I dont fit in
monkeyham13
Posts: 2
in Chit-Chat
I've had social anxiety my entire life. It was the worst in middle school, but I'm in college now and I've gotten a lot better, but its still so frustrating. I try to keep positive about it, but i've been getting so discouraged lately. I feel like i'm going to battle this my entire life. Whenever I hang out with people I;m always the quiet one, and whenever its me and one other person theres so many awkward silences. I feel like I never have anything to say, and it makes me feel like i'm so boring. Why is it so easy for everyone else to hold a conversation, say funny things and be themselves. Going out feels like a chore most of the time, and I always feel drained after social situations. I blush so easily as well, and then people point it out and i just feel more awkward. I feel like I'm from another planet and I don't understand how to be a normal human. I also find it really hard to connect with people in college because I don't smoke, drink, or party. I just wish it wasn't so hard to overcome this
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I learned to embrace it. My ways are definitely not for everyone, as my 'disorder' is a bit different than what you have described. I don't have anxiety, so much as I hate the presence of more than two people at a time. Why two? Hell if I know, but once that number is exceeded, I get increasingly pissy and aggressive.
Again, what I have done may not work for you, or anyone else, but here it is:
-I found a job that doesn't require me to interact with more than one person within a short time period.
-I go to work, gym, home, and that's pretty much it, other than the occasional short venture to a store.
-I discovered that I love video games, books, and knowledge in general. They all make VERY good replacements for people.
-I was fortunate enough to find a woman who hates people as much as I do.0 -
I am exactly the same way! First, realize that this kind of personality is ok. I was so relieved the first time someone actually told me introversion was an actual personality trait, and that I didn't have to be outgoing, verbose, or super social to actually "be myself." I would suggest reading "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain and looking for online articles that address adapting to social situations. When I was in college, I started treating conversations with people as "practice" it helped a little. That way, when I had a totally awkward encounter, it was easier to brush off and tell myself I would do better next time, i just needed more practice.
I also found a career that does not involve a lot of interacting with people. I prefer staying home to going out, my idea of a great night is reading a good book and just being alone. If that is what you need, it is perfectly normal, and you don't have to drink or party or be around a lot of people to be happy. Plus, you'll do way better in college!
I met my boyfriend online, so I was able to get to know him slowly and comfortably over a longer period of time before we met up in real life.
Just because you feel like you don't fit in, doesn't mean there aren't people just like you out there. They are probably just home reading a good book and doing their homework.0 -
Just because you feel like you don't fit in, doesn't mean there aren't people just like you out there. They are probably just home reading a good book and doing their homework.
LoL, this is basically what my mom said to me when I asked her why I couldn't find a woman like me when I was 16. "It's going to be hard for you to find a woman even remotely like you, because right now, she's doing the same **** you are. At home, playing video games and reading political history books, wondering why the hell there's no one like her around."0 -
I have social anxiety, too - it's hard for me to make connections with new people, but I find that if I put myself out there every once in a while, it pays off. Easier said than done, but it's worth the effort in most cases. I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel drained after social situations, maybe try to do things in places you are most comfortable. I know it's not easy, but you do have something to offer. Hang in there.0
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Highly recommend this great book - Quiet: THe Power of Introverts by Susan Cain.
My absolute favorite book last summer.
WEll worth it read for ANYONE!0 -
my husband and i are the same way. its a miracle we found each other. this is what worked for me, you have to learn to fake it. fake smile, fake being interested. ask questions about them. keep the conversation about them or topical topics. the more you listen, the more people like you. and you dont have to do this often. i only go out for family functions. every now and then we go out with my husbands very good friends he grew up with.
its ok to be a homebody. its ok to be awkward. be ok with yourself.0 -
Welcome to being an introvert.
I deal with it by either only hanging out with people I know very well, or just getting my socialization online. I am fine when talking about one of my interests or romantic stuff, but horrible at general small talk. Which is why I like chatty people.
I also hate crowds and feel very uncomfortable in them unless I am with people I know so I can focus on other things.
However, I have learned how to fake it well enough so as to not seem awkward.0 -
I can completely sympathize with you. I have extreme anxiety paired with OCD. Even my very best friend who I have known for over 10 years still gets the repercussions of my anxiety. I feel so out of it and socially awkward. I often have no idea what to say and find myself repeating things.
I wish I knew the answers to give both yourself and I. Stay brave my friend.0 -
Hang in there. I know that feeling well. You are very young and believe it or not eventually you meet people that you get along with, no matter how shy you are.
Don't let people make you feel that it's not normal or not of value to be quiet or non-chatty. You are who you are! :flowerforyou:
Oh, one last thing - not to state the obvious, but those conversations with strangers go better when you are comfortable with yourself.0 -
You know what, everyone feels like you do at times, just continue on and your confidence will grow.
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Rachel is that you? jk i have a good friend that is exactly the same way.We are in our late twenties now and she has gotten much better over the years. Not to long ago we were talking and i made a comment abt how happy i was that she was finally starting to really come out of her shell. I think its just something that happens over time. I used to be horribly shy but when i started working and was forced to socialize with ppl out of my normal group it went away. A good option is just finding a few good friends. quality over quantity i say.0
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Same here, I don't like crowds, I keep my opinions to myself unless asked directly. I don't really go anywhere other than home and work. I have very few friends (just my wife, who is my BFF). Some of this me, I don't really interact on the forums I belong to, just a comment here and there. I just have one friend on here (MFP) and there is very little interaction between us. I've been here since August I think. Even on FB, my friends are the ones that I play the stupid games with, no actual communication. It does get discouraging from time to time but I have come to accept it.0
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You know what, I'm the same way. But its strange because as I got older, I didn't want the other person thinking I am a boring person or that my anxiety was showing. Instead I began talking more to make it less awkward. This ended up working. I still feel major anxiety on the inside, but on the outside i'm smiling, laughing, and having a random conversation. Also a few years back I started working for a bank as a teller. Part of my job consists of developing relationships with my customers. Its been I think 3 years and even though I may be absolutely terrified of the person im serving, im still calm, collected and will have something to say to keep it not awkward. Just force yourself and be yourself!0
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It's also helped me to have some good go-to conversations for random social situations. On Mondays, ask people how their weekend went, on Fridays ask if they have any fun plans for the weekend. Whenever people ask me how I'm doing, I reply and talk about the weather. Such as "Good, loving the sun!" or "Good, ready for the rain to stop." It comes off better than saying "Fine" and avoiding eye contact... which is what I really want to do.0
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omg... I love you all!!! this is how I have ALWAYS felt and NO one had ever made me feel okay about it!!!0
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You sound EXACTLY like me..... But i'm not in college yet... I often feel that not drinking and everything makes everything worse... I wish i could just be happy, loud, and talkative like everyone else... And i wish my face didnt turn red every time i talked to someone!0
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and here i am thinking i was the only one like this.. however i stopped caring a loooong time ago. Ironically you just found out just from replies on this post that you're not abnormal. I am the exact same way and married the exact opposite so i have the perfect balance in life lol. You have to be who you are, some of the most successful and brilliant people in history were the exact same way. The fact that you do not party, drink etc is another plus. Some do it and some don't there are two sides to everything. I've just learned to not judge anyone for their choices and live free and peaceful.
PS you do fit in, you're just trying to fit in the wrong place
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I have social anxiety as well. I was seeing a therapist for a while and she has helped me quite a bit. It takes me FOREVER to become comfortable around people. I am fully comfortable around four people: my boyfriend, my sister, my mom, my dad. I don't have many "friends". The people that I'd consider friends are people who I see a couple times a month at parties. I do go out to parties a lot but I don't talk to many people there. I just go there for the music and to dance. I dislike it when people try to talk to me there, except a couple of my party friends. I have been at my work for over a year and a half. About a year into my job was when I finally got relatively comfortable talking to my coworkers. So frustrating!! I still suck at small talk ... to basically anyone except those four people.
My therapist had me do a "thought record" where I would go through what made me scared and what was the "worst possible situation". Usually it was being embarrassed and then I realized that no one would even care if I embarrassed myself. I can't think of a certain situation. But try and get down to that root cause. You're scared you'll make a fool of yourself? Well really, who is going to care? It's not like you'll be made fun of (for the most part, adults don't really "make fun" of others - I know I was scared of this as a kid but it isn't an issue so much anymore).
I'll see if I can respond more tomorrow or something 0 -
My granny Jo always told me that "normal" is just a setting on your dryer. No one is normal, this world is just one big freak show. Most days I feel like a starring attraction. Other days I feel perfectly ordinary but then someone looks at me like I'm from the moon. Meh. You can't let it bother you, celebrate your individuality. My quirks make me interesting. Haven't you seen the threads where everyone confesses what makes them weird?
As for your social anxiety, it sounds like you are an introvert. Have you tried googling ways to cope as an introvert in society? I can't share any tips from personal experience because I don't have a shy bone in my body, but I wish you luck.0 -
You know what, I'm the same way. But its strange because as I got older, I didn't want the other person thinking I am a boring person or that my anxiety was showing. Instead I began talking more to make it less awkward. This ended up working. I still feel major anxiety on the inside, but on the outside i'm smiling, laughing, and having a random conversation. Also a few years back I started working for a bank as a teller. Part of my job consists of developing relationships with my customers. Its been I think 3 years and even though I may be absolutely terrified of the person im serving, im still calm, collected and will have something to say to keep it not awkward. Just force yourself and be yourself!
this exactly. social anxiety can slowly be overcome. I used to be so much worse than I am now.0 -
You aren't alone, if that's any consolation. At 43, I'm pretty sure I'll always struggle with it, but have learned ways to mask it. Most would not believe I do struggle. I started taking Improv to help with being able to think fast, and take on more gregarious characters, and treat work situations as "roles" - kind of a "fake it till you make it" thing. I still get very anxious about social situations, and tend to back out more than I'd like to admit. My coping mechanism for those is to find someone who's very comfortable in those situations and use them as my buffer to get into and out of conversations, etc.
Good luck - don't give up. Don't be someone else, but just find people who will appreciate your quiet side too.0 -
Highly recommend this great book - Quiet: THe Power of Introverts by Susan Cain.
My absolute favorite book last summer.
WEll worth it read for ANYONE!
This.
Also EMBRACE who you are. You don't have to be like anyone else. Be yourself. Embrace who your are and always look at yourself in a good light. You are unique, why in the hell would you want to be like anyone else? Did I also mention to be yourself?0 -
I suffer from this too unfortunately. I was so shy in high school that I spent lunch sitting in the office with the counselors because I was too scared to ask someone if I could sit with them. It has gotten better over the years. The only thing that improved it was working in customer service. I HAVE to talk to people now, so I do it and it has made social situations outside of work much better too. Get a job working with people, put yourself in a situation where you have no choice but to talk to people and eventually the more you do it, the easier it will get. The best thing to keep in mind is that everyone has insecurities, it isn't just you. The most seemingly confident person on the outside, could be shy too on the inside, they just force themselves to pretend. Fake it til you make it as they say.
ETA: Also, even though it has gotten better I believe I will always struggle with it. I am just naturally introverted. I prefer to watch people rather than participate all the time. I'm glad that I have gotten better because I don't think the way I was, was healthy and it was making me unhappy, but I accept and embrace that I am just introverted and a little shy and that's OK.0 -
You aren't alone, if that's any consolation. At 43, I'm pretty sure I'll always struggle with it, but have learned ways to mask it. Most would not believe I do struggle. I started taking Improv to help with being able to think fast, and take on more gregarious characters, and treat work situations as "roles" - kind of a "fake it till you make it" thing. I still get very anxious about social situations, and tend to back out more than I'd like to admit. My coping mechanism for those is to find someone who's very comfortable in those situations and use them as my buffer to get into and out of conversations, etc.
Good luck - don't give up. Don't be someone else, but just find people who will appreciate your quiet side too.
I swear I didn't read this before I typed my answer lol, its almost the same thing 0 -
so glad to hear there are others suffering with social anxiety too - I find it unbearable at times. It actually pisses me off more than anything and definitely makes me feel abnormal. I try so hard to overcome it but never works so I go the "avoidance" route - avoid any and all social situations - not good!0
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bump i'm the same as you but older i feel as if life just passes by me now no friends i don't do anything really if i'm talking to older people its easy but people my age or younger no way. i get so tongue tyied that gets me fustrated. my friends on here see the real me while the rest of the world gets the fake me shy not able to be myself alot of its self confidence which i have none. so your diffently not allown. ps i maybe on the out i don't like reading i go to sleep to fast0
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Don't get me wrong, I don't get anxious. Just uncomfortable.0
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Well looks like I am also part of the introvert club. My social anxiety has only increased over the years and it was directly proportional to my weight. I am so tired of being afraid to make eye contact and people thinking I am weird (i'm a really cool girl i promise i just need time to be able to show you) I have always been this way however in college i was definitely able to fake it much better than i can now. I am an adult and it is SO hard to meet people especially when you don't know how to talk to them. I just want the old me back where people actually enjoyed my company. Thank you for posting hope you are beginning to realize you are not alone!0
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Practice! I'm serious. Similar to when you're rehearsing what you're going to say in an interview or when you ask someone out. Read up on current events. The interests of your friends. Music and movies. Get well versed in the world so that you have things to readily pull from.
Watch his people behave in social settings. The way they lean in to talk. The nonverbal things. Those are also very important and even if you SAY nothing - learning these is important.
The more comfortable you are - the more confident you'll feel.0 -
Same here. I met my husband online because that is the only way I can talk openly and express myself. I am DESPERATE for friends but I can't stand socializing. Especially people I look up to, or that I am intimidated by. It's the worst and I must seem so rude to them. The long awkward silences, pretending I didn't hear people, no eye contact, it's horrible. I've always been like this. On a side note, there does seem to be certain kind of people that I'm not THAT scared to talk to. Like people I consider more in my league, older people, or other introverts. I hate this, but learning to live with it. I will definately check out the book!0
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