Obese Friends Alienating Me

missjanetleigh

Misery loves company.

Morbidly people are miserable; you are leaving their ranks, so you no longer fit in.

great minds think alike! I just posted almost the same thing!

Absolutely!

stargazer008

Your "friends" are fools. You might as well find supportive friends.

Faded_Memories

I never thought I was coming off as preachy, but I can see how even mentioning weight loss to someone struggling can cause an eternal struggle for someone with extremely low self esteem. But is a non emotional fact based conversation about nutrition to someone that asks about it, really being preachy? Because I never thought of it like that. I wonder sometimes why they even ask or bring up the topic, maybe they think there is a magic spell or something and I disappoint them with simplicity (well its simple to me), I dunno.

It hurt to lose these friends. I am seeing though, that the new friends I am making like to do the things I now enjoy and look forward to doing. (outdoor adventure!) So I guess I have to say good luck to them and enjoy the new friendships I am making.

I never guessed that a lifestyle change like being (more) healthy could affect your entire life! Things they don't tell you about weight loss.

Like I said, you probably don't intend to sound preachy...and you probably aren't! But for some overweight people (like myself), its an extremely emotional subject. I actually just read my previous post to you out loud to my boyfriend and burst into tears...also showing him an amazing, kind worded email that someone sent me regarding it. Crying in a good/frustrated/but still good way...because even though I am overweight...and it hurts my heart...I am still making this journey. I hope that you don't let your negative friends get you down...but...if they ever call out to you....please don't turn away from them. We need support...and we're afraid to ask sometimes.

TrailRunner61

Congratulations on having your hard work pay off!

I learned early on that I couldnt discuss diet or health with 'those' people anymore, including family. Until they are ready to do it themselves, they don't want to hear it. It's sad but we can lose 'friends' when we lose weight, when they should be happy for us. The truth is, they don't want to put in the effort it takes or see us get attention from reaching our goals, while deep down, they want to do it but can't yet. They have to reach rock bottom, just like we did.
I guess we figure out who our true friends are. Find some new ones, at the gym!

bookworm_847

Sometimes people don't know how to handle it when someone close to them has success. What you're doing is great and it sounds like you've done an awesome job so far. Good luck the rest of the way to your goal. And don't forget who you're doing this for... YOU! If others can't be happy for or supportive of you, that's on them.

Faded_Memories

I think people seeing those close to them losing weight makes them very insecure. When everyone in your "circle" is obese, then everyone feels equal. When one person decides to get healthy, I think it makes their unhealthy choices much more obvious.

I don't speak to any of the friends I had when I was overweight, sad.. but it was necessary. I wasn't going to listen to their criticisms, belittling or whatever. I would rather cut the ties - they are unhappy.

This. Although I'm sad that your overweight friends were so mean. I would never do that to someone I know had worked so HARD to get into shape.

PunkyRachel

I have had the same issue. I was the skinny one in my group of friends to begin with @ a size 20, now I'm a size 12 and I'm being told I make them look bad and to stop it. One of my obese friends completely stopped talking to me, now about 6 months later wants to be friends again *rolls eyes* It's kinda of a rocky friendship right now

miss_rub

Sounds like there's a few things going on
1. You're excited about your changes - GOOD FOR YOU!
2. Your friends may be jealous - Normal
3. A lot of misinformation about diet. exercise, etc, - sadly, normal. (I get this one a lot)
4. Careful who you discuss your change with and around - sucks

It's just like giving up cigarettes. Suddenly a new non-smoker feels amazing and starts talking about their success and realizing that anyone can do it. Meanwhile the smoker thinks that person is being preachy, forgetting where they came from, etc.
I use smoking because I saw both sides first hand when my Aunt/Uncle gave up smoking and would seem to lecture my parents. When my parents finally did quit, they were careful not to mention anything besides "Nah, man, don't smoke anymore" to their smoking friends. And they're all still friends.

Now, back to fitness. Sadly a lot of people believe there is some magical secret to weight loss and that it will happen overnight. If it does they cheer you on and beg to know the secret. When it's a slow process and you try to explain what you've done, they get discouraged. I've been on both sides of this battle, believe me. Now I only talk fitness with people who are traveling the path with me. My friend set has totally changed and my attitude is changing too. I'm more positive and motivational. And the more positive and motivational I get, the more my old friends start joining in. But really, they don't understand until they want to change for themselves. Leave a wake of positive waves and wait for others to get swept along!

And, as for those "friends" suggesting you do drugs, give them a sly smile, wink and answer, "Sure, yes, it's drugs" then casually change the subject. They'll get the hint that you can't be knocked down eventually.

LOL I never thought to say that, I think I'll try that next time (hopefully it wont happen, but it would be hilarious if it does!)

carneson3

It's not jealousy it's a self esteem issue. People who are morbidly obese know they are...they know it is not good for them...they may think they don't deserve better or this is just going to be how it is. When you talk to someone who is morbidly obese about how one can get diabetes/other health issues that person is going to take it personal wether you mean it that way or not. Is it ideal...no, but it's just how it works. Maybe she thought you were hinting around for her.

I kind of had a similar situation when I was bigger. I had a friend who got gastric bypass. She CONSTANTLY talked about how disgusting she was before surgery and how much she hated herself before surgery and how she wished she would have done it when she was younger. Because of low self esteem issues I took all of that and projected it on myself and just felt like crap. One day she was discussing how she didn't understand why none of her fat friends would take her fat clothes. They were nice! And then went back into how disgusting she was. She then asked me if I wanted her fat clothes. Again I projected all over myself! Yeah her disgusting fat clothes why wouldn't I want those?! She gave them to me and I quickly gave them to goodwill. Was it her fault...no, but it really made me feel like *kitten*.

fit4lifeUcan2

I never thought I was coming off as preachy, but I can see how even mentioning weight loss to someone struggling can cause an eternal struggle for someone with extremely low self esteem. But is a non emotional fact based conversation about nutrition to someone that asks about it, really being preachy? Because I never thought of it like that. I wonder sometimes why they even ask or bring up the topic, maybe they think there is a magic spell or something and I disappoint them with simplicity (well its simple to me), I dunno.

It hurt to lose these friends. I am seeing though, that the new friends I am making like to do the things I now enjoy and look forward to doing. (outdoor adventure!) So I guess I have to say good luck to them and enjoy the new friendships I am making.

I never guessed that a lifestyle change like being (more) healthy could affect your entire life! Things they don't tell you about weight loss.

They need a handbook for how to handle your friends when you've become successful in life and with your health.

Micahroni84

I might be able to offer some input on this...and maybe you had the same feelings as a bigger girl, or maybe you didn't. If you didn't...you're lucky.

I'm a big girl obviously..and I've just begun my weight loss journey. But before I started....any talk about losing weight/exercise would make me feel extremely uncomfortable/ashamed/sad on the inside. Especially when thin girls talked about needing to lose a few pounds/go to the gym.

That is an issue with one's self, and you did nothing to affect it intentionally...but it does hurt the person to be reminded that they are over weight. Even though I am steadily losing weight right now, and feel great that I've been eating healthier/going to the gym, I still look in the mirror and think, " What do you have to be happy for. You're still a fatass."

So to see that someone who was about as big as they were...now put forth so much effort and lose weight...it probably makes them feel worse that they aren't putting forth the same effort, or perhaps they're happy/fine with their image and they don't want to be 'preached to', not that I'm saying you're preaching. Anyways, that's my opinion.

This, but no matter how they are feeling about themselves they should've never accused you of having an eating disorder or being a drug addict. There is no excuse for that behavior and it sounds like you need to make some new supportive friends.

Showmm

I agree with everything everyone has said. My only addition would be that if you talk about weight loss (or nutrition or what have you) and are worried about how someone might take it, make sure you reference it back to yourself, so there's no "threat" to anyone listening. That sounds ridiculous, as I think people should be a bit thicker skinned about these things, but that's me and not everyone else out there.

Talk about what you did and why YOU did it. "I was concerned at the weight I was, there was a good chance I could develop diabetes." Sounds a lot different to someone than, "Did you know, you have a 30% greater chance of developing diabetes* when you are obese? That's one of the reasons I wanted to lose weight." Same meaning, but one is only talking about you, the other can sound a bit in your face.

Or find a bunch of friends who aren't so quick to judge you or get upset and just enjoy sliding into a new life. Or a bit of both.



*(Percentage grabbed out of thin air as example, don't take it as gospel.)

iveyroze3

I also agree with most of the comments. I also am obese but am doing something about it finally. There is no magic bullet. We have to work for it and that's it.These people you talk about are not ready to let go of their obsession with food and thus lash out of you because you have strength and willpower and truly want to be healthier. They don't want to feel bad that they can't take charge of their life. In denial or intimidated. I'm not sure why people can't just be supportive. Probably just sick individuals who are hurting inside for whatever reason. I am happy I found this site,beacause it is so much harder to do it on your own, We have common goals on Myfitnesspal. HEALTH and WELLBEING. Being the best we can be. You sound like a awesome person. New friends can be had with an attitude like yours.

annemw82

The sad thing is your obese friends don't want you to lose weight. They want you to stay obese with them. Then they never have to address their weight issues. You losing weight shines a giant spotlight on the fact that they need to lose weight to and it sounds like it's making them very uncomfortable and subsequently turning them into a**holes. I had the same thing happen between me and someone I thought was my closest friend. But at the end of the day you just have to do what's best for you. Congrats on your success and keep it up!

77tes

The problem is YOUR SUCCESS IS PREACHING without you saying a word. So, they have to come up with excuses to dismiss that success.

RaeLB

I doubt they don't want you to lose weight or they are jealous. I think it is more of a feeling of being attacked for condemned.

Probably, their defenses are high because they are use to ridicule, whether that is directly or indirectly (ex. via the media), so they are projecting their insecurities onto you.

You can only control your own actions, not their reactions. The only thing you can really do is to be sensitive to their emotions. Perhaps, only talk about weight loss if they ask so you don't come across as elitist. You can also try to have a conversation about it so you can explain your intention and they can explain their perception. Unfortunately, some people will never let their defenses down and will always feel like they're being attacked. There is nothing you can do about that.

sunsnstatheart

People in your life come and go - your health is forever. You'll find new friends who like to take walks, hike, kayak, swim, whatever your new interests are.

Their loss.

Yes please do! Find those who are climbing towards success and will bring you with them. Not drag you down.

^^ Agreed. That's part of why this is truly a life style change.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

I find that it's best not to talk about weight loss in terms of health. The science there is still very new and changing frequently. No matter what your intentions, you'll always sound kind of like a jerk if you talk about weight loss/weight management in terms of health/unhealthy. Many factors figure into health -- not just weight. I usually just talk about how I feel when people ask me about losing weight. I am able to do more physically --- and that feels good.

Recent studies seem to suggest that being overweight or grade 1 obesity isn't as detrimental as previously thought (http://jama.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=1555137) and that BMI isn't independently linked to diabetes (http://jama.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=1360863). It might be hard to digest that info because it seems contrary to logic/reality -- but I suspect that's how the people you were talking to (at least in example 1) was feeling. She might feel good, she might be in perfectly good health, so what you said to her directly contradicts her personal experience and it annoyed her. I can understand that you weren't trying to do that, but weight is a deeply personal topic and people are very sensitive about it. And you can't just justify it with science because it might not back you.

As far as references to drug use, I think those people are just toxic. They'd probably be making snide comments no matter what the topic, so avoiding the, as best you can might be the best way to go.

Amazigh926

One thing that I have learned about losing weight, so far (I have lost 70 lbs and have 70 more to go) is that it is a COMPLETE change of your life! COMPLETE! It is not only about losing weight, it is about every aspect of your life changing and most people are unaware and unwilling to change every aspect of their lives for anything or anyone, even most importantly, themselves. Let's face it, change is scary, but some of us have the cojones to just do it and most don't, they are comfortable in their miserable lives and want others to stay miserable right along wth them. I have never felt so alienated from people than I do now, but I have friends at the gym where I go and I find support, here, on MFP with others like you-- even though you may not know it, you are empowering to me because I see a little bit (or a lot) of myself in others who post here. Stay strong and stay on course, people will say what they will (even my family taunts and insults me) but f*** 'em all. To all things there is a season and it has ended for some people being in your/my life. Mourn the loss and move forward to bigger and better things (and people).

KJFairywings

I totally agree that misery loves company and so now since you are not one of them they are jealous and intimidated. People have small minds.... you have to learn that you come first and you that you can't help anyone else unless they want it... I have had it happen to me that even when I don't think I am "offering advice" there are certain people who get offended or angry and just don't want to hear it. I try to judge whether people TRULY want my opinion but it doesnt only work.
Just hang in there and know that you are making the best choices for you.... Hugs!!

OddballExtreme

I didn't have that many friends growing up because I was intelligent. I have had a good amount of friends no matter how much I weighed. When I started losing the weight, I actually didn't lose any of my friends because they all knew I had Type 2 Diabetes and wanted to take care of myself.

Of course, there was the one co-worker last year who tried tempting me with a doughnut, saying it was "21 calories, not 21 carbs." I didn't fall for it. All of them, and my family, have been very supportive of my weight-loss efforts.

I was in the "obese" area, but thankfully never made it to the "morbidly obese" department. I knew I had to lose the weight when I got diagnosed with the diabetes last year. I always worry someone wants me to get off the wagon and gain it back. As long as I don't let them get to me and I continue doing what I'm doing, I'll NEVER go back to being the bigger woman I had been.

Don't worry about what everyone else thinks of you. The only person you need to think about here is you. You made the decision to change your life, and you should be proud of it. If those so-called friends are still ridiculing you, it's time you had new friends. Just MHO.

JUDDDing

I try not to talk about changes that I'm making (except to my wife - but she signed on to listen to my nonsense.) If the topic comes up - I keep the answers short.

With any changes people make - while they might be really excited and want to share their thoughts, theories, feelings, good or bad, it can be annoying to the people that get this inflicted on them.

I'm not saying that you are necessarily doing this - but it's really common in my experience and the people doing it are often not completely aware of doing it. (weight loss, workout plans, divorce(!), medical issues, etc.)

If people are interested in talking about a topic - they will tend to ask probing questions. My advice is to try to be aware of that (and check the clock before you start talking).

The drug use accusations are just weird - so, I'd assume that they were made in jest?

DebbieLyn63

This is such a strange concept to me. I have always had friends of different sizes. Maybe because I wasn't obese at a young age. Do women really clique together with others of only the same weight? I just find that strange and shallow. We are so much more than our body size. If the only thing you have in common with someone is your dress size, then that is not a friendship. I have had friends that were larger and smaller than me at different stages of my life and at different weights of myself. When someone lost weight, I was happy for them. When I lost weight, they were happy for me.

Being jealous of a friend's success in any area is so petty. On the other hand, you have to be very careful not to flaunt your success in someone's face, even unintentionally. It is like if you had a friend that was having problems getting pregnant, and then you get pregnant. You would be a bit sensitive to what they are going thru, and maybe not gush over all the baby stuff in front of them, but you wouldn't stop being their friend because you were successful in getting pregnant and they weren't.

Another thing to consider- since like 85% of people who lose weight, end up gaining it back, if you dump all your fat friends when you lose weight, then what are you going to do if you gain back your weight? Come crawling back to the 'fat club'? Will your new 'skinny friends' then dump you? Who I am doesn't change just because there is a different number on the scale.

I have had friends who have lost weight when I wasn't at a point where I was ready to make the commitment yet. I didn't hate them for losing the weight. I cheered them on and told them how wonderful they were doing. Jealousy is so unbecoming.

On the other hand, now that I have made the commitment and am making progress, I don't talk about it with anyone else who isn't working on losing weight with me. That is what is great about MFP. We can talk about it with our friends on here and brag about our successes without hurting other people's feelings.

It is very common for us when we finally 'get it' to want to share it with all the world so they can 'get it' too. But they have to come to it when they are ready, just like we did. And we have to respect that.

MissJanet55

I think it's similar when people stop drinking - your friends may have to change. The fact that you've made a change can feel like an implicit judgement to people who are where you were when you decided you need to do things differently. We choose our friends partly because we feel they don't judge us too harshly, and that kind of change can make people feel judged, whether it's true or not.

You may have to accept that this will be part of your journey.

Ed98043

When people comment on my weight loss and then inevitably ask "What are you doing?", I just make a joke about it and say something like "Oh, you know, just pushing back from the ol' feed trough", and then wait for them to ask if they really want the details of how and why. But they usually just laugh and change the subject, because they're not really interested in hearing about it unless it's "I found this great pill/powder/whatever that lets me eat like Godzilla and still lose weight!".

Seachicken84

I agree with what everyone else has said. They are ashamed and embarrassed of themselves and what they've become and you have surpassed them in taking your life and health back. Any mention of your weight loss to them is a reflection of their inabilities. They may even feel as if people look at them as being lazy or pigs. I know I used to feel that way when someone close to me would come right out and say hey know what I did to lose weight? I never asked them and quite honestly didn't notice that they lost weight but I felt as if they were looking at me and judging me. Which was possible since this person is very judgmental of others. My response was always wow good for you. My husband always felt that he had to defend me and would say well that's great for you but you don't have the medical issues my wife has and your approach hasn't helped my wife. I would always keep it inside but it did hurt. When I'm asked how much weight I've lost or how I lost it I keep it short and to the point and never ever bring up how unhealthy such and such a weight would be. Especially if that person asking is over weight. I keep the conversation to everything in moderation and get moving more. It's really hard to not offend someone with your accomplishments if they're self conscious or have low self-esteem. I have one friend who is morbidly obese and disabled. It doesn't bother her that I've lost weight and she always wants to hear about what I"m doing now to keep it going. She asks so I tell her. She wouldn't keep asking me if it bothered her.

I agree with most everything here. Your successes possible give them a bigger inferiority complex then they may have had being friends with a bigger you. My guess (and it's only a guess) is that not talking about it to your bigger friends unless they directly ask would quell the outwardly negative comments. If that doesn't stop the smack down they are giving you, there is always the direct approach. Let them know you enjoy them as a friend and would love to keep it that way, but friends are supportive and if they can't be supportive of your new lifestyle you need to step back. Nothing personal, just that you need support in your efforts in order to stay the course you have chosen. If they are true friends, they will snap out of it. If they aren't they will likely be too butt hurt to continue. But at least you gave the friendship a real chance. It's sad that insecurities can be so big that they derail friendships.

Not sure if I live in an idealic bubble or not, but is this a common thing with women or do men fall victim to this as well. Personally I have never heard a guy be nothing but supportive to another guys efforts to lose weight. Either way it's sad but not all that shocking.

Great job on your progress, you're awesome!!! Keep up the great work.

shaynak112

They're intimidated by your awesomeness.

That's pretty much it. And they are jealous. They want to blame it on something (like drugs).
Also, drugs don't make you lose weight. Not all drugs anyway. I mean, think about weed. It just makes you hungry. LOL.

I haven't had any experiences like this. I haven't lost a lot of weight. When I think about it, all/most of my friends are in relatively good shape. I don't have many friends, I certainly wouldn't NOT be friends with an obese person because he/she is obese. But I guess, considering I go out dancing every weekend for hours on end, my friends tend to be in relatively good shape. I'm probably in the worst shape out of everyone. Hah.

meshashesha2012

This is such a strange concept to me. I have always had friends of different sizes. Maybe because I wasn't obese at a young age. Do women really clique together with others of only the same weight? I just find that strange and shallow. We are so much more than our body size.

sometimes, it's not the weight so much as behaviors that might go along with that, ie frequently eating out, lack of exercise, etc. but that can be worked around when you're dealing with genuine people. sounds like the OP's friends might just be some jealous biyatches. there's no reason to eye roll when someone's weight loss is mentioned.

Lyndz_88

i am 5 stone heavier than my best friend, and we always chat about health/fitnes. i dont see it as her attacking me, just, shall we say, helping each other, as she struggles herself to stay slim (we are both typical pear shapes, so share that struggle lol) anyway, what im saying is, your real friends shouldnt feel like you are shaming them! or be intimidated by you, its just ridiculous. if someone you dont know very well does it, ok, but a friend? dont they realise how much of a struggle it is! to lose weight and have no support. i rerally feel for you hun, when i was slimmer, about 2 stone off my goal weight, i had one friend keep saying i looked ill! its it because they are ashamed of themselves at the end of the day, and you remind them of there failures where you are succeeding. trust me, your real friends will always support you. surround yourself with those people, because as you say, your only half way there, and you are going to need it. look at me, so close to my goal, and somehow i am back where i started. no support, encouragemnet i suppose.

Lalaj100

Bottom line is

---

> THEY ARE HATERS! They are upset because they did not have the discipline to do what you did. Let them go and be mad and smile in their faces as you continue to lose weight and be fabulous!