Is it better to respond or let it go?

SMarie10

A friend said something not so nice to me last night. I bit my tongue and let is pass, but been stewing about it all day, and wish I would have said something back to her about how she treated me. I also think maybe it was better that I did not respond and took the high road.

So, do you regret more what you wish you would have said or what was you did say?

MyChocolateDiet

i regret more the things I do say. after the days pass, i am always happy of whatever i did not say. makes me feel like i took the high road in the end.

whierd

I would say what I think. Except I am usually ready for whatever consequences that come.

yager8725

I think twice about everything I say. Let the other person be the DILL WHOLE!!

Cognito1025

I think twice about everything I say. Let the other person be the DILL WHOLE!!

This.

KenosFeoh

You could always write it out in great detail, then burn it, put it away to read it a month from now, or put it in a bottle and toss it into the ocean or river.

SMarie10

You could always write it out in great detail, then burn it, put it away to read it a month from now, or put it in a bottle and toss it into the ocean or river.

THe whole thing wasn't too dramatic, it just really pissed me off. This is happened before with this friend, and I've never said anything back. I think I'll let her know how I feel next time I see her.

KainStar

Depends on the situation and whom it was. 9/10 I say how I feel. But as I got older I ignore a lot of things people say to me if its hurtful. I don't let anyone alter my mood.

Ocarina

You should defend yourself. To prevent behavior. But not in the lash out or come-back type approach. Just tell them straight up what they said was hurtful and not what you would want or expect to hear from a friend. Take a logical approach. Sometimes people are totally oblivious to what they say around others or are having a horrible day anyways. If they are a true friend they will apologize and move on. If not then you can know you took the high road and distance yourself.

Above all things though do not tolerate disrespect. Especially if it was a serious comment leaving you hurt. But misunderstanding can be a easy contributor to this.

navywendy00

I used to bite my tongue on a lot of things, but then people walked all over me. More I say what's on my mind regardless.

oudixon

I am always reminded by an old saying my dad once told me "Never argue with a fool; onlookers may not be able to tell the difference." I have always thought this was good advice, because usually it's pointless to argue with them anyways.

Larisonlj

You could always write it out in great detail, then burn it, put it away to read it a month from now, or put it in a bottle and toss it into the ocean or river.

THe whole thing wasn't too dramatic, it just really pissed me off. This is happened before with this friend, and I've never said anything back. I think I'll let her know how I feel next time I see her.

If you do say something, make it clear what she said and how it offended you. Also that you would like her to remain a friend but you won't tolerate being treated xxx way.
Otherwise, choose to forgive so you can let it go and not let it burn negatively inside you, then maybe distance yourself somewhat.
Good luck.

SwimFan1981

Try talking to her? let her know how it made you feel.

hanahughes

I can get a bit hot headed when I'm in the moment and say things i want to say but perhaps shouldn't of haha..I do regret it once I have calmed down and thought about it though!! So i think that it's maybe better to sit and think and let your self calm down and if it still bothers you then perhaps politely go and say something

Helenatrandom

If you are still stewing about it, then you need to talk it over with her. BUT think it through. You don't want the situation to snowball. But letting it fester isn't any better.
I had a friend mad at me a while back because another person didn't want her to go on a ladder to fix something, and she thought I told people she was afraid of heights. She was mad at me for WEEKS without telling me why. Then she did. I ended up telling her a) I didn't mention it to anyone. b) I'm not mad at her for THINKING I did, because I didn't realize it was a secret and COULD HAVE if the topic somehow (unlikely) came up. c) I am mad at her for stewing about this for weeks and treating me like I've done something wrong and didn't know what. If she had TOLD me right away, I'd have probably snapped that I didn't, but it would have been OVER in two seconds. d) As far as I'm concerned the situation is over now and I'm putting it behind me and the rest is up to her.
The point of my story? The more it festers, the more out of proportion things get.

whitehairedguy64

I've been told that I'm "unfiltered". You can guess what that means. There are times, such as today, when it is best for me to keep my mouth shut!

JUDDDing

I would say what I think. Except I am usually ready for whatever consequences that come.

I agree. Because there are really consequences for holding your tongue too. i.e., your friend is left thinking that it is ok to talk to you this way.

LokiOfAsgard

If you've been thinking about it all day. I say; say something.
Don't be all argumentive about it, don't call your friend names or get upset, but let them know that what they said made you mad. If things heat up, then take yourself out of it.

The regretful things we say, most often happen when it comes from anger. But if you're simply expressing how you feel, without trying to jab at the other person, that's when improvements can be made.

theCarlton

I would say what I think. Except I am usually ready for whatever consequences that come.

I agree. Because there are really consequences for holding your tongue too. i.e., your friend is left thinking that it is ok to talk to you this way.

This. And this.
"We teach people how to treat us."

skm4jc

It's probably better that you didn't respond in the heat of the moment. If this person truly is a friend, approach him/her about it now that a little time has passed. Be as polite as possible, perhaps saying something like "I can't get what you said the other day out of my head. It really hurt me." If you need to ask why it was said, that is also the time to do so. I, personally, was recently your friend and had to fix things. I was drunk and stupid and it came out badly. I went to drastic measures (including but not limited to lots of crying, begging, and apologizing all over the place) to make sure my friend understood how important our friendship was. If this is a true friendship, things will work out. They may be rough for awhile, but it will work out.

n2thenight24

Nvm

acogg

You might want to ask her WHY she said what she said. She may have a perfectly reasonable answer and one that you hadn't thought of.

brokenjawedmuse

A friend said something not so nice to me last night. I bit my tongue and let is pass, but been stewing about it all day, and wish I would have said something back to her about how she treated me. I also think maybe it was better that I did not respond and took the high road.

So, do you regret more what you wish you would have said or what was you did say?

It depends. If it strikes me as a lack of respect, I'll call him/her on the carpet for it. If it was TRULY a mistake, they'll apologize. If not....not much of a friend.

Clearly, it's a big enough deal for you to still be stewing about it.

xHelloQuincyx

my opinion- respond. People who don't communicate arnt going to work together and I dont let others take advantage of me. If someone is bringing me down they arnt my friend. as silly as it sounds, ive been there and done that. I only have one friend now with whom cares deeply about me and my hubby and would chop off her arm for me. This is what works- for me- id rather not even deal with friends who are crap its not worth my time or sanity. if it was a misunderstanding the only way to find that out is to talk about it. I like to switch it back on them example: "hmm.. some people would never say anything like that to someones face, but I admire your desire to be upfront with me- unfortunately we will have to agree to disagree." or i just mention something about not wanting that type of negativity in my life and change the subject.

also i don't believe it is the high rode to let her have that much power over you and your emotions. Either move on from it and get rid of those feelings, or confront her/ email her/ write her a letter expressing how she made you feel. When people inject snide comments like that they usually see your response and push that in the future (in my experiences anyway). usually resulting in you realizing that you don't actually like that person about a year later...

to everyone saying ignore it.. do people in relationships who ignore things that make them feel like crap 'taking the high rode'? I dont think so. I think they need to stand up for themselves before they are walked all over and disrespected into an unhealthy relationship that isn't pleasant to be in at all. of course every situation is different and more info would have helped.

cmriverside

I would say what I think. Except I am usually ready for whatever consequences that come.

I agree. Because there are really consequences for holding your tongue too. i.e., your friend is left thinking that it is ok to talk to you this way.

This. And this.
"We teach people how to treat us."

I'm in this camp.


Sometimes, I am struck mute by the things some people say, though. I'm internally trying to figure out if they were purposely being hurtful, if they are just clueless, or if I feel like arguing at the time. :laugh: Sometimes the good "comeback" doesn't happen until much later.

Maribel_1986

You could always write it out in great detail, then burn it, put it away to read it a month from now, or put it in a bottle and toss it into the ocean or river.

THe whole thing wasn't too dramatic, it just really pissed me off. This is happened before with this friend, and I've never said anything back. I think I'll let her know how I feel next time I see her.

I think you should let your friend know how she made you feel. I personally bite my tongue about 90% of the time, but when it's really bad I let the person know how they made me feel. Most of the time I will get an apology, but other times nothing.... I don't think you should let anyone walk all over you because it will only continue. I have dropped a lot of friends who have not been good friends to me and honestly I feel fine not having them in my life.

PonyTailedLoser

I usually regret what I don't say. So I say it and am prepared to defend it/deal with the reaction.

coliema

I always say what I want, saves me from regretting not saying anything after the fact.

78brownie_wechanged

People treat you how you allow them to treat you. Because you didn't check them, they feel they can do it again. Even if they didn't mean what they said at least the both of you have an understanding. I would have checked him/ her that night.

SerenaFisher

I would say what I think. Except I am usually ready for whatever consequences that come.

I agree. Because there are really consequences for holding your tongue too. i.e., your friend is left thinking that it is ok to talk to you this way.

This. And this.
"We teach people how to treat us."

I'm in this camp.

I am as well. Let's also not forget that you are still stewing and it was note worthy enough to post on a forum. Seems if it's forum worthy, it's friend worthy.

Hanfordrose

I had a friend that I knew for 60 years. Yes...from the first day of kindergarden, until we were both in 64 years old. She told everyone that we were best friends, but she also felt that she had the right to tell me how I should live my life and was highly critical of everything that I did. I watched her treat her mother and sisters in the same manner. I just chalked it up to "That's how she is...bossy and a know it all."

She let me know that she resented every good thing that happened to me, and seemed to feel that she deserved better than me. I actually went out of my way to bless her and her family, when I had money enough to help her, but she spent money foolishly and was always in debt.

Occasionally, I would stand up to her and say that I was going to do something...whether or not she approved; but I never just told her to leave me alone or be quiet. I also never told her what other people thought of her...including myself. Several people approached me to ask, "Why do you let her talk to you like that? She is not your friend."

Then, she went too far. She decided to interfer in my marriage. She went so far as to tell my husband to divorce me, because she didn't like our choice to move to another state...a place where she could not constantly 'put in her 2 cents' about everything we did in our life.

When we finally moved, I began getting hateful phone messages every day...blaming me for her problems...like I created her personal and financial problems. That's when my hubbie told me that she had tried to get him to divorce me and let me move...without him. She was married and didn't want my husband, but she didn't want me happy either. She wanted me miserable, because I had stepped away from her zone of control.

I didn't tell her off. I didn't call her back to cuss her out. I called the phone company, and a wonderful lady who worked for AT&T called her for me. She told my ex-friend a big fat lie. The phone lady actually told my ex-friend that she had the authority to cut off all of her phone services, if she used the phone to contact either myself or my husband at any time in the future.

I wasn't expect that, but the phone rep did me the best favor of my life. I have not had any more contact or rude phone calls since that day. Even my husband noticed that things got so much better, when this ex-friend was no longer a part of our lives.

Some people don't deserve your time, attention or friendship. That person is no friend. Just walk away. If they approach, tell them "I no long want your opinion or comments on my life. Good bye."