how do you deal when people try to sabotage you ?

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  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
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    Every time she pulls that kind of stuff, excuse yourself. Either go home or go to another room for awhile.
  • UKMarjie
    UKMarjie Posts: 257 Member
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    i live close to my parents and my mother has tried everything in her power to get me to lose weight shes tried giving me tae bo tapes ( how retro is that?) shes told me about exercise routines you name it but as time wore on and i wasnt getting the results SHE wanted from me she resorted to drastic measures she has invited over my brothers skinny friends and invited me over as well so ill feel insignificant next to them, she has pressured me into restrictive diet after restrictive diet and has all but demanded i try the recent crash diet shes wetting herself over.. now i've found a meal plan that works and i have confidence in myself for the first time ever and shes trying to sabotage me again by saying i cant eat fruit when every diet shes ever given me ever says i can..
    and that ill have to do dozens or crunches a day because running on a tredmill wont give me abs according to her... im realy close to my family and i don't want to have to cut ties with them for me to succeed in my efforts to lose the weight i've been carrying around for years but how can i do that when i have someone giving me unsolicited fitness advice and telling me to weigh my food or use a measuring cup to does out my food before i eat it? i know it sounds like im whining and im sorry if i offended anyone i didn't mean to if anyone out there has any advice about this it would be greatly appreciated thank you very much :smile:

    Here is the thing. Previously you managed to resist her advice on weight loss and stayed at a size she (and obviously you) found unacceptable. If you have a place you already know exists where you can go and tune her out go there now.

    The only person in charge of you is you. Also, one thing I had to learn, interestingly enough about the age that you are now, is that for anything to truly be mine (achievements, successes, failures, life) I had to learn that sometimes I just didn't share it with my parents until it was accomplished. You need to establish boundaries and you need to defend them. So telling her that you will no longer discuss your weight or health with her officially (like a sit-down, proper grown up chat) and that you will be enforcing this boundary by leaving or hanging up whenever she (or anyone) goes there. And then enforce it. Don't wine about it, don't argue, don't get mad - just leave the situation. And then go and prove them wrong. The best revenge? Proving them utterly wrong by finding a will of iron and getting this done. But even better - find the 'how many f8cks don't I give' place about anyone else's opinion and do this because it is the right thing for you and what you want to achieve!

    In an aside: I don't like to discuss my weight with my husband - he makes me feel like he is taking over whatever I am doing - I don't discuss when I am going to the gym - what I am eating or anything because it causes fights and it makes me resent him and get really mad. I know part of that is to do with accountability - as in: he makes me feel like I am not in control of the situation when he asks me about it - and sometimes I am and so get mad because I don't feel he is being supportive and sometimes it is because I am not and it makes me mad that he has 'caught me out'. This just illustrates how complicated my relationship to weight is and how the journey really is a solo trip. This time things are working because I am doing it for me and mostly couldn't give a flying fig what anyone else's ideas about my ideal self are. At 41 I am feeling a lot more free to do what I want.

    Good luck.
  • lenniebus
    lenniebus Posts: 321 Member
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    Psychological sabotage is tough, whether you are doing it to yourself, or someone close to you is! My mom has passed away, and I would do anything to have her back to harp at me! Assuming your mom is doing it out of love, I think talking to her would do the trick. If she has some other motivation, some space and serious boundary setting when you are with her would probably help. If she does something you feel is inappropriate or not helpful--just don't put up with it. Nothing wrong with calling her out on it.
  • iAMsmiling
    iAMsmiling Posts: 2,394 Member
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    Join the Navy and don't go home for 10 years or more.

    Hey, worked for me.
  • UKMarjie
    UKMarjie Posts: 257 Member
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    Join the Navy and don't go home for 10 years or more.

    Hey, worked for me.

    That is setting some serious boundaries. I just moved to another continent. Worked a treat as well! ;)
  • iluvprettyshoes
    iluvprettyshoes Posts: 605 Member
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    You have to set some boundaries with her. If she chooses not to comply then limit your time with her as much as possible until you are strong enough to handle her vitriol.
  • stephdeeable
    stephdeeable Posts: 1,407 Member
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    Nobody has ever tried to sabotage me because I don't associate with supervillains.
  • queenhiphop
    queenhiphop Posts: 286 Member
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    yes in fact she is, she pushes me and then harps at me when i fail she dosnt trust me enough to do this on my own..

    Is she tackling you when a piece of fruit approaches your mouth? Is she taking food off of your plate and measuring it for you?

    sabotage doesn't have to be physical....

    all i can say is she's your mother so she probably genuinely wants the best for you

    can you move out or is that not an option?
  • wibutterflymagic
    wibutterflymagic Posts: 788 Member
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    Hmmmm...you're 27. You are good and grown. Let her say her piece and say, Ok that's your opinion.

    Leave it at that, and do what you want. No one can sabotage you unless YOU allow them to. You really do have control of yourself.

    Seriously.
    If for the moment you have found something that is giving you results and confidence(that isn't unsafe) to continue then you need to tell your mom to step off. You need to let her know that she is just making things more difficult for you and that she needs to leave you alone. You are an adult, take control. If she really won't leave you alone then you need to stay away from her and anyone else that isn't helping you.

    I don't know what your "meal plan" is but if it's not something that is teaching you how to eat healthy on your own, it will help you to begin with but in the long term you won't learn healthier, sustainable eating habits. Your mother's comment about measuring and weighing your food is sound advice. Most people here on mfp watch their calorie intake by learning how to measure and calculate correct serving sizes so that we can change our eating lifestyle. "Diets", "meal plans" work in the short run but do not teach anything.
  • MightyDomo
    MightyDomo Posts: 1,265 Member
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    She is your mother and they certainly think they always know best. My mother crams her opinion down my throat but I had friends and some family kindly remind me that opinions are given but they don't have to be used. It is up to you what you want to do with them.

    If she is forcing it on you in her home it might be time to lay down your own law, if she meddles then you won't come for a visit. Or you can create your own way of coercing her into listening and taking a step back and letting you continue the way that works for you. If you don't say or do anything then nothing will change.
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
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    Every has their own idea of what the right way to lose weight is. And different things work for different people. Explain this to your mother, thank her politely for her advice but tell her what you're doing now is working and you're enjoying it so you'll just keep on for now. As others have said, I'm sure it's coming from a good place, she's just not expressing herself well.

    My mother and husband both used to say things like "can you eat that?" or even "you can't eat that on a diet". At first I corrected them and said something like "I'm not on a diet, I can eat whatever I want within reason". Now I just look at them and shake my head because I'm not going to waste my breath. Plus I think I've proven by now that I know what I'm doing...

    And maybe that's what it'll take for your Mom to get off your back OP - keep doing what you're doing and eventually she'll see the changes in you and realize you're doing just fine without her help.
  • purpleipod
    purpleipod Posts: 1,147 Member
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    People only "sabotage" you if you let them.
  • DavPul
    DavPul Posts: 61,406 Member
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    Sabotage. It does not mean what you think it means
  • Gramps251
    Gramps251 Posts: 738 Member
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    Sabotage. It does not mean what you think it means

    Inconceivable!
  • MB_Positif
    MB_Positif Posts: 8,897 Member
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    Make yourself scarce for a while. When she sees how great you look tell her you stopped eating fruit and started using meth. Honestly though, moms can be the worst. Ignore her. Live your life. Get healthy.
  • OliveRiver
    OliveRiver Posts: 81 Member
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    I find it funny that pretty much everybody giving the best advice on here is a guy.

    Seriously, toughen up. Even if my mother failed to teach me anything else with her barbed tongue, I did learn to form a tough skin and find a pair.

    As they say, opinions are like ***holes, everyone has one.
    Doesn't mean you have to listen to it.
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
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    I have nothing else to add to this thread except for what is now stuck in my head:


    I can't stand it,
    I know you planned it,
    I'm gonna set it straight,
    this Watergate.


    So thank you for that. =\
  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
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    jof, i was listening to beastie boys this morning!!

    no one can sabatoge you without your permission.
  • LetsMakeupXtina
    LetsMakeupXtina Posts: 627 Member
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    Haters gonna Hate!!!! bottom line.
  • MommaKit79
    MommaKit79 Posts: 852
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    I'm sorry but some of you are being extremely insensitive. Just because her mother isn't physically forcing food from her hands or "tackling her" doesn't mean that it is not sabotage and certainly isn't behavior that helps someone who struggles with their weight. If you don't have anything helpful or nice to say, move on. To the OP, I think the person that said just politely decline your mother's input is the best advice. Let her know that different things work for different people and you've found what works for you and you don't need her advice but you will ask her when you do. I know it's tough, I'm close with my mom and we both struggle with our weight and we just don't talk about it at all anymore. I hope you can come to a place where you can still have a good relationship with your family and continue to take care of yourself. Good luck!

    ^^Totally Agree!! I dont understand why people have to be so harsh. So of us have learned to respect our elders and it is hard to "not listen" to them or take what they say to heart. It takes some time but, we eventually learn.

    I think if you Respectfully sit down and talk with your mom, that should work. If not, one thing to do is make a deal with her. Tell her to give you a couple months doing things YOUR WAY and THEN you can sit and talk about it. Tell her you are 27 yrs old and you want her to trust your judgement as to what you think is best for you.

    GOOD LUCK!!!! :-)

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