Obese Friends Alienating Me

245

Replies

  • pilze0
    pilze0 Posts: 40 Member
    First of all, congrats on all your success!! I'm about halfway on my weight loss journey and I've already noticed some of the same things among my "fat" friends. I think it's because eating used to be such a big part of our time together... we'd sit and watch movies and eat pizza and fast food... and we had fun! But now that I'm eating better, I think they feel like I'm judging them (which I'm NOT) when I make better food choices and they aren't. It does feel just a little bit awkward going clothes shopping with them now that I can wear smaller sizes... I hope that whatever it was that clicked in my head can click in theirs too.

    I think like others said that they're insecure with their own bodies and they take out those fears and insecurities on someone who has gotten through them.
  • ericobrecht
    ericobrecht Posts: 7
    Misery loves company.

    Morbidly people are miserable; you are leaving their ranks, so you no longer fit in.
  • Skeebee
    Skeebee Posts: 740 Member
    I totally feel you. I'm still obese, technically, but my weight loss has shifted the attitude of a lot of people I know. I have both sides of the spectrum because people that normally wouldn't give me the time of day are all the sudden talking to me and taking me seriously. It's like....did I not matter when I was heavier? I was still a person then, too.

    As far as those examples you gave, I'm sorry it has come to that. But, take this into account (does NOT mean this is true but....just a theory...). I had the same thing happen years ago when I first lost my weight and, sadly, what it was is that the friends wanted to have heavier friends around them as a "confort" instead of a friend to make them feel better about themselves when they couldn't feel good about themselves alone. Misery loves company mentality...

    I agree with what was stated earlier. They are jealous of your awesomeness, are coming to the realization that they don't have someone to lean on to let them know their lifestyle is ok, and the ones that don't believe you did it are clearly ignorant and one-sided in their opinions. You say you haven't talked to them since? Good riddance. :drinker: count your blessing!!
  • TerriAnne53
    TerriAnne53 Posts: 197 Member
    People in your life come and go - your health is forever. You'll find new friends who like to take walks, hike, kayak, swim, whatever your new interests are.

    Their loss.

    I agree with this. you are important and you will find new friends that will be there for you.
  • Skeebee
    Skeebee Posts: 740 Member
    Misery loves company.

    Morbidly people are miserable; you are leaving their ranks, so you no longer fit in.

    great minds think alike! I just posted almost the same thing!
  • BeachGingerOnTheRocks
    BeachGingerOnTheRocks Posts: 3,927 Member
    This happens no matter what the change is you make in your life. Sometimes it is weight, and friends who identified you and felt comfortable with you while you were heavy will not feel the same way when you change. In other instances, it could be like an alcoholic who starts going to AA and changing his life. That person's drinking buddies won't be there for him anymore. Or a drug addict who cleans up his act. His drug addict friends won't be his friends anymore. Or someone who decides to go back to college, same thing, new life means some friends will resent your change or you will no longer have anything in common.

    It's very sad, particularly when we become attached and grow to love these people. But your changes, while healthy, are a glaring reflection of what they feel is their own inadequacies. Not all your friends will feel this way, but some will. I lost many friends over the years for life changes. You will miss them, but you'll make new friends. And you will keep the ones who like you for you, and not a number on the scale.
  • mcflat29
    mcflat29 Posts: 2,159 Member
    Sounds like there's a few things going on
    1. You're excited about your changes - GOOD FOR YOU!
    2. Your friends may be jealous - Normal
    3. A lot of misinformation about diet. exercise, etc, - sadly, normal. (I get this one a lot)
    4. Careful who you discuss your change with and around - sucks

    It's just like giving up cigarettes. Suddenly a new non-smoker feels amazing and starts talking about their success and realizing that anyone can do it. Meanwhile the smoker thinks that person is being preachy, forgetting where they came from, etc.
    I use smoking because I saw both sides first hand when my Aunt/Uncle gave up smoking and would seem to lecture my parents. When my parents finally did quit, they were careful not to mention anything besides "Nah, man, don't smoke anymore" to their smoking friends. And they're all still friends.

    Now, back to fitness. Sadly a lot of people believe there is some magical secret to weight loss and that it will happen overnight. If it does they cheer you on and beg to know the secret. When it's a slow process and you try to explain what you've done, they get discouraged. I've been on both sides of this battle, believe me. Now I only talk fitness with people who are traveling the path with me. My friend set has totally changed and my attitude is changing too. I'm more positive and motivational. And the more positive and motivational I get, the more my old friends start joining in. But really, they don't understand until they want to change for themselves. Leave a wake of positive waves and wait for others to get swept along!

    And, as for those "friends" suggesting you do drugs, give them a sly smile, wink and answer, "Sure, yes, it's drugs" then casually change the subject. They'll get the hint that you can't be knocked down eventually.
  • Ed98043
    Ed98043 Posts: 1,333 Member
    In your first example I can see how she might feel attacked. It depends on who brought the subject up, did she ask you for the information, etc...because launching into a lecture about the dangers of morbid obesity to an obese person is like someone pointing out to me that woman over there with curly hair looks like a poodle (had this happen to me once). She didn't point the finger at me specifically, but come on.

    However, I would think that true friends would be happy for their friend that lost weight. A little envious, sure, but I've got skinny friends and while I wish I looked more like them...at least I'm younger than them and always will be. Meow. lol
  • missjanetleigh
    missjanetleigh Posts: 149 Member
    You need a better class of friends, obese or not.

    They should be supportive of you if they are a genuine friend. They all know deep inside that what you are talking about is true, you are a reminder of what they should be doing.

    If they were comfortable in the fat than they wouldn't care. Your life is changing and you will meet new people as that happens and most definite it is a lifestyle change.

    Great job on your weight loss and keep coming here for supportive friends and find people to go places with that are supportive.
  • miss_rub
    miss_rub Posts: 8
    I never thought I was coming off as preachy, but I can see how even mentioning weight loss to someone struggling can cause an eternal struggle for someone with extremely low self esteem. But is a non emotional fact based conversation about nutrition to someone that asks about it, really being preachy? Because I never thought of it like that. I wonder sometimes why they even ask or bring up the topic, maybe they think there is a magic spell or something and I disappoint them with simplicity (well its simple to me), I dunno.

    It hurt to lose these friends. I am seeing though, that the new friends I am making like to do the things I now enjoy and look forward to doing. (outdoor adventure!) So I guess I have to say good luck to them and enjoy the new friendships I am making.

    I never guessed that a lifestyle change like being (more) healthy could affect your entire life! Things they don't tell you about weight loss.
  • missjanetleigh
    missjanetleigh Posts: 149 Member
    Misery loves company.

    Morbidly people are miserable; you are leaving their ranks, so you no longer fit in.

    great minds think alike! I just posted almost the same thing!

    Absolutely!
  • stargazer008
    stargazer008 Posts: 531
    Your "friends" are fools. You might as well find supportive friends.
  • Faded_Memories
    Faded_Memories Posts: 37
    I never thought I was coming off as preachy, but I can see how even mentioning weight loss to someone struggling can cause an eternal struggle for someone with extremely low self esteem. But is a non emotional fact based conversation about nutrition to someone that asks about it, really being preachy? Because I never thought of it like that. I wonder sometimes why they even ask or bring up the topic, maybe they think there is a magic spell or something and I disappoint them with simplicity (well its simple to me), I dunno.

    It hurt to lose these friends. I am seeing though, that the new friends I am making like to do the things I now enjoy and look forward to doing. (outdoor adventure!) So I guess I have to say good luck to them and enjoy the new friendships I am making.

    I never guessed that a lifestyle change like being (more) healthy could affect your entire life! Things they don't tell you about weight loss.

    Like I said, you probably don't intend to sound preachy...and you probably aren't! But for some overweight people (like myself), its an extremely emotional subject. I actually just read my previous post to you out loud to my boyfriend and burst into tears...also showing him an amazing, kind worded email that someone sent me regarding it. Crying in a good/frustrated/but still good way...because even though I am overweight...and it hurts my heart...I am still making this journey. I hope that you don't let your negative friends get you down...but...if they ever call out to you....please don't turn away from them. We need support...and we're afraid to ask sometimes.
  • TrailRunner61
    TrailRunner61 Posts: 2,505 Member
    Congratulations on having your hard work pay off!

    I learned early on that I couldnt discuss diet or health with 'those' people anymore, including family. Until they are ready to do it themselves, they don't want to hear it. It's sad but we can lose 'friends' when we lose weight, when they should be happy for us. The truth is, they don't want to put in the effort it takes or see us get attention from reaching our goals, while deep down, they want to do it but can't yet. They have to reach rock bottom, just like we did.
    I guess we figure out who our true friends are. Find some new ones, at the gym!
  • bookworm_847
    bookworm_847 Posts: 1,903 Member
    Sometimes people don't know how to handle it when someone close to them has success. What you're doing is great and it sounds like you've done an awesome job so far. Good luck the rest of the way to your goal. And don't forget who you're doing this for... YOU! If others can't be happy for or supportive of you, that's on them.
  • Faded_Memories
    Faded_Memories Posts: 37

    I think people seeing those close to them losing weight makes them very insecure. When everyone in your "circle" is obese, then everyone feels equal. When one person decides to get healthy, I think it makes their unhealthy choices much more obvious.

    I don't speak to any of the friends I had when I was overweight, sad.. but it was necessary. I wasn't going to listen to their criticisms, belittling or whatever. I would rather cut the ties - they are unhappy.

    This. Although I'm sad that your overweight friends were so mean. I would never do that to someone I know had worked so HARD to get into shape.
  • PunkyRachel
    PunkyRachel Posts: 1,959 Member
    I have had the same issue. I was the skinny one in my group of friends to begin with @ a size 20, now I'm a size 12 and I'm being told I make them look bad and to stop it. One of my obese friends completely stopped talking to me, now about 6 months later wants to be friends again *rolls eyes* It's kinda of a rocky friendship right now
  • miss_rub
    miss_rub Posts: 8
    Sounds like there's a few things going on
    1. You're excited about your changes - GOOD FOR YOU!
    2. Your friends may be jealous - Normal
    3. A lot of misinformation about diet. exercise, etc, - sadly, normal. (I get this one a lot)
    4. Careful who you discuss your change with and around - sucks

    It's just like giving up cigarettes. Suddenly a new non-smoker feels amazing and starts talking about their success and realizing that anyone can do it. Meanwhile the smoker thinks that person is being preachy, forgetting where they came from, etc.
    I use smoking because I saw both sides first hand when my Aunt/Uncle gave up smoking and would seem to lecture my parents. When my parents finally did quit, they were careful not to mention anything besides "Nah, man, don't smoke anymore" to their smoking friends. And they're all still friends.

    Now, back to fitness. Sadly a lot of people believe there is some magical secret to weight loss and that it will happen overnight. If it does they cheer you on and beg to know the secret. When it's a slow process and you try to explain what you've done, they get discouraged. I've been on both sides of this battle, believe me. Now I only talk fitness with people who are traveling the path with me. My friend set has totally changed and my attitude is changing too. I'm more positive and motivational. And the more positive and motivational I get, the more my old friends start joining in. But really, they don't understand until they want to change for themselves. Leave a wake of positive waves and wait for others to get swept along!

    And, as for those "friends" suggesting you do drugs, give them a sly smile, wink and answer, "Sure, yes, it's drugs" then casually change the subject. They'll get the hint that you can't be knocked down eventually.

    LOL I never thought to say that, I think I'll try that next time (hopefully it wont happen, but it would be hilarious if it does!)
  • carneson3
    carneson3 Posts: 33
    It's not jealousy it's a self esteem issue. People who are morbidly obese know they are...they know it is not good for them...they may think they don't deserve better or this is just going to be how it is. When you talk to someone who is morbidly obese about how one can get diabetes/other health issues that person is going to take it personal wether you mean it that way or not. Is it ideal...no, but it's just how it works. Maybe she thought you were hinting around for her.

    I kind of had a similar situation when I was bigger. I had a friend who got gastric bypass. She CONSTANTLY talked about how disgusting she was before surgery and how much she hated herself before surgery and how she wished she would have done it when she was younger. Because of low self esteem issues I took all of that and projected it on myself and just felt like crap. One day she was discussing how she didn't understand why none of her fat friends would take her fat clothes. They were nice! And then went back into how disgusting she was. She then asked me if I wanted her fat clothes. Again I projected all over myself! Yeah her disgusting fat clothes why wouldn't I want those?! She gave them to me and I quickly gave them to goodwill. Was it her fault...no, but it really made me feel like *kitten*.
  • fit4lifeUcan2
    fit4lifeUcan2 Posts: 1,458 Member
    I never thought I was coming off as preachy, but I can see how even mentioning weight loss to someone struggling can cause an eternal struggle for someone with extremely low self esteem. But is a non emotional fact based conversation about nutrition to someone that asks about it, really being preachy? Because I never thought of it like that. I wonder sometimes why they even ask or bring up the topic, maybe they think there is a magic spell or something and I disappoint them with simplicity (well its simple to me), I dunno.

    It hurt to lose these friends. I am seeing though, that the new friends I am making like to do the things I now enjoy and look forward to doing. (outdoor adventure!) So I guess I have to say good luck to them and enjoy the new friendships I am making.

    I never guessed that a lifestyle change like being (more) healthy could affect your entire life! Things they don't tell you about weight loss.

    They need a handbook for how to handle your friends when you've become successful in life and with your health.

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