Tough love or softly, softly

borom44

Which is best? Personally I prefer the tough love approach, as I believe that if you take the “never mind, its not easy and you will sometimes fall off the wagon” approach, you are making the option of failure easy and as in nature the path of least resistance is the default route. On the other hand, to berate failure and make the whole experience of failure unpleasant it no longer becomes the path of least resistance and as such is the one less likely to be chosen.

Is this a male thing?

lauren3101

I prefer tough love but tough love on here generally equals bullying.

Mokey41

I'm totally for tough love. Way too many people in the world making excuses for why their journey through life is so much harder than every one else's.

tricksee

tough love all the way!!! no beating about the bush!!!

I believe hitting problem HEAD ON IS HARD!!!! kicking yourself into gear and not looking back.

the line between winning and losing is STRAIGHT as AN ARROW - not wavey!!

just yesterday I told someone here to empty their snack cupboard and get healthy with a positive mentality and then someone pipes up saying "ignore him, eat chocolate within your calorie allowance"

well that's all fine and dandy, but picking fingers tend to keep on picking and the circle continues etc...

I say cut out rubbish food FULL STOP!!! !! when you have your mind right and attitude toward food is POSITIVE then yeah!! TREAT YOURSELF!! but until then, go full force and attack fat like it just made you mad!!

im sorry for rambling - forgot what this threads about. ignore me

Iron_Duchess

I agree to an extent; because I don’t like to be called names, like stupid, but I also don’t think is conductive to change to get a pat in the back, get a WTG, and a three paragraph comment to make me feel better without the information that I need. The truth is that sometimes all it takes is one sentence that says get you act together and do this so you can see changes. I hate to waste time! Be respectful, but above all please be direct.

TedStout

IMO if you soft sell it, its too easy to give up. Most of us tend to look for quick success. There is no way you can just "diet" and lose weight quickly. You have to combine it with exercise to see those lbs come off quickly. In the end, its up to you. What are your goals. If you want to wait 6 months to lose 10 lbs, do so. However, when you hit it hard, make the sacrifices and life changes necessary, those lbs come off quickly and you can see the immediate results. It ain't easy but once you change the way you view diet and exercise, its a life changing experience. I feel the best I have in many many years and I am 50, wearing the same size I did when i was 20.

johned63

Tough love only works when you really know a person and what makes them tick. I have a few people on my FL that I know well enough that I could push if I see they need it. There are others that this approach would have a very negative effect and many that I don;t know well enough to be anything more than encouraging.

In the end we have to be accountable to ourselves, but even using tough love self talk can at times be detrimental. Know your audience well enough to determine what approach is going to work the best.

quirkytizzy

Soft and gentle encouragement. I've had enough "tough love" in my life that masqueraded as a cover up for abuse and belittling. Screw that.

I do better in a circle of understanding. There's a lot of roadblocks in my life and hearing people tell me those things shouldn't matter only pisses me off and makes me close off. I don't respond well to people telling me what should be important in my life and what shouldn't - that's really my decision to make.

I don't let anyone else make that choice for me. EVER.

CristinaL1983

I think that a combination of the two is usually best. I doubt that most of us were being completely honest with ourselves when we gained weight. There was probably at least a little bit of denial and so being honest (especially with friends) can be really helpful. But at the same time (especially when you don't know someone very well), there is a way to be honest and nice and people are probably more likely to listen when that approach is taken. I know I am.

MinnieInMaine

It depends on the person. To my very close friends and family, I go tough love all the way. For all others, I try to go with a softer approach. Here on MFP, I'm somewhere in the middle. It's tough to convey tone online, which is why a lot of folks get blamed for bullying when they're just trying to give good solid advice with a hint of sarcasm or snark. Easier to go a little on the softer side so your good advice doesn't get ignored for coming off as "mean"

ThriftyChica12

Soft and gentle encouragement. I've had enough "tough love" in my life that masqueraded as a cover up for abuse and belittling. Screw that.

I do better in a circle of understanding. There's a lot of roadblocks in my life and hearing people tell me those things shouldn't matter only pisses me off and makes me close off. I don't respond well to people telling me what should be important in my life and what shouldn't - that's really my decision to make.

I don't let anyone else make that choice for me. EVER.

right. on. couldn't have said it better myself.

for today, i refuse to let insults and criticism serve as "motivation". especially, i refuse to do that stuff to MYSELF!

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

I prefer a soft approach, both when giving and receiving advice. Generally when giving advice I start on the softest setting and then if it doesn't sink it I get a little harsher. Tough love tends to make me shut down pretty instantly, depending on how tough it is.

Yolanda_85

Be respectful, but above all please be direct.

This. I don't appreciate being called names or told that I eat like a farm animal. That will only frustrate me and make me feel like a failure and I tend to either under eat in an attempt to lose too quickly or give up even more and over eat. I also hate being coddled and told, 'it's ok, every one fails sometimes' especially if I'm having a bad week. Simply remind me what I'm working towards, 'hey, aren't you wanting a new swimsuit for your summer vacation?' 'Didn't you want to be a size 8 when you go to the State Bowling Tournament?' Tell me to get my head out of my butt, and get back on track or it won't happen. Don't insult me or bully me. But don't coddle me either.

HappyKite

I think there is a difference between a soft approach and vindicating someone's bad choices. For example, if someone posts "I've jus eaten a packet of biscuits", then saying, "Ok, put it behind you and get back on track" is fine and useful. If you respond by saying "You deserve them, go on treat yourself", then you are encouraging them to fail. If you call them a buffoon and tell them off, unless you know then personally and know they can take that, then you are a bully.

icimani

It doesn't have to one extreme or another. There are ways to encourage people without just being a sanctimonious jerk about it.

I think there is a difference between a soft approach and vindicating someone's bad choices. For example, if someone posts "I've just eaten a packet of biscuits", then saying, "Ok, put it behind you and get back on track" is fine and useful. If you call them a buffoon and tell them off, unless you know then personally and know they can take that, then you are a bully.

pengem789

Not a guy thing. I hold myself to a very high standard and I am very hard on myself. The BIG problem with that was that when I beat myself up too much, the whole experience was negative and it made me dread dieting. I think a really good firmness with yourself about what you need to do is important, but so is forgiving yourself and calmly moving on when you're not perfect.

DavPul

I prefer option C: truthful and direct.

sunsnstatheart

I prefer to break their will with tough love, and then softly build them back up

firstsip

I prefer he kill me softly with his song.

oregonzoo

The nicest possible version of tough love.
Come on, we're adults. We don't need babysitters or coddling.

mmddwechanged

Softly, softly.

ToFatToBeSick

I prefer the touch love however there is a line between tough love and just being a complete *kitten* towards somebody. If I go over in calories for the day, I don't want my "friends" on here telling me I did a good job or that I did great. I want them to tell me that I'm going to end up not achieving my goals if I continue to eat like that.

Unknown

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escloflowneCHANGED

I prefer option C: truthful and direct.

DontStopB_Leakin

I appreciate tough love, and I only hand out tough love.

That being said, tough love does not involve belittling or berating. That's abuse.

Energizer06

Choose whichever works for you! Both can have the same result. just like 2+2=4 so does 3+1. some people even like 1+1+1

ToFatToBeSick

tough love all the way!!! no beating about the bush!!!

I believe hitting problem HEAD ON IS HARD!!!! kicking yourself into gear and not looking back.

the line between winning and losing is STRAIGHT as AN ARROW - not wavey!!

just yesterday I told someone here to empty their snack cupboard and get healthy with a positive mentality and then someone pipes up saying "ignore him, eat chocolate within your calorie allowance"

well that's all fine and dandy, but picking fingers tend to keep on picking and the circle continues etc...

I say cut out rubbish food FULL STOP!!! !! when you have your mind right and attitude toward food is POSITIVE then yeah!! TREAT YOURSELF!! but until then, go full force and attack fat like it just made you mad!!

im sorry for rambling - forgot what this threads about. ignore me

Your posts get worse and worse. Now you've just called a MFP member a 'buffoon' and a 'stuck up muppet', just because they think that cutting out everything you enjoy is unsustainable? Nice.

No tough love for Lauren...

Danni1585

It's not about gender, it's about the person. On MFP I have found a great group of people, who suit me. I deleted one person because I felt they had a really unhealthy attitude towards food and perhaps an eating disorder. Some threads I ignore, I don't like to see sarcasm or bullying, but some people are trying to give helpful advice and some people are sensitive. It's a judgement call, I try to be supportive to others as I have got wonderful support since joining. I joined here because I am overweight, and hadn't succeeded on my own before. I think, the successs of this site is the friendship and sense of community. Good luck.

Cr01502

It depends on the individual.

Some people respond well to tough love. Others rebel and dig in deeper.

Some people expect to be molly coddled and make no progress.

The truth is you need a combination of both.

DonnaNCgirl

Tough love but get over it when you fall off the wagon once in a while. If fitness had an "end point" I would say tough love all the way, but it's not. Fitness is a lifetime commitment. However, I don't want to "give up" certain foods and behaviors for the rest of my life. I try to control my calorie intake every day. On the occasional day that I don't do so well, I get over it. The problem is when people allow a "bad" day to turn into more than just one bad day.

witchyme

im happy my man can give me both, sweet and kind, and so romantic, and yet, little tough love, and little hair pulling,, brings the animal out of him.....and out of me.....

i got the best of both worlds,,lol