What did the volcano say to the other volcano?
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One day a first mate noticed that before every battle his captain would ask him to fetch him his red shirt, and decided to ask why. So he says to the captain, "Sir, why is it you always wear a red shirt into battle?"
To which the captain replied, "Why, it is in case I get wounded in battle. Then my men won't see me bleeding and their moral will stay up."
The next battle came and the captain again asked the first mate to fetch the red shirt, and the first mate did so beaming with pride at his captain's brilliance.
However a week later the ship came face to face with an entire fleet. The captain wiped his brow, and turned to the first mate and said, "First mate! Bring me my brown pants!"
xD
Now, that's some funny *kitten*.0 -
My cousin was an incredibly tough man. He was a karate black belt who eventually joined the army. Sadly the first time he saluted he killed himself.0
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A guy had lived his entire life with a limp. His best friend kept trying to persuade him to go to the doctor, but being stubborn he argued against it. Finally he relented and was surprised that his limp was easily corrected by wearing some orthopedic shoes.
When his friend noticed, and said, "Why didn't you listen to me all these years?"
"Well", he said, "I stand corrected!"0 -
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he ain't coming no matter what you call him.0 -
Why did the orange go to doctor?
He wasn't peeling well.
*******
What was wrong with the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine?
It wooden go.
PLEASE NOTE: I have a whole ARRAY of "the man with no arms and no legs" jokes.0 -
my nerdy high school science teacher told me this one:
so a guy lost his eye when he was an active duty marine. when he returned to the US he had to purchase a new eye and couldn't afford the more realistic glass eye so he opted for the cheaper option- a wooden eye. He was a little self conscious about it and his friends eventually drug him to a club so he could meet some women. He felt like all the women would notice his eye so he decided to talk to a girl who also had flaws. He found a woman sitting at the bar and she had a large nose so he thought they were more on the same page. He goes over to her and asks her if she'd like to dance. She replies: "Oh, would I!" and stands up to dance with him. He gasps, covers his eye and shouts "BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!"
The version I heard had the woman as a hair lip. LOL0 -
bump0
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Tom was so shy he’d never had the courage to ask a girl out so his mate Jack decided to take him out on the town and get him laid. Halfway through the evening they were drinking in a nightclub when a girl at the other end of the bar winked at Tom.
“Hey, Jack,” he stuttered, “that girl over there winked at me.
What shall I do?”
“Wink back,” said Jack.
A little later she smiled at him.
“Hey, Jack, she’s smiling at me now.”
“Well, smile back,” said Jack.
A moment later he turned to his mate again and gasped,
“Jack, Jack, she’s just leant forward and shown me her BOOBS. What should I do?”
“Show her your nuts,” said Jack who was busy chatting up someone else.
So Tom turned to face the girl, crossed his eyes, put one finger in his ear, one finger up his nose and started screeching, KOO-KOO-KOO-KOO.....0 -
Say: Eye
Spell: Map
Say: Ness0 -
Volcano jokes magma so happy. :-) Think I'll bring a chem joke to the table -
Some helium floats into a bar. "We don't serve your kind here," shouts the barman. The helium doesn't react.0 -
Its Gonna Cost Ya!0 -
.What did the volcano say to the other volcano? I'm gonna blow my top.
What do you call a woman hanging between two boats? Annette
What do you call a woman standing between two buildings? Elaine
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a man holding a shovel? Doug
What do you call a man not holding a shovel? Douglas
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? 157, one to hold the light bulb and 156 to drink enough Guinness to make the room spin.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb must really want to change0 -
what did a boy centipede say to a girl centipede?
.
.
What a lovely pair of legs!
What a lovely pair of legs!
What a lovely pair of legs!
What a lovely pair of legs!
What a lovely pair of legs!
What a lovely pair of legs!
What a lovely pair of legs!
What a lovely pair of legs!
What a lovely pair of legs!
What a lovely pair of legs!
What a lovely pair of legs!0 -
why couldn't the pony sing?.......because he was a little hoarse. :blushing:
The first and only blonde MAN joke I've ever heard (warning: I am HORRIBLE at re-telling jokes):
Three construction workers sat together each day on the scaffolding high above their work site. There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head. One day, they were comparing what their wives had packed them for lunch. The brunette pulled out a burrito, and said "man I am so tired of eating burritos! If I get one more burrito in my lunch, I'm going to jump off of this building!" The red-head looked in his lunchbox and pulled out a hot dog. Groaning, he said "I am so tired of hot dogs! If that woman packs me another hot dog, I'm going to jump off of this building!" When the blonde reached into his lunchbox and saw a tuna fish sandwich, he groaned and repeated the other men's complaint, "if I get one more tuna fish sandwich, I am going to jump off of this building!"
The next day, the three men sat at lunch and each opened their lunch boxes. Seeing another burrito, the brunette jumped to his death. The red head followed after pulling out yet another hot dog. When the blonde opened his lunchbox and found a tuna fish sandwich, he jumped off and died with them.
Later, at the funeral, the men's wives met each other. The brunette's wife choked back tears and said "if only I had packed him something other than a burrito, he'd still be with me today." The red head's wife also cried, "if only I had listened and given him something other than that hot dog!" The blonde man's wife stood dry-eyed, "Well I can't say the same for my husband - he packed his own lunch!"
ba dum BUM! :laugh:0 -
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
Omg. I love this.0 -
I was expecting you blow, but that's cute0
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love that one! my daddy told it to me a long time agowhy couldn't the pony sing?.......because he was a little hoarse. :blushing:
The first and only blonde MAN joke I've ever heard (warning: I am HORRIBLE at re-telling jokes):
Three construction workers sat together each day on the scaffolding high above their work site. There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head. One day, they were comparing what their wives had packed them for lunch. The brunette pulled out a burrito, and said "man I am so tired of eating burritos! If I get one more burrito in my lunch, I'm going to jump off of this building!" The red-head looked in his lunchbox and pulled out a hot dog. Groaning, he said "I am so tired of hot dogs! If that woman packs me another hot dog, I'm going to jump off of this building!" When the blonde reached into his lunchbox and saw a tuna fish sandwich, he groaned and repeated the other men's complaint, "if I get one more tuna fish sandwich, I am going to jump off of this building!"
The next day, the three men sat at lunch and each opened their lunch boxes. Seeing another burrito, the brunette jumped to his death. The red head followed after pulling out yet another hot dog. When the blonde opened his lunchbox and found a tuna fish sandwich, he jumped off and died with them.
Later, at the funeral, the men's wives met each other. The brunette's wife choked back tears and said "if only I had packed him something other than a burrito, he'd still be with me today." The red head's wife also cried, "if only I had listened and given him something other than that hot dog!" The blonde man's wife stood dry-eyed, "Well I can't say the same for my husband - he packed his own lunch!"
ba dum BUM! :laugh:0 -
Whats ET short for?
Cause he's got little legs!!!!0 -
Ha! :laugh:Say: Eye
Spell: Map
Say: Ness0 -
in Sunday school, the teacher asks little Suzie, whom is sleeping,
"Suzie, who created the world?"
little Johnny behind her pokes her with his pencil She stands up, throws her hands on her desk and yells
"God Dammit!"
The teach, a bit shocked says,
"Very good Suzie."
Not knowing what happened, she goes back to sleep. The teacher calls on her again.
"Suzie, who is our lord and savior?"
Little Johnny pokes her again. She stands up, throws her hands on her desk and yells
"Jesus Christ!"
"Very good Suzie."
Not knowing what happened, she goes back to sleep. The teacher calls on her again.
"Suzie, what did Eve say to Adam after their 36th child?"
Johnny poker her again. She stands up, turns to face Johnny and yells,
"If you poke me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half!"0
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