Vicious circle I call life
So here we are yet again, sitting on the same couches, "watching news" while he's on his iPad and I'm on mine, or folding laundry or doing dishes or whatever I can find to do to pass the time before I just decide to end it so I can do it all over again tomorrow. Completely ignoring each other because every time I talk he pretends to listen. Ugh! I can predict everyday of my life. And I keep asking myself, why do I keep doing this. I'm pretty sure I'm not happy and I have no clue how he feels because he has no interest in discussing any type of reality. 11 years, 3kids later. No ring.. Mentions it once in a great while, when he feels guilty that I don't have the same last name as our kids. He can't keep a job, always finds a reason why it's just not good enough. Why can't I just walk away? I'm only 28. There's a whole world out there that I have yet to see. So much I could learn. But.....I'm scared, confused, worried. Just totally lost. Any advice?? I have no one to talk to. He just gets angry or depressed when I try to talk to him. I need help!
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You've become dependent on him because you fell for his superficial charm. Accept it or leave....0
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Any advice I give, while honest, is going to sound bad. So I will just say I am sorry that you are unhappy.0
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The truth always hurts - but watcha gonnnna do about it...Any advice I give, while honest, is going to sound bad. So I will just say I am sorry that you are unhappy.0
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Enlighten me, I'm bored.Any advice I give, while honest, is going to sound bad. So I will just say I am sorry that you are unhappy.0
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This is really sad...I hope you find a way to make yourself happy x0
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What you're experiencing is called MARRIAGE. It's normal - accept it. He hasn't yet hence no ring...0
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I'm not married. And that's why I posted. I don't want to accept it. I don't want to live a miserable live of noncommunication but if he won't talk how the hell do I figure out what to do. I have no clue how he feels or what he wants.0
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Yes you are but your husband doesn't want to be tied down officially with you but your relationship is a marriage. Boredom?3 kids? Sticking with a guy husband who can't provide all the time? That sounds like marriage to me.0
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Just tell him you want it to be official or you're gonna leave... he's probably more dependent on you than you are on him - most guys are!0
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He couldn't tie his shoe if I left! He literally does nothing but sit on the couch and complain about things he has no control over anyway and play angry birds. He's good to the kids, but I just don't know anymore.Just tell him you want it to be official or you're gonna leave... he's probably more dependent on you than you are on him - most guys are!0
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There really just isn't enough time tonight to type out what I have to say on my tablet. There is quite a bit to cover here.0
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Btw, he's 13 years older than me.0
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Gah!!0
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My advice for you. Which I have only recently decided to take myself. Ask yourself some hard questions
Is your relationship worth it?? Do you love him or is it just fear of the unknown that makes you stay?? Think about that question again?? When will enough be enough?? How much are you willing to put up with?? Are you happy?? How much should your children have to suffer with unhappy parents?? Is he willing to go to counselling?? Does he want things to get better?? Does he even think there is a problem?? What do you want out of the relationship?? What does he want?? Is he happy?? Does he know there is problem but doesn't know how to fix it??
Think about these questions, don't rush into an answer. When you find the answer to these questions ask yourself another.
If this was your daughter/son, what would you say to her/him???
Marriage/relationship are hard, but for them to work both partners need to want it to work, both partners need to fight for it when it is in trouble. I have learnt that sometimes men get angry/depressed if they feel they can't take care of their family and then they take that attitude out of the ones they love the most. Sometimes they need that push. Without communication I'm afraid your relationship will fail.
I hope this may help you some.0 -
Honestly you're probably gonna have to deal with it for the rest of your life unless you're willing to break up the family. My parents are like that with my mother making 10x as much as my dad throughout their marriage. What ended up happening is that she was the man of the house with my father being the homemaker - they fight a lot about money but my mom basically accepted her role and they've been going for almost 35 years now...Btw, he's 13 years older than me.0
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Just tell him you want it to be official or you're gonna leave... he's probably more dependent on you than you are on him - most guys are!
And what if he calls your bluff and buys that ring? Will that fix all of the unhappiness in the relationship. No it will just put a bandaid on it for a little while. Find a food counselor or minister in your area that knows how to ask the questions needed for you to truly figure out what's best for you.. Ask him to go to counseling with you........
I've been in a pretty similar situation to yours. I'd love to be a shoulder for you to cry on.0 -
I want to go to school. But that's another issue. I don't think he could handle things here long enough for me to go to school to better my life, our lives. There's steps I have to take before I am able to attend any college and I have pnt the time or the money to take care of them. Another smudge in my vicious cycle.0
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Just break up...
Running joke aside, you might be able to work out the communication issues with a counselor. Some guys really just hold stuff in. It could be be the typical communication difference between men and women or something more serious. It's hard to say for sure without knowing you.
Him putting a ring on your finger isn't going to fix things. However, three kids and still a reluctance to get married is a troubling sign.
Is he is doing homemaker duties since he isn't doing much in the work in work arena? If he is really doing nothing but sitting around all day and this has been an ongoing issue, just not him being depressed, than I think it's time to take a serious look at ending things. Someone who cannot hold down a job and who you need to support is a drag on you that I don't think he will fix.
Best of luck to you.0 -
Kids end up usually being like their parents. So how do you want your kids to be?
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Sorry I am going to call it how I see it.... You need to get rid of him. I don't see you with him in 20 yrs do you ? Kick him to the curb....0
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Breaking up a home with kids will not make it easier. It will bring in a whole new level of complication. For the sake of your children, please get some counseling. It is vital that you learn to re-connect if you're ever going to make a life for your children to model their own lives after. Please don't walk away without trying... your children deserve to have their mom and their dad all the time... not 50/50. I say this as a step-mom. Please. Try to fix it. You can't necessarily change him, but you can change you. Talk to him. Be bold. Ask him what he would like to see change... and consider what he says.
Edited because I sounded like a jerk. Sorry.0 -
He sounds like the kind of guy that would date a 17 year old when he's 30. I'm really sorry that you're having a hard time, and for the sake of you and your children I hope things improve. Things are so much more complicated when little ones are involved.0
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Get out while you can. You are beautiful and intellegent. Don't wait another minute. Take those kids and disapear. Good luck ,dump the loser.0
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Don't wait another minute. Take those kids and disapear.
This is a terrible piece of advice and a great way to lose custody of her kids - surely you're not really suggesting that she kidnap his children? Regardless of their issues as a couple, she said he's a good dad, he doesn't deserve to have his kids ripped away from him.0 -
"Do you love him or is it just fear of the unknown that makes you stay??"
^^^ This. Best question you will EVER answer for yourself (and you can swap a hell of a lot in place of "do you love him".
There's no advice I can give you for your situation, but I sincerely hope you discover the answer quickly and begin taking whatever steps are neccesary for you to be happy.0 -
I don't know what your education is or what job/income you have, but while you try to figure it all out be putting yourself in the best possible position to be able to make the decision not based on fear of not being able to take care of yourself and kids financially. Go to school, or work for that promotion, or go for that new job.
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I'm a bit confused by the OP. You're bored with what amounts to the normal nights of people that are married with kids. ...but one of your complaints is that you don't have a ring? How would jewelry make this better? If you're ready to bolt why add paperwork?
If you want to stay stop waiting for excitement to miraculously descend from the heavens and plan an interesting evening for the 2 of you. Or the 5 of you.0 -
I was in a relationship like this (minus kids) and honestly the best thing you can do if you're not happy is leave. That might be a little complicated with children, but you're both adults and honestly if you leave he'll have to talk to you about it eventually or else a judge will.
There's no point in just accepting that your life is miserable. He obviously doesn't respect you because he won't talk to you or marry you. My ex and I were married but he never had respect for me and basically treated me like a roommate rather than a wife. He also had a drinking problem, and while I never gave him an ultimatum, I gave him as many opportunities and blatant discussions as I could before I realized I was probably going to kill myself if I didn't leave. Please don't let yourself get in that position, it's not worth it.0 -
I'm a bit confused by the OP. You're bored with what amounts to the normal nights of people that are married with kids. ...but one of your complaints is that you don't have a ring? How would jewelry make this better? If you're ready to bolt why add paperwork?
If you want to stay stop waiting for excitement to miraculously descend from the heavens and plan an interesting evening for the 2 of you. Or the 5 of you.
or the one of you... seriously you don't need him to change for you to change your life. If he's doing nothing anyway leave the kids with him and go. do. something....0 -
i am really sorry you find yourself in this situation but honestly do you think a ring and a piece of paper is going to make it better, believe me i married for all the wrong reasons the first time, all it did was tie me to a man i didnt even like let alone love, all because i was stupid/unlucky enough to get pregnant, my ex mother in law hounded me to marry her son so her grandkid wouldnt be born out of wedlock, what can i say i was young and stupid.
could you maybe take a break from each other so you can both figure out what you both want, perhaps after spending some time apart he will open up and talk
good luck x0
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