I dont fit in

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monkeyham13
monkeyham13 Posts: 2
in Chit-Chat
I've had social anxiety my entire life. It was the worst in middle school, but I'm in college now and I've gotten a lot better, but its still so frustrating. I try to keep positive about it, but i've been getting so discouraged lately. I feel like i'm going to battle this my entire life. Whenever I hang out with people I;m always the quiet one, and whenever its me and one other person theres so many awkward silences. I feel like I never have anything to say, and it makes me feel like i'm so boring. Why is it so easy for everyone else to hold a conversation, say funny things and be themselves. Going out feels like a chore most of the time, and I always feel drained after social situations. I blush so easily as well, and then people point it out and i just feel more awkward. I feel like I'm from another planet and I don't understand how to be a normal human. I also find it really hard to connect with people in college because I don't smoke, drink, or party. I just wish it wasn't so hard to overcome this
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  • Gallowmere1984
    Gallowmere1984 Posts: 6,626 Member
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    I learned to embrace it. My ways are definitely not for everyone, as my 'disorder' is a bit different than what you have described. I don't have anxiety, so much as I hate the presence of more than two people at a time. Why two? Hell if I know, but once that number is exceeded, I get increasingly pissy and aggressive.

    Again, what I have done may not work for you, or anyone else, but here it is:
    -I found a job that doesn't require me to interact with more than one person within a short time period.
    -I go to work, gym, home, and that's pretty much it, other than the occasional short venture to a store.
    -I discovered that I love video games, books, and knowledge in general. They all make VERY good replacements for people.
    -I was fortunate enough to find a woman who hates people as much as I do.
  • katnord
    katnord Posts: 44 Member
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    I am exactly the same way! First, realize that this kind of personality is ok. I was so relieved the first time someone actually told me introversion was an actual personality trait, and that I didn't have to be outgoing, verbose, or super social to actually "be myself." I would suggest reading "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain and looking for online articles that address adapting to social situations. When I was in college, I started treating conversations with people as "practice" it helped a little. That way, when I had a totally awkward encounter, it was easier to brush off and tell myself I would do better next time, i just needed more practice.

    I also found a career that does not involve a lot of interacting with people. I prefer staying home to going out, my idea of a great night is reading a good book and just being alone. If that is what you need, it is perfectly normal, and you don't have to drink or party or be around a lot of people to be happy. Plus, you'll do way better in college!

    I met my boyfriend online, so I was able to get to know him slowly and comfortably over a longer period of time before we met up in real life.

    Just because you feel like you don't fit in, doesn't mean there aren't people just like you out there. They are probably just home reading a good book and doing their homework.
  • Gallowmere1984
    Gallowmere1984 Posts: 6,626 Member
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    Just because you feel like you don't fit in, doesn't mean there aren't people just like you out there. They are probably just home reading a good book and doing their homework.

    LoL, this is basically what my mom said to me when I asked her why I couldn't find a woman like me when I was 16. "It's going to be hard for you to find a woman even remotely like you, because right now, she's doing the same **** you are. At home, playing video games and reading political history books, wondering why the hell there's no one like her around."
  • Manda86
    Manda86 Posts: 1,859 Member
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    I have social anxiety, too - it's hard for me to make connections with new people, but I find that if I put myself out there every once in a while, it pays off. Easier said than done, but it's worth the effort in most cases. I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel drained after social situations, maybe try to do things in places you are most comfortable. I know it's not easy, but you do have something to offer. Hang in there.
  • marinegirl92
    marinegirl92 Posts: 184 Member
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    Highly recommend this great book - Quiet: THe Power of Introverts by Susan Cain.

    My absolute favorite book last summer.

    WEll worth it read for ANYONE!
  • clydethecat
    clydethecat Posts: 1,094 Member
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    my husband and i are the same way. its a miracle we found each other. this is what worked for me, you have to learn to fake it. fake smile, fake being interested. ask questions about them. keep the conversation about them or topical topics. the more you listen, the more people like you. and you dont have to do this often. i only go out for family functions. every now and then we go out with my husbands very good friends he grew up with.

    its ok to be a homebody. its ok to be awkward. be ok with yourself.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
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    Welcome to being an introvert.

    I deal with it by either only hanging out with people I know very well, or just getting my socialization online. I am fine when talking about one of my interests or romantic stuff, but horrible at general small talk. Which is why I like chatty people.

    I also hate crowds and feel very uncomfortable in them unless I am with people I know so I can focus on other things.

    However, I have learned how to fake it well enough so as to not seem awkward.
  • thefatchic
    thefatchic Posts: 14 Member
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    I can completely sympathize with you. I have extreme anxiety paired with OCD. Even my very best friend who I have known for over 10 years still gets the repercussions of my anxiety. I feel so out of it and socially awkward. I often have no idea what to say and find myself repeating things.

    I wish I knew the answers to give both yourself and I. Stay brave my friend.
  • stealthSLOTH
    stealthSLOTH Posts: 695 Member
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    <3 Hang in there. I know that feeling well. You are very young and believe it or not eventually you meet people that you get along with, no matter how shy you are.

    Don't let people make you feel that it's not normal or not of value to be quiet or non-chatty. You are who you are! :flowerforyou:

    Oh, one last thing - not to state the obvious, but those conversations with strangers go better when you are comfortable with yourself.
  • Tisha247
    Tisha247 Posts: 849 Member
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    You know what, everyone feels like you do at times, just continue on and your confidence will grow. :smile:
  • ElyseL1
    ElyseL1 Posts: 504 Member
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    Rachel is that you? jk i have a good friend that is exactly the same way.We are in our late twenties now and she has gotten much better over the years. Not to long ago we were talking and i made a comment abt how happy i was that she was finally starting to really come out of her shell. I think its just something that happens over time. I used to be horribly shy but when i started working and was forced to socialize with ppl out of my normal group it went away. A good option is just finding a few good friends. quality over quantity i say.
  • Tonystoots
    Tonystoots Posts: 11 Member
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    Same here, I don't like crowds, I keep my opinions to myself unless asked directly. I don't really go anywhere other than home and work. I have very few friends (just my wife, who is my BFF). Some of this me, I don't really interact on the forums I belong to, just a comment here and there. I just have one friend on here (MFP) and there is very little interaction between us. I've been here since August I think. Even on FB, my friends are the ones that I play the stupid games with, no actual communication. It does get discouraging from time to time but I have come to accept it.
  • keepitcroosh
    keepitcroosh Posts: 301 Member
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    You know what, I'm the same way. But its strange because as I got older, I didn't want the other person thinking I am a boring person or that my anxiety was showing. Instead I began talking more to make it less awkward. This ended up working. I still feel major anxiety on the inside, but on the outside i'm smiling, laughing, and having a random conversation. Also a few years back I started working for a bank as a teller. Part of my job consists of developing relationships with my customers. Its been I think 3 years and even though I may be absolutely terrified of the person im serving, im still calm, collected and will have something to say to keep it not awkward. Just force yourself and be yourself!
  • katnord
    katnord Posts: 44 Member
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    It's also helped me to have some good go-to conversations for random social situations. On Mondays, ask people how their weekend went, on Fridays ask if they have any fun plans for the weekend. Whenever people ask me how I'm doing, I reply and talk about the weather. Such as "Good, loving the sun!" or "Good, ready for the rain to stop." It comes off better than saying "Fine" and avoiding eye contact... which is what I really want to do.
  • SammyKatt13
    SammyKatt13 Posts: 124 Member
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    omg... I love you all!!! this is how I have ALWAYS felt and NO one had ever made me feel okay about it!!!
  • taylorwaylor
    taylorwaylor Posts: 417 Member
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    You sound EXACTLY like me..... But i'm not in college yet... I often feel that not drinking and everything makes everything worse... I wish i could just be happy, loud, and talkative like everyone else... And i wish my face didnt turn red every time i talked to someone!
  • neva4saken
    neva4saken Posts: 300 Member
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    and here i am thinking i was the only one like this.. however i stopped caring a loooong time ago. Ironically you just found out just from replies on this post that you're not abnormal. I am the exact same way and married the exact opposite so i have the perfect balance in life lol. You have to be who you are, some of the most successful and brilliant people in history were the exact same way. The fact that you do not party, drink etc is another plus. Some do it and some don't there are two sides to everything. I've just learned to not judge anyone for their choices and live free and peaceful.

    PS you do fit in, you're just trying to fit in the wrong place :wink:
  • shaynak112
    shaynak112 Posts: 751 Member
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    I have social anxiety as well. I was seeing a therapist for a while and she has helped me quite a bit. It takes me FOREVER to become comfortable around people. I am fully comfortable around four people: my boyfriend, my sister, my mom, my dad. I don't have many "friends". The people that I'd consider friends are people who I see a couple times a month at parties. I do go out to parties a lot but I don't talk to many people there. I just go there for the music and to dance. I dislike it when people try to talk to me there, except a couple of my party friends. I have been at my work for over a year and a half. About a year into my job was when I finally got relatively comfortable talking to my coworkers. So frustrating!! I still suck at small talk ... to basically anyone except those four people.

    My therapist had me do a "thought record" where I would go through what made me scared and what was the "worst possible situation". Usually it was being embarrassed and then I realized that no one would even care if I embarrassed myself. I can't think of a certain situation. But try and get down to that root cause. You're scared you'll make a fool of yourself? Well really, who is going to care? It's not like you'll be made fun of (for the most part, adults don't really "make fun" of others - I know I was scared of this as a kid but it isn't an issue so much anymore).

    I'll see if I can respond more tomorrow or something :)
  • chubbygirl253
    chubbygirl253 Posts: 1,309 Member
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    My granny Jo always told me that "normal" is just a setting on your dryer. No one is normal, this world is just one big freak show. Most days I feel like a starring attraction. Other days I feel perfectly ordinary but then someone looks at me like I'm from the moon. Meh. You can't let it bother you, celebrate your individuality. My quirks make me interesting. Haven't you seen the threads where everyone confesses what makes them weird?

    As for your social anxiety, it sounds like you are an introvert. Have you tried googling ways to cope as an introvert in society? I can't share any tips from personal experience because I don't have a shy bone in my body, but I wish you luck.
  • trojanbb
    trojanbb Posts: 1,297 Member
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    You know what, I'm the same way. But its strange because as I got older, I didn't want the other person thinking I am a boring person or that my anxiety was showing. Instead I began talking more to make it less awkward. This ended up working. I still feel major anxiety on the inside, but on the outside i'm smiling, laughing, and having a random conversation. Also a few years back I started working for a bank as a teller. Part of my job consists of developing relationships with my customers. Its been I think 3 years and even though I may be absolutely terrified of the person im serving, im still calm, collected and will have something to say to keep it not awkward. Just force yourself and be yourself!

    this exactly. social anxiety can slowly be overcome. I used to be so much worse than I am now.

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