Constructive criticism, please! Sheesh!

chocl8girl

Seriously? This is the internet. People come from every country, culture, and language. This is a public forum. Inflection and body language cannot be transmitted digitally. Every person has a unique approach to communication, and not all of them translate well into a typing-only medium. Take a step back and breathe.

How you respond to such communication methods without the accompanied physical cues is your own responsibility, and a skill that has to be cultivated when you deal with people online. People on the whole actually DO care about others, and mostly want to help, and that is why they say the things they do when YOU ask for help on a public forum. Being blunt is NOT the same as being rude. Being honest is NOT the same thing as being rude.

Telling you only what you want to hear in only the way you want to hear it is what's rude, in my opinion, as well as disingenuous, and frankly the people that want to sugarcoat and bubble wrap and rose-colored-sunglass life are the ones who don't truly care about the welfare of others.

Some are blunt and honest in their approach, some take a softer, gentler approach. Appreciate and be thankful for any and all responses that you asked for, because they took the time and genuine care to answer you, whether they told you what you want to hear in the way that you wanted to hear it or not.

And maybe you need to take a good hard look at why you are needing to play the victim here. Maybe, just MAYBE, it's because you already know what you need to change, but would rather get a pat on the head and a cookie for knowing that rather than a kick in the pants. And that's OK, but if you prefer the pat on the head, and that works better for you, maybe you should think twice before posing a question on a public forum where all kinds of people who want the best for you, however they may express it, will answer you.

ashleen7

suck it up buttercup.

^^ this. But remember to log the cals!:flowerforyou:

pyrowill

I would ask when you QUOTE in the forum would you mind writing your response underneath rather than on top? Maybe it's just me but it seems thats how most people do it and I think it's a bit easier to show your response beneath?*

*Not criticising

determinedbutlazy

"Bawwww, the FREE advice I'm getting from people who know more than me (who have given the same FREE advice on this FREE website a hundred times before FOR FREE) wasn't wrapped in a pretty pink bow and people told me I didn't do perfect, bawwwww."

If people seemed direct/rude it's because every single day there are tens of posts all saying the same thing...

"I'm doing everything PERFECTLY, but it's not working... WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEEEEE"

And then they get butthurt when they're told that actually, no, they didn't do everything perfectly.


TLDR; This is the internet. People will talk to you however they like. They are offering you free advice. Man up or go pay some nutritionist to sugarcoat it for you.

KatherineStar

"Bawwww, the FREE advice I'm getting from people who know more than me (who have given the same FREE advice on this FREE website a hundred times before FOR FREE) wasn't wrapped in a pretty pink bow and people told me I didn't do perfect, bawwwww."

If people seemed direct/rude it's because every single day there are tens of posts all saying the same thing...

"I'm doing everything PERFECTLY, but it's not working... WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEEEEE"

And then they get butthurt when they're told that actually, no, they didn't do everything perfectly.


TLDR; This is the internet. People will talk to you however they like. They are offering you free advice. Man up or go pay some nutritionist to sugarcoat it for you.

Saved me writing this. Think you're being a little defensive....

Bobby__Clerici

There was nothing rude in the other thread.
You need to go back and read what I wrote and what 2 people have already quoted and agreed with.
Do it, follow it, come back in 2 months and tell me how happy you are I was "rude".

I see MFP as a tool. And part of the tool is accountability that arrives in many forms.
The best help often comes fast and frank.
Just set your feelings on the shelf, and use what is constructive.
:flowerforyou:

beyoutifulanna

I have not been on this website very long, but after the few posts I recently made and the very frank and hurtful ways people responded I am disgusted. I thought this was a website to encourage one another. If someone is misinformed, inform them. In a nice way. Give them a pat on the back and another try.

I was in fact NOT spot on with my eating. What I was spot on with was logging everything I consumed and holding myself accountable, because it was there, black and white, out in the open, for the entire website to read and shove in my face. I can honestly say I had no idea how much sugar and sodium I was actually consuming, so thank you for letting me know what YOU saw. It was helpful. Cutting out sugar is hard, cutting out sodium is even harder, as some of you will know.

For those of you that said "hey, you gave a good try, but I would do this differently" I greatly appreciate your ideas, suggestions, support and kind words.

For those of you that gave me a snotty "excuse me honey but your diet sucks" response, go shove it! With that attitude you may lose weight, but your personality will always make you ugly.

We're not perfect, and we're all here for similar reasons, just remember that.

I totally understand where you're coming from. I have come to realize, some people just dont know any better. Especially over the internet, people can really be tough and mean typing on the keyboard but in person, most of those people wouldnt have the same input. If anyone should come down hard on us for mistakes we make regarding eating and exercise habits it should be family or a doctor. Who needs to be beat up on when we are already so hard on ourselves for what we stuggle with day to day? So I totally understand how your feelings would be hurt.

newdaydawning79

You've found out what you need to change, and that's awesome! Keep going from there, and just let the other stuff roll off. I know it's not that easy, I'm SUPER-sensitive about things and sometimes things upset me that likely shouldn't. I haven't read the last thread so I don't know what was said but I am sorry it upset you...but I'm glad that you know where to go from here to kickstart your weight loss.

Some people are just rude to be rude, some really aren't meaning to come across that way but words on the screen sometimes aren't interpreted correctly...some are just blunt and believe in tough love. Don't let it get to you. At the end of the day, this is YOUR lifestyle change. We're here to help you get there.

Feel free to add me if you'd like!

kalibsmom

I agree that constructive critisism is needed, the problem comes from people being rude while giving it. Noone has that right!! I have been reading some posts on here lately that I was thinking to myself, "What are wrong with these people? Were they not taught to use their manners??" As a mother I raise my children that they can speak their mind in all situations, they just have to do it with respect!! If you can't have respect for the original poster and give advise without being rude then DO NOT RESPOND!!! Negativity could cause someone to decide they don't want to continue working through this site! People should really think before they say stuff, everything you do and say has consequences. I am not saying that it needs to be sugar coated, but it can be said in a way that shows respect and isn't rude!! By the way awesome job at keeping track of your food, that is half the battle

queenhiphop

what you think is rude/blunt isn't always other people's idea of rude/blunt

there are 7 billion people in this world and we all have different opinions

Firefox7275

Sometimes it is overly sensitive people reading negative 'tone of voice' or imagining negative facial expressions where there is none. Many phrases can be read in more that one way, why do you choose to read nasty connotations or tone? People aren't paid to post here or spend time sugar coating their responses to someone else's standards. We all have different posting styles some of us are naturally more straight talking/ honest/ blunt than others, maybe you need to be more tolerant to the differences in this world instead of expecting everyone to be an empathetic Stepford wife? Aren't we all about keeping it real here? Don't we embrace cultural differences?

And I am genuinely sorry if you think the above is rude, it is not meant to be - read frustration. People try to help and they get bashed for telling the truth. I actually think you owe some people an apology.

Junken_Diraffe

Honey, if you thought that thread was rude, this REALLY isn't the place for you. I did not see one rude comment. Everyone was pleasant and trying to help. You are FAR too sensitive! You definitely need a thicker skin if you're going to post in the forums. Just like any site, you'll get all kinds here. Most people who are truly knowledgable tend to not sugar coat anything and will give it to you straight. Honestly, that is what most people need. Few are prepared for that though.

It sounded to me like you were looking for someone to say, "it's okay sweetie, you'll get 'em next time!". While that may be true, you're MUCH more likely to get where you need to be if you take suggestions and criticism well, and learn from it. Don't be so defensive.

Good luck. :flowerforyou:

Sweet_Pea0107

Honestly the only rude person on that thread was you. You made a claim that you were "spot on" and when people called you out saying you were no "spot on" you got all upset. Frankly I don't sugar coat and there are many people on here that don't sugar coat either. All those people were telling you the TRUTH. It isn't really their fault you can't take it. These forums are not for the over sensitive.

mathildapops

Hi, I've only been doing this a week and believe me my food diary was shocking! However seeing it in black & white has helped me motivate myself into making changes (mainly alcohol, 800kcal one day!!) sometimes it may take someone else to point out where you may be struggling, however I do agree it needs to be done in a way as to be constructive criticism not destructive criticism!
Good luck & stay strong, add me if you like. X

lilpoindexter

Just do deadlifts and squats and everything will be ok. Lift heavy.

determinedbutlazy

Just do deadlifts and squats and everything will be ok. Lift heavy.

Ha!

atthompson27

I didn't read your thread (& perhaps I should before responding) but since I've had a similar experience, I feel I can go ahead & speak on it. I totally agree with you. Everyone should know that there's a difference between being blunt & being rude.
Blunt: "You're eating too much sodium, this will make you retain water & contribute to weight gain" or "You're eating way too much fat! Ease up & you might lose." "Don't buy into the diet pill hype/crap. Just focus on calories in/calories out."
Rude: "If you buy into that you're a sucker"
Being rude or TRYING to be witty isn't necessary, & that's what I see a lot of people doing on here. Just give feedback. Some people are completely ignorant to the nutritional decisions required to improve their health. You may think that doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. At least they're on here trying to get help. If you knew everything & had it all together then you wouldn't be on here either now would you?
I'm a member of other groups & blogs & this is the only one related to weight loss & the people on here are the rudest & provide the most terse responses. Maybe there's a correlation?
Try inviting some some select, encouraging friends on here & having discussions with them. That may be more helpful.

atthompson27

Great feedback! I 2nd that.

atthompson27

I don't need nice-nice, and I don't need rude either. This entire website is everyone attacking everyone in this forum. Not just mine, but many others I've seen. Not really sure why people can't be a LITTLE nicer when delivering information.

I think that comes from a number of things.
A glut of "attention" seeking threads where people either boast about eating below 1200, hence much flaming, or... statements that they are not losing, and with diary open, sometimes results in flaming.

None of this is an exact science, but there is a lot you can do to make it more so.
A little research into things like your Total Daily Energy Expenditure (TDEE) & Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) will help you understand broadly what you should eat each day, and what you can eat at a deficit to help with losing weight,
Logging as accurately as you can is half the battle

I have someone on my friend list cheering me on/nagging me about my water intake, for example.
What they don't realise is that before I came on here, I was terrible, TERRIBLE about drinking water - so managing 4-5 cups a day is a HUGE thing for me - so do I get irritated when they are all "hey drink more"? No - they are trying to encourage as best they can based on what little they know about me.

Perhaps maybe only have your diary open to people you choose to friend, and ask for opinions among a smaller group.

But above all - this takes LOTS of tweaking and adjusting... it's not a sprint...
It took me two weeks before I even really got to grips with the whole logging, and getting over the horror of what I was putting away.
It took a good month to learn what worked for me - some weeks I gained, some weeks static...
It took me 4 months before I was even ready to get my head around the effects of BMR, TDEE and deficits and how that might work for me...

Please.. be patient, and find a way to make the site work for you. As blunt as people are in the forums, that is the nature of the internetz... I find them a great source (sometimes) for information, I do my own research, and I tweak my own goals and above all - you need to be on here for YOU, not for the virtual support you think you're gonna get!
Build up a small but decent bunch of similar goaled friends and work within those parameters... that may well work better for you.

Good luck with your journey.

Great feedback. I 2nd that!

Sweet_Pea0107

I didn't read your thread (& perhaps I should before responding) but since I've had a similar experience, I feel I can go ahead & speak on it. I totally agree with you. Everyone should know that there's a difference between being blunt & being rude.
Blunt: "You're eating too much sodium, this will make you retain water & contribute to weight gain" or "You're eating way too much fat! Ease up & you might lose." "Don't buy into the diet pill hype/crap. Just focus on calories in/calories out."
Rude: "If you buy into that you're a sucker"
Being rude or TRYING to be witty isn't necessary, & that's what I see a lot of people doing on here. Just give feedback. Some people are completely ignorant to the nutritional decisions required to improve their health. You may think that doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. At least they're on here trying to get help. If you knew everything & had it all together then you wouldn't be on here either now would you?
I'm a member of other groups & blogs & this is the only one related to weight loss & the people on here are the rudest & provide the most terse responses. Maybe there's a correlation?
Try inviting some some select, encouraging friends on here & having discussions with them. That may be more helpful.

You probably should have taken the time to read the previous thread...

LizardQueen4PointOh

Don't mind me... *scarfs down a handful of popcorn*