Should your spouse tell you when you need to loose weight?

Mikkimeow

When I met my fiance two years ago, he had just lost about sixty pounds. I was just starting college softball, and was in the best shape I had been in years, yet still in the overweight category. In the course of our relationship, he gained all of his weight back and I gained sixty myself. I am now nine months pregnant and working very hard to stay healthy before and after I have her. Throughout everything, we have struggled together to make healthy choices, and to keep our weights down. It was never him having to tell me I was fat or he was worried about my health, or me telling him. We both understood that we weren't happy with the way we looked. I believe that if he had said something to me about being less attractive or unhealthy, I would have been devastated. He is my rock. As much as I want the truth from him, I need compassion. The best way for us is to work on ourselves, and soon the other person joins in.

With that being said, I sometimes wish that when we had first moved in together we had focused more on eating and working out. We are both competitive sports orientated people, but exercise went on the back burner with our new exciting lives as a couple. Maybe it would have been better if he had just said, "Hey, honey, I think we should get back to being healthy again."

BCSMama

I agree that if anything is said at all, it needs to genuinely come from a place of support and concern. My husband has weight to loose and knows it. I think it would only hurt him if I were to point it out to him even though I do worry about his health. He supports my healthy lifestyle, which has opened up opportunities to talk about getting healthy in general. I know he wants to loose weight, but I just don't think he's ready to do what it takes fully. He does take baby steps though and I absolutely encourage him in those (going to the gym now and walking more and eating the healthy foods I prepare).

I respect my husband enough to realize that he knows he's overweight and knows what to do about it. He also knows that I will support him any way that I can. He's also smart enough to realize that being healthy and fit is important to me and I presume he knows I would prefer him to join me in being healthy and fit. So, to point it out bluntly would do nothing but hurt him.

sanalupe

no.
That's what the scale is for.

HollyHobbitToes

I think if my spouse was concerned about my health, he'd tell me....but he's always the first to say how beautiful and sexy I am at ANY weight....I actually prefer for him to tell me how he feels....I tell him all the time he needs to watch his weight...he's got an ever growing gut....but it isn't out of vanity....I am concerned for his health because his diet is atrocious and his dad just had 2 heart attacks! We eat the same meals at home but I can't control his snacking....so I ever gingerly tell him he needs to pay attention....but he weighs himself regularly, probably because I do as well, so he is always aware of when he is gaining or losing....

All that said, I have a friend who's boyfriend told her she needed to lose 50lbs because she was fat....total *kitten*....for him it was vanity....embarrassed of her weight....so types like him should keep their mouths shut lol

determined_erin

No, I think the person is well-aware of how he/she looks. It is a matter of the person being motivated on his/her own terms. Having a spouse nag about it or even nicely mention it usually comes off as offensive and hurtful.

baotzu

Of course it's ok to tell your spouse, just like it should be ok for your spouse to tell you. Honest, open communication is paramount.. even if the information conveyed isn't puppies and rainbows. People really need to not be so sensitive.

Heck, I'd be even madder at my gf if she didn't tell me I was getting fat.

Also OP,

lose*

FTFY

MochaMixAZ

Yep, I think they should. If it's an honest, open, and loving relationship... I'd HOPE he would say something. I don't find it dismissive, abusive, or even mean. But I'm also the person that WANTS you to tell me I have parsley in my teeth, or the pockets in my jeans make me look wide, or my hair is a mess. If we have baggage that piles on all kinds of hidden agendas or meanings to what can be honest observations... that's on US not them. If we pass judgement on the statement or ascribe feelings or personal worth to the sentiments... again, that's on you, not the person saying it. I'm also the minority that thinks "fat" can be used as an adjective and not a judgement. Saying someone is fat is only mean if you choose to view it as a negative. I'm fat. No secret there. Less fat than I used to be, but fat all the same.

Marraige is a partnership and a package deal. I expect our bodies to naturally change. However, if he loses interest in staying fit and making healthy decisions more often than not, that would change the dynamic of our relationship. I want my husband to be healthy and do everything he can to stay healthy (AND HOT). I have promised to do the same. I'm not saying an ultimatum should be given or a threat of "Lose weight or else," but a kind observation that I'm slacking off is always appreciated. It IS something I have control over, unlike a previous poster than mentioned dyslexia. I see the two things as completely unrelated... one is something you have control over, the other is not.

How I cook, how I move, how I feel plays a role in our relationship. Major shifts in any of those things could cause major shifts in our relationship. Some change is inevitable. Other changes you should WORK to avoid. I didn't marry a couch potato, 300 pound, avoids-exercise-at-all-costs, and loves fast food kinda guy. I don't wannt be married to one. If he adopts those behaviors, we're going to have a problem. And I WOULD say something. And I would do everything I can to help him get back to healthier choices. On the flipside, he can and should expect the same of me. As I said, it's a partnership.

Before we got engaged, I fully disclosed my weight history, my weight goals, and my lifestyle. I wanted fully informed consent. He needed to know where I've been and where I'm going... and some of the "crazy" he could expect along the way.

ashleymmannisto

We kind of came to the realization together. I told him, "Man I'm getting fat" then he goes, "me too!" So I was like we're both getting fat! So we decided to do it together. But before he had gotten fat he would say I'm feeling fat let's go to the gym....I know he wasn't, he was just getting me there Love that man. Now we just tell eachother we're fat. :S lol

Fat2Fit145

I was talking with with a friend and she mention that her husband told her she needs to drop a few pounds. At first she was offended but now she's working out and eating right. I personally think that he was well within his rights to express his opinions. I wasn't there when he said it so the delivery is key but a partner should be able to say something. What do you think?

I agree, ur spouse should.... while i know its a touchy subject for women especially, having ur spose tell u that may make u think he is insensitve and shallow... but DELIVERY is key as u said... how he said it and his intention is important.... and i think of it in this way, if it were ur best friend, would it be a big deal? i dont think so... and ur spouse is suppsed to be ur best friend and if not one of the closest. Once the intention was not to be rude, insensitve, and shallow...YES they should.

Cullinanmarti

Maybe putting it in a more positive light. For example, offer to work out together and get fit rather than just skinny.

fuzzieme

If they say "Lose weight fatass", then that's wrong. If they encourage lighter meals and exercise and that begins to work that's ideal. If they still don't try to lose weight say it a little less gently, and say it's more for their happiness and wellbeing because you love them no matter what they look like. If your partner is overweight and they ask your opinion and you don't encourage weightloss, you're in the wrong. You do that, they get bigger, it actually becomes a problem then but it's much more difficult to combat plus there is a chance or irreparable damage to their mental and physical health

Cullinanmarti

Or just realize you inserted your foot. Into your mouth. lol

runningfromzombies

My solution was to say, "Hey, I'm feeling heavier than I'd like to be, and we're going on a tropical vacation together in three months--wanna learn how to count calories and do the healthy food thing with me?"

He was on board. And of course, he's lost twice as much weight as me. :laugh: Men.

mesicali_chica

Yes... you should absolutely tell your partner or spouse to loose weight and be healthier. Your partner should be supportive, encourageing and help you meet your goals and vs. versa. Its a 2 way street. If he's/she is unhealthy tell them to change. I am on the otherside of the fence... my partner told me to loose weight, and yeah at first I was sensitive about it and took it very badly... I would argue and fight, with him becuase I didnt want to hear it. But I realized I was only sensitive becuase he was telling me a truth I didnt want to hear.

2 years, 112lbs and some oz. later and I am a better me. There are so many good reasons to loose weight that when I realized he wasn't trying to hurt me, he was trying to help me. My persective changed and we got closer as a couple. We work out together, meal plan together, we're more attracted to each other... its awesome. We have to let go of the emotions, and realize our spouses/partners arent trying to hurt us... they care for us, love us ... and want us to to live better, fuller, healthier lives. Thats my take.

montlucia

I'm not married but if I was, I'd want my husband to let me know if it seemed like I was gaining too much weight. It's one of those situations when really it's about how you put it across. I'd expect the guy to be supportive but not "too nice" either and definitely not labour the point.

Pink_Tina

For me, having my s/o tell me I need to lose weight is not incentive at all. It's the opposite. My first husband is the direct cause for the start of my weight gain so many years ago. I was 10 pounds heavier than when we met , but still classified as average weight for my height (5'4 130 when we met and 140 after) according to Air Force fitness tests and the BMI charts ( I was active duty). He had the nerve to tell his family I was getting fat behind my back. And then when I confronted him about it, his response was "don't you want to look good for me? Don't you want to look good on my arm when we go out?"

Because I knew he thought I was fat, my confidence level plummeted. I stopped wearing anything that showed skin and never took off more than I had to around him. I slowly started becoming a hermit. That marriage ended early. My current husband ( 10 years together) never tried to sway me even when he ended up losing over 70 pounds when he started running. When I finally decided to get off my butt, I asked him why he never tried to get me to workout with him. His answer was "because its something you have to decide for yourself."

Sweet_Innocence2011

I think every person is different when it comes to communication like this. It is good to have open but it needsi to be more than just that. Weight loss should never be because of someone else's view. Being able to communicate will help open the doors but won't make someone lose the weight. The chose will be the person's. Everyone is different on subjects like this. I find it is more than just communication that helps when with a spouse.

When I first started to lose weight I had to make two meals because my ex told me he didn't want to eat my crap. Without the support my effort to lose weight stopped because I was getting tired of the lack of support. It can hurt when someone says you have to lose weight but I find it hurts more when the person tells you to lose weight but is unhealthy themselves. Someone saying are you should you should eat that as they have a huge pizza.

I understand a spouse should be able to be honest about anything but with that honesty be prepared with a response. If there is going to be honesty like that I think than maybe there needs to be support with it.