Dating - Resentment

Emma_Problema

Maybe people here are talking about two different things: Dating/hooking up and having a serious relationship... Of you're looking for someone to show off at a business event or to hook up with a couple of times, looks are what matters most obviously. If you're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, looks very quickly become secondary (or SHOULD).

To those who say they would never be with someone who is not skinny or who wants to be with someone who is not skinny: What if your body changes during the course of your relationship? Would you get divorced? What if you gain weight due to pregnancy or a medical condition? Do you want your husband to divorce you? Would that be okay? What if you gained weight simply because you ate too much or stopped exercising? Divorce? What if you have an accident and your body/face doesn't look the same - which makes you feel less attractive. Would this be a reason for divorce? Once you fell in love with somebody, built a life together, have a family, a home etc. - would things like that really matter that much?

I had some rough times relationship-wise this year. Maybe I'm expecting too much good of ordinary men...

This. This is a great point. Over time our bodies change. So, yes, there has to be something other than our physical appearance to have a healthy and long-lasting relationship. And also, I would never want a man that would tell me I wasn't attractive before I lost weight. I'm always going to be hot no matter how much weight I lose or gain.

Also, another point. I lost a ton of weight a few years ago. Maybe 20 lb lighter than I am right now. And guess what? I didn't automatically become hotter. All the men did not suddenly flock to me. I've actually gotten around the same reaction from men despite a 30 lb fluctuation in weight. Given, I haven't ever really lost a significant amount of weight. 20 lbs on a 6 ft frame isn't that much. But I have feeling people overestimate the outcome of losing weight.

LoraF83

Maybe people here are talking about two different things: Dating/hooking up and having a serious relationship... Of you're looking for someone to show off at a business event or to hook up with a couple of times, looks are what matters most obviously. If you're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, looks very quickly become secondary (or SHOULD).

To those who say they would never be with someone who is not skinny or who wants to be with someone who is not skinny: What if your body changes during the course of your relationship? Would you get divorced? What if you gain weight due to pregnancy or a medical condition? Do you want your husband to divorce you? Would that be okay? What if you gained weight simply because you ate too much or stopped exercising? Divorce? What if you have an accident and your body/face doesn't look the same - which makes you feel less attractive. Would this be a reason for divorce? Once you fell in love with somebody, built a life together, have a family, a home etc. - would things like that really matter that much?

I had some rough times relationship-wise this year. Maybe I'm expecting too much good of ordinary men...

Being with someone and having a history with them and then they have a weight gain is completely different than not being initially attracted to someone because they are overweight.

I put on a lot of weight during the course of my marriage, as did my husband. He still loved me and treated me wonderfully, but we'd probably both be lying if we said that our attraction levels for each other were at an all time high when our weight was also up there. Are things better now, sexually, that we've both lost weight? Yeah. That doesn't mean that there was something wrong with our marriage - it means that our weight gains were bad for our sex life. And, I was probably a b*tch a lot more often that necessary, simply because I felt bad about myself and was so unhappy. There's that confidence issue again!

We've been together for 13 years (married for 7.5 of that), so we've a decent amount of life change and weight ups & downs. You work through it, and you marriage is stronger if you can, but there's nothing wrong with someone saying that they don't find "fat" attractive.

ridofthegoodies

Congratulations on putting yourself and your happiness before any future relationship. I believe both new friends and new partners want to be with happy people, though *fit AND happy* people are a bonus.

kdeaux1959

Nice profile pic and you have a darling son.

Perhaps the bigger question is why did you not like yourself as much when you were bigger. When we lose weight, WE START BEHAVING DIFFERENTLY. We tend to have more self-confidence. I think the bigger issue has been your own life issues and general unhappiness with yourself with regard to your weight and past relationship issues. You are a person of value. You are a person of value whether somebody you trusted betrayed that trust and hurt you or if you are 20-40 lbs overweight.

It is impossible to assume that somebody we have not known (or even did know) did not take an interest in us because of our weight. Is it the weight or is it something else? The main thing is do they treat you and your son well now? Do what you can do to take care of yourself and enjoy life.

I hope I don't sound harsh with these comments; anybody who knows me, knows that I am not that way... Sometimes the written word does not convey with the same sense of compassion that our voice inflection would deliver... If these comments offend, please forgive me but I thought they were worth considering.

Best wishes on attaining all your goals.