why does my mum say this *kitten* to me???
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I'm not sure if it's constructive to say too much to your mom while you are living with her. If she feels that way, arguing with her about it is just going to be poisonous. It sounds like your goal is to get moved out and you just need to realize that people often look for excuses for the failures in their own lives and like to blame others. You need to realize that this isn't about you at all. Focus on what you can do to get moved out. Water off a duck's back in the mean time. I say this with the idea that you can find a way to move out in the relatively near future and it sounds like something you need to do. If you are going to be there for a while, it might be a good idea to let her know that there's no changing the past and being hateful in the now is only going to be harmful to your relationship with her now and into the future. I still don't know if I'd have that conversation while I was there if I felt like I could get out soon.
If the "brother beating me up" thing is still going on, that warrants a serious discussion, and one possibly involving the authorities.
This is the best advice I've seen in this topic!!!
My mom is that way too, very toxic relationship. Like the saying goes "hurt people hurt people"... I think my mom struggles with mistakes in her life and when she blames someone else it makes her feel better.
Just very negative people out in the world, they wake up intending to have a bad day and then they find someone/something to validate it. If you argue with her about it or tell her how it makes you feel - it probably won't do anything good; I seem to get emotional when my mom says something rude or I say how terrible her words sound.... ticks her off and she will say I am just trying to make my dad take my side or something else that's stupid.
All we can do is try not to carry on the dysfunctional relationships, because sometimes people get out of them saying they will never be like their parents and then they practice some of their habits - even look for a partner that acts in an abusive way.
Be careful, work on yourself. Because you can't make your mom change.
Good luck
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I didn't even read any other posts, which isn't my style, just because I want to say:
READREADREAD the book "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward. Someone actually posted about it on an MFP thread probably close to a year ago. I picked it up, even though I'm a very stubborn, "this can't help me" type of person.
It literally changed my life.
You probably won't get a wonderful, happy family filled with flowers that you'd ideally want, but this book really, really helps YOU from getting upset about it, helps YOU deal with comments like this, and can seriously help you essentially cope and defuse instances like this with your mom or brother (I've applied many of the things in the book to my sister with behavioral problems to good success).
THIS. Another good one is "Unloving Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt," by Peg Streep.
You need to realize in a deep and true place that this is NOT normal and it is NOT okay. You are worth it. You are worth everything.0 -
People say that stuff because they themselves feel worthless and need to try and make it look like its not THEIR fault.
Dont let such crap bring you down. Counseling will help....and, yes, books to help you understand the other persons problem. Because it IS their problem....not yours.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}0 -
Some people take out their failures in life or regrets on their kids. It is not your fault she isn't happy with her life. It isn't even the fact that she got pregnant that caused it. There are plenty of successful parents who became parents early and led a fulfilled life later, so don't ever feel like you are worthless or a mistake in this world. You make yourself what you are and if you want to be an amazing, fit, gorgeous, hilarious, intelligent, etc person, you can be all of it and more by dedicating yourself to it.0
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You're 20. You don't have to tolerate that. Even if she's your mother, you don't need to tolerate it. Being a parent doesn't give you license to ruin your child's life.0
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Nothing.
Your mother may have a personality disorder. Basically, she's evil and toxic.
I find this very offensive. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and depression and I can tell you now, I am neither evil, nor toxic. I am getting rather tired of these silly stereotypes that mental illnesses = crazy messed up people, because that whole presumption seems crazy to me. Someone does not have to have any mental illness label to be a nasty evil person, trust me.
To the OP, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, if you're pretty young or no means to be able to move out and support yourself for a while, are there any family members or friends you can go stay with for a while?0 -
She says it because she needs help. She needs to be in therapy. On the other hand, you need to decide whether you want to keep that negativity in your life. You should not have to deal with that. My mother says she wishes she'd aborted my oldest younger brother and me, and just had the 3 younger than us. I haven't spoken to her in years, best decision I ever made.
^^GOOD FOR YOU MOMMAGEORGIE!!!!!
I cant even BEGIN to imagine ANY mother saying ANY of these things to their children!! that is just AWEFUL!!!!
YOU DO NOT DESERVE ANY OF THIS!! You are a better person than this and dont deserve to be down-graded like this. I say distance is your best option!! GOOD LUCK and I will say a prayer for you!!!!0 -
Nothing.
Your mother may have a personality disorder. Basically, she's evil and toxic.
I find this very offensive. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and depression and I can tell you now, I am neither evil, nor toxic.
Why is what she said offensive?
From what it sounds like, her mother IS evil and toxic..mental illness or not. Nothing wrong was said here..0 -
Heartbreaking
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Sometimes you have to divorce your parents. The things she has said to you are toxic. If she is letting your brother beat up on you that's abusive and toxic too. Is there any way you could live at Uni? When my verbally abusive, alcoholic father decided to divorce my mother and my sister and I, I didn't see him for years. I tried to contact him just before he died of a heart attack in his front yard and the explative deleted that he was living with refused to let me speak to him. Their problem. Not mine! I didn't deserve to be treated the way he did but it is what it is. Go get therapy. *HUGS*0
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Nothing.
Your mother may have a personality disorder. Basically, she's evil and toxic.
I find this very offensive. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and depression and I can tell you now, I am neither evil, nor toxic.
Why is what she said offensive?
From what it sounds like, her mother IS evil and toxic..mental illness or not. Nothing wrong was said here..
Not the evil or toxic part, because I agree but the assumption at the beginning she may have a personality disorder which would link to the evil and toxic comment0 -
Sounds like my mother, saying the first hateful, hurtful thing she could think of. Took me until my mid 30's to realize it wasn't about me. It was about how unhappy she was with her life, taking it out on me seemed to make her feel better in some twisted way. Point being, her life and life choices are her responsibility, not yours. So try to let it pass right on by you, don't take it in. As for the brother, make it clear next time, you are calling the cops. Assualt is assualt, doesn't matter who it is. And most important, get a counselor and move out of the toxic place ASAP! Reaching out to folks on this site is a good first step, but you need someone you can actually speak with who can help you realize it isn't your fault or issue and maybe help you find a way out sooner rather than later. Good luck.0
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Honey, this isn't your fault. Your Mom needs help! I am so sorry you are being abused like this. Just KNOW it is NOT your fault.0
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Honey, this isn't your fault. Your Mom needs help! I am so sorry you are being abused like this. Just KNOW it is NOT your fault.
^^ This! Please never think it's your fault because it's not. There are a lot of bad people in this world and sadly you have one with you, but it is not your fault I can guarantee.0 -
I wouldn't even pay any attention to what she has to say tbh. You didn't ask her to become your mother, she has an obligation to you. Some parents will always be losers in not willing to accept resposibility. Obviously she has issues of her own going on. Regardless of her reasons for her ridiculous behaviour, it is not your problem. As my grandmother would put ''you made them (children), you mind them!''
Don't worry about her, do your own thing!0 -
I'm not sure if it's constructive to say too much to your mom while you are living with her. If she feels that way, arguing with her about it is just going to be poisonous. It sounds like your goal is to get moved out and you just need to realize that people often look for excuses for the failures in their own lives and like to blame others. You need to realize that this isn't about you at all. Focus on what you can do to get moved out. Water off a duck's back in the mean time. I say this with the idea that you can find a way to move out in the relatively near future and it sounds like something you need to do. If you are going to be there for a while, it might be a good idea to let her know that there's no changing the past and being hateful in the now is only going to be harmful to your relationship with her now and into the future. I still don't know if I'd have that conversation while I was there if I felt like I could get out soon.
If the "brother beating me up" thing is still going on, that warrants a serious discussion, and one possibly involving the authorities.
Couldn't agree more!0 -
wow! that's some pretty harsh words.. sorry you had to hear these , let alone from your mom..0
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:noway: Sounds like your Mother is a very bitter, angry, and hurting woman. She IS a toxic person in your life, and as soon as you can I recommend that you move out, on, and upward. I cannot imagine saying anything like that to my kids, ever. No, you do not deserve to be abused, and maybe you should call the authorities about your brother. You are an adult, and do NOT have to take this abuse.0
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Have you been a good girl alll your life or you're the black sheep of the family.
Everybody is hating ur mom and judging her, it could be she's been saying that due to how she feels, angry, caused by you. Anybody can say anything hurtful to another person even ones child when angry.
Am not saying its right for her to say that but at least let's give her the benefit of the doubt, your brother beating you could be because he's trying to beat sense into you.
Your story is incomplete, I think there are issues that are causing all this, as a mother I will never want to tell that to my child no matter what but then I can never tell till am in a similar situation like what exists between u and ur mom.
It's easy for us to say the mother has a disorder or she's a bad person, don't judge cos u don't know her.
You would want to be ****ing kidding me?!
No. My brother is autistic which means he has anger issues which means it is "okay". I have never done or said anything wrong to my parents.
Abuse is never okay.0 -
Family can really be very cruel, even more so than strangers/bullies. When I was battling annorexia in college my older brother said to me, 'It doesn't matter what you look like, you will always be chubs to me.' Chubs was his nick-name for me. My mother called me pumpkin because I had 'such fat cheeks'. So I really do feel your pain. What you need to do is make sure you do not become like
that. Since you know the pain it causes, make sure your own future children do not have to deal with that BS.
Sorry hon that your samily is being so sucky!0
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