I need some love :(
Replies
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You didn't want her as a friend.. You wanted to F her. Tried to control her. Thought that would make her want to F you too. That doesn't ever work.. She wants to party you don't. Find someone like you.
You can't change anyone.
How dare you.0 -
what did you think was going to happen?? she was going to see the error of her ways, stop her partying and promiscuity, and then through herself into you arms?? forever be grateful to you?0
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You didn't want her as a friend.. You wanted to F her. Tried to control her. Thought that would make her want to F you too. That doesn't ever work.. She wants to party you don't. Find someone like you.
You can't change anyone.
How dare you.
Do not get upset about that persons's post and take it as another lesson in life. People have the right to do and say whatever they choose, sometimes it may not be an nice or tactful as it could be. We are all individuals. If someone does something or says something to you that offends you or annoys you, you cannot change them. Best way to deal with it is ignore it or move away from it.
Surround yourself with people who act or talk in ways in which you are comfortable with and just leave any others to get on with their own lives.
You are being positive in accepting the more tactfully put advice and I am certain that you will learn greatly from this and has success in your future.0 -
I am so sorry. I really was not trying to offend you. Maybe I read your first post wrong.You didn't want her as a friend.. You wanted to F her. Tried to control her. Thought that would make her want to F you too. That doesn't ever work.. She wants to party you don't. Find someone like you.
You can't change anyone.
How dare you.0 -
OK I reread it. Stand by what I posted. Find someone LIKE YOU.0
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Try not to mind the indignant posters - some of us are women who HAVE BEEN unintentionally screwed by the nice guy who was unhealthily trying to work their way into our pants. It becomes a source of frustration and anger. I, too, have this knee-jerk reaction when I read about "nice guys." It's just our experience working our way into seeing someone with your problem. It's not meant to hurt you.
I have been the girl that various nice guys have tried to corral from bad behavior - both actual bad behavior and imagined bad behavior. All it did, in either instance, was piss me off. And when I did finally get away from the actual bad behavior, I realized what I needed was a friend, NOT a "white knight."
Sounds like you got caught up in the white knight cycle. It's hard to find the line between that and being caring. Those of us with big hearts have to learn the hard way. I'm sorry that it had to happen in such a painful way for you.
Those who are advising you to rethink your motives, to work on feeling good about yourself, etc are giving you good advice. Mistakes and overbearing actions can be forgiven if they do not repeat themselves - you are understanding that you need to change that about yourself. This is progress.
You will be okay. If you can work on loving yourself through this (this means no self pity! No "guess I should just turn into an *kitten*"! No "women suck and I hate myself!") then you will become more confident and more able to discern when someone wants your help or not.
Good luck to you.0 -
OK I reread it. Stand by what I posted. Find someone LIKE YOU.
Thats all I needed0 -
You will be okay. If you can work on loving yourself through this (this means no self pity! No "guess I should just turn into an *kitten*"! No "women suck and I hate myself!") then you will become more confident and more able to discern when someone wants your help or not.
Good luck to you.
If anything this whole experience just makes me love people even more. We're all so different because of our emotions.0 -
I just spent the past 5 minutes crying my eyes out . I'm starting to learn that I know nothing about relationships. I think of myself as a really nice guy but I now know I've done my best friend wrong over the year by trying to control how she behaved when she went out and partied.... I know that sounds bad and I hate typing it. All I wanted was for nothing bad to happen for her. I did end up falling in love with her and she broke my heart and then rejected me but thats not the point. Its that.. everybody's different and I shouldn't of tried to have her behave the way I thought was right. I'm thankful that she has been really nice to me this past year
I feel like an *kitten*
I am sure you are a great guy and it sounds like you do care a lot about your friend! But, no one likes to be told what to do, how to behave, controlled etc (unless your name is Christian Grey, just saying). This may seem to you like you are just trying to protect her, but to her it may not seem like that. I think you are thinking in the right direction with understanding that you have tried to control her and now you can learn from your mistakes and try to keep a friendship (if you can and want to). I would suggest just letting her know you care and then distancing yourself to work on you (your goals, weight loss, whatever you want, etc). Everything we do is a learning experience, you can either take what you have learned and use it to better yourself, or beat yourself up. The first one sounds like a more positive outcome
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I was married to a controlling person for 20 years. I'm out now and never going back. I will never ever go back into any type of relationship that even smells of control issues. You need to deal with your own demons and baggage before you can have attempt a healthy relationship with someone else. Good luck!!0
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Again, everyone thank you very much.
I'm I just want to share you her response I got just a little while ago after I told her this:
"Its okay. Honestly it doesn't bother me. I just hope you can feel better about things. I am here for you as always."
I won't be replying to this post anymore. Thanks again for the support.0 -
Don't cry over any woman. They're amazing peeps but not worth crying over imho.
"Actions are Judged by intentions". You had good intentions. Sometimes we do wrong things thinking its the right thing. Happens to the best of us. If you truly believe in your heart that you were trying to do the right thing, then let it go.
As for her breaking your heart. This is going to sound harsh. VERY harsh. But being a nice guy isn't a quality. It is a basic feature. I mean if tomorrow you needed surgery, you wouldn't let anyone off the street do surgery on you just because he's a nice guy would you? No, you need Nice guy + somebody who's offering you something you need. Surgeon skills! Same in relationships. You have to offer other things. It doesn't have to be purely monetary or physical but something more. Are you funny? Once again, that doesn't really set you apart. Are you a sharp dresser? Now you're getting somewhere. Are you very confident in approaching stranger women? A quality not many people have, even the good looking, in shape ones.
Work on yourself. If you feel like crying, well give yourself a day to cry and tomorrow get up and start being awesome. Because every nice guy deserves to be awesome!
I know where you got this :-D0 -
Just try not to be like that in the future.
this.
life is about learning. now that you've learned (hopefully) that it's not cool to control people. you've probably also learned (hopefully) from this that you need accept people the way they are as they ar. if you can't do that and feel you need to change them or manipulate them to do things then you don't accept them and should move on to other people who do have the qualities you are looking for.0 -
Feel like an *kitten* for what? No woman is worth crying over.
Secondly, for the future, if a woman you're involved with is engaging in behavior you don't approve you better tell her right away. Establish your baselines right away. If they move out of line call them out on it. If they do it again, call them out in social settings. Happens even a 3rd time (which it shouldn't by now), then leave them.
I've been in all kinds of relationships the past 10 years. And if there is one thing that I have learned, it's that being the uber nice guy and catering too much to a woman will lead to a ****ty relationship and a depressed state of mind (for the guy).
Wow. If its ok to tell your FRIEND what to do just because she is female, you are not going to have a lot of female friends.0 -
You didn't want her as a friend.. You wanted to F her. Tried to control her. Thought that would make her want to F you too. That doesn't ever work.. She wants to party you don't. Find someone like you.
You can't change anyone.
How dare you.
Haha. But that's exactly what you said, OP!0 -
OP, here's an idea. It says in your profile that you are a sax player! How damn cool is that?? Try channeling your emotion through your sax and some woman out there in the audience will pass out! Give HER your phone number.
One more thing. Your willingness to be honest with yourself is admirable. It shows a ton of potential. Some woman will realize that at some point. Trust me. I'm far enough down the trail ahead of you to know.
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Love is Very hard to Define but the best defination I can come up with is this: To accept another unconditionally and then to seek there good. Is that what you did? Be honest!0
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Don't cry over any woman. They're amazing peeps but not worth crying over imho.
"Actions are Judged by intentions". You had good intentions. Sometimes we do wrong things thinking its the right thing. Happens to the best of us. If you truly believe in your heart that you were trying to do the right thing, then let it go.
As for her breaking your heart. This is going to sound harsh. VERY harsh. But being a nice guy isn't a quality. It is a basic feature. I mean if tomorrow you needed surgery, you wouldn't let anyone off the street do surgery on you just because he's a nice guy would you? No, you need Nice guy + somebody who's offering you something you need. Surgeon skills! Same in relationships. You have to offer other things. It doesn't have to be purely monetary or physical but something more. Are you funny? Once again, that doesn't really set you apart. Are you a sharp dresser? Now you're getting somewhere. Are you very confident in approaching stranger women? A quality not many people have, even the good looking, in shape ones.
Work on yourself. If you feel like crying, well give yourself a day to cry and tomorrow get up and start being awesome. Because every nice guy deserves to be awesome!
I know where you got this :-D
Ha me too, a link would've been easier :P0 -
OK Dude, here's a beer >>>>> "BEER". Let's talk. First of all, ask yourself this. Were the things you were doing REALLY for her benefit, or were they really so that you could get closer to her somehow?? Think hard and be honest! I'm betting that some bit of this was a play to keep her corraled and away from other guys. Any chance of that? At one time or another,lot's of us have done that stupid ****. You live and you learn a few things. First off, it's not your job to look after her. She has a right to make her own decisions, even if they are wrong. Secondly, nobody likes being treated like a kid. Put yourself in her shoes.
You're not an *kitten*. An *kitten* would have no self realization of what happened here. If you keep this up, you will earn the badge though. Sounds like you are on to better things. Be a good friend to her. Be there when she needs you. Use her for practice so that you don't fall back into the same trap with the next lady. Get a grip on your emotions. This is your chance to become a better man. Take it!
Here's the last part, and it hurts. Just because a women wants to be your friend doesn't mean she will ever want it to go farther. That's life, and yea we have ALL been there too. You just have to grow some stones and deal with it. You absolutely cannot talk anyone into loving you. Love is illogical. Her rejection was not personal, even though I'm sure it felt that way. If she thought you were an ashole she wouldn't even speak to you. The more you try to force love out of somebody, the faster they will run. You have to be confident in who you are and wait for a better match. You need to forget about a love interest in this woman and pull yourself together.
If you really are a nice guy, you'll find a good match. It may take a while, but you will. In the mean time, if you find a woman that thinks the grass is greener somewhere else, then help her pack and give her a ride. Trying to herd anyone into a pen will end just like this one did.
Not very loving I guess, but there you go. Now finish your beer and get back out there!
Such tender, truthful advice. You're needed on about 100000 forums.0 -
Feel like an *kitten* for what? No woman is worth crying over.
You've obviously never met the right woman or allowed yourself to feel properly for someone. the right one is worth this and far more.
And to the op I feel for you, just try to be there for her and let things sort themselves out, if the friendship is strong enough they will.
my ex split up with me on the 28th Dec last year, and for a long periods this year we have had a strained friendship (I still love her, and she knows it), but just cos one of you has feelings and the other not (or in my case she doesn't any more) it doesn't have to be an end to the friendship. me and my ex have both had a lot to deal with for different reasons recently and finally in the last few months we have really moved forward. she has another bf but we have been there for each other, and the other day she told me i am one of her best friends, which I am truly happy about. yeah i'd like more but its not gonna happen and my wish to be friends with her is not with any conditions or expectations, and is totally genuine. I know there will never be anything more but I will always be there for her without question. if your friendship is strong enough, and more importantly your reasons for wanting to be her friend are genuine (not just cos of falling for her) it will happen.
it took me and my ex longer than I'd have liked to do it, but the best thing you can do is sit down and have an open honest talk with each other and be completely open. then you'll know where each of you stands and can work forward from there. If she is still happy to be friends then you have to decide whether you have the right motivation for that friendship or if not hard as it is walk away, it wont help either of you in the long run if you don't.
good luck, hope it all works out in the end.0 -
OK Dude, here's a beer >>>>> "BEER". Let's talk. First of all, ask yourself this. Were the things you were doing REALLY for her benefit, or were they really so that you could get closer to her somehow?? Think hard and be honest! I'm betting that some bit of this was a play to keep her corraled and away from other guys. Any chance of that? At one time or another,lot's of us have done that stupid ****. You live and you learn a few things. First off, it's not your job to look after her. She has a right to make her own decisions, even if they are wrong. Secondly, nobody likes being treated like a kid. Put yourself in her shoes.
You're not an *kitten*. An *kitten* would have no self realization of what happened here. If you keep this up, you will earn the badge though. Sounds like you are on to better things. Be a good friend to her. Be there when she needs you. Use her for practice so that you don't fall back into the same trap with the next lady. Get a grip on your emotions. This is your chance to become a better man. Take it!
Here's the last part, and it hurts. Just because a women wants to be your friend doesn't mean she will ever want it to go farther. That's life, and yea we have ALL been there too. You just have to grow some stones and deal with it. You absolutely cannot talk anyone into loving you. Love is illogical. Her rejection was not personal, even though I'm sure it felt that way. If she thought you were an ashole she wouldn't even speak to you. The more you try to force love out of somebody, the faster they will run. You have to be confident in who you are and wait for a better match. You need to forget about a love interest in this woman and pull yourself together.
If you really are a nice guy, you'll find a good match. It may take a while, but you will. In the mean time, if you find a woman that thinks the grass is greener somewhere else, then help her pack and give her a ride. Trying to herd anyone into a pen will end just like this one did.
Not very loving I guess, but there you go. Now finish your beer and get back out there!
^^ Straight up, this is the best advice on this subject I have seen. It exactly fits experiences I've had of a guy-friend in the past, only he didn't pull himself together and now I don't speak to him or see him because he became scary with it. Be the unscary grown up kind of bloke and it will be good: you'll be able to live with yourself, and when you do find the right woman she'll be able to live with you!0 -
OK Dude, here's a beer >>>>> "BEER". Let's talk. First of all, ask yourself this. Were the things you were doing REALLY for her benefit, or were they really so that you could get closer to her somehow?? Think hard and be honest! I'm betting that some bit of this was a play to keep her corraled and away from other guys. Any chance of that? At one time or another,lot's of us have done that stupid ****. You live and you learn a few things. First off, it's not your job to look after her. She has a right to make her own decisions, even if they are wrong. Secondly, nobody likes being treated like a kid. Put yourself in her shoes.
You're not an *kitten*. An *kitten* would have no self realization of what happened here. If you keep this up, you will earn the badge though. Sounds like you are on to better things. Be a good friend to her. Be there when she needs you. Use her for practice so that you don't fall back into the same trap with the next lady. Get a grip on your emotions. This is your chance to become a better man. Take it!
Here's the last part, and it hurts. Just because a women wants to be your friend doesn't mean she will ever want it to go farther. That's life, and yea we have ALL been there too. You just have to grow some stones and deal with it. You absolutely cannot talk anyone into loving you. Love is illogical. Her rejection was not personal, even though I'm sure it felt that way. If she thought you were an ashole she wouldn't even speak to you. The more you try to force love out of somebody, the faster they will run. You have to be confident in who you are and wait for a better match. You need to forget about a love interest in this woman and pull yourself together.
If you really are a nice guy, you'll find a good match. It may take a while, but you will. In the mean time, if you find a woman that thinks the grass is greener somewhere else, then help her pack and give her a ride. Trying to herd anyone into a pen will end just like this one did.
Not very loving I guess, but there you go. Now finish your beer and get back out there!
^^ Straight up, this is the best advice on this subject I have seen. It exactly fits experiences I've had of a guy-friend in the past, only he didn't pull himself together and now I don't speak to him or see him because he became scary with it. Be the unscary grown up kind of bloke and it will be good: you'll be able to live with yourself, and when you do find the right woman she'll be able to live with you!
Thank you Zen, and everyone who has complimented me. I guess what I wrote struck a chord with many people. Hopefully it has helped. You are right Zen, nobody likes to feel crowded. Crowded = scary. Chasing a fish with a worm never works. Nothing creates attraction like a little distance. It allows both sides to feel like willing participants, and that works wonders 0 -
You are not alone - NO one knows about relationships...they are all different, they all change...they are can be GREAT or they can hurt...be strong - things will get better - (((hugs)))0
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I have tequila, want some? And I like the guy's advice better than mine. :happy:
ill take a shot omg tequila sounds amazing!!!0 -
OK Dude, here's a beer >>>>> "BEER". Let's talk. First of all, ask yourself this. Were the things you were doing REALLY for her benefit, or were they really so that you could get closer to her somehow?? Think hard and be honest! I'm betting that some bit of this was a play to keep her corraled and away from other guys. Any chance of that? At one time or another,lot's of us have done that stupid ****. You live and you learn a few things. First off, it's not your job to look after her. She has a right to make her own decisions, even if they are wrong. Secondly, nobody likes being treated like a kid. Put yourself in her shoes.
You're not an *kitten*. An *kitten* would have no self realization of what happened here. If you keep this up, you will earn the badge though. Sounds like you are on to better things. Be a good friend to her. Be there when she needs you. Use her for practice so that you don't fall back into the same trap with the next lady. Get a grip on your emotions. This is your chance to become a better man. Take it!
Here's the last part, and it hurts. Just because a women wants to be your friend doesn't mean she will ever want it to go farther. That's life, and yea we have ALL been there too. You just have to grow some stones and deal with it. You absolutely cannot talk anyone into loving you. Love is illogical. Her rejection was not personal, even though I'm sure it felt that way. If she thought you were an ashole she wouldn't even speak to you. The more you try to force love out of somebody, the faster they will run. You have to be confident in who you are and wait for a better match. You need to forget about a love interest in this woman and pull yourself together.
If you really are a nice guy, you'll find a good match. It may take a while, but you will. In the mean time, if you find a woman that thinks the grass is greener somewhere else, then help her pack and give her a ride. Trying to herd anyone into a pen will end just like this one did.
Not very loving I guess, but there you go. Now finish your beer and get back out there!
Yes ^ I had a "friend" like this about 2 years ago who I thought really just wanted to be friends. <---Notice I said had. But OP don't worry you'll get through this. Here is some love for you
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