Vicious circle I call life
Replies
-
I don't think advice from internet strangers will really help your situation. We can all tell you about our life experiences, or give you our opinion but at the end of the day, it's your reality, you live it every day. Talk to someone who knows you both, they will be able to give you better advice.0
-
YOu two need to go see a therapist. There is absolutely no communication and you guys are just together because it comfortable. If you are not happy freaking do something. Complaining about it is not going to help. How is a ring going to fix the issue? NOt sure what your meaning behind this is.0
-
I was in almost an identical situation (except with me, it was 5 years and 1 kid). He even proposed after 3 years and then felt it was okay to keep the engagement as long as possible so he wouldn't have to take the plunge. I didn't even want to get married but he convinced me and then never went through with it!
When our baby was born, things were different for a few months but then it went back to ignoring each other, him playing xbox, me on my iPad. Our baby was the only thing that kept us together, and then I realised I didn't want my child growing up in an unhappy home. I would rather she has two homes with single parents that are both happy about life. So, I tried again with him. We tried to make date nights but that didn't really work as he was never really interested. Again, he would convince me to do them and then moan about traffic and money, etc. He never wanted to get involved with my family, and we never had sex anymore. He never talked about his feelings, ever! Eventually I gave up, packed my bags and left.
And to be honest, we are so much more happier now. My daughter goes and visits with him on Wednesdays and every other weekend. She lives with me for the rest of the time. And she gets to experience so much more because of it. And she gets spoilt loads haha. It's been 7 months since we split up and we are so much better for it. We are still good friends, we keep in touch because of our daughter, we keep the topics strictly to her and studies though, I'm not sure I ever want to know what he gets up to with other women. And then when the time comes when and if we get serious about someone else, we will have a get together to meet up with them, seeing as that person would be spending a lot of time with my daughter. Other than that, we go about our separate lives.
It's not all fun and games though. Sometimes I get lonely, not so much anymore, every day I get stronger, but there are still days when I miss him immensely and wonder if I did the right thing. But then I think about how much my life and his life have changed and how we would make each other miserable again, some people just aren't compatible. It is difficult being a single mom, as it is difficult for him to be a single dad, I am lucky enough to have a good supportive family, and not to mention my daughter's dad is wonderful with her so someone will take her if I am having a particularly bad day which doesn't happen often, but it's nice to know it's there.
Sorry, turned into an essay. This is just how my life has turned out, I can't tell you what the right and wrong answer is though. It depends on you and him. I know how difficult it is to talk to a partner who doesn't pay any attention to you and who doesn't like talking to you either. What helped me was trying to see where I went wrong too. As much as we don't like to admit it, 90% of the time we are at fault just as much as our partners are. I know when I fell pregnant, I was so angry with the world because I had immense morning sickness (or all day sickness as they fail to tell you lol), I never went out because every smell made me sick, I didn't have sex with him, I went to bed as soon as I got back from work, and so he turned to the xbox to keep himself entertained. For some reason, he felt he couldn't go out and that he was being supportive by being at home with me (even if it meant that he was playing xbox in the lounge and we never spoke). Once I knew what I had done, I tried to make it right but I think we both left it too late. Communication is such a big key in a relationship and ours had none of it unfortunately. That was our major downfall.
Anyway, I hope that this helps you in some way. In my opinion, t is always best to try your absolute hardest to make a relationship work, especially when there are kids involved. But don't beat yourself up about it if it doesn't work out and don't feel like you need to be dependant on anyone. That's what I did and it broke my confidence down so bad. Even now I am struggling to get it back together.
Good luck with your decision, whatever you choose, and sorry again for the essay lol. x0 -
Btw, he's 13 years older than me.
you're 28, he's 41... face it, you got snookered. he's never going to marry you.0 -
One day a man was walking down the street on his way to work. As he walked down the street, there were dogs on just about every front porch and they all would bark as the man walked passed them. However, there was one dog that he remembered, because this dog was just sitting there and he was whimpering and whining and moaning, you know the little whimpering sounds dogs make when they are wounded or in some sort of pain. Well this particular dog was just sitting there on the front porch making those sounds.
The man was curious as to why this dog wasn't barking like the other dogs and why he was whimpering. He couldn't figure it out, so he just kept walking to work. The next day he was in the same situation where he was walking down the street and saw the dogs once again and this same dog that was moaning and groaning the other day was doing the same thing today and he just couldn't figure it out. Well, he walked past for an entire week and every day the dog would be there moaning and groaning. So, finally, the guy got fed up, he said "let me find out what's going on."
So he went and knocked on the door and a guy came out and said, "Yes, how may I help you?" He said, "Sir, is this your dog?" "Yes, that's my dog." "Well, what's wrong with him?" The owner of the dog said, "What do you mean?" "Well, he's been sitting here moaning and groaning, whimpering and whining for an entire week. The rest of the dogs are barking, your dog should be barking too, why is he moaning and groaning?"
The owner said, "Well, he's actually sitting on a nail." He said, "What! Your dog is sitting on a nail. Why doesn't he get off?" "Well, it just doesn't hurt him enough."0 -
Oh, and one more thing:
Life is not a cycle. It begins, it ends. What happens in between is yours to decide.0 -
This.I'm a bit confused by the OP. You're bored with what amounts to the normal nights of people that are married with kids. ...but one of your complaints is that you don't have a ring? How would jewelry make this better? If you're ready to bolt why add paperwork?
If you want to stay stop waiting for excitement to miraculously descend from the heavens and plan an interesting evening for the 2 of you. Or the 5 of you.0 -
So sad this is happening. Counseling for both of you (if he won't go, then you go). I have learned that we can change our behavior and our response to other's behavior and sometimes this is a catalyst to change in a relationship. All you can do is what you can do. Be honest, be bold (it's a family you are fighting for). If you really want to, go to.school. I did. I was married and we hit hard times. Had to rely on some help for a while, but I used it to push me forward. Now I am a nurse. my husband decided to get training for a more lucrative field. I have been to some of the places you are now. I chose to fight so that I could show both myself and my children that things could be better. if things don't change, you can then make the decision to move if needed with the knowledge that you have worked toward it. I believe in miracles. Will be praying for you all.0
-
It takes 2 to make a relationship work, simple .
If one isn't prepared to put the same effort in then its time to move on to someone who will
I hope he bucks his ideas up ,or you are brave enough to move on
which ever comes first you will be much happier0 -
Getting married isn't going to make anything better.0
-
I may have this entirely wrong, and in which case, I do apologise...
But I don't think she meant that the ring will solve everything, I think she was just trying to make a point that he hasn't committed to her yet, even after 11 years of being together and 3 kids.0 -
First, does he know you're unhappy? He may have no idea and would make an effort to change if he did.
For the kids' sake, get to a counselor, both individually and as a couple. See if things improve. If they do, give it some time to make sure the improvement sticks. If it does, then consider marriage.
If it doesn't improve, and stay improved, DON'T GET MARRIED. If you do get married, and in 5 years you're still miserable and supporting him and you decide to divorce, you may owe him alimony. Seriously. Right now, if you leave, you owe him nothing. And he will have to get a job to support himself and will be required to give you some of his earnings as child support.
So, you can:
1. Do nothing and be miserable and teach your kids that it's completely acceptable to be a freeloader or to be miserable.
2. Go to counseling and improve your relationship and show your kids what a healthy relationship looks like.
3. Go to counseling and leave anyway. Show your kids that you are responsible for your own happiness and you have a right to seek it.
Best of luck to you.0 -
It's not that i Think a piece of jewelry will fix anything. I could care less if we were married. I thought that would be obvious since we've been together for 11 years. I was just stating another one of his issues. It's not that I'm bored with the everyday life of a couple. It's that he doesn't want to do anything else, ever. He's got these issues that he thinks everyone dislikes him or is out to get him. So he doesn't like going around people. I'm not sure if he's just embarrassed about the age difference, but it's a tad late for that anyway. We never go anywhere as a couple. Ever. Ever. We never have date nights at home even though I have tried so many times. I don't know how to know if I'm still in love. I know I am scared of the unknown. And terrified of raising three boys on my own. I've never been on my own. I went from living with my parents to pregnant and living with him. How do I know if I'm still in love. Or if I even ever was???I'm a bit confused by the OP. You're bored with what amounts to the normal nights of people that are married with kids. ...but one of your complaints is that you don't have a ring? How would jewelry make this better? If you're ready to bolt why add paperwork?
If you want to stay stop waiting for excitement to miraculously descend from the heavens and plan an interesting evening for the 2 of you. Or the 5 of you.0 -
Breaking up a home with kids will not make it easier. It will bring in a whole new level of complication. For the sake of your children, please get some counseling. It is vital that you learn to re-connect if you're ever going to make a life for your children to model their own lives after. Please don't walk away without trying... your children deserve to have their mom and their dad all the time... not 50/50. I say this as a step-mom. Please. Try to fix it. You can't necessarily change him, but you can change you. Talk to him. Be bold. Ask him what he would like to see change... and consider what he says.
Edited because I sounded like a jerk. Sorry.
Sorry but breaking up a home with kids is sometimes the best option. I know too many people who stay together "for the sake of the children" and believe me if they would just end things and go their separate ways it would be a whole lot better. Living in a house where the parents don't communicate, don't like each other, fight all the time etc. etc is NO environment for children and it will only make them resent their parents for not splitting up at some point. Sometimes relationships just don't work out period no matter what one does to try and "salvage" it. It's a fact of life.
To the OP: This is not a dress rehearsal. You will NEVER get a second shot around at making things right or being happy. You have to do what's right for you. If you're afraid that this will be your life forever and you're miserable and unhappy then get out. Find someone who can make you happy and treat you right. Regardless of what some people might say it's NOT good for your children to be in a home like that. You need to sit down and just figure out what you want and whether or not you feel he's going to give it to you. If he's not "the one" so to speak then I think you know what your answer is. Yes, it's scary thinking about leaving and starting over but do you really want to be miserable your entire life? You're young yet and you have things that you want to do.
You really need to do some deep soul searching and figure out what's right for you and then do it regardless of what others might think or say about your choice because no one is living your life but you.
Good luck.
0 -
I would never, ever abandon my kids. Ever. And it saddens me to thnk I may have to take them away from their father. At least half the time.I'm a bit confused by the OP. You're bored with what amounts to the normal nights of people that are married with kids. ...but one of your complaints is that you don't have a ring? How would jewelry make this better? If you're ready to bolt why add paperwork?
If you want to stay stop waiting for excitement to miraculously descend from the heavens and plan an interesting evening for the 2 of you. Or the 5 of you.
or the one of you... seriously you don't need him to change for you to change your life. If he's doing nothing anyway leave the kids with him and go. do. something....0 -
ThisI may have this entirely wrong, and in which case, I do apologise...
But I don't think she meant that the ring will solve everything, I think she was just trying to make a point that he hasn't committed to her yet, even after 11 years of being together and 3 kids.0 -
SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION quote:
Get busy living, or get busy dying.
A choice is going to be made.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
My advice is don't seek advice from strangers on a message board.0
-
I've looked into counseling and it's not an option at this time. My family thinks my life is grand for the most part. My kids are happy. They don't know the issues. We rarely fight in front of them. I just really don't have anyone to talk to. Which I stated in my OP.My advice is don't seek advice from strangers on a message board.0
-
I'm not even sure what I'm looking to get from this post. I was upset last night and felt totally alone even though he was sitting two feet from me. He was watching some stupid movie on his ipad with his earbuds in and when I asked him to pause it because I wanted to talk, he told me to wait until it was over. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and cry.I've looked into counseling and it's not an option at this time. My family thinks my life is grand for the most part. My kids are happy. They don't know the issues. We rarely fight in front of them. I just really don't have anyone to talk to. Which I stated in my OP.My advice is don't seek advice from strangers on a message board.0
-
Any advice I give, while honest, is going to sound bad. So I will just say I am sorry that you are unhappy.
my same thoughts^^0 -
I'm not even sure what I'm looking to get from this post. I was upset last night and felt totally alone even though he was sitting two feet from me. He was watching some stupid movie on his ipad with his earbuds in and when I asked him to pause it because I wanted to talk, he told me to wait until it was over. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and cry.I've looked into counseling and it's not an option at this time. My family thinks my life is grand for the most part. My kids are happy. They don't know the issues. We rarely fight in front of them. I just really don't have anyone to talk to. Which I stated in my OP.My advice is don't seek advice from strangers on a message board.
My two bits is that you need to start doing something for yourself. School, job that you're interested in, hobby, something that is going to get you connected with other people and feeling better about yourself. If he comes along for the ride, great, if not, maybe start thinking about your future in a different light. Best of luck.0 -
I'm not married. And that's why I posted. I don't want to accept it. I don't want to live a miserable live of noncommunication but if he won't talk how the hell do I figure out what to do. I have no clue how he feels or what he wants.
If you were actually married, what would be different?
My suggestion would be to start doing what you want to in life and if he wants to participate he will. If not, well then you may be on your own. Speaking from experience, being on your own isn't so bad when compared to living with an apathetic person.0 -
Getting married wouldn't change anything. That's not what I was saying. I was pointing out that he has told me many times since the day I found out I was pregnant the first time, 9 years ago, that we need to get married soon. He has yet to commit to that promise.I'm not married. And that's why I posted. I don't want to accept it. I don't want to live a miserable live of noncommunication but if he won't talk how the hell do I figure out what to do. I have no clue how he feels or what he wants.
If you were actually married, what would be different?
My suggestion would be to start doing what you want to in life and if he wants to participate he will. If not, well then you may be on your own. Speaking from experience, being on your own isn't so bad when compared to living with an apathetic person.0 -
You know what? I was sad and upset when I originally posted this. I know I'm in a pretty screwed up situation and I know there is nothing any of you can do to change that. I know there is a lot that needs to be said between the two of us and the sooner the better. I need to do some major soul searching and sort things out in my head. I appreciate the replies I've gotten and thank you for the well wishes. I hope we can work this out not only for our kids but to prove tha the last 11 years of our lives hasn't been lost.0
-
I'm jumping in the middle of the conversation, so please forgive me if I'm repeating others.
If there isn't any abuse going on and there is even the slightest possibility that you can work things out with your boyfriend, do it. Especially with three shared children, it's your primary responsibility to make things work. That may mean outside help like a therapist or pastor. Relationships are not always easy, in fact they're often difficult. But as the old saying goes, you only get out what you put in.
Best of luck to you.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.7K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.3K Health and Weight Loss
- 176K Food and Nutrition
- 47.5K Recipes
- 232.6K Fitness and Exercise
- 431 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.6K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8.1K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.4K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.8K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 1.2K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions