To confront or not to confront?

rgohm

Okay so here is the story. I have a wonderful 14 yr old boy who, like a lot of teenagers, has lost his way. He has horrible self-esteem probably due to his severe scoliosis and having to wear a back brace plus he has braces on his teeth and kids make fun of him. I believe this contributed to him finding horrible friends. I found out his new friends smoke pot, cut themselves and one has said that she sells her body, by the way she is also 14! Anyway, I told him he is no longer allowed to hang out with them. His therapist did tell me to still allow them over so that way they get bored here at my house and her theory is they may then get bored with him.

Now that you have some background, I can continue. Because of said friends, I have started to read his texts messages, with his knowledge, of course( I never did this before these friends as I think privacy is very important). He has told his friends I do this and they realize it yet I see rude texts about me on his phone.

An example of this would be that the girl texted my son and told him she told her mom that I said she was a cr@@k w#$re. My son told her I never said that (I never did) I said I was afraid she was addicted to p@t and she said well basically the same thing! Then she went on to tell him that she is trying to friend me on facebook and "let's see how long it takes her to block me LOL".

She knows I read this stuff, so here is the question; Do I confront her? Not in an angry bear sort of way but just text her back letting her know it is me and telling her that I never said that, nor would I ever and that she would have been welcome in my house, with me present at any given time till she showed my such disrespect of the texts. I think the thing about it is she KNOWS I read that.

I am a young mom I am only 35 with a 19 yr old and a 14 yr old, but I do expect respect. I treat my kids and their friends with the same amount of respect as one of my peers, but you better believe I expect it right back! I hate HATE disrespect. I would have never talked about one of my friend's parents like this,ever! and I really disliked several of them. My mom would have smacked my lips of my face. What do you think?

cmriverside

Do NOT engage a minor in any kind of written argument. This could end badly for you.....seen it.

RawTriGal

Do NOT engage a minor in any kind of written argument. This could end badly for you.....seen it.

ditto.... don't get sucked in. Their values are learned at home.

witchy_wife

I agree with the other reply. Rise above it, she doesn't seem the sort of girl who you can have a sensible conversation with. It will annoy her more if she cannot get a rise out of you.

Good luck, sounds a horrible situation! x

emmabeckemeyer1

Does your son know what the girl said was wrong and hurtful? How does he feel about it? <this is what I would worry about and forget the girl. I would hope if you teach/tell your son how hurtful what she said he will decide to no longer be friends with her.

CH0DE_LICK

Kids text in code now. SMH, BRB, GTG,TTL, and so many more I don't even know. You shouldn't be writing a minor anyways. This has a poorly written Yahoo article all over it. "Mom text son's friend". See it just doesn't sound right. If you don't want him hanging around her that's fine. Don't text with her there's no point.

devilwhiterose

Let it go. The best you can do is raise your son right and let him draw his own conclusions. I know...easier said than done. :laugh:

Brianna72994

I dont think you should talk to her or contact her in any way. Obviously I have no parenting experience but that would really tick me off! You should let it go. Or don't allow him to text her anymore, there are ways to block numbers.

bonjour24

i'd wouldn't talk with her at all, but i would ban her from my house.

blink1021

Do NOT engage a minor in any kind of written argument. This could end badly for you.....seen it.

yes DO NOT confront her it will only end badly for you especially if she has confrontational parents. The only control you have is your own child if it was my childs friend I would not let that girl in my house and if she bashes you enough to your son he may just remove himself from her company as well.

karenjoy

I think you need to back off, from your son too, listen to his therapist, please. Over parenting is damaging to self esteem as well as neglect etc (not saying you are neglecting) I know you are doing your very best, but you are the adult, you need to start acting like it and not engage in childish point scoring with 14 year old CHILDREN.

peckish_pomegranate

She knows you're reading them and is trying to get a rise out of you. Leave it alone, she's not your child.

Some other notes here: Children lie, just like adults. I really doubt any of your son's friends "sell their bodies" or even self harm. They probably don't even smoke pot, and if they do, don't get all worked up over it. Pot isn't addictive and doesn't raise any serious health risks, it just makes you stupid for a while. Moreover, most teens and young adults do it at some point and you'll have to accept that.

Adults don't inherently deserve respect from children, this is also something I wish more parents understood. When you treat young people without the same respect you'd give adults, they grow up treating others without real respect. Either that girl will grow out of it or she won't, but either way it's not your business. Let it go and let your son have his own autonomy in life.

rompers16

I've got 5 kids and only 1 thankfully that acted like this. As a parent, I would want someone to tell me if my child was sending rude texts/using drugs. I would hate to think that someone would assume that it was because of my child's environment that he was acting out. Not all parents are going to be confrontational if you express your concerns.

rgohm

She knows you're reading them and is trying to get a rise out of you. Leave it alone, she's not your child.

Some other notes here: Children lie, just like adults. I really doubt any of your son's friends "sell their bodies" or even self harm. They probably don't even smoke pot, and if they do, don't get all worked up over it. Pot isn't addictive and doesn't raise any serious health risks, it just makes you stupid for a while. Moreover, most teens and young adults do it at some point and you'll have to accept that.

Adults don't inherently deserve respect from children, this is also something I wish more parents understood. When you treat young people without the same respect you'd give adults, they grow up treating others without real respect. Either that girl will grow out of it or she won't, but either way it's not your business. Let it go and let your son have his own autonomy in life.

Since typing doesn't convey tone, I just want to say this is written as just a calm reply.

First of all, thank you for your reply. Secondly, actually she has scars all of her arms, short, straight, horizontal cuts and scars. I don't smoke pot and I would prefer my children didn't either, that being said I am not against pot at all, it just isn't for me. I don't live in some world where I think every child is perfect and won't experiment either.

rgohm

I think you need to back off, from your son too, listen to his therapist, please. Over parenting is damaging to self esteem as well as neglect etc (not saying you are neglecting)

Thank you for your reply. I would like to say until my son lied to me I never had a reason to mistrust him, so he brought the reading of the texts on himself, also his therapist is the one who told me to read his texts because she believes these girls to be dangerous. I could say more about them but really the basics suffice for my purpose of this board.

Yes over parenting can be bad I have seen it with some of my friends. My son had all the freedoms that his honesty afforded him, he lied, he lost them. I am a very open person and he knows he can tell me about anything. I have told him I don't want him to drink BUT if it ever did happen to, call me and I will go get him and there would be no punishment because I would rather him feel comfortable enough to call me then end up dead because a drunk friend drove him home (happened to a friend of mine). I treat my children as people they aren't "just little kids" they are future adults (one already is) and they can expect respect but if they do wrong they will face consequences, just like us adults do.

rgohm

I've got 5 kids and only 1 thankfully that acted like this. As a parent, I would want someone to tell me if my child was sending rude texts/using drugs. I would hate to think that someone would assume that it was because of my child's environment that he was acting out. Not all parents are going to be confrontational if you express your concerns.

Thank you very much for your reply, you "get it", honestly I am not sure her mom cares enough to hear it. I did tell my son that because of his friend's disrespect she wouldn't be allowed in my house again and I told him that was her choice to be rude but my choice is to not have to put up with it. I will leave it at that.

I am curious about how you kid ended up? I think my son does truly have a good head on his shoulders. He is smart, funny, creative and loving, he has just fallen in with a bad group of kids.

Sherbog

Is My Fitness Pal your only resource for child rearing info? i would seek out people I am close to rather than strangers.

rgohm

i'd wouldn't talk with her at all, but i would ban her from my house.

Thank you for your reply! Advice taken.

Skinny_minny_mo

She knows you're reading them and is trying to get a rise out of you. Leave it alone, she's not your child.

Some other notes here: Children lie, just like adults. I really doubt any of your son's friends "sell their bodies" or even self harm. They probably don't even smoke pot, and if they do, don't get all worked up over it. Pot isn't addictive and doesn't raise any serious health risks, it just makes you stupid for a while. Moreover, most teens and young adults do it at some point and you'll have to accept that.

Adults don't inherently deserve respect from children, this is also something I wish more parents understood. When you treat young people without the same respect you'd give adults, they grow up treating others without real respect. Either that girl will grow out of it or she won't, but either way it's not your business. Let it go and let your son have his own autonomy in life.

while i agree with your fisrt line, and the line that kids lie, the rest i dont.

as a counsellor, i am shocked at how many kids at a very young age self harm and are addicted to weed. it MESSES with their brains, with their daily functioning and can have more serious repercussions down the line.

that said, to the OP, you have some understanding as to why your son wants to hang out with these kids - to be accepted, as we all so desperately want to be. get him involved in other activities, things that make him feel special. dont belittle him or his friends, rather BUILD HIM UP. and dont try and be friends or be the nice mom, he may actually be looking to you offer love and support as wel as boundaries.

all the best, you sound like a mom who really wants her son to be happy.

MightyDomo

Advice that I might be able to give is do not take her head on, although if she tries to friend you on facebook I would send her a message that kindly says that you have no qualms with her coming over to hang out with your son while you're both home and that she is fully welcome but all you can ask is that she respects you as her friends mother. That is the absolute most you should do at all if at all, really it can go very wrong very fast with teenagers so I certainly don't think you should talk to them directly.

Instead talk to your son and let him know how this girl and her 'behavior' towards you is making you feel, he might understand and although he is a troubled teen he might make a choice not to hang around someone who is willingly hurting him mom.

Best of luck!

3foldchord

Do NOT engage a minor in any kind of written argument. This could end badly for you.....seen it.

ditto.... don't get sucked in. Their values are learned at home.

As hard as it...I say DITTO!
I hope you can quickly and easily find a way to best help and support your son.
(My 16 yr old just found he needs a brace for scoliosis, but only at night, so far.)

sizzle74

Is My Fitness Pal your only resource for child rearing info? i would seek out people I am close to rather than strangers.

QFT.

rgohm

Is My Fitness Pal your only resource for child rearing info? i would seek out people I am close to rather than strangers.

Nope, not my only resource, I have plenty of people that I am close to that I can ask. I do not have any friends that have kids my kids ages, they all have kids ten and under. I also have my son's therapist that I can speak to. I am also not asking about child rearing info, just about whether or not I should calmly text his friend back that is all. Actually except for this "hiccup" I have done very well child-rearing and I will continue doing well long after he forgets about this friend. Why not ask a large group of people what they would do? I get a better perspective, you don't have to respond if you don't want to, and that is okay. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

jsiricos

Right there.. "He lied to me" My children know, the very worst thing they can do to me, is lie, anything else I can deal with, Lies, No.

But basic pyschology of a teen says, dont forbid him to see them. Let him see how they are, if you try to stop him, he'll push against you. In your house, at least you know where they are and what they are doing.

Don't give the girl the satisfaction of thinking she "got to you" just let it go.

Its all opposites with teens, if you like a friend, dont show it, if you dont like, dont show it, teens are contrary lil creatures

thatsillyshana

I never had a rebellious stage, but most of my friends did. You can't control her, but you can influence your son. Just talk to him about it and say something like, i know your friends don't like me much, but I just want you to know I'm always here for you. Good friends are hard to come by and maybe there kids just need some love and attention. Maybe you can be someone they confide in. Cutting is very serious and I don't think they do it for attention. I think she really just needs someone to talk to. Maybe your son can be a great influence on them.

Also, I think it's wonderful that you're so concerned!

twinketta

Maybe try to find out where the girl lives and go talk to her parents? Maybe they are having a hard time with her and would like to have some feedback from the parents of her friends?

It may not work out well, you would have to choose your words carefully. It depends what sort of parents the other kids have?

But I can tell you this my brother is in a really good job, his wife is a head teacher of a school. Their eldest son nearly 28yo was allowed to smoke weed in the house from being 14 in the hope `that if he did it at home then he wouldn`t get into trouble`

He has been nothing but trouble for them..I won`t go into all the problems he has caused..but he is now into stronger drugs.

Sometimes parents make silly mistakes in the hopes of being friends with their children and it goes wrong.

You can only do your best but IMO do not engage with a child in a war of words on FB it will all go wrong!!!

Texafornia23

1. Don't confront the teenage cr@ck Wh@#r. Can't turn out well.
2. Don't allow a problem in your home.
3. My observation is that under-parenting has more negative than over-parenting... that said, why go overboard in weither direction? You can make your expectations clear without being overbearing.
4. Definitely go to a professional and get some direction. I'm sure that me and my other posters here all have M.D. and PHd behind our names... but I'd check with a professional with references and a degree that you can see just to be on the safe side.
5. I'm glad you're worried, its a good sign... and good luck.

sizzle74

Is My Fitness Pal your only resource for child rearing info? i would seek out people I am close to rather than strangers.

Nope, not my only resource, I have plenty of people that I am close to that I can ask. I do not have any friends that have kids my kids ages, they all have kids ten and under. I also have my son's therapist that I can speak to. I am also not asking about child rearing info, just about whether or not I should calmly text his friend back that is all. Actually except for this "hiccup" I have done very well child-rearing and I will continue doing well long after he forgets about this friend. Why not ask a large group of people what they would do? I get a better perspective, you don't have to respond if you don't want to, and that is okay. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I'm kinda mad for you that you took the time to reply to that baboon.

rgohm

She knows you're reading them and is trying to get a rise out of you. Leave it alone, she's not your child.

Some other notes here: Children lie, just like adults. I really doubt any of your son's friends "sell their bodies" or even self harm. They probably don't even smoke pot, and if they do, don't get all worked up over it. Pot isn't addictive and doesn't raise any serious health risks, it just makes you stupid for a while. Moreover, most teens and young adults do it at some point and you'll have to accept that.

Adults don't inherently deserve respect from children, this is also something I wish more parents understood. When you treat young people without the same respect you'd give adults, they grow up treating others without real respect. Either that girl will grow out of it or she won't, but either way it's not your business. Let it go and let your son have his own autonomy in life.

while i agree with your fisrt line, and the line that kids lie, the rest i dont.

as a counsellor, i am shocked at how many kids at a very young age self harm and are addicted to weed. it MESSES with their brains, with their daily functioning and can have more serious repercussions down the line.

that said, to the OP, you have some understanding as to why your son wants to hang out with these kids - to be accepted, as we all so desperately want to be. get him involved in other activities, things that make him feel special. dont belittle him or his friends, rather BUILD HIM UP. and dont try and be friends or be the nice mom, he may actually be looking to you offer love and support as wel as boundaries.

all the best, you sound like a mom who really wants her son to be happy.

Thank you!! I do want the very best for him. His dad and I have always been very outspoken on how much we love him and how creative we think he is, which is why this is so hard to understand. I grew up in a house where I was not "built up" and so we make sure our kids know we think they are so wonderful. We would NEVER belittle him and as for any of my children's friends they have always been treated warmly. We are definitely not the "cool parents" but we are respectful and welcoming to their friends.

I am looking in to getting him joined in something outside of school. His therapist suggested it and I love the idea. Thanks again for your reply!

sizzle74

This really is a tough one. This age is very hard. I wouldn't engage her at all but I would talk to my son about it. She would not be allowed over and I would talk to him about her character. Also, I understand privacy is important, but even now at almost 18, if I want to dig through my step son's things because I am concerned, I will. I am glad we don't have to because he is pretty darn open and honest, but it is our right. I really wish I had some better advice to you but I think you will get some good non biased angles here and weigh them out and do what you feel is best. Good luck to you and your son!

rgohm

[/quote]
As hard as it...I say DITTO!
I hope you can quickly and easily find a way to best help and support your son.
(My 16 yr old just found he needs a brace for scoliosis, but only at night, so far.)
[/quote]

Thank you for your reply! I am so sorry about your son! I hope he only has to wear it at night. It is such a scary thing when your kids have something wrong with them and you can't fix it! I hate it! I wish all kids could be healthy and free of all diseases!