Help!! Am I making to much of this?

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24

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  • wandarb
    wandarb Posts: 21 Member
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    To quote Dr Phil "RUN!...don't walk to the nearest exit!"
  • kevinrbarger
    kevinrbarger Posts: 87 Member
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    If this was a free dating site like POF or OKCupid, I think it would be less of a deal. I'm a pretty open guy, though, and it takes a lot to make me jealous or concerned that someone is cheating. I feel that flirting is a natural human trait.

    However, the fact that you have to pay to keep a subscription to match.com, which means that he is actually paying to flirt would be a huge red flag. This isn't just him playing around online. This is him actively searching.

    The fact that he lied to try to hide it means that he is aware that what he is doing is wrong. My advice is to err on the side of caution with this one.
  • fleur_de_lis19
    fleur_de_lis19 Posts: 926 Member
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    hold the phone... you have to pay for that site???
    If so.. dip out.. NOW
  • SeaRunner26
    SeaRunner26 Posts: 5,143 Member
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    It all boils down to how important trust is to you. if you don't mind that he would blatantly lie to you and then try to rationalize his poor behavior and shift the blame to you, then by all means keep dating. But if this bothers you and is not what you're looking for in a long term partner, it's time to cut ties. He may say differently, but it is unlikely he will change. He may stop looking around online, but he will likely find other outlets for his "curiosity". Good luck making your decision. I hope you consider what you deserve in life when making this choice, not what's easiest or most convenient.
  • nikilis
    nikilis Posts: 2,305 Member
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    no you arent wrong- this is internet cheating and if he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong there is no point- he wont get it or change....thank God you found out now and not later....you can do much better :) keep looking!

    internet cheating by sending a wink to someone? LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

    yah, hes lame and seems like a douche. honestly, if hes with you and he feels the need to get some kind of gratification from flirting with other women, that may be a sign of things to come. I agree, you should probably bounce, or set very very clear ground rules for your relationship so there can be no "but I thought" bullsh!t.

    internet cheating. lol. thats not what happened, he just seems to be dishonest.

    I think you would struggle to use winks on match.com as a grounds for divorce.

    cheating is cheating no matter where you find it sweetie unless you are one of the types that like to swing in which case you should both know about and condone it....

    hes being dishonest. not cheating. its weird and dishonest, but thats not cheating. if he was writing to people and lining up hook ups, then he could be charged with "conspiracy to cheat" or "contacting with intent to cheat".

    lol. sounds like you are an expert on swinging also. it wouldn't be cheating if your partner knew and agreed to it.

    there is no cheating in an online wink. theres no cheating in a real life exchange of a glance in a bar. try again.



    wait.... is it cheating to hold a fish in a provocitive and presentative way? you are touching the fish.... thats more than a flirt..... shame on you...
  • mandy031383
    mandy031383 Posts: 94 Member
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    You might be dating, but are you exclusive ? And do both of you know it?

    If he says yes, have a frind set up an account , flirt with him and ask him out.
    At least you will know one way or the other before you get to invested.

    ( and if he's a loser i know lots of single guys who are decent.)

    Yes, we are exclusive. Backstory we met in April on Match went on a date and ended up being friends. He then developed feelings for me at the end of the summer and I found out in October. I decided to date him for about 5 weeks before I finally became his Girlfriend (he would ask me every day), because I wanted to make sure there was something real there and that this was what we both wanted. Sence then he has told me he loves me, he thinks I am the "one" and he could see marrying me. Also when I finally said yes he told me he had taken his profile down on match and pof. So yeah I would say we are exclusive.
  • ♥Faerie♥
    ♥Faerie♥ Posts: 14,053 Member
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    Only person you can trust is yourself.....if your instincts are telling you there's more to it..there probably is....
  • Hellbent_Heidi
    Hellbent_Heidi Posts: 3,669 Member
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    No, you're not making too much of it. He's still looking for other girls, and he lied about it...what more do you need to know? Will you even be able to trust the guy after this?

    I'd cut my losses and move on if it were me....
  • fionadasein
    fionadasein Posts: 165 Member
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    If you both have agreed to have an open relationship and to keep your options open then him actively continuing with his online dating profile isn't a big deal and I wouldn't worry about that -- the only problematic part is his dishonesty, which is a big dealbreaker.

    If you don't have an understanding about both of you keeping your options open to pursue others, then you have two big dealbreakers.

    If you have 1+ dealbreaker = a big fat waste of your time, and aren't you here to lose excess fat? ;)

    x
  • witchy_wife
    witchy_wife Posts: 792 Member
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    I don't know if I would class it as cheating.... but it seems dishonest and sneaky to me. He lied about it when first questioned which would make it hard for me to trust him.

    If it was a long term relationship or marriage and I really loved the person I would maybe consider trying to work around it and seeing if I could trust them again. If it was a new relationship I would probably just call day on it and not risk the probable heartache one day down the line.
  • Pedal_Pusher
    Pedal_Pusher Posts: 1,166 Member
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    You're making way too much of it for sure...........
  • iLoveMyPitbull1225
    iLoveMyPitbull1225 Posts: 1,690 Member
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    dump him!
  • metaphoria
    metaphoria Posts: 1,432 Member
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    You don't make reservations at a restaurant just to go sit and look at a menu.
  • dovetail22uk
    dovetail22uk Posts: 339 Member
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    Are you making too much of it?

    No. You met him online. He still has a dating profile.

    People in a serious relationship do not need dating profile.

    ^^ This. Agree.
  • mommyfauc
    mommyfauc Posts: 54 Member
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    Dump his lying *kitten*. If it was no big deal he wouldn't of lied about it.
  • annabellj
    annabellj Posts: 1,337 Member
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    You might be dating, but are you exclusive ? And do both of you know it?

    If he says yes, have a frind set up an account , flirt with him and ask him out.
    At least you will know one way or the other before you get to invested.

    ( and if he's a loser i know lots of single guys who are decent.)

    Yes, we are exclusive. Backstory we met in April on Match went on a date and ended up being friends. He then developed feelings for me at the end of the summer and I found out in October. I decided to date him for about 5 weeks before I finally became his Girlfriend (he would ask me every day), because I wanted to make sure there was something real there and that this was what we both wanted. Sence then he has told me he loves me, he thinks I am the "one" and he could see marrying me. Also when I finally said yes he told me he had taken his profile down on match and pof. So yeah I would say we are exclusive.
    he lied to you and said he took his profile down. he is just not that into you and is lying about everything else. sorry sweetie. If I were you I would move on. why be with someone who lies repeatedly to you to get what they want? There are plenty of decent guys out there and you deserve way better! I would much rather be by myself and have my self respect than to be with a guy like that.
  • mandy031383
    mandy031383 Posts: 94 Member
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    no you arent wrong- this is internet cheating and if he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong there is no point- he wont get it or change....thank God you found out now and not later....you can do much better :) keep looking!

    internet cheating by sending a wink to someone? LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

    yah, hes lame and seems like a douche. honestly, if hes with you and he feels the need to get some kind of gratification from flirting with other women, that may be a sign of things to come. I agree, you should probably bounce, or set very very clear ground rules for your relationship so there can be no "but I thought" bullsh!t.

    internet cheating. lol. thats not what happened, he just seems to be dishonest.

    I think you would struggle to use winks on match.com as a grounds for divorce.

    cheating is cheating no matter where you find it sweetie unless you are one of the types that like to swing in which case you should both know about and condone it....

    hes being dishonest. not cheating. its weird and dishonest, but thats not cheating. if he was writing to people and lining up hook ups, then he could be charged with "conspiracy to cheat" or "contacting with intent to cheat".

    lol. sounds like you are an expert on swinging also. it wouldn't be cheating if your partner knew and agreed to it.

    there is no cheating in an online wink. theres no cheating in a real life exchange of a glance in a bar. try again.



    wait.... is it cheating to hold a fish in a provocitive and presentative way? you are touching the fish.... thats more than a flirt..... shame on you...

    I do agree it is not technically cheating but, I feel it is getting very close to that line. Like conspiracy to cheat I guess you could say. He has sent out winks and e-mails both but, not one of the girls who he has e-mailed and winked at have responded so I don't know what would happen or how far it would go if he got a responce from them.
  • mandy031383
    mandy031383 Posts: 94 Member
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    If you both have agreed to have an open relationship and to keep your options open then him actively continuing with his online dating profile isn't a big deal and I wouldn't worry about that -- the only problematic part is his dishonesty, which is a big dealbreaker.

    If you don't have an understanding about both of you keeping your options open to pursue others, then you have two big dealbreakers.

    If you have 1+ dealbreaker = a big fat waste of your time, and aren't you here to lose excess fat? ;)

    x

    No we have nooooo agreement like that, I have made it very clear when I am in a relationship boyfriend/girlfriend then its just the two of us. Way before any of this. And when I confronted him about this again I said to him there cannot be any back up's or what if's or just in case this doesn't work out type of things and he said he agreed and said he didn't.
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
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    The fact that he lied about it is what bothers me the most. I don't think there's much wrong with flirting...defined specifically as behaving as if you're trying to attract someone without serious intention. To me, he wasn't just harmlessly flirting considering he's on a paid membership website intended to find people to date which means there is intention.

    Bottom line is, if you ask him to shut down his profile, are you going to be able to trust that he does or will you feel like you need to check up on him again to make sure he did it? Trust is vitally important in a relationship.
  • mandy031383
    mandy031383 Posts: 94 Member
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    He's not really invested in dating you if he's keeping his options open by checking out other users-and if it's not flirting then don't lie about it and by not telling you right away he knows he's doing something that's not good for your relationship-did he ask you if you were still active on the site or how would he feel about it if you were flirting with guys online-

    I did ask him how it would make him feel if it was the other way around and he told me he wouldn't care.

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