A Miscarraige and Evil Doctor

nancycaregiver

The doctor may have been right when he said miscarriage is very common but for him to try to put the blame on you is totally crazy! I had a miscarriage when I was at a very healthy weight! If a conversation about your weight was necessary, that was not the time to do it! He should have first dealt with your emotional health to get you through this extremely painful experience then spoke to you about your weight after you had somewhat healed (if that's possible!).
I noticed many posters said they had similar experiences with rudeness during a miscarriage. I am shocked and appalled! I received respect and compassion throughout my ordeal, from doctors and all hospital staff. I'm so sorry that you did not!
If I may offer advice, I probably would not try to conceive while starting your weight loss journey. You need to focus on you and your health right now. And when you do start trying again, you will have to work hard not to stress about it if it does not happen quickly. It took me about 17 months to conceive the first time (when I had the miscarriage). Then it took me 21 months to conceive when I had my first child. Funny thing is, the other two only took one try each!!
You are doing great and I believe in you! Your attitude is great and I know it is something you probably had to work on! But here you are! Go get 'em!!

rebtrev13

What an inconsiderate doctor! He must never have experienced miscarriage within his family. I have and I know how heartbreaking it can be. Use this a motivation to get healthy, not necessarily a number on the scale. We will be praying for your success!!

ldrosophila

What an *kitten* of a doctor promise you will never go back to him and I would write your story on one of the physician review sites so other women dont have to go through the same thing. That is after you heal a little after this loss.

I lost my baby in October. It's such a terrible thing to go through. Give yourself time. I gained back weight after mine too. The depression is so overwhelming. Take it one day at a time. Try to stay away from foods that you can binge on, but be kind to yourself. Ignore that doctor. My heart goes out to you.

gobraves47

I'm so sorry for your loss and that your doctor was an asshat. You have great motivation to lose the weight--You can do it. Be kind to yourself and be strong! Good Luck!

Rays_Wife

Wow. I am sorry about the loss of your baby. THAT IS A BIG DEAL. For the doctor to say it wasn't is the most ignorant thing I have ever heard. I am also sorry for the way you were treated and made to feel like this was your fault. This was not your fault! Sometimes these things just happen. You did not cause this, and you did not deserve to be treated that way. My heart just breaks for you and your husband. That doctor needs to lose his license for belittling a patient and giving them dangerous dieting advice! I hope you report his disgusting behavior.

I'm just shaking my head right now. Unbelievable!

Davidea76

In 2010 I was right there in your shoes. I also had a miscarriage and had a very insensitive doctor. He told me basically the same thing and I did not know it at the time but you can get the doctor in trouble for saying those types of things to you. First off a 250 calorie diet would kill you. Your body would realize you were starving yourself and it would hold on to the fat and make you muscle instead. Please stay with your 1500 calorie diet and just make sure you exercise some each day. You are suppose to exercise at least 30 minutes a day to keep your heart healthy. And if you burn more than you eat then you will lose weight. You do need to figure out what you burn by just sitting though because those calories are already counted as burnt. Does this make sense?

I will keep you in my thoughts and I hope that you keep the faith up and know that you can do this. If you need to talk then I am right here for you. I am online every single day so you never have to worry about not being in touch with me. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

KHUDASGAL

He should have his license taken away for that! Add me honey,,,,,,,I have more than 100 lbs. to loose also.

berrythin79

Sorry to hear about your loss. Yeah some doctors do suck...ugh... Focus on your goals and stay motivated while your on your journey.

shaywallis

I am so very sorry for your loss of such a sweet and precious baby, ((HUGS)). Although Ive never had a miscarriage before, I have given birth to two stillborn baby girls (23w and 32w). I can empathize with how heartbreaking it is to hope for something only to have it ripped away in the blink of an eye. That doctor was an idiot!!! He needs to be reported. Someone like that shouldn't be practicing medicine. I would seek advice from another professional. Ill be praying God covers you and your family in comfort and peace.

betsy179

Wow! I agree with everyone else about that Dr. It was such a great lost and then to be treated like that. I know it was hard for you to share with us . I am glad you did becasue now you can kick some b***..Today is a new day. Lets do it together. I believe in you. don't let the evil Dr control your life. We are here to help!

MsDover

I always go with a female doctor! They are more understanding! Good luck to you!

That is beyond false.

I was 36 and pregnant and went to the FEMALE ob/gyn that my sister recommended. I wasn't overweight by very much at the time.... maybe 15 pounds... so it wasn't a factor. At nine weeks I had an ultrasound, and there on the screen was my very tiny little baby, but they couldn't see a heartbeat. My female doctor said, this could just be that you aren't as far along as we thought, or it could mean that the baby is dead. She didn't even remotely sugar coat it. She also insisted that because of my age she was scheduling an amniocentesis because, and I quote, "If there is something wrong with the baby and you have it, your husband will leave you. I see it all the time." My jaw fell. I told her that wasn't even an issue, but I was concerned that the amnio might cause it's own set of problems and that even if there was "something wrong" with the baby, I still intended to have it. She insisted that she was still going to schedule it, but that if they discovered a problem I should have an abortion, but she herself wouldn't do it because it was against her beliefs. What??? (I am 100% pro choice, but MY choice is that I would not consider that option for myself under any circumstances). She then sent me for genetic counselling. Meanwhile, they repeated the ultrasound 2 weeks later and it was clear even with my untrained eye that the baby was no longer viable. The tech wouldn't verify it, saying I'd have to wait to hear from my doctor. I left the hospital in tears. Later that night I called her when I started to bleed. She said, oh yes, I got your ultrasound results and the baby is dead. You're having a miscarriage. If it doesn't pass on it's own just go into the ER and they'll do a D&C to get rid of what's left. I was crushed... not just by the news but by her utterly callous delivery of it. I loved that baby no less than I loved the children I already had... I had already named it, and I mourned the loss for a long time.

A year and a half later I got pregnant again. Went to the same doctor, thinking, well, she knows my history so it makes sense. Again, I got the lecture about amnio and abortion and I told her flat out NO, neither option even be considered. I carried that baby to term. During my prenatal care the doctor continued to be blunt, rude, and physically rough. I'd never had a doctor HURT me like that. I said to a friend, she's a woman, you'd think she'd know what hurts. During labor and delivery she physically hurt me several times. It had been 11 years since I'd had a baby and he was 2 pounds larger than either of my previous children had been at birth, so I had a hard time. I'm not saying I was whiny.... not at all... but she treated me impatiently and with the worst possible bedside manner imaginable. I don't know why I was surprised... that was her M.O. from day one. My beautiful, healthy son was born, and 6 weeks later I saw her one last time for my postpartum check up. I never saw her again after that, opting to switch doctors. That was 22 years ago. I heard last summer that she had died. This may sound horrible, but I looked at my son and said "the ***** that delivered you died... wish I could say I'm sorry, but I'm not". Obviously, I harbored some resentment toward her!

I guess I'm just reiterating that no, going to a woman doctor doesn't guarantee you'll get more empathetic care at all! And, that losing your baby, even early on, is devastating and your doctor was a jerk. I'm sure they've seen this so often that to one degree or another it's routine, but when it's happening to YOU, it's anything but routine. DON'T let what one, callous, thoughtless physician said to you color all that you do now or in the future. Being severely overweight not only makes becoming pregnant more difficult (though not impossible) it truly complicates any pregnancy that might happen. I do not for a second believe your weight caused your miscarriage, and his implication was hurtful. Conception is complicated and so much can and does go wrong, no matter what size the mother is. By all means, lose your weight and get as healthy as you can then try again. You've come to the right place for support if you're willing to do the work!

rgohm

I am very sorry for your loss. I agree with a lot of the posters on here, I would report what he said to anyone who would listen. He seems like a pathetic excuse for a man and it is a shame he is allowed to practice medicine!

daoc1972

At the first sign that my Dr. was not going to work out (I had been seeing his nurse practitioner), I dropped him like a hot potato. I put the word out that I was looking for a new OB/Gyn since I was pregnant by then and found a gem of a Dr. by referral. There is absolutely no good reason to stay with a Dr. if you think s/he is doing more harm than good. Even on the insurance plans that have you pick a PCP before you go, as I understand it, you can switch as long as you switch before you go. An even if your plan really doesn't allow switching, it would be money well spent to get a toxic Dr. out of your life.

I have the most wonderful Dr. now and hope he never moves away.

zaithyr

So sorry to hear about your experience That doctor needs his license revoked! I am shocked that anyone could be so heartless!

I've never had a miscarriage but I was told falsely when I was pregnant with my son last year by an ER doc that I was having a miscarriage because of a little spotting and something the dumb OB wrote on my chart at my last visit and didn't tell me (she was a doc that I was trying out and she treated me like crap because of my weight too). The ER doc was really insensitive about it too and it was devastating. Thankfully, in my case, everything turned out fine and I switched docs.

I love what you said about "kicking back". You seem like a very strong lady in spite of what you've been through. :flowerforyou:

briannadunn

Um, I know lots of people who are over weight and got pregnant, I have 5 kids myself and I wad 218 when I got pregnant with my youngest. Weight is hardly a factor and working in the medical field before that doctor is lucky that he didn't get sued by you and you could have reported him to the medical board and he might have been under review because of that. Miscarriages do happen and lots of times people can have them without knowing, get a new OBGYN and never go back to that person again. You are not 400 plus pounds. To blame it on your weight was not right.

avdnyc

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Christopher Robin to Pooh”
My heart aches for you & your husband, but you will make your dreams come true - you WILL release the weight and live the life of your dreams, and you WILL complete your family and have another angel God willing. Trust and surrender, the universe is listening and is already shifting to make your dreams a reality, with your help and faith.

Mich3ll36

WOW!!!! Thats insane. Im so sorry that you had to deal with a doctor that was straight from the slums of haties!!! Ive been trying for 10 years to get pregnant. I miscrried in August 2011 and went through the emotional roller coaster as well. Ive done the same as you and owned up to the fact that its probable that my weight is an issue so Ive been on a mission as well. Good luck and I really hope everything works out for you. MUCH LOVE!

seadiamond1

I am so sorry you had to go through such a painful and humiliating experience. Something is seriously wrong when a doctor gives such poor advice in such an arrogant, rude way. I, like others, suggest you report him but unfortunately that'll probably get nowhere I'm sure. One thing--and you've already acknowledged it!-- he is correct that you need to address your weight if you want to have another child. Not only do you need to take care of yourself for your baby but you want keep yourself healthy and safe through pregnancy and childbirth. Obesity in pregnancy increases your chances of many life-threatening ailments and diseases.

But on another note, you want to be the best you can be for the precious 4 yo you already have and, of course, you want to share a long happy life with your husband.

Value yourself no matter what that jerk said and be the best you can be.

monjacq1964

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Have you ever considered weight loss surgery?

karibj2010

OMG that is horrible what you went through with that doctor~! Use that as motivation and you will succeed!

JodyWoo

I'm so sorry you lost your baby, no matter how far along, that is an awful thing to go through.

And that doctor. I agree with most of the others here, report him if you can do it. 250 calories per day isn't just KIND OF starvation mode. Was he making a recommendation to try and hurt you? That's what it sounds like. He sounds unfit to give care. That is not a recommendation I could ever see someone giving or seriously taking.

Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your husband. I hope you can achieve your dreams!

dyemomma

I am so sorry you are having to go through ALL of this and to have your doctor make you feel the way he did, is absolutely sickening to me. I agree with the others...please consider reporting him and Absolutely consider changing doctors- you don't need Any advice He has to offer...
I have had 4 miscarriages myself and there are Few things in life that are more painful. My heart breaks for you. I got my happy ending (a little baby boy almost 2 years ago now!) and you will too. Give your body the time it needs to get healthy, take the stress and pressure off of yourself as much as you can, and the rest will fall into place when the time is right. I wish you ALL the best in your weight loss and baby endevours! Good luck to you!

aadutton

i understand weight CAN BE a factor in whether or not a person has a difficult or easier time getting pregnant, and i myself did have a miscarriage, but i also gave birth, as an obese person, to twins, who are now 17 months old and completely healthy. explaining the health benefits of losing weight and being a complete d*ck are very different, that doctor was the latter. even if he had done a better job approaching the subject, it wasn't the time. i'm so sorry.

Fierystrawberry

February of 2012 I should have been celebrating my 29th birthday and Valentine's Day, but instead I was going through the most heartbreaking thing to have ever happened to me. I wan't feeling well so I went to the Doctor for an antibiotic. The next day he called. I was pumping gas and he told me to sit down. I did and he said, "Congrats! You're Pregnant!" Already having a 4-year-old, my husband and I had been trying since about 3 months after he birth to get pregnant again. It just never seemed to happen. I was elated!! He said the pregnancy hormone was so low I must have come to him just 6 or 7 days pregnant. I immediately made an appointment with the OBGYN. I know people don't usually go for 3 months but I'm overcautious so I told them about my HBP in my first pregnancy to get me in early.
I went for my appt. and he assured me I was pregnant. He said the numbers were kind of low so com back in a few days because the number should double daily. Three days later I went back. My husband and I waited for the results nervously. The doctor returned and said, "The numbers are so low, you must be having a miscarriage. It's no big deal. Just about everyone has them." The lump in my throat grew and the tears began to well. The Doctor said, "You know you probably won't be able to have kids, because you're so big. How many calories do you usually eat?" I had just started a diet, and although those words felt like a truck just smashed into my chest, I muttered, "1500." "Well that's too much for you. If you ever want to lose that fat and have a baby, you're going to have to commit to eating a lean cuisine everyday. 250 calories should do you, since what you're doing isn't working. I'll call in some Phentermine for you so it'll help you not eat."
That day my husband and I struggled to stand and make it home. We laid in bed crying for the day. It seemed like an eternity. My heart was broken. My baby was gone and I was told it was because I was too fat. I've since gained 20 lbs. This time I'm getting my life back. I'm taking control. I'm ready to face the fact that I'm overweight and do something about it. I'm finally over what that Doctor said to me and I'm going to use it for motivation. He's an idiot who made me feel less than human, and 2 feet tall in front of my husband, who wants another child as much as I do. I have more than 100 lbs to lose and it's getting done this year. I've wanted to write this down forever it seems. Thanks for reading if you did.

That is not right. I am sorry you had to go thour that. I wish you the best of luck I know you can do it.

deadstarsunburn

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. No one should ever be made to feel like you did. What an insensitive jerk! I would have let that doctor have it.
You can do this!!!

leantool

I am so sorry for the ordeal you have to go through! I know what it is like to have a miscarriage, but at least I didn't have such a rude doctor!!! My heart goes out to you. I don't know you, but I am praying for you and that you reach your goal and dreams.

that
and
miscarriages can happen due to myriads of causes and to summarily say that it is due to your weight is outright cruel. take care.may God be with you.

moujie

First, so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is a horrible thing to experience.
Second, I agree with the other posters - that doc is a jerk beyond proportions not to mention giving you advice that isn't medically sound.

I think of doctors like house painters - if you don't like the job they do, or if they are good but a jerk, or if they creep you out in some way, FIRE them and get another one. Never ever go to a doctor that makes you feel that way. We tend to think of doctors as these mighty beings but they are just human and some humans are a-holes!

Can weight impact your ability to get pregnant? for some women yes but plenty of heavy and even obese women get pregnant and have healthy babies. It's always better if the mom is in good- healthy condition -- but in reality I don't know anyone who got pregnant when they were in perfect condition...scratch that, I don't know anyone IN perfect condition to begin with.

I tried to get pregnant for years and heard that my weight might be a factor - well I never did get pregnant but I did have 2 beautiful children through adoption and I am blessed to have such wonderful kids. I wouldn't change my experience for all the money in the world. And now I'm healthier because of my kids - I needed to get off my butt and be healthier to run and chase a toddler (world's best cardio workout btw is dancing holding a toddler).

Good luck to you on your journey - one day I hope to hear your success story both in pregnancy and in weight loss! You go girl!

MeDoula

I'm so sorry you had to go though it. The loss of your baby and an A off a doctor.

There is a great resource for mamas who experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, etc. It's called stillbirthday dot com.

blink1021

That is complete BS by the doctor. I just had my second child Dec. 10 and I was hovering at 300lbs when I became pregnant. I had a normal pregnancy and gave birth to a happy and healthy baby. Granted I watched what I ate and continued to exercise and with my doctors advice I actually lost weight while pregnant. He never should of told you that you would never be able to have another baby. Yes it is easier to become pregnant if you are not extremely heavy but not impossible and a miscarriage is not a guarantee because of weight it is just an unfortunate part that does happen regardless of who you are and how much you weigh.

ashesmf

Thank you all for sharing your experiences too! I am definitely not going back to that doctor. Your support is amazing.