I need some love :(
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m8605
Posts: 102
I just spent the past 5 minutes crying my eyes out . I'm starting to learn that I know nothing about relationships. I think of myself as a really nice guy but I now know I've done my best friend wrong over the year by trying to control how she behaved when she went out and partied.... I know that sounds bad and I hate typing it. All I wanted was for nothing bad to happen for her. I did end up falling in love with her and she broke my heart and then rejected me but thats not the point. Its that.. everybody's different and I shouldn't of tried to have her behave the way I thought was right. I'm thankful that she has been really nice to me this past year
I feel like an *kitten*
I feel like an *kitten*
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Replies
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You were trying to keep her safe. Your intentions were good. I don't know about your delivery, so maybe that was part of it.
If you love someone, you want them to be safe. But to "fall in love" with someone, there has to be mutual consent. It takes two.
I know how hard it is to lose someone you love. It's okay to cry and feel bad for a few days. Totally understandable.0 -
I over reacted sometimes if I didn't know about something that happened, like her going to an after party at a concert (which I've never attended one before, the after party that is). If I was aware that I overreacted I immediately apologized to her afterwards though. Now I know whats considered normal at afterpartys, I didn't know beforehand. I feel really bad about my behavior0
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OK Dude, here's a beer >>>>> "BEER". Let's talk. First of all, ask yourself this. Were the things you were doing REALLY for her benefit, or were they really so that you could get closer to her somehow?? Think hard and be honest! I'm betting that some bit of this was a play to keep her corraled and away from other guys. Any chance of that? At one time or another,lot's of us have done that stupid ****. You live and you learn a few things. First off, it's not your job to look after her. She has a right to make her own decisions, even if they are wrong. Secondly, nobody likes being treated like a kid. Put yourself in her shoes.
You're not an *kitten*. An *kitten* would have no self realization of what happened here. If you keep this up, you will earn the badge though. Sounds like you are on to better things. Be a good friend to her. Be there when she needs you. Use her for practice so that you don't fall back into the same trap with the next lady. Get a grip on your emotions. This is your chance to become a better man. Take it!
Here's the last part, and it hurts. Just because a women wants to be your friend doesn't mean she will ever want it to go farther. That's life, and yea we have ALL been there too. You just have to grow some stones and deal with it. You absolutely cannot talk anyone into loving you. Love is illogical. Her rejection was not personal, even though I'm sure it felt that way. If she thought you were an ashole she wouldn't even speak to you. The more you try to force love out of somebody, the faster they will run. You have to be confident in who you are and wait for a better match. You need to forget about a love interest in this woman and pull yourself together.
If you really are a nice guy, you'll find a good match. It may take a while, but you will. In the mean time, if you find a woman that thinks the grass is greener somewhere else, then help her pack and give her a ride. Trying to herd anyone into a pen will end just like this one did.
Not very loving I guess, but there you go. Now finish your beer and get back out there!
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I have tequila, want some? And I like the guy's advice better than mine. :happy:0
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OK Dude, here's a beer >>>>> "BEER". Let's talk. First of all, ask yourself this. Were the things you were doing REALLY for her benefit, or were they really so that you could get closer to her somehow?? Think hard and be honest! I'm betting that some bit of this was a play to keep her corraled and away from other guys. Any chance of that? At one time or another,lot's of us have done that stupid ****. You live and you learn a few things. First off, it's not your job to look after her. She has a right to make her own decisions, even if they are wrong. Secondly, nobody likes being treated like a kid. Put yourself in her shoes.
You're not an *kitten*. An *kitten* would have no self realization of what happened here. If you keep this up, you will earn the badge though. Sounds like you are on to better things. Be a good friend to her. Be there when she needs you. Use her for practice so that you don't fall back into the same trap with the next lady. Get a grip on your emotions. This is your chance to become a better man. Take it!
Here's the last part, and it hurts. Just because a women wants to be your friend doesn't mean she will ever want it to go farther. That's life, and yea we have ALL been there too. You just have to grow some stones and deal with it. You absolutely cannot talk anyone into loving you. Love is illogical. Her rejection was not personal, even though I'm sure it felt that way. If she thought you were an ashole she wouldn't even speak to you. The more you try to force love out of somebody, the faster they will run. You have to be confident in who you are and wait for a better match. You need to forget about a love interest in this woman and pull yourself together.
If you really are a nice guy, you'll find a good match. It may take a while, but you will. In the mean time, if you find a woman that thinks the grass is greener somewhere else, then help her pack and give her a ride. Trying to herd anyone into a pen will end just like this one did.
Not very loving I guess, but there you go. Now finish your beer and get back out there!
Agreed 100%0 -
Feel like an *kitten* for what? No woman is worth crying over.
Secondly, for the future, if a woman you're involved with is engaging in behavior you don't approve you better tell her right away. Establish your baselines right away. If they move out of line call them out on it. If they do it again, call them out in social settings. Happens even a 3rd time (which it shouldn't by now), then leave them.
I've been in all kinds of relationships the past 10 years. And if there is one thing that I have learned, it's that being the uber nice guy and catering too much to a woman will lead to a ****ty relationship and a depressed state of mind (for the guy).0 -
Feel like an *kitten* for what? No woman is worth crying over.
Secondly, for the future, if a woman you're involved with is engaging in behavior you don't approve you better tell her right away. Establish your baselines right away. If they move out of line call them out on it. If they do it again, call them out in social settings. Happens even a 3rd time (which it shouldn't by now), then leave them.
I've been in all kinds of relationships the past 10 years. And if there is one thing that I have learned, it's that being the uber nice guy and catering too much to a woman will lead to a ****ty relationship and a depressed state of mind (for the guy).
I've known women worth crying over.0 -
Feel like an *kitten* for what? No woman is worth crying over.
Secondly, for the future, if a woman you're involved with is engaging in behavior you don't approve you better tell her right away. Establish your baselines right away. If they move out of line call them out on it. If they do it again, call them out in social settings. Happens even a 3rd time (which it shouldn't by now), then leave them.
I've been in all kinds of relationships the past 10 years. And if there is one thing that I have learned, it's that being the uber nice guy and catering too much to a woman will lead to a ****ty relationship and a depressed state of mind (for the guy).
I've known women worth crying over.
*hug* Thank you. I was hoping a guy would actually say something about that comment.0 -
Don't cry over any woman. They're amazing peeps but not worth crying over imho.
"Actions are Judged by intentions". You had good intentions. Sometimes we do wrong things thinking its the right thing. Happens to the best of us. If you truly believe in your heart that you were trying to do the right thing, then let it go.
As for her breaking your heart. This is going to sound harsh. VERY harsh. But being a nice guy isn't a quality. It is a basic feature. I mean if tomorrow you needed surgery, you wouldn't let anyone off the street do surgery on you just because he's a nice guy would you? No, you need Nice guy + somebody who's offering you something you need. Surgeon skills! Same in relationships. You have to offer other things. It doesn't have to be purely monetary or physical but something more. Are you funny? Once again, that doesn't really set you apart. Are you a sharp dresser? Now you're getting somewhere. Are you very confident in approaching stranger women? A quality not many people have, even the good looking, in shape ones.
Work on yourself. If you feel like crying, well give yourself a day to cry and tomorrow get up and start being awesome. Because every nice guy deserves to be awesome!0 -
Just try not to be like that in the future.0
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aww!!!!! i am so sorry to hear that and my heart goes out to you!!! truth be told....no one is worth crying over especially when they are bringing pain into your life. I dont think you should feel like an a** hole because you did the best you could for the person you love and she could not appreciate that. There is someone out there who will appreciate all your good qualities and love and care that you bring to them. Dont waste your tears and your time over someone who does not deserve them. From what you said in your post, any woman in the world would be happy to have you as their boyfriend.....people dont know what they have until they lose them.... and you should let her know that....you are a star!!!!!!!!!
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Were the things you were doing REALLY for her benefit, or were they really so that you could get closer to her somehow?? Think hard and be honest! I'm betting that some bit of this was a play to keep her corraled and away from other guys. Any chance of that?
Yes to both. I was really concerned for her but at the same time I guess I was trying to keep her away from other guys. The way I delivered it though I guess would be more towards keeping her away from other guys. I could of fallen in love with her earlier than I originally thought perhaps. I only realized it after she broke my heart and rejected me.
Thankyou very much0 -
As for her breaking your heart. This is going to sound harsh. VERY harsh. But being a nice guy isn't a quality. It is a basic feature. I mean if tomorrow you needed surgery, you wouldn't let anyone off the street do surgery on you just because he's a nice guy would you? No, you need Nice guy + somebody who's offering you something you need. Surgeon skills! Same in relationships. You have to offer other things.
It doesn't sound harsh at all. You've given me a new perspective.. thankyou.0 -
aww!!!!! i am so sorry to hear that and my heart goes out to you!!! truth be told....no one is worth crying over especially when they are bringing pain into your life. I dont think you should feel like an a** hole because you did the best you could for the person you love and she could not appreciate that. There is someone out there who will appreciate all your good qualities and love and care that you bring to them. Dont waste your tears and your time over someone who does not deserve them. From what you said in your post, any woman in the world would be happy to have you as their boyfriend.....people dont know what they have until they lose them.... and you should let her know that....you are a star!!!!!!!!!
Thankyou, I needed to hear that.0 -
This happend to me and I know how that girl,your friend felt and feels. I was on her place and believe me It wasn't easy for her to get over with your friendship cause when you addmited love... like my friend bestfriend did,I felt miserable because I believed in that relationship so we were apart a little time,and we still are/// that's what I hate I HATE that. He also didn't like for me to party,but don't feel like an *kitten*,instead of that accept her like she is and get over with you love feelings cause she loves you as her brother,not as her boyfriend. And she wants her little friend to be back.0
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Don't cry over any woman. They're amazing peeps but not worth crying over imho.
love doesn't always let you make this choice0 -
Yeah you sound like an *kitten* and guess what! I'm an *kitten* too! Did that to my first wife....controlled everything! Now I let go and find life better! Also your on this site for a reason....get into this...make friends...friend me and more. You can't do this alone.
Good luck,
Marcello or *kitten* I answer to either!0 -
Please don't listen to people who tell you that someone who doesn't follow your rules or engage only in behaviour you are comfortable with is not worth your time.. That is an extremely conceited outlook and you're highly unlikely to ever find someone who meets your expectations, unless you really are the kind of guy that wants a relationship with an imbalance of power in your favour.. relationships should be mutual, based on compromise, learning from each other and growing together! Your controlling behaviour is NOT the behaviour of a nice guy. You have realised your mistakes, that's step one.
Secondly, did your friend ever show she had feelings for you beyond friendship? As people have said before, just because you have befriended someone of the opposite sex, it, in no way, represents the possibility of a relationship.. that is not to say friends cannot fall for each other, but it isn't the reason for becoming friends.
Of course, some people lead others on.. those are the people not worth your time..
You'll figure it out eventually
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If she didn't want to engage in these "unsafe" behaviors she wouldn't. I am assuming she is a grown woman and as such she needs to be responsible for herself. You being concerned for her probably gives her more of the attention she craves. But you telling her what to do drives her crazy because she wants her cake and to eat it too. The only person you have control over is yourself and if you are not okay with her behavior, tell her but be prepared to be just a friend. You can care for a person very much but if they do not return those feelings or do not treat you the way you should be treated then it is best not to get romantically involved.0
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Thank you everyone. This is why I've been wanting to make more female friends in general. I'm not like this around my guy friends whatsoever and for obvious reasons I guess. She's like the only female friend that I've had on this kind of a level. I've had acquaintances/classmates and so on of course but none like this. I have a lot of things to learn about relationships. I already told her this last night too.
I'm so sorry0
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