Getting the Husband on board! Why is it so hard?

BurtHuttz

Ultimatums never work.
Anyway, he doesn't have to exercise to lose weight.

Jacwhite22

Bargain with him. Try to find something he would actually enjoy. Maybe it isn't even the gym, but hiking, or canoeing or anything physical.

This.....but without the enjoying the physical activity part. Use a reward system........Every day he goes to the gym and works out for an hour he gets a b*@w(#b. Trust me. It works. Then you are both happy.

As for your ultimatum.....Id rethink that. It's not healthy and it's not right. If you want to work on the marriage.....work on it.....accept him as he is. If you don't think you can do that then move on so he can find someone who will. It's OK to talk to him, express your concerns and try to get him to change because you love him and you want him to be healthy.......but "fix it or I'm leaving you" isn't the way to handle it.

NJGmywholewrld

I too have depression. I know from personal experience that there is nothing that you can say or do that is going to "make" him start focusing on his physical health. In all honesty, that is the least of his worries. He needs to focus on his mental health first and foremost. As I have said, I know personally. Not only because I suffer from depression, but because I divorced my husband of 17 years for some of the same reasons. Reality is, that we just grew apart and I was making excuses. It had nothing to do with him not wanting to workout or eat healthy. Do some soul searching and figure out if the health issues are really your biggest issues.

Pookylou

It's not so much the not being into fitness as it is the fact that he is never happy. I know that losing weight and getting active can help extremely with that and with his asthma. I like alot about him but its becoming increasingly harder to like someone who doesn't like them self

Exercise is great for depression, but if it is a serious issue he may need treatment/support beyond what you can provide. I had a friend married to a depressive, 7 years in they are divorcing as he is unwilling to get help.....

Improvised

Ultimatums never work.
Anyway, he doesn't have to exercise to lose weight.

Agreed. I try to cook and serve healthy meals so that even if my husband has seconds or thirds, it's not going to be a calorie buster.

bubbaduts

Yes clinically depressed and refuses medication. We tried the marriage counseling and he quit after 4 sessions saying he felt ganged up on and last month quit his individual counseling as well.

It's not so much the not being into fitness as it is the fact that he is never happy. I know that losing weight and getting active can help extremely with that and with his asthma. I like alot about him but its becoming increasingly harder to like someone who doesn't like them self

When you say he is depressed has he been clinically diagnosed, is it a self diagnosis? Or is it short hand for being a bit of a downer? Cause I would probably have different advice depending on that...

_VoV

My husband is a gym rat, and wants me to be too. It's not my thing.

I like a more natural way to exercise. In other words, I'd rather lay a patio than lift free weights. I like productive work, and I say that without judgment. That's me.

I would say to engage in a discussion with your husband rather than think he needs to do things your way. Yes, it's sweet about that couple crossing the finish line together, but my guess is that even with couples running the race together, that most finish apart since one is faster than the other, and wants to show their optimal performance.

For a different slant on exercise, check this out: http://zenhabits.net/fit13/

Edited for a more accurate link.

Lone_Wolf70

have y looked in the mirror and said "maybe its my fault cause of my nagging?"

Articeluvsmemphis

continue being an example and leave him the heck alone. no one made me ready, until it was time for me to be ready

bubbaduts

lol yes actually i have!

have y looked in the mirror and said "maybe its my fault cause of my nagging?"

quirkytizzy

Yes clinically depressed and refuses medication. We tried the marriage counseling and he quit after 4 sessions saying he felt ganged up on and last month quit his individual counseling as well.

Alright, I'm reversing course. This would also push me to consider ending a relationship. I'm mentally ill myself and cannot be in a relationship with someone who is not in treatment themselves (should they also be mentally ill.) It is too much and destroys my own equilibrium.

Maybe take some therapy time for yourself and figure out what you need to do to keep yourself healthy. I know you feel like taking drastic measures right this second - and they may be what you NEED to take in the end - but spend some time thinking, planning, and communicating about it.

Kaathmandu

I had been dieting and working for about two years, probably lost about 50kg before my husband started to do something. He has now lost 30kg, and tells me I was his inspiration! :blushing:
He even stayed on programme over Christmas, something I didn't do!
We are lucky in that, generally, what works for me, works for him. But everyone is different, and running may never be his thing. He has to do it his way, just as you are doing it your way.
And he will only do it when he is ready, just as you did it when you were ready.
Depression is a very difficult thing to live with, I know, and I know ultimatums won't work.
Maybe try some fun activities you both like, and take the pressure (ultimatum) off.
Remember why you loved him in the first place and try some romantic re-connecting.
That's what I reckon.
Good luck!!

TrailRunner61

Think back to before you wanted to lead a healthier lifestyle. Now ask yourself how motivated you would be if your HUSBAND gave YOU that ultimatum? Would it inspire you to get healthier? Probably not. He has to do it on his own and working through his depression is what he has to do first. He has to be able to CARE about himself and his health before he can do anything about it. Depression is serious and no one can just magically 'snap out of it' and be happy. I'd still encourage him to get counseling. If he wasn't happy with the therapist he saw before, he needs a new one.
Keep working on your own weight loss goals, stop nagging him about his weight/health. Like you, he will do it when he's ready.
Good luck and <hugs>

ElectricMayhem

Simple - you can't. Your husband needs to decide for himself that his mental and physical health are important enough to make a change.

I would have to agree ...I've been doing this for almost a year now and i'm halfway to my goal (slow and steady right? lol) and i also quit smoking 10 months ago....my husband STILL smokes and really has no motivation to exercise. He DOES eat everything i cook with no complaints but he eats ginormous portions which kind of defeats the purpose. Our situation is a little different though, he encourages me but i hear him making jokes about himself along the lines of being the "fat husband" and now that i'm in better mental and physical shape i notice the differences in our attitudes and daily activites, etc. (i too suffer from depression but have seen a real change since losing weight) i really want him to join me so he too can feel better about himself and have more energy!! I've tried gently encouraging him, bribing him and even begging him but ultimately he has told me he will do it "When i'm ready", so i sit back patiently waiting for him to make some changes. We brought home a treadmill yesterday so i'm hoping now that he has access to it in our home he will hop on it and at least start by walking And don't forget, you too were once in your husband's shoes, think about if he wanted to leave you for the same reasons...just food for thought.

_VoV

Think back to before you wanted to lead a healthier lifestyle. Now ask yourself how motivated you would be if your HUSBAND gave YOU that ultimatum? Would it inspire you to get healthier? Probably not. He has to do it on his own and working through his depression is what he has to do first. He has to be able to CARE about himself and his health before he can do anything about it. Depression is serious and no one can just magically 'snap out of it' and be happy. I'd still encourage him to get counseling. If he wasn't happy with the therapist he saw before, he needs a new one.
Keep working on your own weight loss goals, stop nagging him about his weight/health. Like you, he will do it when he's ready.
Good luck and <hugs>

I hate to say it, but sometimes nagging and ultimatums cause some people to get passive aggressive because they feel disrespected. I think this is one of the hardest things about being married, but unless you figure it out, your marriage will be strained. In my opinion, every marriage needs togetherness, as well as separateness to survive.

felice03

I am sure telling him either he get fit with you or you are leaving did wonders for his self image...

MB_Positif

As far as healthy eating goes, my husband didn't have much choice since I do 99% of the grocery shopping and cooking around here, but as far as exercise goes, I was doing this for myself. My husband finally decided about 9 months later to start exercising on his own. You've already given an ultimatum which puts you in a rough spot. He'll probably fight the change more now out of spite

bubbaduts

My aha moment was actually october 2nd 2010 my husband told me i was "getting really fat" we have always had a very blunt relationship but that hurt and made me want to get better for him and myself i joined mfp that week and a gym and havent looked back. I guess i thought if i do the same thing to him it might have the same affect.

Think back to before you wanted to lead a healthier lifestyle. Now ask yourself how motivated you would be if your HUSBAND gave YOU that ultimatum? Would it inspire you to get healthier? Probably not. He has to do it on his own and working through his depression is what he has to do first. He has to be able to CARE about himself and his health before he can do anything about it. Depression is serious and no one can just magically 'snap out of it' and be happy. I'd still encourage him to get counseling. If he wasn't happy with the therapist he saw before, he needs a new one.
Keep working on your own weight loss goals, stop nagging him about his weight/health. Like you, he will do it when he's ready.
Good luck and <hugs>

ironanimal

What exercise has HE tried to do? (read; not what have you dragged him along for) Cardio is IMO, a soul-destroying, mind numbing pursuit only enjoyed by the spawn of hell. Seeing progression with freeweights, I find helps my mood tremendously and provides it's own rewards when you get to add a few pounds to the bar.

melanogaster

Well, to start with, having one's spouse make ultimatums about getting fit will not improve one's depression. You going to want to separate the depression and the not-working-out in your own mind; yes, probably working out would improve some of his depression symptoms, but not working out is probably not the cause of the depression, and the utter sense of the futility of everything that comes from the depression is not going to make him inclined to work out - and makes your ultimatums more inclined to fail than even what they'd otherwise be.

I was in a similar position to you for a long time. My husband was very depressed, wouldn't work out with me, would sabotage my efforts by suggesting we go out to eat every other night or buying ridiculous quantities of snack food or suggesting we stay in a watch movie marathons instead of going out and exercising. His depression stemmed, to a substantial amount, from being unemployed (and because he was depressed, he didn't perhaps put the effort into getting employed that one might hope). During this time, I finally realized that nothing (Nothing!) I could do was going to make him "snap out of it", but at the same time I didn't need to be dragged down by it. He wasn't holding a gun to my head and saying "eat all this snack food", or hiding the car keys and saying "you HAVE to stay in and watch these movies", or anything like that. I could make my own choices, I could leave him home if he wanted to stay in, I could eat what I wanted to. As I started taking responsibility for MY choices, instead of berating him for HIS... he started to come along on my walking trips, eat salads, and make better choices about things in general. When he was feeling particularly down, I'd either just let him be, or I'd say that I was going on a walk, and I'd love some company. Sometimes I'd stay in, or eat something absurd, but I looked at it and realized that those days were about me and my bad moods (because I'm certainly not always bright and cheery, myself) and my bad decisions, and not that about his undue influence. That realization made a huge difference in my understanding and my happiness.

When the ultimate cause of his depression finally resolved itself - he actually pretty much got his dream job, after more than six years of unemployment - his mood improved considerably. Our relationship improved - our joint actions and decisions improved - things are looking up and I love him more than ever. He certainly isn't suddenly a fitness nut, but he goes on walks on the weekends with me, and he eats better, but mostly he just feels better about himself. I've moved into focusing on weight loss and improved fitness for myself (because, due to my own crazy emotional life, I've let things slip badly in the last year or so), and I'm optimistic that as I become visibly healthier and more active, he'll follow suit... but if he does, it will be for his own reasons and in his own time.