Sad News

terrydba

My wife's sister passed last night after a long battle with brain cancer. She was just 40 and left behind a husband and 3 year old daughter. Tracking calories doesn't seem a very high priority at the moment. But these are times when convenient, high-fat, high-calorie food - and lots of it - descend on the family to "make things easier."

I've been back on MFP for just two weeks. I do extremely well during the week, I have weekends that look like weekends, and I've been right on target for an average of 2 lbs / week for 2 weeks. This is my second time trying this; stress and emotional and logistic challenges torpedoed it all last time around.

I'm not looking for a lot of "I'm so sorry for your loss" posts - I understand that. I would, however, like to hear how others may have gotten through similar circumstances without comforting-fooding your way through. My diaries are open to Pals. Thanks in advance.

==============

Wow! All the support is inspiring and very much appreciated!! It's odd - there's been so much time to prepare for this, and in the end things happened very quickly and peacefully. She had very good quality of life all the way to the last day. It is a tragic situation for the family. But believe it or not, I'm not so much worried about emotional eating per se. It's mostly that so much food that is simply pleasurable to eat is going to be so available in such huge quantities.

I very much like thinking about these foods as distractions and comforts, and that I can replace them with other distractions and comforts. I very much like the ideas about pre-preparing and pre-planning for myself. Nearly all of the extended family is here in town, and very supportive.

I've seen many posts about how positive this community is. Now I get it! Thanks everybody!!

jzammetti

Wow - I know you are seeking it, but I am sorry for your loss. That is hard!

As far as avoiding comfort foods, I suggest you pre-plan your foods and prepare them in advance if you will be away from home a lot. Focus on high fiber and protein and fats to keep you full longer and keep healthy snacks available like nuts, yogurts, protein bars.

binderde

Moderation is key, or try to stick to the veggie trays. Fruits. Emotional eating is probably one of the biggest issues for people especially when something of this nature occurs. The key is to keep yourself in line, if you slip make up for it by going for a walk or run, exercise helps with emotional stress as well. All in all just keep up with yourself, bumps are expected but it doesn't mean you have to go way off track.

Ready2Rock206

I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling. Some people find exercise to be a good escape or way to get some relief from the pain. Crank up the ipod and just go for it.

But seriously, don't be afraid to take some you time. If you slip a little in the calorie counting for a few weeks it is okay. This is a very difficult time. Give yourself time to grieve, have some comfort food if you want. But more than the food, just be there with your family and loved ones.

fourpairs

It is Sad, I lost a grand daughter to SIDS at 2 ;months. I did a lot of running. It is very difficult to eat and run at the same time. Train for a marathon to raise funds to find a cure. That way you can save yourself from food and save another familt from the pain you are going through. Good luck and if you need a friend you can alway hit me up - I will stand by you side!

hiyomi

Well first off sorry for your loss and your wife's loss
Second, I would think of it this way. Do you want to die early from diabetes or from a stroke because of high blood pressure? When you think of this, think of your wife and how you would want to live a long healthy life with her. That's basically how I think of things, sure I can eat all this food and it tastes soooo good, but don't you want to live a healthy life for your boyfriend and a family you are going to have later in life?

sissiluv

That's horrible, I'm sorry to hear it though I understand that's not what you're looking for right now.
When my uncle, who was probably as close to a grandfather as I ever got, passed away in 2009 I didn't have much of an opportunity to stop and mull it over, at least initially as my boss wouldn't let me take the day off work. It ended up helping actually, kept my mind distracted which is what I imagine food is, as a coping mechanism.

So yeah, keeping distracted and doing other things aside from eating to take your mind off things is the only thing I could really suggest, aside from grieving councilors. Keeping close to my family and friends helped a lot too.

If you haven't, I would suggest googling grieving coping strategies and seeing what they have to offer.

Mrder37

Keep you're chin up big man sorry for you're loss

YummyTpn

Hmmm, a tough one for sure, if there ever was one...

I DO have to give you and your wife my condolences, that is just plain sad.

However, I have found that when faced with trying times, having some sort of structure really helped. One way to keep structure in your life is to take care of yourself. That is, doing the best you can. I have always felt better when I track what I eat, even if I go over on the comfort foods. Letting yourself go and not taking care of yourself will only add to your grief, as it will be one more thing to feel bad about, to have to tackle. Plus, I don't know if you have children, but it's also a great example to set for them, that it is possible to stay in health in the midst of a tremendous loss.

All the best to you and your family.

MissyINGa

I totally understand emotional eating. I have a little boy than has chronic health issues and my life is full of stress. At times. I find myself shoving things in my mouth before I even realize it. The best advice I can give is to log your foods daily and allow yourself a cheat meal here and there. I still struggle with this. I love food and it makes me feel good but I acknowledge that I have a problem and try to keep it under control.
Good luck and please feel free to add me if you wish.

KEAVES13

My brother passed away from brain cancer at the age of 32, leaving behind a wife and a seven year old son and I know that it is not easy. I am so sorry for your loss. I went through (and still do go through) many emotions..ranging from sadness to anger to guilt..and I would have days (weeks) where I'd think, life is short and I'd eat anything and everything I wanted. I am just now (4 years later) trying to get my health back on track and realizing that I need to take care of myself to do everything in my power to be here as long as I can for my two girls. I know that nothing is guaranteed in life and I'm trying to make the most of it while trying to conquer my life long struggle with food. Good luck in your journey!

dmpizza

I treat any "special time" the same way I treat the holiday season.
Thanksgiving is ONE DAY, not a 4 day weekend.
Christmas is ONE DAY, not a whole month, etc.....
and limit the special eating to when you are with people in the same situation.

bpotts44

I have had to learn to seperate mentally my eating from my life. Not sure how to tell you to do it, other than logging the food and having targets has made it more scientfic to me.

RobinC37

My wife's sister passed last night after a long battle with brain cancer. She was just 40 and left behind a husband and 3 year old daughter. Tracking calories doesn't seem a very high priority at the moment. But these are times when convenient, high-fat, high-calorie food - and lots of it - descend on the family to "make things easier."

I've been back on MFP for just two weeks. I do extremely well during the week, I have weekends that look like weekends, and I've been right on target for an average of 2 lbs / week for 2 weeks. This is my second time trying this; stress and emotional and logistic challenges torpedoed it all last time around.

I'm not looking for a lot of "I'm so sorry for your loss" posts - I understand that. I would, however, like to how others may have gotten through similar circumstances without comforting-fooding your way through. My diaries are open to Pals. Thanks in advance.

I'm sorry for the pain your family is dealing with right now. I really admire you for wanting to stay on track when there is so much else to prioritize and I hope I can help you. As much as is possible, try to remember that food is a distraction. When we are putting calorie, sugar, and fat laden things in our mouths, we are giving our brains a few minutes off from the situation at hand. In high school I lost a lifelong friend and I tried to fix it with food. Now, I am experiencing a different type of loss (of a job). The only thing I find works now for distraction is working out til all I can think is "Breathe in, breathe out." If you have a workout routine, try to stick with it. Working out will help you fall asleep and get good sleep. It will also offset what you do eat. You will probably be getting lots of food from people who mean well. If you know someone will be dropping by, I don't think it would be out of place to mention that something healthy would be appreciated. If you feel out of place doing that, than ask if someone can stop at the store for some bagged salads. You can eat a large salad with a small portion of the unhealthier stuff on the side.

Don't let the food be another stressor for you. It's hard to see now, but remember that this is a temporary stage in your life. Things will slowly come back into your control and routines will be renormalized. It might set you back a little on your goal, but many things in the course of life will. As long as you haven't given up, then the journey isn't done. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you in this time and feel free to add me if you'd like.

rileamoyer

Damn Cancer, so sorry you are going through this. In 2010 I lost my daughter, brother and good friend all to cancer in less than 2 months. I used MFP and exercise to focus, focus. focus. It was a way for me to keep some control in my life, logging my food and exercise gave me that. God bless your family and grant you comfort.

housemamma

My father passed away unexpectedly a few years ago. I'm not that much of an emotional eater so exercise is what helped me the most. Walking and bike riding helped me by giving me quiet time with my grief. Sometimes I came home with tears on my face but I was working it out. Best rides were those with lots of hills so I could focus my anger on something. The rowing machine also helped for some strange reason.

So sorry for your loss.

ShunkyDave

I lost my mother to brain cancer. It doesn't ever go away, but it does feel better after a while. *hug*

Lesa_Sass

For me, getting through tough times like this with out doing damage to my body has been educating myself on the power of nutrition.

Everything we put in our mouth is either preventing disease or promoting it.

It always seems logical to me to pay homage to someone that has passed to a disease by fighting it.


You can take an online free class on nutrition here: https://class.coursera.org/nutrition-001/class

Sending positive thoughts and energy to your family and wife. My sister was diagnosed with cervical cancer this summer and the thought of losing her was more than I could take. Love and light to you.

Fatandfifty3

You both have my sympathy. When something like this comes along in life its like being hit by a tsunami. Eventually those waves of grief will subside and life I'm afraid will carry on as before. Right now your No.1. concern is your family and how this is affecting them. Maybe you can be the strong man and take over the cooking and planning of meals? By making a schedule of things that have to be done by when and by whom will help everyone get through this difficult time.
Good luck
(Widowed 10 yrs ago)

janalayn

My father passed away in May2010, 5 months after I started MFP, I also had thyroid surgery in 2010 and my MIL died March 2011 from the same cancer that killed my dad. It is easy to fall back into our bad habit of comforting ourselves with food but it doesn't really make us feel better. The best advice I can give is to feel your emotions. Cry when you need to. Allow others around you to cry when they need to. Embrace those emotions, feel them, and then use them to get where you really want to be.

So sorry for you loss.

lobster888

I know you have a tough road -- like many others said, exercise can help. It can help you refocus. Mainly it gave me something to do. May sound funny but it help alot. You are headed in the right direction with knowing that it would be easy to fall back into unhealthy habits...but you are trying to avoid that.

Good luck!

Geeky_Girl

I did a lot of running. It is very difficult to eat and run at the same time. Train for a marathon to raise funds to find a cure. That way you can save yourself from food and save another familt from the pain you are going through.

I am sorry for your loss; I understand the difficulty you're going through. I like what was said about running (or any activity; weights, elliptical, biking, swimming, writing, drawing, photography, etc.); find something to do that doesn't include eating, pre-plan your meals as best you can, and give yourself permission to be slightly off goal for a few weeks.

gailmelanie

Emotional pain is one that many of us seek to soothe with food. I agree with the others that vigorous physical activity is one of the better choices. If you go running or walking and choose a route that is isolated enough that you don't see too many people on it, you can grieve along the way, if that's what you feel like doing. You can pound the grief into the ground with your feet, relieving your body of it and increasing your strength, stamina and calorie-burning at the same time.

lawtechie

I was the opposite, couldn't eat enough. It is very easy to get wrapped up in the grief and push all/everyone else aside. Make sure you DO eat and with that, healthy food.

Walking helped, especially on pretty forest paths or along a serene river. Helps keep your mind clear, and offers good chance to talk with other family.

If you are an emotional eater and tend to heads towards the junk food, then try to keep it away as best possible.

palmerar

As you go through this tough time, maybe make some "healthy" comfort food for your wife and in-law family. While I'm sure there is a lot of food coming in to the family, you could maybe help contribute to or organize meals. By having a project you are going to be at least temporarily distracted from the grief, and it can be overwhelming to be in the middle of such sadness.

Look up some soup or roast recipes on cooking light. I'm sure your wife is still in shock, and even something so small can be really helpful. Remember to take it one day at a time, thoughts and prayers to you and yours.

DeeDeeLHF

So very sorry.

Try to mentally tell yourself that you do not deal with stress by eating but by exercising (or even just walking). Invite those who are suffering to walk with you, it will be good for them, too.

Offer to play with the daughter while others are eating. This keeps you away from the food and allows your sil some down time.

I love the idea of finding a marathon that is a cure for the cause.

Moderation! Eat a little of your aunts favorite potato salad, but not a full scoop. Think 1 TBS of many things and then load up on the veggies.

The best way for you to serve your wife and family is to remain in top form. Indulging in comfort foods and sweets will put you out of form, so eat as pure as possible, if not for yourself, but for them. Love can do all things!!

(hugs)

D

brendaj39

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom in August due to cancer, she battled it for 11 years and it spread everywheres...so very sorry to hear.

I go the other way, I shut down and don't eat, which isn't good either. I lost about 10lbs when my hubby was diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago, but when he was doing really good, I gained it back plus some because i wasn't thinking of working out or eating right as a priority, taking care of him was...so I gained over 40lbs...not cool!

Then I realized that life still needs to go on and I need to take of my self too..so I started again, (after 5 years)

I wish you well, and again, sorry..

5ftnFun

So sorry for you and your family & my prayers go out to you., I know this may be very hard to do but try to get everyone to think this way: you HAVE to eat well and take good care of yourself more than ever. Your body is under a great deal of stress from the sorrow & grief, it needs to be well nourished to make it through. It's no accident that people are more vulnerable to illness during difficult times. Nourish your body, sleep & rest, exercise (a walk every day will do) will help you physically.

Prayers for you & yours.

vim_n_vigor

I really am sorry for your loss. That takes a huge toll on you, your family, and extended family. I don't think every little thing in life that happens is a good reason to take a break from calorie counting, but extreme situations like this are times when I do think the added stress of this kind of life changing event (weight loss is), combined with the stress of a major life changing event like death of a loved one can be too overwhelming. I'd pick an amount of time - 3 days, 1 week, whatever you think makes sense given the services, visitation, extra help to the family, whatever events are happening during the time, and take those days as a break from calorie counting. That doesn't mean you have to eat everything in site, you can still be mindful of portion sizes and make some extra effort to get some fruits and veggies in along with the comfort food, and when your time is up to come back, you just do it.

HartJames

My nephew passed suddenly a few years ago and I know just what you mean. Much of the service planning fell to me and for about 10 days there was just no time and convinence was king. We went to diners a lot and ate omlettes, lots of coffee and fruit as it makes you feel full, kills sweet cravings and won't do you any damage long term. I didn't like quiet activities because whenever I had a moment to think, I was an emotional wreck so I kept music on and just tried to stay busy and occupied.

princesspamelatransformation

My heart goes out to you because I can honest relate to your pain and sorrow of losing a love one. When it happen to me with my fiancee, I posted (my private feelings for the first time) on facebook....looking and seeking answers. My church family and friends did help me to get through it. Being a emotional eater myself, it was hard not to fall into that pattern in stressful situations, I now recognize it....and you are ahead of me because you are more aware now and are seeing advice. Good Luck to You.