Awkward wedding issue

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Replies

  • TheConsciousFoody
    TheConsciousFoody Posts: 607 Member
    Elope. Problem solved

    This is what I plan on doing. We want to ride the Harley to Vegas, get married at the chopper chapel, and those who want to be there can be there but that's all on them.
  • LetsMakeupXtina
    LetsMakeupXtina Posts: 627 Member
    Elope. Problem solved

    This is what I plan on doing. We want to ride the Harley to Vegas, get married at the chopper chapel, and those who want to be there can be there but that's all on them.

    i love this idea.
  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
    I am sorry to burst the bubbles of the wedding etiquette police, but it is perfectly accepted in today's modern wedding world to not allow plus ones.

    Judging by most of the answers here I doubt it.
  • Jsnuggles
    Jsnuggles Posts: 33
    Go to theknot.com, or buy wedding magazines every month. Most people here are not planning, or haven't recently planned, a wedding. Plus ones are NOT mandatory.
  • CMansager
    CMansager Posts: 10
    Since you stated that you are interested in the "diplomatic minefield," I am going to echo the people that said you cannot ignore the partners of people who are: married, engaged, living together. Ever. The person who responded to your invite, likely did NOT miss the single invitation. Her response, "We'd love to come" if is: married, engaged, living with someone, is answering that question for you, it's code for "Let me help you figure out that I won't be awkwardly sitting at the single's table with my spouse/fiance/domestic partner at home. You couldn't have meant that, right?" In fact, you wouldn't dream of putting someone that you care about enough to invite to your wedding, for family and friends, to start a fight with their spouse, partner, domestic relationship about "Why they really aren't invited" do you? No, of course not. So, "WE would love to come." Answered. If you call this person and say, "Hey, we're on a budget, it's just you or none of you?" The answer is: None of you. Well, that will really put a pickle in your "people will have someone to hang out with" won't it? (Yes, it will, when declines are sent.) The "Diplomatic minefield" is in figuring out WHO is really important to you to show up, who they are married, engaged, living with, and then adjust your cost accordingly. Oh, it is also polite to invite the clergyperson, justice of the peace, or the person who officiates your wedding and his or her spouse/domestic partner, etc. to your reception, and pay for their dinners, too. It's rude not to invite them (but this also gets overlooked all the time.) They can decline, they do all the time, but don't ignore or not invite them. Adjust budget accordingly. Or- elope. If the budget is that tight. The only thing people really need to get married is: The bridal couple, the officiant, a witness and a signed document filed in a courthouse by the officiant (and blood tests in some states.) Which would you rather have? Your small budget is no reason to alienate the people you are choosing to witness and support your union, before you've shown up to get married. Make wise choices, and the people YOU TWO care about most, want to witness you getting married, and not "who has whom to hang out with at the party" and that should help, too. Good luck!
  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
    Go to theknot.com, or buy wedding magazines every month. Most people here are not planning, or haven't recently planned, a wedding. Plus ones are NOT mandatory.

    Ask this on any board on the knot and OP will get roasted, seriously, especially onthe etiqutte forum. This is a far friendlier forum. I just got married in September and spent quite a bit of time there. I can assure you the overwhelming majority will tell you that everyone should get a plus one. Some may agree that those who are truly single can be invited as a single but even those in a brand new relationship should get a plus one.
  • small_ninja
    small_ninja Posts: 365 Member
    Bex, I'm from NZ too and, while I'm still pretty young and haven't been to many weddings, I think this is a perfectly acceptable way to do things, but it's good to keep in mind how your friend and his partner may feel about you excluding said partner. Hopefully he/she will understand. Best of luck :smile:
  • sculawstudent
    sculawstudent Posts: 26
    look on this site, they deal with the issue often. etiquette say you invite who you want to invite.. http://weddinghellsbells.com/
  • cheshire1865
    cheshire1865 Posts: 71
    I think it is perfectly fine to not invite someone you don't really know, especially when the budget is so tight. You have given him another solution so that she can come along and have worded it perfectly. I don't get on with a fair few of my SO's friends so when he has gone to their weddings, it has been without a doubt that I a) wouldn't get invited and b) wouldn't go even if I had.

    It is perfectly acceptable to put stipulations on YOUR wedding day.

    You have taken the friend's feelings into consideration and have given him a workable alternative. I would not panic. You are not expected to put yourself into debt because some people cannot go somewhere without their partner.

    I have found that too many people get het up by "etiquette" for weddings and they become the guests from hell by doing so. I have seen more than enough brides in tears because their friends don't like the colour scheme, or that everyone in the bridal party has different ideas on the flowers, mothers trying to bring along everyone from the street even though the bride and groom don't know any of them, and no-one listens to what the couple want. They should simply go along with things and be there to celebrate with the bride and groom.

    Good luck on the wedding day, am sure you'll both look gorgeous. Eat, drink and dance the night away :D
  • CMansager
    CMansager Posts: 10
    This isn't about "wedding police" it's about "wedding etiquette" that is still valid. People's feelings haven't changed because it's 2013. Stipulations that should be put on someone's wedding day should not be wiggle room to be directly rude. This is especially true in the reasons that we invite people to our wedding- support for the new couple. Is this how they want their new lives to start? If they can afford to pay for one couple and the clergyperson? So be it. There is no rule that says that anyone has to have a wedding. It's cheaper to just go to city hall. It's also a kinder thing to do, when the money is so tight, and to not hurt feelings before new lives have started together. The LAST thing anyone should want to do? Alienate people from their lives and their SO's before their wedding day arrives.
  • HotMummyMission
    HotMummyMission Posts: 1,723 Member
    Make the wedding to family only an have a big reception after everybody's happy then your going to have no guest otherwise there partners are more important than your wedding don't mean that rude either just what I would do my man goes or I don't
  • trainguy917
    trainguy917 Posts: 366 Member
    I feel like if I couldn't invite both halves of all couples, I wouldn't invite either half. You're setting yourself up for the exact situation in which you've found yourself.
  • EmilyOfTheSun
    EmilyOfTheSun Posts: 1,548 Member
    Honestly, it's YOUR wedding. Do what works for you. I'm sure it can be a huge financial burden and if this is what you've figured out to make it work...good job. Just tell the dude like you told everyone else. Be honest with him that money is tight since you're paying for it yourself, and there isn't space for a +1, but that there will be plenty of other people there that he knows.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    Make the exception. There is no way around it without causing problems. The assumption will be made that you don't like his SO. You made exceptions for others. Make the exception for him.

    Hindsight is 20/20, but personally, I would not have invited someone if I could not include their SO.
  • mamamc03
    mamamc03 Posts: 1,067 Member
    Thank GOD I had a 2pm wedding! Only served cake & punch! It was fantastic!! Didn't have to worry with food, caterers...UGH! I hate catered food anyways! So that's my suggestion.
    #$2000weddingincludingdress
  • VitVit18
    VitVit18 Posts: 103 Member
    I don't know, any wedding I've ever been to, I've never had the option of a +1 (granted I had never been dating anyone at the time). But my cousin laid down the law with some of us (ie - wedding party), no +1's unless you've been officially dating for at least a year by the time of the wedding. I'm fine with that and respect her decision/the costs associated. So really, I don't see why some people would respect your decision.
  • dawnp1833
    dawnp1833 Posts: 264 Member
    Maybe I'm just being anti-social, but I would love it if my husband went to a wedding and I wasn't invited. And if they could extend that tradition to their kids birthday parties and first communions and whatnot, it would be even better. He has a large group of friends that grew up together and many married inside their circle. When I go to the parties, they have a great time, share inside jokes, talk about their high school years - and I'm like the third wheel. I think it would be more fun for the close group of friends to celebrate together at a small gathering without having to worry whether their wife or girlfriend is having fun or being included. I'm sure my husband equally dreads going to my friends' events.
  • betterthanyouare
    betterthanyouare Posts: 2
    Wow - what a lame wedding! And they all are pretty lame so nice job! I'm surprised you have any friends to invite at all being such a selfish tight-*kitten*. Kudos to all who are not "friends" with this couple - good choice!
  • InnerConflict
    InnerConflict Posts: 1,592 Member
    Wow - what a lame wedding! And they all are pretty lame so nice job! I'm surprised you have any friends to invite at all being such a selfish tight-*kitten*. Kudos to all who are not "friends" with this couple - good choice!

    Not a fan of her approach, but you are more lame for creating an account just to troll the message boards.
  • SDHudgins1976
    SDHudgins1976 Posts: 140
    We had a very strict budget, and as a result only did a cake/ punch reception. We had both a bridal and a groom's cake so there was plenty to go around. Maybe that would be some sort of possibility (unless there's just not space!)
  • Cindym82
    Cindym82 Posts: 1,245 Member
    I think it's extremely tacky. I will be paying for my own wedding next year and NEVER have me and my SO discussed something as extreme as no +1, we have a VERY small budget and are even going out of our way to pay for our mother's because they do not have the money to attend (we are doing a destination wedding) and do not expect a gift from them. If you didn't have the money to pay for so many guests you should of invited less people. Problem solved
  • monicalosesweight
    monicalosesweight Posts: 1,173 Member
    Just call them up and act excited for them and indicate "Wow. When did you get engaged?" Once they say, "Um. Engaged?" You can indicate that's what you thought when you saw the +1 on it. At that point, if he acts like "Heck no" indicate you were keeping the costs down as your budget is low but that you were allowing serious partners as you'd never separate someone whose getting married or in a serious situation. You can even mention how you're setting up tables for the singles so they can hang out and not feel solo. He'll either go "Oops. No. I'm just dating them....that's ok...no worries. I'll come solo OR you'll find out he's been in a serious relationship and you didn't know and you can add him to a married couple table. Either way, you'll get the straight story and you'll find out if that was an error. If they get all offended, you could say "Sorry - we can't afford such a big wedding but we really wanted you to come as your one of our best buds...just can't afford dates." Hopefully, you'll get a polite response and he'll back out or not go with a date.
  • betterthanyouare
    betterthanyouare Posts: 2
    Not a fan of her approach, but you are more lame for creating an account just to troll the message boards.

    Says the troll who is overly concerned with bras and pants "fitting". True story.
  • thelaurameister
    thelaurameister Posts: 689 Member
    I won't go so far as to say it's "tacky" like so many others have....It is YOUR wedding. This reminds me of the "no kids" situation for weddings. It's all going to depend on your personal opinion. The way I see it, you're the "star" that day, don't let anybody else dictate how your special day goes. On the flip side, you could potentially piss a lot of people off, which is unfortunate.
  • Infauna
    Infauna Posts: 89
    I wouldn't go to a wedding if my other half wasn't invited.
  • oh_em_gee
    oh_em_gee Posts: 887 Member
    My SO has been to a wedding without me, and it was not a problem for me. It was his best friend's brother's wife's sister's wedding. I had met her in passing once, there was no need for me to go. But, if it were one of his closer friends, I'd feel a bit slighted.
  • mlondon8509
    mlondon8509 Posts: 28 Member
    Our policy was as follows. Guest who are married - always plus 1. Guests with serious long term relationships - always plus 1. Guests where we know / have hung out with the significant other - plus 1. Guest not in a relationship (that we know about) or in a very casual relationship - solo, unless they would have no other friends at the wedding to hang out with.

    Here is the rub. If one of our solo invites did not get the hint that it was not intended to be a plus one, we just rolled with it allowed them to bring the guest. Over 90% of the solo invites understood and followed it, so we were able to largely manage the guest list without having to have the awkward converstations you are talking about.
  • ashesfromfire
    ashesfromfire Posts: 867 Member
    I'm not married, but I've been with the same man for about four and a half years now. This past summer a life long friend of mine got married. She's young and had a very beautiful, but very small wedding. When I received the invitation I called her and asked if there was room for me to bring a plus one - ensuring her that it was fine if i couldn't. She told me she'd let me know once she had all her RSVP's and had a better idea of how many people were coming. It turned out that she could accommodate my boyfriend, which was lovely, but by no means would I have refused to go if it turned out against my favor. i love my man and I love her - I didn't feel as if she was rude about it at all. She was kind and considerate, but honest about it with me.
    I would find it very silly to refuse to go to an event if James couldn't come with me - nor do I think he wants to be drug to every cousin's birthday party I ever attend. Sure, we're a unit. Our lives are joined and we generally prefer doing things as a couple, but it's not a must. We have lives that exist outside of one another as well.
    As long as it won't put them in a potentially awkward situation (in example: come to my party that will be all members of the opposite sex and everyone will get drunk and make bad choices - i've been there too and did really wish I had MY member of the opposite sex with me) then I think it's fine.

    I'm shocked at how many people say they wouldn't go just because there s.o. couldn't - it seems petty.
  • pamelak5
    pamelak5 Posts: 327 Member
    I'm not married, but I've been with the same man for about four and a half years now. This past summer a life long friend of mine got married. She's young and had a very beautiful, but very small wedding. When I received the invitation I called her and asked if there was room for me to bring a plus one - ensuring her that it was fine if i couldn't. She told me she'd let me know once she had all her RSVP's and had a better idea of how many people were coming. It turned out that she could accommodate my boyfriend, which was lovely, but by no means would I have refused to go if it turned out against my favor. i love my man and I love her - I didn't feel as if she was rude about it at all. She was kind and considerate, but honest about it with me.
    I would find it very silly to refuse to go to an event if James couldn't come with me - nor do I think he wants to be drug to every cousin's birthday party I ever attend. Sure, we're a unit. Our lives are joined and we generally prefer doing things as a couple, but it's not a must. We have lives that exist outside of one another as well.
    As long as it won't put them in a potentially awkward situation (in example: come to my party that will be all members of the opposite sex and everyone will get drunk and make bad choices - i've been there too and did really wish I had MY member of the opposite sex with me) then I think it's fine.

    I'm shocked at how many people say they wouldn't go just because there s.o. couldn't - it seems petty.

    I think the problem is that the rule isn't universal. "No plus-ones" is one rule. But "he can bring a plus one, but you can't, even though you've both b een with your partner for four years..." is trouble. I had a friend who only invited "close friends" to bring a plus one. Why are you inviting people who aren't "close" to your wedding? It smacks of a gift grab.

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