Why does my sister act this way?

algebravoodoo

Oh gosh I hate those. If she does not want to be there then tell her that she does not have to come. I know she is family but sometimes you just have to be blunt. She can take her butt to Rockefeller Center or Park Avenue South since your neighborhood is not up to her standards. I am from New York City and I have never done that to any neighborhood down here.

^^This^^
Down here in Mississippi, we call that getting uppity, as in suddenly one is too good even for one's own family. I agree with this poster... someone is going to have to yank this child back into reality. I don't especially like the place where I was raised either due to the overabundance of closet racists, but chose to move back when our parents' health began failing. Like it or not, someone needs to remind this young lady that y'all are family and that is home, therefore it is all a part of who she has become, whether good or bad.

EmilyOfTheSun

Your sister sounds JUST like me when I have to go back to my hometown! I 'm definitely better than most of the trashy peeps in Baltimore. Maybe she and I can be friends.

LaMujerMasBonitaDelMundo

My sister has a two-faced personality and is also like that, which is why I don't like her even now

MinnieInMaine

You've asked for advice and you've received it and hopefully you will take it. A nice heart to heart is definitely in order. And you have to know that nothing will change about her behavior until you have this conversation. Good luck!

jenbusick

Have you talked to her about the fact that the way she talks offends you?

No, she's one of those overly defensive people. If i'm honest with her, she gets highly defensive and turns it on me.

I'm reading a book right now that's very helpful with situations like that. It's called "Nonviolent Communication" and talks about how to say what needs to be said without provoking defensiveness and anger in response. By the end of the first chapter I was using the technique and finding that it works. If you read the sample you can get for free for Kindle (which you can read on a computer, you don't have to have a kindle), you'll get enough information to start using it.

Basically, what you would say is something like "When you talk about how much you hate everyone and everything here, I am sad, because I think you must feel that way about me, too. I wish you could find nice things to say about where I live when you visit."

The author spends the whole book explaining why it works. I know that when I read it, I thought "That's never going to work," but I've been trying it, and it actually works almost like magic, on people I've been having unproductive conversations with for literally decades. It can be really hard to do it the way he says to do it -- you have to specifically identify how you feel about things as opposed to how somebody else feels about them (for example, you don't say "You just really hate it here, don't you?" -- one of the things that provokes defensiveness is telling other people what they feel, so you have to deal with just YOUR feelings) -- and you have to specifically identify the positive thing you would like for them to do instead. Negatives ("I wish you would stop doing that") don't work, because you can't do a negative. So you would say "When you say things that are based on people's race, I feel upset and confused, because I don't like to think of my own sister as a racist, but that's how some of those things sound. If you don't like a television show, I would rather that you simply say you don't like it or you don't think it's very believable, rather than talking about the race of the people involved." I know that sounds awkward -- this turns out to actually require a fair bit of thinking about what exactly you want to say, and it can be difficult -- but I'm finding that it really does work.

Best wishes to you! I hope your relationship with your sister improves! I'm putting a link to the book below:

http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1357306581&sr=8-1&keywords=nonviolent+communication

TrailRunner61

I know it's not realistic but... I'd be finding my best male friend, have him dress and act like a so called 'thug' she fears. Introduce him as your man. You could also say that someone was just murdered in front of your home the week before.

Realistically, I'd probably just ask her why she's saying that. Repeat as necessary. If she has a brain, she will figure it out. If not, ignore her and don't give her any attention when she talks that way. If she keeps it up, don't have her around. If that's unavoidable, be 'busy' when she's in town.

Good luck!

algebravoodoo

Easy fix. Just start dating nothing but Spanish and Black guys.

HAHAHAHA!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :bigsmile: :laugh: :laugh:

I know girls who have done that just to set their parents straight. On one hand it is using another person to get back at someone else, therefore wrong. On the other hand, if the date is a willing and informed participant... well, guess who's coming to dinner? :happy:

The look on her face would be priceless!
Just make sure that whomever you employ for the holiday dinner setup is aware of the situation and willing to get in on the act.

DoriGaga

I wouldn't automatically make the assumption that if she doesn't like the place you live, that she must feel the same about you. I like in a sketchy town, I swear 80% of the population is on Oxy's, but I'm not a drug addict, and when people say "I hate this town" I don't assume they hate me, I assume they hate how you can't walk downtown because it's dirty, and everyone you meet is all strung out.

I refer to my own town as Sketchville... doesn't mean I think of myself as sketchy, I'm just a normal person living in a sketchy town. Where you live is not who you are.

Your sister obviously has a reason why she act this way, maybe she is insecure and she builds herself up by tearing other people/things down. They way people act and talk is a reflection of themselves, not a reflection of the people and things around them. Yes, everyone judges, but those who are more forgiving and accepting of themselves will be more forgiving and accepting of the people and things around them, and less likely to say rude and hurtful things. She is clearly oblivious to the way her comments are being received, so she must be focusing more on herself than the people around her.

But the other question you need to ask yourself, and the only thing you can truly change in this situation is, WHY are you taking her comments to heart? Why are you letting someone else's opinion get to you? Deep down, do you maybe agree with her OR are you afraid that what she is saying is true? (About your city I mean, not about yourself). If you like where you live, then who cares what she says? Her opinion is just her opinion, it really doesn't change anything.

I always try to counter a negative comment with a positive one. Usually it applies more to when someone is putting down another person. I think when someone says something mean, they are looking for someone to agree. If you agree they are happy, if you don't they get defensive. So what I do when I hear an insult on someone or something, I just say "But (insert positive thing here)". I just use the word "but", because it creates a counter argument, without telling the other person straight out 'you're wrong', so they don't get on the defensive, but you also have in no way agreed with them so you are not reaffirming what they said either.

I can't think of specific examples because I don't know where you live, but it would go something like this:
Sister: "I hate this place"
You: "But we have (insert whatever good thing here) and that's really great"

Something along those lines. I do this all the time, and it doesn't stop the other person from being negative, but when you counter what they say with something positive, you feel better, and whatever they said has much less personal meaning to you, because you are not acknowledging it as true, and you are countering it with something good that you know is true.

I hope this made sense.... this is just my own solution to negativity in my own life, and it works for me.

jetlag

Have you talked to her about the fact that the way she talks offends you?

No, she's one of those overly defensive people. If i'm honest with her, she gets highly defensive and turns it on me.

I'm reading a book right now that's very helpful with situations like that. It's called "Nonviolent Communication" and talks about how to say what needs to be said without provoking defensiveness and anger in response. By the end of the first chapter I was using the technique and finding that it works. If you read the sample you can get for free for Kindle (which you can read on a computer, you don't have to have a kindle), you'll get enough information to start using it.

Basically, what you would say is something like "When you talk about how much you hate everyone and everything here, I am sad, because I think you must feel that way about me, too. I wish you could find nice things to say about where I live when you visit."

The author spends the whole book explaining why it works. I know that when I read it, I thought "That's never going to work," but I've been trying it, and it actually works almost like magic, on people I've been having unproductive conversations with for literally decades. It can be really hard to do it the way he says to do it -- you have to specifically identify how you feel about things as opposed to how somebody else feels about them (for example, you don't say "You just really hate it here, don't you?" -- one of the things that provokes defensiveness is telling other people what they feel, so you have to deal with just YOUR feelings) -- and you have to specifically identify the positive thing you would like for them to do instead. Negatives ("I wish you would stop doing that") don't work, because you can't do a negative. So you would say "When you say things that are based on people's race, I feel upset and confused, because I don't like to think of my own sister as a racist, but that's how some of those things sound. If you don't like a television show, I would rather that you simply say you don't like it or you don't think it's very believable, rather than talking about the race of the people involved." I know that sounds awkward -- this turns out to actually require a fair bit of thinking about what exactly you want to say, and it can be difficult -- but I'm finding that it really does work.

Best wishes to you! I hope your relationship with your sister improves! I'm putting a link to the book below:

http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1357306581&sr=8-1&keywords=nonviolent+communication

That's brilliant. I'm going to look into that. Thanks!

upgetupgetup

Going to guess your sister has a lot of other issues you're not seeing. Though, no offence, she also sounds a bit stupid. Try talking to her. She might not be open to you right now, or want to show vulnerability.

If that's the case, try actually calling her on her bull just when she's making it. She's getting away with it because you're hurt, and stuck for words. Find some - toughen up - and shut her down when she says dumb and offensive stuff, she'll learn her limits.

She'll probably grow out of some of it. If she sees you enjoying your life and other relationships (and not taking her crap), she might open up more to you with time.

likearadiowave

Thanks for your advice everyone