How do you accomplish your own dreams while married..?

Dreamerlove

How do you accomplish your own dreams while married? I got married really young at 20 yrs old. No kids. I am now 24 and I haven't really done anything for myself. College got put on hold, everything. I love my husband as a person but I am growing up and have dreams, he really doesn't have the desire to do any of them either. He will say he does but never acts on it. If I try to act on them he says we don't have the money. Here are a few, learning to play guitar, Hiking the Appalachian trials, Living near the beach, deep sea fishing, Riding a horse, etc.

I'm just asking for advice if anyone has been in the same boat. I am not trying to bash him, just trying to figure out who I am too and make myself happy. Everything I have done in the past 4 years has been with someone else. I am losing myself slowly.

I am back in school, but for example I want to go to UNC Wilmington in the fall, but he doesn't want to move..

skylark94

You've got to make a way to be your own person. If it requires a job, education, whatever it's up to you to do it.

There must be compromise though. Asking him to move so you can attend the college of your choice may be a stretch. Pick a school close to home.

usmcmp

I'm divorced and raise two kids on my own while having a full time job. I am also going to school to finish my Master's in Psychology and I will be competing in a bodybuilding competition in April. I am able to accomplish my dreams because I want them that bad. I spend my lunch hour in the gym. I stay up late and do homework after the kids are in bed and my weekends are packed with activities like soccer tots, grocery shopping, gym and homework.

I can't tell you how to accomplish your dreams because when you want it bad enough you'll find a way.

Jesstruhan

I'm struggling a little with this, too. I want to travel (it's top priority) or live abroad for a while and my other half doesn't want to move. Ever. He wants to stay in the same city. Forever. Really? I can't stay in one spot forever. I'll wither up and die. I like to travel. He says I am more of a homebody than I think, but that's not entirely true. I may not be outgoing, but I like to adventure.
Anyhow, you have to do what is best for you. I gave up on an important decision for a man once before in my life. I always regretted making that decision and I blamed him for it every day.
If you don't make some plans and move on with your life, your other half never will. There will always be an excuse. There will never be a "right time" financially. If you want something, plan for it. If he really loves you, he'll understand and you'll work out how to be a couple where you can both be happy. If he's only worried about being happy and it's at your expense, that's not cool. I know everyone has to sacrifice in a relationship, but of something is truly important to you, you can't let that go. You'll resent him for not following your dream, and that is far more toxic than going for it.

Jesstruhan

I can't tell you how to accomplish your dreams because when you want it bad enough you'll find a way.
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^^^This. Well said!

Toya2xcel

You've got to make a way to be your own person. If it requires a job, education, whatever it's up to you to do it.

There must be compromise though. Asking him to move so you can attend the college of your choice may be a stretch. Pick a school close to home.

this is some good advice!

meggonkgonk

It's all about talking and communicating. I've been with my boyfriend almost my whole adult life (9 years and bit) but it hasn't held me back. He similarly doesn't often act on self improvement the way I like to but we plan things out so we can both experience new things we enjoy.

Just make it clear that you want to accomplish these things and it's important to you to prioritize them as a couple. Make lists of what they are, ask him if he shares any of those desires. Then plan out which you *can* afford and when you can afford them. Even if it's just one a year or something, you will get things done.

phillipspage

Being married is all about supporting your partner. Sometimes it's harder to do that. My advice? Do what you want to do. Even if he disagrees or doesn't support it. You have to do what's going to make you happy (as does he), otherwise you'll both be stuck in an unhappy relationship. As long as you're not neglecting the relationship he should understand that. I'd start to worry when he blames your interests for problems in the relationship. Learning the guitar isn't going to hurt anyone. Neither is going back to school. I would suggest, however, that you compromise some things. For example, is going to that specific school vitally important? If you can get the same education closer to you, do it.

Let me put it this way: You doing what makes you happy should make him happy and should help your relationship grow. Try something new and maybe when he sees you doing it he'll understand and support and join in.

AnahitaCanDoIt

This is a major issue in my opinion. Not because you have different ways of going about things or different goals. Moreso, because if someone loves you, and it's within their power, they will want you to be the best YOU that you can be and they will compromise.

I'd push it and push and do the things anyway. You can offer to cut back on things (to buy) that you have control over that don't effect him in order to save the money to do things like horse riding or travel.

I travel a lot without my hubby and 2 kids because it's part of who I am and my husband 100pc supports this.

Dreamerlove

Even if it hurts that person? He talks the talk for all this stuff with me, but when it comes down to it, he says we don't have the money? I can pick up a second job on Saturday nights and use that money for myself but then I feel selfish because he doesn't have the time to pick up a second job for him to have extra cash, so should I split that income?

Moving to Wilmington is only like 3 hours from where I live, I have been talking about for 3 years, I would do it for him. That's why it upsets me, He knows its important to me.

sunnyside1213

I supported my husband through 2 masters degrees and 6 moves for his job. Then the midlife crisis came. He got the sports car, boat, and younger woman in that order. I was a 45 year old stay at home Mom without a resume and no spousal support.. All the women on here should be prepared to support them selves at the very least. Trust me, in 20 years you will not be sorry for the things you did. You will be sorry for the things you didn't do.

Signed, Older than dirt in CO

SeaJenni

Join co-dependents anonymous. If you can't accomplish what you want to accomplish, and you can say for certain that it isn't because of your own co-dependency issues, than maybe this is not the marriage for you.

Fit2BeFly

It's about compromising. I married young at 18 and now 33. I dealt with this issue and continue to. It's normal to want more and better for yourself. My husband was reluctant to change & it almost lead to a divorce. We had to sit down, talk it out and come up with a solution. I wanted to go back to school to finish my masters, but I couldn't expect him to change his work hours, primarily be responsible for household task & attend my kids games by himself. In order to compromise, I am taking classes online. It's about giving and taking. He has dreams, he may not speak of them, but I promise you he does. He may be a little afraid of losing you or himself. My husband was, but he supports me 100% b/c he now understands that it takes a team and neither one of us can expect to do it alone. I continue to grow and change, but I find a way to get it done. I want it that bad!!

usmcmp

Even if it hurts that person? He talks the talk for all this stuff with me, but when it comes down to it, he says we don't have the money? I can pick up a second job on Saturday nights and use that money for myself but then I feel selfish because he doesn't have the time to pick up a second job for him to have extra cash, so should I split that income?

Moving to Wilmington is only like 3 hours from where I live, I have been talking about for 3 years, I would do it for him. That's why it upsets me, He knows its important to me.

This is all stuff you need to say to him. These questions are ones the two of you need to find the answers to. If you can't do it on your own then find a professional to help.

dmpizza

Can you be physically separated while you go to UNC? By the way, I love that area.

Dreamerlove

Thanks you guys. I do know that we both need to compromise, but I feel like the past three years I haven't accomplished anything (besides going from 150.5 to 133 all by myself!) The rate I am on now, It is getting to me, I am a dreamer I am a traveler too, I love adventure and I feel trapped. He knows all this, its nothing new. We had a ROUGH first 2 years of marriage and that's why I was failing college. This last semester I made myself do well and my GPA is now 3.33. I can accomplish things. I just wished I had his support or he had my desire. He says he wants to finish school but he hasn't done anything on that either. I promise I am not trying to make him look bad or anything he has a good heart, just no motivation. I just need advice from others and to vent.

joybedford

I am married with 3 kids. 2 of my kids have autism and 1 also ADHD I work full time and my husband also works full time, I work nights he works days. I also workout 6 days a week because this is important to me, in the past year I have successfully completed a number of 10ks and a half marathon. My husband rarely works out saying he doesn't have time, but physically and psychologically I need to workout my husband doesn't get it and will occasionally have a go at me because the house isn't tidy or a shirt not ironed but this is my priority. I make sure my family are sorted of course but everything else can take a backseat. When I didn't make my health a priority everyone suffers. If you don't follow your dreams you -may end up resenting him. You need to talk to him about this and make sure your feelings are heard.

cemwebster

With 20+ years of marriage, here are a few pointers that work for me:

1. Separate your finances. We have three types of bank accounts: House, his and mine.
a. We both contribute to the House. We renegotiate what each of us contributes to the House based on our current individual finances and our joint plans. House bills are paid from the House account. We have a mortgage. When money is tight, we spend less. We money is good, we spend more, like taking vacations together.
b. His accounts have his money from his sources of income. Once he contributes to the House, how he spends his money is his business.
c. My accounts have my money from my sources of income. Once I contribute to the House, how I spend my money is my business.

2. Have separate and joint goals.
This year was a good year for us. We has several trips together and we both traveled a few times on our own.
I like to work out on a regular basis. He likes to play computer games on a regular basis. We watch "The Big Bang Theory" TV show together.

Long-term partnerships require BOTH partners to contribute and BOTH to compromise.

BeetleChe13

I just go for it! Most of your dreams are more than achievable (and don't seem to require much money, so his excuse isn't valid). I just started going back to school this year after putting it on hold, and my husband is supporting me. He has no determination to follow his own dreams, but that doesn't mean he can hold me back from achieving mine. I always wanted to write my own book, and I did that this year too while he cheered me on. Tell your husband how you feel about this: does he know that you feel like he's holding you back? I know it'll be a tough conversation, but you said he knows how important these things are to you.

StarryOne

Well, first of all, I completely disagree with this: Being married is all about supporting your partner. My husband and I have been very happily married for 11 years and I don't think supporting each other has anything to do with it. We love each other, enjoy time together, and really genuinely assure we are still our own people. I have traveled internationally a few times without him because he didn't want to go- but there was no way I was going to miss out on an opportunity to see things I want to see. We don't share money- I don't know how much he earns or has in his bank account- nor does he know what is in mine. We both put the same $$ into a joint account each paycheck to pay the mortgage, heat, etc. Without asking or discussing it with the husband, I went back to school and got a Master's Degree- and paid for it on my own and loved the challenge, but he didn't 'support' me in this endeavor. I often have plans without him 3-5 times a week and don't ask permission or even necessarily tell him what I am up to. We completely trust each other and respect our independence- we are 2 separate people, why would marriage change that? You need to pursue what makes you happy and be your own person.

calliandrea

I wanted to go back to school to finish my masters, but I couldn't expect him to change his work hours, primarily be responsible for household task & attend my kids games by himself. In order to compromise, I am taking classes online. It's about giving and taking. He has dreams, he may not speak of them, but I promise you he does. He may be a little afraid of losing you or himself. My husband was, but he supports me 100% b/c he now understands that it takes a team and neither one of us can expect to do it alone. I continue to grow and change, but I find a way to get it done. I want it that bad!!

This. After marrying, I found out that I could finish my degree online after leaving school 6 years before due to money issues. It took a lot of compromise from both my husband and I in order to make it work, and it is taking longer than if I was on campus, but I found a way to do it. My husband isn't always supportive, but he knows how much this means to me and he would never think of making me quit. Just talk to your husband and be willing to compromise. Maybe for know, doing school online would be a compromise in order to prove to your husband how committed you are to do this.

lwagnitz

I'm young and married too. I got married when I was 18. I'm the same way you are, but fortunately for us, we are the same level. We are very good and communicating. For example, I'm staying here for one more year for him to graduate at his school, and am taking online at the school I'm going to until he graduates...then we'll move down there. When we move, and after he gets his career set, I'm going to quit my job and focus on my schooling and get it done (as I am planning on finishing my PhD in Criminal Psychology), and it is very time consuming and demanding as I'll need a lot of internships, research projects, etc. We also want to start having kids at this time. I think it's best for you guys to sit down and have a talk about your short term, and long term goals. That's what worked for us.

bizorra

Have you thought about sitting down and making a 5-yr plan? Fulfilling your dreams can cost money, it's a matter of picking an choosing what's important to make them happen.

Two years ago my husband and I both felt trapped in jobs we hated. When an opportunity came up for me to move cross-country, we sat down and looked at what the choice would mean, and what the next 5 years would look like. I'm learning and developing in a job that pays enough for him to work part-time and return to school. We acknowledge the sacrifices made for this to happen, but know the long-term reward will be worth it.

You've been given a lot of great advice here - at the end of the day it's your life and your dreams and only you can make them happen.

danifo0811

Part of marriage is to also allow the other person to grow. However, money is also important as I believe you shouldn't do it if you can't afford it. I'd start with small dreams like learning guitar or going horseback riding.

I have lots of dreams but it is reality (money, kids, work, time) that limits my ability to do them. My husband has never said I couldn't do something but we talk a lot about how we see things and our priorities for the near future. Our big goals are the same. I give him the same courtesy that I expect regarding big decisions.

How big a change would it be for him to move for your school? Could he easily find a comparable job?

We've been together for almost 20 years and our money has been combined for 15.

danifo0811

double post

Dreamerlove

I'm going to print off all your responses, they are all so dear to me at this time.

Peaches516

I can't tell you how to accomplish your dreams because when you want it bad enough you'll find a way.

^^^This. Well said!
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Totally agree, 100%. I wanted to travel, and I found a way to make it work. I applied to various programs when I was 24, and was lucky enough to be accepted to a program to study abroad in Europe for a full year, all expenses paid.

I was unemployed for a year after I moved back to the U.S., so I didn't have much money. Staying in all the time was not fun at all. I ended up working part time for a dance studio and getting free classes in return.

Honestly, some of your goals seem attainable, like learning how to play the guitar. My friends would always ask how I had enough money to travel. The thing they didn't realize was that I had a very strict budget, always packed my lunch, and lived at home with my folks for a couple of years to save on rent. You'll find a way if it's that important to you.

j4nash

What do you want to major in? If it's a degree that will result in a good job then don't see any problem with moving. Now if it's a degree to have a degree without any thought put into a career path then it doesn't make much sense. I'd stick with figuring out how to get a good career going so that you will have the means to pursue anything that you want to do. It sounds like you're relying on your husband and his reluctance to pay for your hobbies is becoming an issue.

Roboartist

You've got to make a way to be your own person. If it requires a job, education, whatever it's up to you to do it.

There must be compromise though. Asking him to move so you can attend the college of your choice may be a stretch. Pick a school close to home.

I think skylark has really summed it up. I got married young at 21 and will be celebrating 22 years of marriage this June. In that time I dropped out of school to move for his job because we both knew it was the best decision and I don't regret it one bit., I dropped back in to school, tried learning guitar only to find that it really wasn't for me after all and have had many failures and successes in trying out those things we had always dreamed of doing for ourselves..

We have both worked with eachother through decisions to follow our own dreams and that has been the key. When we have dreams we want to share with eachother we try to negotiate. My husband dragged me onto a horse for the first time in my life last year because he had been wanting to ride and I loved it. I dragged him to a ballroom dance class tha we both ended up hating lol.

You have the rest of yor life together to find and follow your dreams, remind yourself that you don't have to do everything now but at the same time don't sit back and do nothing at all. If you really want something badly enough you will find a way, I would highly recommend talking over the big stuff with your husband because he just might offer you some perspective or alternatives that you hadn't thought of. That is the kind of stuff that cements a relationship, when you find a way to work as a team.

Follow your dreams!

lina011

me and my partner travel but this year i am staying in one spot for 3 month cos i need to complete my certificate in fitness , he somehow does not like that but ive put my foot down and said i am doing this!!!"
its about time i do something for myself, i hope your husband can come to agreements on things that you will like to do if not maybe you need to do things by yourself.

MsRehel

Hi, I just read an artical in opra`s Jan, magazine, you have to read it, I'm kinda in the same boat as your self,I read it and high lighted so key frazes in the inter view, the woman she is inter viewing talks about your gut feeling, I will read it every day( the stuff I hight lighted ) I got very inspired from it, Its going to change my life.