Getting the Husband on board! Why is it so hard?

bubbaduts

he has tried swimming and the eliptical and i have suggested trying lifting weights and he says he doesn't want to go anywhere near all those muscle heads near the free weights.

What exercise has HE tried to do? (read; not what have you dragged him along for) Cardio is IMO, a soul-destroying, mind numbing pursuit only enjoyed by the spawn of hell. Seeing progression with freeweights, I find helps my mood tremendously and provides it's own rewards when you get to add a few pounds to the bar.

rml_16

It sounds like there's a lot more going on than your husband not wanting to get in shape. I hope so, anyway.

If you enjoyed painting and he didn't, would you get divorced over it?

lglg11

Yes clinically depressed and refuses medication. We tried the marriage counseling and he quit after 4 sessions saying he felt ganged up on and last month quit his individual counseling as well.

Alright, I'm reversing course. This would also push me to consider ending a relationship. I'm mentally ill myself and cannot be in a relationship with someone who is not in treatment themselves (should they also be mentally ill.) It is too much and destroys my own equilibrium.

Maybe take some therapy time for yourself and figure out what you need to do to keep yourself healthy. I know you feel like taking drastic measures right this second - and they may be what you NEED to take in the end - but spend some time thinking, planning, and communicating about it.

^THIS right here ! Exactly this .
Fitness and Health are not your issues at all , stop trying to make that the issue thus ignoring the real problems

ironanimal

he has tried swimming and the eliptical and i have suggested trying lifting weights and he says he doesn't want to go anywhere near all those muscle heads near the free weights.

What exercise has HE tried to do? (read; not what have you dragged him along for) Cardio is IMO, a soul-destroying, mind numbing pursuit only enjoyed by the spawn of hell. Seeing progression with freeweights, I find helps my mood tremendously and provides it's own rewards when you get to add a few pounds to the bar.

Muscleheads/meatheads are actually some of the nicest people in the gym, in my experience. There's a few dumbasses for sure, but most of the mature crowd are respectful and helpful. He's not a little guy - he has no reason to be intimidated. That's a really crappy reason for not even trying anyway, and the reason a lot of guys do lift weights is because it is a very theraputic and empowering activity.

Edit: bloody censor

nguk123

he has tried swimming and the eliptical and i have suggested trying lifting weights and he says he doesn't want to go anywhere near all those muscle heads near the free weights.

"Why don't you want to go anywhere near a 'musclehead'?•

Does he enjoy anything? Could you take him out dancing? If he likes to go see a movie, can you suggest that it's a nice day lets walk to the cinema...

kelsully

Any time a question can be phrased as, "How do I get someone to do something," the answer is always, "You can't." Your husband has to decide to get healthy for himself. That includes both his physical health and mental health. Sorry to have to put it so bluntly.

this is right on.

You have to keep doing what is good for you. Do your races. Eat your healthy food. You can let him know that as you are getting fitter and healthier you feel as if you are losing respect for him but outside of that you CANNOT do a damn thing to MAKE him change. You can communicate effectively with him every once in a while and give it a while to sink in. My husband drinks too much for months at a time. We fight, we argue, we give each other the silent treatment...then I decide...it is time...tell him "this is how your drinking makes me feel. this is how I perceive your behavior and your treatment of me. This is what the kids have asked me. I will not ask you to stop drinking because I do not want to be disappointed that you will not do what I ask but I am demanding that you adjust these things (drinking while the kids are awake, etc) or we will seek counseling and/or divorce.

You have to determine if you are angry because you really have lost the affection and respect for him...thus wanting to leave OR if you are annoyed that he won't do what you tell him (it took me a long time to learn this of myself...am I angry the lawn isn't mowed or am I angry that HE didn't do it? If it is that he didn't do it then we need to communicate our needs differently...if it is that the lawn isn't cut then I just need to get out the lawn mower and do it myself)...

nguk123

Also have you gotten or are you able to get advice from doctor/counsellor about the depression, the refusal of meds, the termination of sessions? If he hasn't resolved to tackle his depression independently then things seem pretty bad to be running away from support

CoderGal

I'm in the same situation...except I know better to force my hobbies on someone else. He can be who he wants, and I love him for who he is, I don't wish to form him into something he is not. I don't need someone standing next to me every hour of the day.

If you feel he should be someone else perhaps its better for the both of you to find someone else. I know what it can be like to spend a lot of time with someone who is depressed though, it is rough at times. And let me assure you its rough on his side too.

metaphoria

If your husband is clinically depressed and refusing help or medication, he is probably pushing himself just to get out of bed in the morning, never mind exercising. Depression causes you to not care about yourself. Many lose weight from not eating, they stop showering, stay in the sane clothes for days. Add an ultimatum from a spouse, and the whole thing just got loads worse. An ultimatum indicates that love is limited and conditional. If he does not want to exercise, he won't. And he's not thinking clearly enough to respond favourably to your ultimatum, and even if he were mentally healthy, I think he would choose against you, anyway. Ultimatums tend to work against you, not for you. Make your needs clear, using a calm voice and affirming words, point out what he does right, and ask him what his needs are that are not being fulfilled, and really listen. He doesn't want you to be his mother, but his partner. Pushing him won't help, but don't enable him, either. It's a fine line you'll have to walk for a while. I suggest educating yourself regarding depression, and attend counselling, yourself. It's not something a person can just decide to snap out of.

Jacwhite22

Bargain with him. Try to find something he would actually enjoy. Maybe it isn't even the gym, but hiking, or canoeing or anything physical.

This.....but without the enjoying the physical activity part. Use a reward system........Every day he goes to the gym and works out for an hour he gets a b*@w(#b. Trust me. It works. Then you are both happy.

As for your ultimatum.....Id rethink that. It's not healthy and it's not right. If you want to work on the marriage.....work on it.....accept him as he is. If you don't think you can do that then move on so he can find someone who will. It's OK to talk to him, express your concerns and try to get him to change because you love him and you want him to be healthy.......but "fix it or I'm leaving you" isn't the way to handle it.

^ this. /eot

Gramps251

You guys have more issues than getting your husband on board with your health goals. The issues with health goals are just more symptoms of a larger problem and only you know if it's worth it to stay with someone who you don't even like being around and can't seem to help themselves. Are you willing to drown trying to save someone else who isn't able to swim?

You shouldn't feel guilty for haveing enough self esteme to see you deserve better. If you don't feel you should sacrifice your life so your SO isn't alone (he's not getting better) you have some important decisions to make but my guess is that the healthy lifestyle is only one more symptom of a relationship in trouble.

Good luck and don't sell yourself short.

csuhar

Does he have any friends who might be able to invite him to do things? If he's feeling like you're nagging or ganging up on him, he might be digging in out of spite, as some have mentioned earlier. Perhaps he'd be more amenable if he didn't associate the suggestion of exercise with what he may see as your continued pressure?

I was the kind of person who despised gym class. I didn't like being made to be physically active. But when I went to college and my friends invited me to join them on a "casual" exercise session, it felt very different. Nobody was telling me to do anything, they were inviting and also provided a little bubble against the other, more experienced gym folk who might have seemed intimidating. After a while, that was one of the ways we would hang out- go to the gym, shower, then hit the pubs. When we went our separte ways, I kept working out on my own because I'd learned to associate workouts with relaxing and unwinding, all because a friend invited me instead of a teacher / coach pressuring me.

RhonndaJ

What I'm going to say is going to sound incredibly harsh, but what I'd like you hear is how what you've said can come across to a person with a negative or depressed mindset.

Basically what you're saying here is that you've changed and your husband hasn't and unless he gets with your program you're done with him.

That's the black and white of it. The first part of it isn't a bad thing. Couples grow apart and it becomes time to move on. But you're giving him an ultimatum, that's wrong in so many ways.

You can't get your husband 'on board' and that includes with an ultimatum which is actually the worst way to do something because the response of a person put into a corner is likely to be one of two things. A flat out refusal with a few expletives thrown in, verbalised or not, or going along and resenting you for as long as they go along.

And if your husband is truly clinically depressed, you just tossed a whole heap of crap on his shoulders because odds are good he knows what he should do, feels like crap because he doesn't do it, and now he knows exactly how you feel about him, which is that he's not good enough for you and you're unwilling to stay with him. He's not going to see the positive part of what you're saying, which is that you want him healthier and fitter and more active and spending time doing things with you, or that you don't want to watch him kill himself by inches.

It's better to lead by example. Guide in small steps. Forcing him to the gym regularly isn't going to work. Pick a fun active thing to do together, work it into a habit. things like that.

ninerbuff

I got out of a relationship (we were living together at the time) because the girl I was with was a slob when it came to keeping the house up. I don't mind cleaning up (I still do all the cleaning in the house today), but I do mind if someone purposely ****s it up without even attempting to keep some sense of organization. I knew that if we stayed together, that the small fights we had about it, would end up being bigger fights. So we split.
We can't change how people are, but we can try to influence them to consider. He sounds like he doesn't want to consider. Go with what you feel will be better for YOU.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

perfectingpatti

Fix yourself or lose me forever.

You married him for better or worse, in sickness and in health. He's depressed, unhealthy, and things are bad. Do not leave him over this. Get him help. Be his rock. If he won't go to counseling, YOU go. Get some support from others who are dealing with a spouse with depression. Put as much effort into your marriage as you have your own fitness goals.

_VoV

Fix yourself or lose me forever.

You married him for better or worse, in sickness and in health. He's depressed, unhealthy, and things are bad. Do not leave him over this. Get him help. Be his rock. If he won't go to counseling, YOU go. Get some support from others who are dealing with a spouse with depression. Put as much effort into your marriage as you have your own fitness goals.

This exactly. Some marriages need to end, but I think most just need some TLC. What if you became ill and inconvenient, and he left you like that jerk Newt Gingrich did when his wife had cancer?

bubbaduts

Oh how I wish he had friends....... but most of you are right our problems are a lot worse than just fitness goals it's much deeper and i might be just trying to make myself feel better about wanting to leave him. This is my second marriage to someone with depression and the first ended after his 2nd suicide attempt. I couldn't fix him and i know i can't fix my husband now. I know people say focus on your own happiness but the thing is if you live with someone who is constantly negative and unhappy no matter how much you try to not let it affect you it does. I love him a lot and don't want to be without him or take his daughter away from him but i can't have that influence in mine or my daughters life. Thats why i was desperate for something to change before 6 years of my life with someone ended

Does he have any friends who might be able to invite him to do things? If he's feeling like you're nagging or ganging up on him, he might be digging in out of spite, as some have mentioned earlier. Perhaps he'd be more amenable if he didn't associate the suggestion of exercise with what he may see as your continued pressure?

I was the kind of person who despised gym class. I didn't like being made to be physically active. But when I went to college and my friends invited me to join them on a "casual" exercise session, it felt very different. Nobody was telling me to do anything, they were inviting and also provided a little bubble against the other, more experienced gym folk who might have seemed intimidating. After a while, that was one of the ways we would hang out- go to the gym, shower, then hit the pubs. When we went our separte ways, I kept working out on my own because I'd learned to associate workouts with relaxing and unwinding, all because a friend invited me instead of a teacher / coach pressuring me.

penrbrown

"In sickness, in health. For better, for worse. Till death do us part."

He's unhappy. Instead of putting stressors in his life that make him MORE unhappy, perhaps you should be trying to help him in other ways. By supporting him. Loving him unconditionally. And gently guiding him to seek some counselling.

metaphoria

Now we're getting somewhere. Was there a close family member with depression while you were growing up? You are gravitating toward mental illness, and need to figure out why that is. You're right, you can't fix your husband, but you can learn to support him and help him, and help your daughter cope, as well, so she doesn't gravitate toward mental illness when she is older. This is somerhing that CAN be overcome. Chin up, and don't let your past dictate your future. ((Hug))

This is my second marriage to someone with depression and the first ended after his 2nd suicide attempt. I couldn't fix him and i know i can't fix my husband now.

JenniBaby85

Wow. Just, wow.

I understand wanting to leave when the going gets tough, but that's not what we sign up for when we enter into a marriage. I vowed to stick with my husband through sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until death do we part. I intend to keep that vow.

If he were abusing you, or cheating on you it would be different, but he's just "not into" fitness like you are?

I have struggled with depression for years. When the depressive thoughts kick in, I lose interest in exercise and fitness too! Difference being, that I do it anyway, but I wind up hating every minute of it and being cranky for the rest of the day. So I understand where your husband is coming from. I also understand your thoughts, but I can't seem to wrap my head around why you'd leave him over this...