Obese Friends Alienating Me

gelahope

They're intimidated by your awesomeness.

Couldn't have said it better.

But regardless, if your "friends" can't be happy for you about your amazing lifestyle change, you need new friends. For sure. It sucks now, but it may be for the best. And the ones that are really your friends will eventually see how silly they are being and come back to reality. The bottom line is - It's common sense. Overweight people, obese people, whatever... We know what it is that is making us that way. The difference is that we are trying to DO something about it. But we also know how hard it is to take the first step, so some people try to deny that even exists. But when they see someone changing right in front of them, they can't deny it anymore. So they make up excuses for it to make themselves feel better. Don't let it bother you girl. I support you!

DonnaNCgirl

Everyone treated me differently. Some accused me of having gastric bypass and not being honest about it. Others thought it was some trick. They didn't want to hear "eat less, work out more."

Some are jealous.
Some are intimidated.
Some are inspired.
Some are guilty.

End result. Do what you do and let the haters hate.

_LA_

Two and three, their issue.

One? Omg are you dense. If you say "obese people blah blah" and you are talking TO an obese person - of course she was included in your statement. And if you word it as talking to her, maybe that could be seen as talking to her with care. But a general statement? Now you are talking about her almost as if she isn't in the room. Can totally see how she would be offended. You should apologize to her for thoughtlessness and see if that makes it right.

brendadale1

Sad to hear!!/read! Real friends will be happy for you and want to know your secret in accomplishing your health goals..You will find, and attract new friends that understand you..and will help motivate you to maintain:) Best wishes! P.s I use to intimidate SOME skinny women..because their personalities were HORRID..lol

brendadale1

This I soooooooo agree with!!!

dough21

Since I stared my weight loss journey I have come to the half way point of 58 lost/58 to go.
One of the things I needed to get off my chest was: Obese people who have changed their attitude towards me since I have lost weight.

I used to inspire these girls, because I wasn't afraid to be who I was even if it meant being 240 in a bikini at the beach. Well I decided to lose weight, and since then I have stopped having these friends. And its not because of anything I did, or at least I don't believe it was anything I said.

An example of what I am dealing with:


I was having a talk with a friend about nutrition and proper BMI, you know, an intelligent conversation about weight loss and how the body works. I tell her that morbidly obese people are at greater risk of being unhealthy and develop stuff like diabetes. She took it out of context (and maybe because she is morbidly obese, which I never mentioned at all), she thought I was attacking her. She then told me "I can't believe you are turning into one of those people, just because you lost weight doesn't mean you have a right to go around snooping in peoples lives, or say I am going to get diabetes. There's no proof that being overweight is dangerous to your health." and stopped talking to me. When did I ever say to someone I considered a friend that she was going to get diabetes? I never would, that would be kinda of mean.

Another example:
My brother in laws girlfriend is extremely morbidly obese, and the first time I met her, we were all talking and hanging out, having beers, and my brother in law asked how I lost weight, esp being able to drink on occasion. I told them all, and I look at his girlfriend and all I catch is her rolling her eyes and turning her head. WHY? I never said anything about her, I didn't even talk nutrition. I said, " I eat better, eat a lot less then I used to and I get regular exercise. I dont need a gym, and I am doing it slowly, I want permanent results." Later that visit I overhear them talking in the kitchen, saying I am probably doing coke! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

Exmaple 3:
My ex friend calls me a liar and a drug addict because we went to lunch and I ate a giant plate and had a regular drink. She said there was no way I lost weight by eating like that and accused me of being on drugs, I tell her no, and explain how I did it, and then she accuses me of being bulimic and a drug addict. Needless to say I haven't talked to her since.

ONE THING: You don't have to be on drugs to lose weight, where are these people getting this?

Why are these overweight people being so mean to me just because I lost weight? Need I remind you I am still overweight myself, just a lot smaller then I used to be! I am the same person, I say the same things, I have the same interests. What is the point? I noticed when I talk to others like me who have lost weight, they experience the same thing.

Anyone else lose their fat" friends" when they lost the fat?

Get used to it. People who aren't willing to make the sacrifices to do what it takes to get in shape will envy you. This will not change don't let it keep you in any way shape or form less motivated.

XtyAnn17

Screw everyone else! And what they think! You made a better you , you look awesome and their jealous! Keep going for your goals and congrats on your current loss! I look up to you! I have a ways to go

thoseblueeyes

Don't let them discourge you in anyway. Your doing great keep it up. Your doing this for yourself not anyone else remember that and don't pay attention to what they have to say. I think your amazning !

Monica_has_a_goal

I have lots of friends but notice that my "fat" friends have been shying away from me..

Why? Maybe because they dont like seeing someone else succeed? Or... It's because they're scared I might bring up the weight

loss subject..

So now, I've decided to continue with my TRUE friends, whatever size they come in!

1Fizzle

This is such a strange concept to me. I have always had friends of different sizes. Maybe because I wasn't obese at a young age. Do women really clique together with others of only the same weight? I just find that strange and shallow. We are so much more than our body size.

sometimes, it's not the weight so much as behaviors that might go along with that, ie frequently eating out, lack of exercise, etc. but that can be worked around when you're dealing with genuine people. sounds like the OP's friends might just be some jealous biyatches. there's no reason to eye roll when someone's weight loss is mentioned.

This made me LOL....probably the case though. Especially in the latter scenario.

Athena125

It is probably very hard for them. It's difficult, but if you want to stay friends with any of these people, you will probably have to be sensitive to the fact that they aren't ready to think about their weight. You're light a giant red flashing light in their face now that they have a problem. And they haven't wanted to think about that problem. I might empathize more with my heavier friends because I have never been as overweight as some of them, and I can understand why they feel it's all futile (many of them have tried to lose weight and have failed).

When I'm in that situation, I focus the conversation on topics we are both interested in. But honestly some people still can't handle it. It does suck, but until any of them are ready to make changes, they probably won't be able to 100% be there for you.

jkleon86

It is much easier to say I am not going to do drugs just to lose weight (this eases the guilt) then to say I will not eat less and get off my bum and exercise every day like you do to lose weight.

Sharkington

My guess is that your weight loss, combined with discussing it, strikes a nerve with them because they might be used to acting defensive about their weight with other people, and may automatically feel they have to act that way towards you now that you are on a healthier path. I think there may be a little bit of jealousy in there, as well. (Just based on what you said about your friend accusing you of horrible things because you're still able to eat good food and lose weight). It's not fair to you at all, but some people don't even realize what they are doing when they behave that way, or where it could be coming from. You could try talking to your friends about how you feel if they are important to you. I don't know if it will change anything, but if not, just move on and find better friends who will support you.

Italian_Buju

This is such a strange concept to me. I have always had friends of different sizes. Maybe because I wasn't obese at a young age. Do women really clique together with others of only the same weight? I just find that strange and shallow. We are so much more than our body size. If the only thing you have in common with someone is your dress size, then that is not a friendship. I have had friends that were larger and smaller than me at different stages of my life and at different weights of myself. When someone lost weight, I was happy for them. When I lost weight, they were happy for me.

I have been overweight since birth, and obese most of my adult life...my closest dearest friend since age 4 is so naturally skinny that her DR told her she had to gain 17 pounds before getting pregnant.....size has nothing to do with actual friendship.

Determinetogetitthistime

For women, most definately, I am dealing with that now because I have had some success, and I have alot of people who were so used to putting me down before i started on my weight loss journey and I must say even so called religous people, people i fellowshipped with called me some awful names. I have came along, long way..... Alot comes from you deciding to take the steps you needed and stopped talking about it. I applaud anyone who states the have a probelm, being open and honest about it but most importantly, in stead of shoulda, coulda, woulda, set a process to take care of it. I find that 9 times out of 10 the ones that are saying all the negative remarks envy you, the really secretly envy a part of your life. I beleive, someone will always be prettier then you, have a bigger house, great looking husband, well behaved kids etc, etc but thats someone looking in, not know what the true story holds, the lady everyone thinks is pretty, may have some eating disorder, that husband we think treats his wife like a princess, may have constant affairs you never know what someone is going through in their lives. If they are alienating you, then those people werent good friends in the first place, because a real friend would applaud you every step of the journey, even while your getting on thier last nerve..... Dont be discouraged, by these friends that are being iffy, focus on the goals you have set in place, some will jump on the boat, but anyone going through this just remember, YOU ARE WORTH IT NEVER GIVE UP YOUR GOAL....Dawanda :happy:

triciab79

I do know how you feel. I have not lost friends from my weight loss but they don't want to try on clothes when we are out shopping anymore and they won't swim with me. I am the same person I was. I loved them then and I love them now. I guess they feel like my accomplishments must mean I look down on them for not doing the same. Its not true. I know very well how hard it is and I am so grateful for my ah ha moment. If that moment hadn't come I would still be where they are so there is no judgement here. Take the drug comments as compliments. I got a ton of questioning looks from my pastor (of all people) so you just have to laugh it off. Don't I repeat DON'T talk about the health concerns of being overweight with an overweight person you would like to remain your friend. They know the risks and you bringing it up is bound to make them defensive, which will not accomplish your goals.

minimizingmelissa

Jealousy is an ugly thing. They want that success, but don't want to work for it. Oh well, you'll find better friends who will support every step you take.

packratpatty

Maybe I can lend a different angle to this. I have lost and gained weight many times. Right now I am on a losing streak. I have a friend, I'll call.... Sue. I realize that she has been a bigger gal most of her life but when she turned 40, she started a diet and lost a lot of weight. She and I have been dear friends for years, raised our kids together, our husbands are best friends. Well, once she started losing weight, and lots of it, she started getting a little extra self esteem, I'm not saying that's bad, but she started dressing pretty sexy, again I'm not saying that's bad. I don't know if it was the effect of being married for 20 years or what, and probably her husband wasn't giving her the compliments she deserved, but she started hitting on men wherever she and I went. Sometimes the men would go for it, and more than once she slipped out the back door with those men.

She fails to see how this affects ME. I don't want to be in the one who has to lie (or not?) if and when her husband or mine asks me if she is cheating. I love her husband like a brother and she is betraying him, and she has put me in this awful place. I avoid her now and dread being around her. My husband has asked me why she and I don't go anywhere..... I don't want him to know what she has turned into. No, I'm not jealous of her weight loss, I am happy she got her health back and her self esteem. What I really dislike in her now is her behavior. I hate how she thinks she is such hot stuff, with no regard for her husband or kids. She's not the girl who she was when she was overweight. A girl who would go out with the girls and joke and laugh and have fun with us...not on the prowl for a man. She's a man hungry, attention hungry, self centered, inconsiderate human being. I wish she would have never lost all that weight, it has ruined or will ruin so many lives.

brevislux

First of all, kudos on your hard work and achievements!
You never know what else they have going on. Maybe your brother asked you that in front of his obese girlfriend so that she'd lose the weight too, and maybe they'd talked about it before, and it's making her feel bad (obviously)? Maybe she's not mad with you, but she is with him?

Good friends stay forever, and if a friend doesn't want to talk to you anymore because you've lost weight then great: she wasn't a friend to begin with. But ask yourself: how much do you talk about weight loss now? How uncomfortable might they feel because of it?

lexielexie40

I have one question. Did they ask you for your opinion? And so what you lost 58 lbs. You could gain it all back and more (not being mean). I lost 119 pounds almost 9 years ago. I still get complaints on my weight lost. I only give my opinion when I AM asked by someone. I am not an expert although I know the benefits of weight lost and good health. So I say until someone ask for your advice, just tell your friends on this site.

lexielexie40

I also may add you will find friends who want to be healthy . So don't give up.

Liatush

I try not to talk about changes that I'm making (except to my wife - but she signed on to listen to my nonsense.) If the topic comes up - I keep the answers short.

With any changes people make - while they might be really excited and want to share their thoughts, theories, feelings, good or bad, it can be annoying to the people that get this inflicted on them.

I'm not saying that you are necessarily doing this - but it's really common in my experience and the people doing it are often not completely aware of doing it. (weight loss, workout plans, divorce(!), medical issues, etc.)

If people are interested in talking about a topic - they will tend to ask probing questions. My advice is to try to be aware of that (and check the clock before you start talking).

The drug use accusations are just weird - so, I'd assume that they were made in jest?

I agree with this.... you have lost weight and that's a great thing - you should really be proud of yourself, but constantly talking about those "morbidly obese" like they are somehow sub-par and labeling them the way you seem to isn't cool and I suspect its why you are getting the cold shoulder.

ldrosophila

humans suck... when you lose weight the shallow ones will love you more and the insecure ones will love you less. It sure isnt fair. Keep up the hard work dont let anyone stop you from being the most healthiest and fit that you can be.

ldrosophila

Maybe I can lend a different angle to this. I have lost and gained weight many times. Right now I am on a losing streak. I have a friend, I'll call.... Sue. I realize that she has been a bigger gal most of her life but when she turned 40, she started a diet and lost a lot of weight. She and I have been dear friends for years, raised our kids together, our husbands are best friends. Well, once she started losing weight, and lots of it, she started getting a little extra self esteem, I'm not saying that's bad, but she started dressing pretty sexy, again I'm not saying that's bad. I don't know if it was the effect of being married for 20 years or what, and probably her husband wasn't giving her the compliments she deserved, but she started hitting on men wherever she and I went. Sometimes the men would go for it, and more than once she slipped out the back door with those men.

She fails to see how this affects ME. I don't want to be in the one who has to lie (or not?) if and when her husband or mine asks me if she is cheating. I love her husband like a brother and she is betraying him, and she has put me in this awful place. I avoid her now and dread being around her. My husband has asked me why she and I don't go anywhere..... I don't want him to know what she has turned into. No, I'm not jealous of her weight loss, I am happy she got her health back and her self esteem. What I really dislike in her now is her behavior. I hate how she thinks she is such hot stuff, with no regard for her husband or kids. She's not the girl who she was when she was overweight. A girl who would go out with the girls and joke and laugh and have fun with us...not on the prowl for a man. She's a man hungry, attention hungry, self centered, inconsiderate human being. I wish she would have never lost all that weight, it has ruined or will ruin so many lives.

See I'm worried this will happen to me. I dont get all that I want out of the relationship, and know that that attention will be very tempting.

jnichel

ONE THING: You don't have to be on drugs to lose weight, where are these people getting this?

What?? I decided to lose weight so I'd have an excuse to do coke. That's it, I quit.

_kannnd

They're intimidated by your awesomeness.

THIS!

packratpatty

Maybe I can lend a different angle to this. I have lost and gained weight many times. Right now I am on a losing streak. I have a friend, I'll call.... Sue. I realize that she has been a bigger gal most of her life but when she turned 40, she started a diet and lost a lot of weight. She and I have been dear friends for years, raised our kids together, our husbands are best friends. Well, once she started losing weight, and lots of it, she started getting a little extra self esteem, I'm not saying that's bad, but she started dressing pretty sexy, again I'm not saying that's bad. I don't know if it was the effect of being married for 20 years or what, and probably her husband wasn't giving her the compliments she deserved, but she started hitting on men wherever she and I went. Sometimes the men would go for it, and more than once she slipped out the back door with those men.

She fails to see how this affects ME. I don't want to be in the one who has to lie (or not?) if and when her husband or mine asks me if she is cheating. I love her husband like a brother and she is betraying him, and she has put me in this awful place. I avoid her now and dread being around her. My husband has asked me why she and I don't go anywhere..... I don't want him to know what she has turned into. No, I'm not jealous of her weight loss, I am happy she got her health back and her self esteem. What I really dislike in her now is her behavior. I hate how she thinks she is such hot stuff, with no regard for her husband or kids. She's not the girl who she was when she was overweight. A girl who would go out with the girls and joke and laugh and have fun with us...not on the prowl for a man. She's a man hungry, attention hungry, self centered, inconsiderate human being. I wish she would have never lost all that weight, it has ruined or will ruin so many lives.

See I'm worried this will happen to me. I dont get all that I want out of the relationship, and know that that attention will be very tempting.

It IS tempting, but one thing we all hate, as a group of well behaved MARRIED or TAKEN women, women of all sizes and fitness levels (don't assume we are all just a group of fat old jealous bats) is women throwing themselves all over men, acting like desparate pathetic human beings. I will be willing to bet that the friends of this women dislike what the OP has become. How she is now acting like the way her whole group of friends despise. I HATE being around my friend now. I dread being around her because she is the epitome of what we all dislike in a person. My friend, she dresses like a fifteen year old girl now. It's rediculous and embarrassing to be around her and I can fully understand why the OPs friends are acting the way they are.