Getting the Husband on board! Why is it so hard?
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Yes clinically depressed and refuses medication. We tried the marriage counseling and he quit after 4 sessions saying he felt ganged up on and last month quit his individual counseling as well.
Alright, I'm reversing course. This would also push me to consider ending a relationship. I'm mentally ill myself and cannot be in a relationship with someone who is not in treatment themselves (should they also be mentally ill.) It is too much and destroys my own equilibrium.
Maybe take some therapy time for yourself and figure out what you need to do to keep yourself healthy. I know you feel like taking drastic measures right this second - and they may be what you NEED to take in the end - but spend some time thinking, planning, and communicating about it.0 -
I had been dieting and working for about two years, probably lost about 50kg before my husband started to do something. He has now lost 30kg, and tells me I was his inspiration! :blushing:
He even stayed on programme over Christmas, something I didn't do!
We are lucky in that, generally, what works for me, works for him. But everyone is different, and running may never be his thing. He has to do it his way, just as you are doing it your way.
And he will only do it when he is ready, just as you did it when you were ready.
Depression is a very difficult thing to live with, I know, and I know ultimatums won't work.
Maybe try some fun activities you both like, and take the pressure (ultimatum) off.
Remember why you loved him in the first place and try some romantic re-connecting.
That's what I reckon.
Good luck!!0 -
Think back to before you wanted to lead a healthier lifestyle. Now ask yourself how motivated you would be if your HUSBAND gave YOU that ultimatum? Would it inspire you to get healthier? Probably not. He has to do it on his own and working through his depression is what he has to do first. He has to be able to CARE about himself and his health before he can do anything about it. Depression is serious and no one can just magically 'snap out of it' and be happy. I'd still encourage him to get counseling. If he wasn't happy with the therapist he saw before, he needs a new one.
Keep working on your own weight loss goals, stop nagging him about his weight/health. Like you, he will do it when he's ready.
Good luck and <hugs>0 -
Simple - you can't. Your husband needs to decide for himself that his mental and physical health are important enough to make a change.
I would have to agree ...I've been doing this for almost a year now and i'm halfway to my goal (slow and steady right? lol) and i also quit smoking 10 months ago....my husband STILL smokes and really has no motivation to exercise. He DOES eat everything i cook with no complaints but he eats ginormous portions which kind of defeats the purpose. Our situation is a little different though, he encourages me but i hear him making jokes about himself along the lines of being the "fat husband" and now that i'm in better mental and physical shape i notice the differences in our attitudes and daily activites, etc. (i too suffer from depression but have seen a real change since losing weight) i really want him to join me so he too can feel better about himself and have more energy!! I've tried gently encouraging him, bribing him and even begging him but ultimately he has told me he will do it "When i'm ready", so i sit back patiently waiting for him to make some changes. We brought home a treadmill yesterday so i'm hoping now that he has access to it in our home he will hop on it and at least start by walking
And don't forget, you too were once in your husband's shoes, think about if he wanted to leave you for the same reasons...just food for thought. 0 -
Think back to before you wanted to lead a healthier lifestyle. Now ask yourself how motivated you would be if your HUSBAND gave YOU that ultimatum? Would it inspire you to get healthier? Probably not. He has to do it on his own and working through his depression is what he has to do first. He has to be able to CARE about himself and his health before he can do anything about it. Depression is serious and no one can just magically 'snap out of it' and be happy. I'd still encourage him to get counseling. If he wasn't happy with the therapist he saw before, he needs a new one.
Keep working on your own weight loss goals, stop nagging him about his weight/health. Like you, he will do it when he's ready.
Good luck and <hugs>
I hate to say it, but sometimes nagging and ultimatums cause some people to get passive aggressive because they feel disrespected. I think this is one of the hardest things about being married, but unless you figure it out, your marriage will be strained. In my opinion, every marriage needs togetherness, as well as separateness to survive.0 -
I am sure telling him either he get fit with you or you are leaving did wonders for his self image...0
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As far as healthy eating goes, my husband didn't have much choice since I do 99% of the grocery shopping and cooking around here, but as far as exercise goes, I was doing this for myself. My husband finally decided about 9 months later to start exercising on his own. You've already given an ultimatum which puts you in a rough spot. He'll probably fight the change more now out of spite
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My aha moment was actually october 2nd 2010 my husband told me i was "getting really fat" we have always had a very blunt relationship but that hurt and made me want to get better for him and myself i joined mfp that week and a gym and havent looked back. I guess i thought if i do the same thing to him it might have the same affect.Think back to before you wanted to lead a healthier lifestyle. Now ask yourself how motivated you would be if your HUSBAND gave YOU that ultimatum? Would it inspire you to get healthier? Probably not. He has to do it on his own and working through his depression is what he has to do first. He has to be able to CARE about himself and his health before he can do anything about it. Depression is serious and no one can just magically 'snap out of it' and be happy. I'd still encourage him to get counseling. If he wasn't happy with the therapist he saw before, he needs a new one.
Keep working on your own weight loss goals, stop nagging him about his weight/health. Like you, he will do it when he's ready.
Good luck and <hugs>0 -
What exercise has HE tried to do? (read; not what have you dragged him along for) Cardio is IMO, a soul-destroying, mind numbing pursuit only enjoyed by the spawn of hell. Seeing progression with freeweights, I find helps my mood tremendously and provides it's own rewards when you get to add a few pounds to the bar.0
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Well, to start with, having one's spouse make ultimatums about getting fit will not improve one's depression. You going to want to separate the depression and the not-working-out in your own mind; yes, probably working out would improve some of his depression symptoms, but not working out is probably not the cause of the depression, and the utter sense of the futility of everything that comes from the depression is not going to make him inclined to work out - and makes your ultimatums more inclined to fail than even what they'd otherwise be.
I was in a similar position to you for a long time. My husband was very depressed, wouldn't work out with me, would sabotage my efforts by suggesting we go out to eat every other night or buying ridiculous quantities of snack food or suggesting we stay in a watch movie marathons instead of going out and exercising. His depression stemmed, to a substantial amount, from being unemployed (and because he was depressed, he didn't perhaps put the effort into getting employed that one might hope). During this time, I finally realized that nothing (Nothing!) I could do was going to make him "snap out of it", but at the same time I didn't need to be dragged down by it. He wasn't holding a gun to my head and saying "eat all this snack food", or hiding the car keys and saying "you HAVE to stay in and watch these movies", or anything like that. I could make my own choices, I could leave him home if he wanted to stay in, I could eat what I wanted to. As I started taking responsibility for MY choices, instead of berating him for HIS... he started to come along on my walking trips, eat salads, and make better choices about things in general. When he was feeling particularly down, I'd either just let him be, or I'd say that I was going on a walk, and I'd love some company. Sometimes I'd stay in, or eat something absurd, but I looked at it and realized that those days were about me and my bad moods (because I'm certainly not always bright and cheery, myself) and my bad decisions, and not that about his undue influence. That realization made a huge difference in my understanding and my happiness.
When the ultimate cause of his depression finally resolved itself - he actually pretty much got his dream job, after more than six years of unemployment - his mood improved considerably. Our relationship improved - our joint actions and decisions improved - things are looking up and I love him more than ever. He certainly isn't suddenly a fitness nut, but he goes on walks on the weekends with me, and he eats better, but mostly he just feels better about himself. I've moved into focusing on weight loss and improved fitness for myself (because, due to my own crazy emotional life, I've let things slip badly in the last year or so), and I'm optimistic that as I become visibly healthier and more active, he'll follow suit... but if he does, it will be for his own reasons and in his own time.0 -
he has tried swimming and the eliptical and i have suggested trying lifting weights and he says he doesn't want to go anywhere near all those muscle heads near the free weights.What exercise has HE tried to do? (read; not what have you dragged him along for) Cardio is IMO, a soul-destroying, mind numbing pursuit only enjoyed by the spawn of hell. Seeing progression with freeweights, I find helps my mood tremendously and provides it's own rewards when you get to add a few pounds to the bar.0
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It sounds like there's a lot more going on than your husband not wanting to get in shape. I hope so, anyway.
If you enjoyed painting and he didn't, would you get divorced over it?0 -
Yes clinically depressed and refuses medication. We tried the marriage counseling and he quit after 4 sessions saying he felt ganged up on and last month quit his individual counseling as well.
Alright, I'm reversing course. This would also push me to consider ending a relationship. I'm mentally ill myself and cannot be in a relationship with someone who is not in treatment themselves (should they also be mentally ill.) It is too much and destroys my own equilibrium.
Maybe take some therapy time for yourself and figure out what you need to do to keep yourself healthy. I know you feel like taking drastic measures right this second - and they may be what you NEED to take in the end - but spend some time thinking, planning, and communicating about it.
^THIS right here ! Exactly this .
Fitness and Health are not your issues at all , stop trying to make that the issue thus ignoring the real problems0 -
Muscleheads/meatheads are actually some of the nicest people in the gym, in my experience. There's a few dumbasses for sure, but most of the mature crowd are respectful and helpful. He's not a little guy - he has no reason to be intimidated. That's a really crappy reason for not even trying anyway, and the reason a lot of guys do lift weights is because it is a very theraputic and empowering activity.he has tried swimming and the eliptical and i have suggested trying lifting weights and he says he doesn't want to go anywhere near all those muscle heads near the free weights.What exercise has HE tried to do? (read; not what have you dragged him along for) Cardio is IMO, a soul-destroying, mind numbing pursuit only enjoyed by the spawn of hell. Seeing progression with freeweights, I find helps my mood tremendously and provides it's own rewards when you get to add a few pounds to the bar.
Edit: bloody censor0 -
"Why don't you want to go anywhere near a 'musclehead'?•he has tried swimming and the eliptical and i have suggested trying lifting weights and he says he doesn't want to go anywhere near all those muscle heads near the free weights.
Does he enjoy anything? Could you take him out dancing? If he likes to go see a movie, can you suggest that it's a nice day lets walk to the cinema...0 -
Any time a question can be phrased as, "How do I get someone to do something," the answer is always, "You can't." Your husband has to decide to get healthy for himself. That includes both his physical health and mental health. Sorry to have to put it so bluntly.
this is right on.
You have to keep doing what is good for you. Do your races. Eat your healthy food. You can let him know that as you are getting fitter and healthier you feel as if you are losing respect for him but outside of that you CANNOT do a damn thing to MAKE him change. You can communicate effectively with him every once in a while and give it a while to sink in. My husband drinks too much for months at a time. We fight, we argue, we give each other the silent treatment...then I decide...it is time...tell him "this is how your drinking makes me feel. this is how I perceive your behavior and your treatment of me. This is what the kids have asked me. I will not ask you to stop drinking because I do not want to be disappointed that you will not do what I ask but I am demanding that you adjust these things (drinking while the kids are awake, etc) or we will seek counseling and/or divorce.
You have to determine if you are angry because you really have lost the affection and respect for him...thus wanting to leave OR if you are annoyed that he won't do what you tell him (it took me a long time to learn this of myself...am I angry the lawn isn't mowed or am I angry that HE didn't do it? If it is that he didn't do it then we need to communicate our needs differently...if it is that the lawn isn't cut then I just need to get out the lawn mower and do it myself)...0 -
Also have you gotten or are you able to get advice from doctor/counsellor about the depression, the refusal of meds, the termination of sessions? If he hasn't resolved to tackle his depression independently then things seem pretty bad to be running away from support0
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I'm in the same situation...except I know better to force my hobbies on someone else. He can be who he wants, and I love him for who he is, I don't wish to form him into something he is not. I don't need someone standing next to me every hour of the day.
If you feel he should be someone else perhaps its better for the both of you to find someone else. I know what it can be like to spend a lot of time with someone who is depressed though, it is rough at times. And let me assure you its rough on his side too.0 -
If your husband is clinically depressed and refusing help or medication, he is probably pushing himself just to get out of bed in the morning, never mind exercising. Depression causes you to not care about yourself. Many lose weight from not eating, they stop showering, stay in the sane clothes for days. Add an ultimatum from a spouse, and the whole thing just got loads worse. An ultimatum indicates that love is limited and conditional. If he does not want to exercise, he won't. And he's not thinking clearly enough to respond favourably to your ultimatum, and even if he were mentally healthy, I think he would choose against you, anyway. Ultimatums tend to work against you, not for you. Make your needs clear, using a calm voice and affirming words, point out what he does right, and ask him what his needs are that are not being fulfilled, and really listen. He doesn't want you to be his mother, but his partner. Pushing him won't help, but don't enable him, either. It's a fine line you'll have to walk for a while. I suggest educating yourself regarding depression, and attend counselling, yourself. It's not something a person can just decide to snap out of.0
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Bargain with him. Try to find something he would actually enjoy. Maybe it isn't even the gym, but hiking, or canoeing or anything physical.
This.....but without the enjoying the physical activity part. Use a reward system........Every day he goes to the gym and works out for an hour he gets a b*@w(#b. Trust me. It works. Then you are both happy.
As for your ultimatum.....Id rethink that. It's not healthy and it's not right. If you want to work on the marriage.....work on it.....accept him as he is. If you don't think you can do that then move on so he can find someone who will. It's OK to talk to him, express your concerns and try to get him to change because you love him and you want him to be healthy.......but "fix it or I'm leaving you" isn't the way to handle it.
^ this. /eot0 -
You guys have more issues than getting your husband on board with your health goals. The issues with health goals are just more symptoms of a larger problem and only you know if it's worth it to stay with someone who you don't even like being around and can't seem to help themselves. Are you willing to drown trying to save someone else who isn't able to swim?
You shouldn't feel guilty for haveing enough self esteme to see you deserve better. If you don't feel you should sacrifice your life so your SO isn't alone (he's not getting better) you have some important decisions to make but my guess is that the healthy lifestyle is only one more symptom of a relationship in trouble.
Good luck and don't sell yourself short.0 -
Does he have any friends who might be able to invite him to do things? If he's feeling like you're nagging or ganging up on him, he might be digging in out of spite, as some have mentioned earlier. Perhaps he'd be more amenable if he didn't associate the suggestion of exercise with what he may see as your continued pressure?
I was the kind of person who despised gym class. I didn't like being made to be physically active. But when I went to college and my friends invited me to join them on a "casual" exercise session, it felt very different. Nobody was telling me to do anything, they were inviting and also provided a little bubble against the other, more experienced gym folk who might have seemed intimidating. After a while, that was one of the ways we would hang out- go to the gym, shower, then hit the pubs. When we went our separte ways, I kept working out on my own because I'd learned to associate workouts with relaxing and unwinding, all because a friend invited me instead of a teacher / coach pressuring me.0 -
What I'm going to say is going to sound incredibly harsh, but what I'd like you hear is how what you've said can come across to a person with a negative or depressed mindset.
Basically what you're saying here is that you've changed and your husband hasn't and unless he gets with your program you're done with him.
That's the black and white of it. The first part of it isn't a bad thing. Couples grow apart and it becomes time to move on. But you're giving him an ultimatum, that's wrong in so many ways.
You can't get your husband 'on board' and that includes with an ultimatum which is actually the worst way to do something because the response of a person put into a corner is likely to be one of two things. A flat out refusal with a few expletives thrown in, verbalised or not, or going along and resenting you for as long as they go along.
And if your husband is truly clinically depressed, you just tossed a whole heap of crap on his shoulders because odds are good he knows what he should do, feels like crap because he doesn't do it, and now he knows exactly how you feel about him, which is that he's not good enough for you and you're unwilling to stay with him. He's not going to see the positive part of what you're saying, which is that you want him healthier and fitter and more active and spending time doing things with you, or that you don't want to watch him kill himself by inches.
It's better to lead by example. Guide in small steps. Forcing him to the gym regularly isn't going to work. Pick a fun active thing to do together, work it into a habit. things like that.0 -
I got out of a relationship (we were living together at the time) because the girl I was with was a slob when it came to keeping the house up. I don't mind cleaning up (I still do all the cleaning in the house today), but I do mind if someone purposely ****s it up without even attempting to keep some sense of organization. I knew that if we stayed together, that the small fights we had about it, would end up being bigger fights. So we split.
We can't change how people are, but we can try to influence them to consider. He sounds like he doesn't want to consider. Go with what you feel will be better for YOU.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
You married him for better or worse, in sickness and in health. He's depressed, unhealthy, and things are bad. Do not leave him over this. Get him help. Be his rock. If he won't go to counseling, YOU go. Get some support from others who are dealing with a spouse with depression. Put as much effort into your marriage as you have your own fitness goals.Fix yourself or lose me forever.0 -
You married him for better or worse, in sickness and in health. He's depressed, unhealthy, and things are bad. Do not leave him over this. Get him help. Be his rock. If he won't go to counseling, YOU go. Get some support from others who are dealing with a spouse with depression. Put as much effort into your marriage as you have your own fitness goals.Fix yourself or lose me forever.
This exactly. Some marriages need to end, but I think most just need some TLC. What if you became ill and inconvenient, and he left you like that jerk Newt Gingrich did when his wife had cancer?0 -
Oh how I wish he had friends....... but most of you are right our problems are a lot worse than just fitness goals it's much deeper and i might be just trying to make myself feel better about wanting to leave him. This is my second marriage to someone with depression and the first ended after his 2nd suicide attempt. I couldn't fix him and i know i can't fix my husband now. I know people say focus on your own happiness but the thing is if you live with someone who is constantly negative and unhappy no matter how much you try to not let it affect you it does. I love him a lot and don't want to be without him or take his daughter away from him but i can't have that influence in mine or my daughters life. Thats why i was desperate for something to change before 6 years of my life with someone endedDoes he have any friends who might be able to invite him to do things? If he's feeling like you're nagging or ganging up on him, he might be digging in out of spite, as some have mentioned earlier. Perhaps he'd be more amenable if he didn't associate the suggestion of exercise with what he may see as your continued pressure?
I was the kind of person who despised gym class. I didn't like being made to be physically active. But when I went to college and my friends invited me to join them on a "casual" exercise session, it felt very different. Nobody was telling me to do anything, they were inviting and also provided a little bubble against the other, more experienced gym folk who might have seemed intimidating. After a while, that was one of the ways we would hang out- go to the gym, shower, then hit the pubs. When we went our separte ways, I kept working out on my own because I'd learned to associate workouts with relaxing and unwinding, all because a friend invited me instead of a teacher / coach pressuring me.0 -
"In sickness, in health. For better, for worse. Till death do us part."
He's unhappy. Instead of putting stressors in his life that make him MORE unhappy, perhaps you should be trying to help him in other ways. By supporting him. Loving him unconditionally. And gently guiding him to seek some counselling.0 -
Now we're getting somewhere. Was there a close family member with depression while you were growing up? You are gravitating toward mental illness, and need to figure out why that is. You're right, you can't fix your husband, but you can learn to support him and help him, and help your daughter cope, as well, so she doesn't gravitate toward mental illness when she is older. This is somerhing that CAN be overcome. Chin up, and don't let your past dictate your future. ((Hug))
This is my second marriage to someone with depression and the first ended after his 2nd suicide attempt. I couldn't fix him and i know i can't fix my husband now.0 -
Wow. Just, wow.
I understand wanting to leave when the going gets tough, but that's not what we sign up for when we enter into a marriage. I vowed to stick with my husband through sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until death do we part. I intend to keep that vow.
If he were abusing you, or cheating on you it would be different, but he's just "not into" fitness like you are?
I have struggled with depression for years. When the depressive thoughts kick in, I lose interest in exercise and fitness too! Difference being, that I do it anyway, but I wind up hating every minute of it and being cranky for the rest of the day. So I understand where your husband is coming from. I also understand your thoughts, but I can't seem to wrap my head around why you'd leave him over this...0
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