Vicious circle I call life

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Jmbean84
Jmbean84 Posts: 261 Member
in Chit-Chat
So here we are yet again, sitting on the same couches, "watching news" while he's on his iPad and I'm on mine, or folding laundry or doing dishes or whatever I can find to do to pass the time before I just decide to end it so I can do it all over again tomorrow. Completely ignoring each other because every time I talk he pretends to listen. Ugh! I can predict everyday of my life. And I keep asking myself, why do I keep doing this. I'm pretty sure I'm not happy and I have no clue how he feels because he has no interest in discussing any type of reality. 11 years, 3kids later. No ring.. Mentions it once in a great while, when he feels guilty that I don't have the same last name as our kids. He can't keep a job, always finds a reason why it's just not good enough. Why can't I just walk away? I'm only 28. There's a whole world out there that I have yet to see. So much I could learn. But.....I'm scared, confused, worried. Just totally lost. Any advice?? I have no one to talk to. He just gets angry or depressed when I try to talk to him. I need help!
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  • starvinkevin
    starvinkevin Posts: 331
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    You've become dependent on him because you fell for his superficial charm. Accept it or leave....
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
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    Any advice I give, while honest, is going to sound bad. So I will just say I am sorry that you are unhappy.
  • starvinkevin
    starvinkevin Posts: 331
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    The truth always hurts - but watcha gonnnna do about it...
    Any advice I give, while honest, is going to sound bad. So I will just say I am sorry that you are unhappy.
  • Jmbean84
    Jmbean84 Posts: 261 Member
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    Enlighten me, I'm bored.

    Any advice I give, while honest, is going to sound bad. So I will just say I am sorry that you are unhappy.
  • SwimFan1981
    SwimFan1981 Posts: 1,430 Member
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    This is really sad...I hope you find a way to make yourself happy x
  • starvinkevin
    starvinkevin Posts: 331
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    What you're experiencing is called MARRIAGE. It's normal - accept it. He hasn't yet hence no ring...
  • Jmbean84
    Jmbean84 Posts: 261 Member
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    I'm not married. And that's why I posted. I don't want to accept it. I don't want to live a miserable live of noncommunication but if he won't talk how the hell do I figure out what to do. I have no clue how he feels or what he wants.
  • starvinkevin
    starvinkevin Posts: 331
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    Yes you are but your husband doesn't want to be tied down officially with you but your relationship is a marriage. Boredom?3 kids? Sticking with a guy husband who can't provide all the time? That sounds like marriage to me.
  • starvinkevin
    starvinkevin Posts: 331
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    Just tell him you want it to be official or you're gonna leave... he's probably more dependent on you than you are on him - most guys are!
  • Jmbean84
    Jmbean84 Posts: 261 Member
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    He couldn't tie his shoe if I left! He literally does nothing but sit on the couch and complain about things he has no control over anyway and play angry birds. He's good to the kids, but I just don't know anymore.
    Just tell him you want it to be official or you're gonna leave... he's probably more dependent on you than you are on him - most guys are!
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
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    There really just isn't enough time tonight to type out what I have to say on my tablet. There is quite a bit to cover here.
  • Jmbean84
    Jmbean84 Posts: 261 Member
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    Btw, he's 13 years older than me.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
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    Gah!!
  • Goodbye_Thunder_Thighs
    Goodbye_Thunder_Thighs Posts: 91
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    My advice for you. Which I have only recently decided to take myself. Ask yourself some hard questions

    Is your relationship worth it?? Do you love him or is it just fear of the unknown that makes you stay?? Think about that question again?? When will enough be enough?? How much are you willing to put up with?? Are you happy?? How much should your children have to suffer with unhappy parents?? Is he willing to go to counselling?? Does he want things to get better?? Does he even think there is a problem?? What do you want out of the relationship?? What does he want?? Is he happy?? Does he know there is problem but doesn't know how to fix it??

    Think about these questions, don't rush into an answer. When you find the answer to these questions ask yourself another.

    If this was your daughter/son, what would you say to her/him???

    Marriage/relationship are hard, but for them to work both partners need to want it to work, both partners need to fight for it when it is in trouble. I have learnt that sometimes men get angry/depressed if they feel they can't take care of their family and then they take that attitude out of the ones they love the most. Sometimes they need that push. Without communication I'm afraid your relationship will fail.

    I hope this may help you some.
  • starvinkevin
    starvinkevin Posts: 331
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    Honestly you're probably gonna have to deal with it for the rest of your life unless you're willing to break up the family. My parents are like that with my mother making 10x as much as my dad throughout their marriage. What ended up happening is that she was the man of the house with my father being the homemaker - they fight a lot about money but my mom basically accepted her role and they've been going for almost 35 years now...
    Btw, he's 13 years older than me.
  • juliec33
    juliec33 Posts: 238 Member
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    Just tell him you want it to be official or you're gonna leave... he's probably more dependent on you than you are on him - most guys are!

    And what if he calls your bluff and buys that ring? Will that fix all of the unhappiness in the relationship. No it will just put a bandaid on it for a little while. Find a food counselor or minister in your area that knows how to ask the questions needed for you to truly figure out what's best for you.. Ask him to go to counseling with you........

    I've been in a pretty similar situation to yours. I'd love to be a shoulder for you to cry on.
  • Jmbean84
    Jmbean84 Posts: 261 Member
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    I want to go to school. But that's another issue. I don't think he could handle things here long enough for me to go to school to better my life, our lives. There's steps I have to take before I am able to attend any college and I have pnt the time or the money to take care of them. Another smudge in my vicious cycle.
  • The_Enginerd
    The_Enginerd Posts: 3,982 Member
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    Just break up...

    Running joke aside, you might be able to work out the communication issues with a counselor. Some guys really just hold stuff in. It could be be the typical communication difference between men and women or something more serious. It's hard to say for sure without knowing you.

    Him putting a ring on your finger isn't going to fix things. However, three kids and still a reluctance to get married is a troubling sign.

    Is he is doing homemaker duties since he isn't doing much in the work in work arena? If he is really doing nothing but sitting around all day and this has been an ongoing issue, just not him being depressed, than I think it's time to take a serious look at ending things. Someone who cannot hold down a job and who you need to support is a drag on you that I don't think he will fix.

    Best of luck to you.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,695 Member
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    Kids end up usually being like their parents. So how do you want your kids to be?

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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    Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • thoseblueeyes
    thoseblueeyes Posts: 812 Member
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    Sorry I am going to call it how I see it.... You need to get rid of him. I don't see you with him in 20 yrs do you ? Kick him to the curb....

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