Getting dumped...

Serendipityunt

So maybe this isn't the place for motivational advice when it comes to break ups, but it's affecting my fitness goals. I essentially got "dumped" by my ex-boyfriend. We were considering getting back together, because we loved each other and hoped our new relationship would turn out differently from our last one. He called me to tell me every time he thought about getting back together, he got angry about all the fights we had, and how he felt he had given it his all and didn't think he had it in him to try again. He said he needed space. Since then, I've been having trouble getting through the day or sleeping through the night. It causes me to not want to eat because my stomach is really upset from the stress and heartache, and I want to throw up most things. I haven't had the energy to go to the gym (likely from feeling tired and not eating much). I did finally eat three whole meals yesterday, but tossed and turned all night. Sadly, I'm not a person who can't obsess over something like this, so friends telling me to just not think about it has never been an option for me. I guess there isn't much advice someone can give for something like this, but I hope to find my way back to getting healthy soon.

iLoveMyPitbull1225

Im sorry break ups suck. I know exactly how you feel. I obsess over things like that too and I know how physically and mentally draining it can be. Being sad and feeling low on your energy is normal. But time heals all wounds and I garuntee you that with some time, you will start feeling better. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family and get yourself out of the house doing something, anything, to get your mind in a different place.
I hope that helps a little. Good luck

mogzBH

You always have the option of talking to your doctor about this, perhaps some medication would help you relax while you work through this, or there are lots of charities the world over who offer support if you need someone to talk to. Do a quick google search to see if there's anything local to you that you can access.
And good luck, relationship break downs are always a hard time, take it easy and tru to look after yourself.

mytman

So maybe this isn't the place for motivational advice when it comes to break ups, but it's affecting my fitness goals. I essentially got "dumped" by my ex-boyfriend. We were considering getting back together, because we loved each other and hoped our new relationship would turn out differently from our last one. He called me to tell me every time he thought about getting back together, he got angry about all the fights we had, and how he felt he had given it his all and didn't think he had it in him to try again. He said he needed space. Since then, I've been having trouble getting through the day or sleeping through the night. It causes me to not want to eat because my stomach is really upset from the stress and heartache, and I want to throw up most things. I haven't had the energy to go to the gym (likely from feeling tired and not eating much). I did finally eat three whole meals yesterday, but tossed and turned all night. Sadly, I'm not a person who can't obsess over something like this, so friends telling me to just not think about it has never been an option for me. I guess there isn't much advice someone can give for something like this, but I hope to find my way back to getting healthy soon.

if you cant sleep then you can come on here and talk to us we will listen as we are family and your problems are our problems and we want to partner with you and help you through this and back on the health journey

DebraYvonne

Breakups do suck but I really do believe that when one door closes another one opens and that next door is ALWAYS better so anticipate that something new and exciting will happen for you. I ended a 26-yr marriage and it was very painful then had 2 relationships since and both ended but both ended up being best for me in the long run. I wish you the best. Try to focus on your health being strong and healthy.

XXXMinnieXXX

Sorry your struggling. Might be worth talking to the doctor by the sounds of It? Maybe you need a couple anxiety pills or some therapy? Be sure to surround yourself with good people. Indulge in things you love. For me that is walking and listening to music.

Try to get some calorie dense foods in you. Getting some food in will make you feel better. I know how hard it is when your so anxious. This is something I suffer with from time to time and it is very difficult.

I also try some self meditation by Paul Mckenna. Most of all I find it best to keep busy. Also might be worth getting a sleep aid from the chemist. When I'm like that, if I manage to get a good sleep things are miles better the next day.

Hope some of that helps!

Zara

janalayn

I have been there and it sucks but you have to realize that you are hurting yourself and wasting precious time on someone who no longers deserves your time or energy. Have yourself one good cry and then let it go. Life is short and you don't know what you might miss out on while you are obsessing about something that hasn't worked in the past and probably wouldn't have worked this time either.

I know this probably sounds harsh but I know that I wasted a lot of time being sad when my first marriage broke up ... now looking back years later I realize I should have thanked him for leaving me because my life without him is much better than it would have been with him.

Take a few months to take stock of what you learned from this relationship, what you really want from a new relationship and explore what YOU want out of life. Then start taking steps to get where you want to be. You will miss out on a lot of great scenery looking in the rearview at what used to be instead of looking for what could be.

Skiing914

I'm sure we can all relate and sympathize. The first thing I would say is, take a step back and take a good long look at the relationship you actually had. There is a reason or reasons why it didn't work out the first time. It may just be a good thing that he is walking away. If his heart isn't 100% in it, then be grateful he is telling you the truth. Second, get back to taking care of yourself. Get back to the gym because working out has a way of making you feel better and helps clear your mind. It may feel like the end of the world, but it isn't. You cannot put your whole life in someone else's hands like that. Take control, remember good times and move on. It's life and each experience, good and bad, prepares you for the next experience. Please pick yourself back up, go out and have some fun and take care of you!!

CharlieBarleyMom

Time will heal - that's a given - but the problem is right now.

Do yourself a favor and think about the things your ex told you he was thinking about - the fights, the stress, the times you could not make peace with each other. Think about those things and think about the resolution to those times and how you continued on in this relationship... now think about it from a healing person's perspective. Do you really want to go back to that? Do you think you can overcome those obstacles that caused the arguments in the first place? Do you think that your opinion, or his, has changed on any of those subjects? Do you think that you would have to be the one to "overcome" or "forget" or "shut up" about the past fights and the more-than-likely-future fights about these things?

What I'm saying is that you gave it a good shot... there are obviously things that the two of you do not see eye-to-eye about and they are not things that can be overcome easily... yes, maybe there is love between the two of you but love is not always enough to make it through real life.

Look yourself in the eye and talk to yourself about how much you love yourself and how much you deserve to be with someone who wants to try as hard as you do to make it work. When you find the right love, the obstacles become less like hurdles and more like speed bumps that just slow you down for a moment. You both work toward a resolution and it seems so easy.

Don't derail yourself here, in taking care of you, just because someone else doesn't want to spend time with you. You will find someone who wants to spend time with you - and you will be a better person at that time.

alpine1994

I've been there! It's horrible, I know, but it helps to keep focusing on the fact that someday, it won't hurt anymore. All you need is time. After I got dumped, I made sure to make plans for the whole weekend for like 5 weekends in a row. I knew I couldn't be alone to wallow. By the 6th weekend, I was exhausted (haha) and ready to just take it easy on my own and I was fine.

Another thing that helped: My mom told me that every time I picked up the phone to call him, call her instead. I did. She got many 3am hysterical phone calls, but she still picked up and listened. Do you have a close friend who you can lean on until you pick yourself back up?

I also started working out every day. It's pretty amazing how much endorphins can pull you out of sadness. I know it's hard to eat, but even just getting out for a walk will help a lot. It's actually a great time to be completely selfish and focus on YOU and only you. Do things that you want to do, watch movies that you want to watch, workout whenever you want, go places without having to tell anyone where you're going and when you'll be home. You're free lady! I know you don't want to be right now, but it really will get better, I promise. Take care.

RosscoBoscko

You always have the option of talking to your doctor about this, perhaps some medication would help you relax while you work through this, or there are lots of charities the world over who offer support if you need someone to talk to. Do a quick google search to see if there's anything local to you that you can access.
And good luck, relationship break downs are always a hard time, take it easy and tru to look after yourself.

I'm by no means a big one for taking medication, in fact I avoid it as much as I can including pain killers etc, but when my ex broke up with me, it brought a number of things like underlying depression and anxiety to a head, and once a couple of close friends had convinced me to see a doctor, it really did help in the end.

Despite being dead-set against it, I eventually agreed to take anti-depressants for a while, and they did help and now have felt fine to come off them again. Not sure if its possible with your doctor as UK/US health care is very different, but was also prescribed Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which was really helpful.

Vain_Witch

As a fellow obsesser, and as someone who has been through breakups and even a divorce, the only advice I can give you is what's worked for me:

Move your obsession elsewhere. Obsess over your exercise. Make new goals. For instance, I've always loved who I am on the inside, but I have issues with who I am on the outside...so my goal after the divorce was to get so hot that I really believed, inside AND out, that he was never going to find anyone better than me. Petty, yes...but also good motivation. :-D

Hiskhaleesi

I'm sure everyone on here can sympathize with you. When I broke up with my ex husband, I felt the way you do right now. I actually ate so little that I lost about 40 pounds in 2 months. I looked great and other men noticed! There are better men than one who is ok with breaking your heart.

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mzthiknez

Honestly... YOU will have to let your emotions run their course... u will think about it... you will Cry... you wont be able to sleep at times... but then reality sets in and u will soon learn and see that those things your doing arent helping you or going to change the outcome of the situation... Take the alone time you need... but be mindful when u get back to your health the stronger and sexier you will become!!!! and then you are open for YOUR PRINCE CHARMING to come and sweep you off your feet... In your situation... been there, done that... and trust me dear TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS.... So give yourself a DATE & TIME to be done going thru this break up pain... set that first goal for yourself... and be done with it... time isnt reconciled... and life is too short to be anything but healthy and happy :-) Add me... here if you need me!!!

tiffanyvc

Ugh, break ups!!! They're the worst!! I know it's impossible to see the bright side of anything right now, but remember that everything happens for a reason. It isn't working out with this guy, because there is a FANTASTIC guy waiting for you just around the corner. It may take you a little while to find him, but he's there.

What you described as your current eating/sleeping/living situation post break up describes me with one of my exes. The only thing that got me through that time was DISTRACTION. I would watch TV or movies whenever I had down time, because otherwise, my brain would go back to my ex and how lonely I was without him. I had two very supportive girl friends who lived nearby and they became my BEST friends during that time. They talked me through things and helped me to feel confident again on my own. Do you have someone that you can turn to? Someone to have meals with or go out with? It helps to know that you're not alone in the world and that people really do care about you.

Give yourself time, but try not to let yourself wallow. Push yourself, but give yourself time to heal and grieve. You need to be happy with yourself single before you can truly be ready for another relationship. You might not be ready to do your full fitness routine just yet because your body is being weakened by the stress. And you can't just make that stress go away immediately, you need to work through it. So focus on working through the stress, then your fitness plan will fall into place. You'll get there.

Iron_Duchess

I'm sorry you are going through something like that, having relationship troubles is never easy. Give your self time. The trouble sleeping, eating, and trowing up is normal and a "healthy" reaction to grieving the "death" of a relationship. I know many people will not agree with me, but the truth is that you are experiencing physical reactions to the pain inside and it is better to express your emotion so you can heal. Also I will like to encourage you not to give yourself in abandon to those emotions. Take care of yourself and look for ways to cope. I remember a time in my life that I went to something very similar, and I had to fight for my emotional and physical health. I took time for myself, (nail spas are great), I forced myself to eat at least a few bites (because I lost like 10lbs in a week), and went for walks that gave me the time to think and breath fresh air. You can do it, you will come out of this horrible experience stronger than ever and with wisdom that you will never had guess you could posses. *Hugs*

Controversial

I doubt there's anything we can tell you to make you feel better, but hanging around MFP and your RL friends might help, so I encourage you to keep logging and giving it your best. As we all know, heartache just takes a lot of time to heal.

During the worst pain of my life, I used heartbreak to motivate me to get in shape, lose a lot of weight, eat right instead of just what I wanted (since nothing had taste to me anyway, you probably get that right now, am I right?), spent all my spare time working out since I didn't want to leave the house anyway..... and 4 months later, I looked up and suddenly found not only a new me, but also I was over him! We met for one last dinner together. I got to see his jaw drop at my new appearance, and then I walked away from him forever. It was a great feeling, and I'll never forget it.

You might be at your worst right now. If so, then it only gets better from here.

BamBam125

He called me to tell me every time he thought about getting back together, he got angry about all the fights we had, and how he felt he had given it his all and didn't think he had it in him to try again. He said he needed space.

I say take this at face value. He sounds like a smart and honest man, at least emotionally--which probably explains why you are still interested in him some and having a hard time with being dumped. He's clearly communicated his concern and it sounds like a valid one to me. No matter who started the fights, fighting is a bad sign and he's probably wise to not want to get into it again if he doesn't have the emotional energy for it.

Give him space and focus on yourself instead.

What do you want out of a relationship? (Odds are it isn't more fighting.) How long do you estimate you'll need to recover from the break up? What can you do to care for and improve yourself in the mean time? Consider giving yourself a "moping deadline." It sounds weird but it might work. That is, say you plan to "grieve" for the lost relationship until, say, Friday at the end of the work day. And when you get to that deadline, try to do everything you can to NOT grieve. I'm not saying you need a hot date Friday night, but do something just for you. Go to the movies with your girlfriends, get a massage, do something that makes you feel worthy again. Then work on moving on from there--without him.

chrishgt4

Dude - don't see a doctor. You're not ill, you're upset over a break up. It's not something that is wrong with you.

Just push through it. It's awful - just the worst feeling ever - but it passes. I don't know if you've ever been through anything like that before, but if not then believe me - time heals. It's a cliché, but then it is a cliché for a reason - because it's true.

What helped me was getting out on the pull again - nothing like a few strangers to make you forget what was so special about an ex...

acm2789

I know it's cliche but time will help. I obsess a lot too so I know how hard it is to not think about it but eventually it won't be as big of a focus in your life anymore. I was with someone, on and off for a year and a half, and then I started going out again and he said he moved back, said he missed me and wanted to be "official"...a month later he "just couldn't do it" and it was over. Yeah, it was partially my fault for going back with him but it still hurt. Now he is with someone else and that hurts too. I'm not saying you're not gonna hurt and you're never going to think about it, but slowly you're life will get back to "normal". Talk to someone about it, think about why you guys didn't work out and remember that now you have time to focus and work on yourself and let someone better into your life.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe less so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
--Marilyn Monroe

RosscoBoscko

Dude - don't see a doctor. You're not ill, you're upset over a break up. It's not something that is wrong with you.

Really not helpful. She may well (and probably quite likely) not be ill, but that's why you go see a doctor then they can confirm either way.

As I said I avoid any medication if possible and avoid visiting doctors or dentists etc. But this may have brought out underlying depression issues as happened to me. It may not but the best way to determine this is see a doctor. Then can move forward in whichever path is best.

Most likely it is just heart break and will just take time to recover from but one quick chat with a doctor is hardly going to do any harm.

To the OP, good luck you'll get through it in the end.

lucindasun

WOW Serendipity,

What a wealth of good advice, seems like everyone can relate at least on some level, I am currently realizing that a relatioship I had a lot of hope for is not going to work out and although my partner is begging for another chance I realize that do-overs don't really work out. I'm gonna get strong and move on. Focus on me. I have been seperated for only a couple weeks and I too am not sleeping or eating, I've lost 8lbs so far and am trying to use that as a stepping stone to keep on losing but in a healthier way.

Good luck and log on and talk whenever you need to, you are not alone.

junejadesky

If you are having days that are really low and you can't seem to snap out of it. Try to start a gratitude journal. Basically write 5 things down thoughout the day that you are greatful for. This can be as simple as waking up while the sun was shining in or people around you. At the end of the day read your 5 items and see that you are finding joy throughout the day. Hold that in your heart and hopefully it can help to shift that energy.

That being said, allow yourself to mourn the loss of the relationship. It is a natural process.

Hang in there and you know where to go for support!!

leantool

dear OP
some 10 years back i went through all this,time really is the best healer and sometimes break-ups happen because there is a better person in the offing waiting for you.that said, try to go thru ' with routine,like going to your work, go to your gym or eat your food in a disciplined way . exercise induced endorphins will help you cope.
also when someone is really over you, make a clean break,sad but true, you owe that to your selfrespect.
God bless

Hbazzell

I know what you mean about being heartbroken and not wanting to eat. My diary has had some very slim days consecutively because I honestly couldnt even get out of bed I was so depressed/heartbroken. Eventually I just had to put one foot in front of the other. I forced myself to walk into the bathroom to get water, then down stairs to the couch, then eventually to the kitchen, where I sat on the floor. After an hour I had the motivation to eat something (and of course felt sick after, but forced myself to keep it down. After that you tell yourself, I can keep going. One foot in front of the other. Baby steps. You can't let anything ANYTHING ruin your life. Life is too short. You only get once chance to live.


Hugs.

Hbazzell

Also, when you get back on your feet physically, the book "It's called a breakup because it's broken" saved me from dwelling. It really helped me when I broke off my engagment 4 years ago.

AndreaMerrill

I have to just say at the time you don't think it's for the best - but usually it is. My ex and I "tried" to make it work several times and we actually got divorced once and re-married a few years later. We should not have. After our last and final split it was hard but I look back and it was not a good relationship at all.

I have now found the best person in the world and the difference is awesome! I didn't know what I was missing in a relationship before. This is how it should be with someone you truly love instead of someone you're trying to make it work with.

Time will heal my friend.

PRMinx

Time. It's the only thing that's going to heal the wound.

That said, there are things you can do to make yourself feel better. My last breakup was a doozy and I'm still smarting from it. BUT, I made a point to make good decisions in the wake of the breakup that have helped me feel better about myself. Make a list of things you wanted to accomplish but never did because you were busy with the relationship - and then start executing. It will give you something to focus on and, when all is said and done, you will have created something tangible for yourself, by yourself. It's empowering.

I don't know your medical history but it's normal to feel really upset after a breakup. I didn't eat normally for weeks. If you don't think you are physically sick, be careful with medications. They won't cure your breakup, they will just mask it for a time. Eventually, you will still need to deal with it.

I did, however, start seeing a therapist because I had been so screwed over I knew I would need help learning how to trust people again. I highly recommend seeing someone if you are open to it. I go every week and it helps me put things into perspective.

beckers_99

OP- I am dating a guy that I've been on and off with for over 3 yrs. now., actually was engaged to also. Unless those issues can be dealt with, they will continue, as mine did and have. And if one or the other doesn't see them or doesn't want to finally address them, its time to move on. I'm starting to realize why some things are better to be left alone, because when you open up that cut, as my mom says, even to clean it out, it still hurts and doesn't always heal right. Some of the fighting you had may not have even been from your relationship with him, it could be from something he's dealt with prior to you. After 3 yrs., I finally opened my eyes and studied the guy I'm dating enough to ask him, who broke your heart, before me? I asked him that because he'll pursue for about 2-3 months and then go cold, or back off. Guess all I can say is take it as a hidden blessing, focus on yourself at the moment and when you're ready, things will happen for you. I know that I only have the ability to change myself into a different (hopefully better) person now and its up to the other person to change/adjust themselves. Let me tell you from experience, if you don't deal with past issues, you are bound and determined to live through the same thing again, as I am now.

Hope you can heal soon enough and look at each day as a new day...I've decided to do that, wake up with a positive attitude and know that only you can dictate what makes you happy, sad, or whatever.... no one else has control over you or your emotions.

God Bless

gleechick609

So maybe this isn't the place for motivational advice when it comes to break ups, but it's affecting my fitness goals. I essentially got "dumped" by my ex-boyfriend. We were considering getting back together, because we loved each other and hoped our new relationship would turn out differently from our last one. He called me to tell me every time he thought about getting back together, he got angry about all the fights we had, and how he felt he had given it his all and didn't think he had it in him to try again. He said he needed space. Since then, I've been having trouble getting through the day or sleeping through the night. It causes me to not want to eat because my stomach is really upset from the stress and heartache, and I want to throw up most things. I haven't had the energy to go to the gym (likely from feeling tired and not eating much). I did finally eat three whole meals yesterday, but tossed and turned all night. Sadly, I'm not a person who can't obsess over something like this, so friends telling me to just not think about it has never been an option for me. I guess there isn't much advice someone can give for something like this, but I hope to find my way back to getting healthy soon.

I am so sorry OP. I have been there as well. I was engaged to a guy for 2 years and we were obviously oranges and apples (but not in the good way). In fact, the roles are reversed in my situation to yours (my ex is you, your ex is me) I broke it off the first time because of all the fighting we were doing. He begged for a second go and we got back together thinking a second time would be different. It wasn't. The fighting continued and it wasn't getting any better. Sometimes when you love someone, you just need to let them fly their own way. As Liz Phair sings, "Isn't this the best part of breaking up, finding someone else you can't get enough of? Someone who wants to be with you too. "

Learn from this and move forward for your future relationships. It will take weeks and maybe even months until you start to feel a little better but you will get there!