To confront or not to confront?

rgohm

This really is a tough one. This age is very hard. I wouldn't engage her at all but I would talk to my son about it. She would not be allowed over and I would talk to him about her character. Also, I understand privacy is important, but even now at almost 18, if I want to dig through my step son's things because I am concerned, I will. I am glad we don't have to because he is pretty darn open and honest, but it is our right. I really wish I had some better advice to you but I think you will get some good non biased angles here and weigh them out and do what you feel is best. Good luck to you and your son!

I think your advice is great and thank you. I told him I love him and if I have to move my bed into his room to make sure he is safe, I will. He is my responsibility and my child and I want him to live to see his 80's. I realize once he is eighteen there isn't much I can do about his choices but until that time I will keep him safe or die trying. I figure if I fail at raising my kids then I haven't succeeded in anything. It is my responsibility to raise productive members of society and I take that very seriously.

rgohm

1. Don't confront the teenage cr@ck Wh@#r. Can't turn out well.
2. Don't allow a problem in your home.
3. My observation is that under-parenting has more negative than over-parenting... that said, why go overboard in weither direction? You can make your expectations clear without being overbearing.
4. Definitely go to a professional and get some direction. I'm sure that me and my other posters here all have M.D. and PHd behind our names... but I'd check with a professional with references and a degree that you can see just to be on the safe side.
5. I'm glad you're worried, its a good sign... and good luck.

Thank you for your reply!

sizzle74

This really is a tough one. This age is very hard. I wouldn't engage her at all but I would talk to my son about it. She would not be allowed over and I would talk to him about her character. Also, I understand privacy is important, but even now at almost 18, if I want to dig through my step son's things because I am concerned, I will. I am glad we don't have to because he is pretty darn open and honest, but it is our right. I really wish I had some better advice to you but I think you will get some good non biased angles here and weigh them out and do what you feel is best. Good luck to you and your son!

I think your advice is great and thank you. I told him I love him and if I have to move my bed into his room to make sure he is safe, I will. He is my responsibility and my child and I want him to live to see his 80's. I realize once he is eighteen there isn't much I can do about his choices but until that time I will keep him safe or die trying. I figure if I fail at raising my kids then I haven't succeeded in anything. It is my responsibility to raise productive members of society and I take that very seriously.

If he is still under your roof at 18, you surely do! We don't have control over what our kids do when they are not physically with us, but we can surely try to instill our values/expectations and we do have some control of them at 18+ if they are still living with us and depending on us. I hate the numbers thing. Like at 1, I didn't front face the car seat.

rgohm

Right there.. "He lied to me" My children know, the very worst thing they can do to me, is lie, anything else I can deal with, Lies, No.

But basic pyschology of a teen says, dont forbid him to see them. Let him see how they are, if you try to stop him, he'll push against you. In your house, at least you know where they are and what they are doing.

Don't give the girl the satisfaction of thinking she "got to you" just let it go.

Its all opposites with teens, if you like a friend, dont show it, if you dont like, dont show it, teens are contrary lil creatures

^^^ EXACTLY, I hate being lied to, my mom lied all the time! Where does it get you? My stance is I would rather hear an ugly truth than a pretty lie! My son's therapist said the same thing, really really embrace her, maybe put curlers in my hair and walk around in my robe (with clothes on) and slippers when she is over and just act enthralled with her.Thank you for your reply.

kwest_4_fitness

She knows you're reading them and is trying to get a rise out of you. Leave it alone, she's not your child.

Some other notes here: Children lie, just like adults. I really doubt any of your son's friends "sell their bodies" or even self harm. They probably don't even smoke pot, and if they do, don't get all worked up over it. Pot isn't addictive and doesn't raise any serious health risks, it just makes you stupid for a while. Moreover, most teens and young adults do it at some point and you'll have to accept that.

Adults don't inherently deserve respect from children, this is also something I wish more parents understood. When you treat young people without the same respect you'd give adults, they grow up treating others without real respect. Either that girl will grow out of it or she won't, but either way it's not your business. Let it go and let your son have his own autonomy in life.

while i agree with your fisrt line, and the line that kids lie, the rest i dont.

as a counsellor, i am shocked at how many kids at a very young age self harm and are addicted to weed. it MESSES with their brains, with their daily functioning and can have more serious repercussions down the line.

that said, to the OP, you have some understanding as to why your son wants to hang out with these kids - to be accepted, as we all so desperately want to be. get him involved in other activities, things that make him feel special. dont belittle him or his friends, rather BUILD HIM UP. and dont try and be friends or be the nice mom, he may actually be looking to you offer love and support as wel as boundaries.

all the best, you sound like a mom who really wants her son to be happy.

Thank you!! I do want the very best for him. His dad and I have always been very outspoken on how much we love him and how creative we think he is, which is why this is so hard to understand. I grew up in a house where I was not "built up" and so we make sure our kids know we think they are so wonderful. We would NEVER belittle him and as for any of my children's friends they have always been treated warmly. We are definitely not the "cool parents" but we are respectful and welcoming to their friends.

I am looking in to getting him joined in something outside of school. His therapist suggested it and I love the idea. Thanks again for your reply!

I imagine his self-esteem takes a beating at school rather than at home. Unfortunately, no matter how special a parent tries to make their child feel, no matter how smart, talented, etc. you tell them they are, kids measure themselves by the the yardstick of their peers. So, your son has sought out those on the edges of the peer group to engage, those kids who have also been exiled because of their socioeconomic status, their looks, their behavior, or their abilities (or lack thereof). Kids on the fringes usually feel that because they don't "fit in" to society that they don't have to follow society's rules. Hence the dabbling in pot, pushing back at parents they feel are judging them, skipping school, etc. Your boy feels he doesn't fit the norm, so he's making his own niche with these other kids.

It can be a phase. Yes, it certainly can be. But sometimes the child fully adopts the outcast role and lives it to the fullest. The best thing you can do is exactly what you're doing. The girl is banned, your son knows how you feel and understands that the girl has twisted your words, and you're working with a therapist. Let your son know, as well, that a simple apology from the girl or even an acknowledgement that she misconstrued your words, would go a long way toward smoothing the way to forgiveness. This girl could likely be fighting her own demons and though you wouldn't want her to negatively influence your son, she may need someone who will not only provide boundaries, but will also provide forgiveness for a mistake.

obolton756

Don't get sucked in. It won't end well! Don't lower yourself to her level..

rgohm

This really is a tough one. This age is very hard. I wouldn't engage her at all but I would talk to my son about it. She would not be allowed over and I would talk to him about her character. Also, I understand privacy is important, but even now at almost 18, if I want to dig through my step son's things because I am concerned, I will. I am glad we don't have to because he is pretty darn open and honest, but it is our right. I really wish I had some better advice to you but I think you will get some good non biased angles here and weigh them out and do what you feel is best. Good luck to you and your son!

I think your advice is great and thank you. I told him I love him and if I have to move my bed into his room to make sure he is safe, I will. He is my responsibility and my child and I want him to live to see his 80's. I realize once he is eighteen there isn't much I can do about his choices but until that time I will keep him safe or die trying. I figure if I fail at raising my kids then I haven't succeeded in anything. It is my responsibility to raise productive members of society and I take that very seriously.

If he is still under your roof at 18, you surely do! We don't have control over what our kids do when they are not physically with us, but we can surely try to instill our values/expectations and we do have some control of them at 18+ if they are still living with us and depending on us. I hate the numbers thing. Like at 1, I didn't front face the car seat.

Yeah if he lives with us at 18 or older there will be respect or he won't be living here. I guess I meant more if he moves out at 18.

rgohm

Don't get sucked in. It won't end well! Don't lower yourself to her level..

Thank you, I have decided she isn't worth my time or concern. I am fortunate enough to have figured out what type of person she was before it trickled over too much to my son, thank goodness.