someone has issues with weight gain, does not mean they are unaware of the problems of the rest of the world. And that is not a correct way to respond, everyone has their issues to deal with, and they don't disappear with the knowledge others are suffering. You do not know my background or the reasons for why I am the way I am, and to say that to someone, leaving them feeling guilty for having their own, very different battles to fight, is not very fair.

.....is proof that you need to get yourself back into counseling. You are not doing well. Christmas is hard on a lot of people, but this is way beyond Christmas Blues.

I know I am not recovered, hence I said I have issues with bulimia in my initial post. I don't think I have said anywhere I am recovered. I most likely never will be, psychologically, at my age(37) it is probably too late for that.
I would disagree however with being severely underweight.
I have a normal BMI. I am 5'10, and 132Ibs, which puts me at about 19. That is not underweight at all, as a normal BMI here in the Uk is considered to be 18.5 to 24. I have seen girls on here my height who are weighing a lot less than myself.

I am seeing someone professionally, as I also stated in my initial post. But not over the christmas period, obviously, as they are away over the christmas period. So I cannot talk to them about this situation. This situation had not arisen as I had not been on the scales for a long period of time.

stay off the scales and stop worrying about numbers. worry about eating healthy. being healthy. mentally and physically. clearly the numbers send you over board- so just dont go there

C12254

but does 126lbs not put you lower than 18.5? so would 126lbs not put you into the underweight catagory....?

5'10" and 126 is 18.1.

C'mon, Graelwyn75, stop bickering about the fact that you ARE underweight. We are not going to say, "There, there, you're fine." You're not. What do you want us to say? You're just looking for attention, in this and your other post today. Everyone has issues.

You can obsess and dwell on how awful your life is. Or you can see the good in your life. It's your choice. No counselor in the world can fix you - you have that power. The fact that you have chosen to grab onto a difference between 18.1 or 18.5 is ridiculous.

Get out of your head and go volunteer with the elderly, or homeless, or animals, or handicapped. You are creating your own illness. You can cure it.

i wish there was a like button...