Is it better to respond or let it go?

moustache_flavored_lube

IF you do feel a need to respond I would recommend doing it in person or at least on a phone call.

Tone is so often misread, and things have a tendency to escalate much quicker when texting, emailing,. face-booking ....

Jerrypeoples

it really depends on who said it and what was said. i have plenty of friends but only 2-3 who i trust unconditionally to tell me when im being a jerk or @$$hole

i try not to live my life pleasing others and this can at times annoy people because i dont say what they want to hear but rather what i think is the truth or what i am thinking at any given moment

lesita75

People treat you how you allow them to treat you. Because you didn't check them, they feel they can do it again. Even if they didn't mean what they said at least the both of you have an understanding. I would have checked him/ her that night.

QFT

SoViLicious

Try to calm down. So lay low for a bit. Then when you are sure you can control how you approach this person, talk to them. But be ready because once you address it the doors open for confrontation.

I am an emotional chick, I normally lash out first then think later.

tpt1950

Why do people think that speaking up for yourself is taking a low road or bringing themselves "down to their level"? If someone has has been mean/nasty/rude, that is actually a form of abuse and why would anyone let that person's feelings mean more to them than their own by not saying something back ~ and not defend themselves. My opinion is you should always defend yourself if someone is being abusive, and it's perfectly okay to put them in their place ~ and by doing so, is in no way making you less of a person. What it does is show the abusive person that you are not a door mat.

kennethmgreen

I think twice about everything I say. Let the other person be the DILL WHOLE!!

I tend to go with the half pickle approach and speak my mind. That isn't always the best approach, and sometimes I regret not keeping my mouth shut. But I rarely stew about not saying something.

Everything we do has consequences - including saying/doing nothing. Doing nothing is still a decision that too many people default to (wrongly thinking inaction is safest).

I'm in the camp that we dictate how we want to be treated by how we act and what we say. I don't put unrealistic expectations on my relationships hoping they will "just know" or figure out how I'd like to be treated. If I'm invested in the relationship, it's worth honestly setting boundaries.

taso42

I almost always respond. Just like on the MFP forum.

perfectingpatti

When I was younger, I'd always respond instantly. As I've gotten older, I've learned to appreciate waiting to respond until it's not a reply based on raw emotions/feelings.

I'd be more specific if I knew what was said to you and the details.

metaphoria

"What you said the other day was hurtful. Did I do something to upset or offend you?" If they apologize, great. If they get angry and defensive, perhaps some distance between you is better.

MereExtraordinaire

Well, you can easily regret both, if you're not careful. Regretting you didn't say anything at all can be just as bad as saying something you regret. Can you find a road down the middle? Tell this friend that what she said had a big effect on you and that you're not happy about it. Hopefully, she can communicate with you as well as you are communicating with her, and the two of you can talk it out and she will apologize.

darrensurrey

A friend said something not so nice to me last night. I bit my tongue and let is pass, but been stewing about it all day, and wish I would have said something back to her about how she treated me. I also think maybe it was better that I did not respond and took the high road.

So, do you regret more what you wish you would have said or what was you did say?

If you reply back sharply, you can get into a real argument, tempers flaring. Probably burns about 50 calories an hour extra. An extra 300 calories an hour could be burnt if you exchange blows. Log it as kick boxing.

Taking the high road is the route to a happier, more peaceful life, though.

oh_em_gee

Respond civilly. It's ok to say that your feelings were hurt. For years, I avoided saying when I was hurt to keep the peace, and it's not good

Jessica_D_Shadow

I can get a bit hot headed when I'm in the moment and say things i want to say but perhaps shouldn't of haha..I do regret it once I have calmed down and thought about it though!! So i think that it's maybe better to sit and think and let your self calm down and if it still bothers you then perhaps politely go and say something

This. Don't argue in the heat of the moment. But DON'T let them walk all over you! I took that for most of my life. Now, I often lash out in anger because of the regression of it all. So, take a moment to think about what she said. Was it that bad? Is this the first time? Then if it still turns your tummy, go to the person and let them know they upset you. And that you don't expect that from them. Don't say anything mean, just say what they did to you. And if they shrug it off, then they aren't really a friend you should be bothered with.

-Jessica

kennethmgreen

I had a friend that I knew for 60 years. Yes...from the first day of kindergarden, until we were both in 64 years old. She told everyone that we were best friends, but she also felt that she had the right to tell me how I should live my life and was highly critical of everything that I did. I watched her treat her mother and sisters in the same manner. I just chalked it up to "That's how she is...bossy and a know it all."

She let me know that she resented every good thing that happened to me, and seemed to feel that she deserved better than me. I actually went out of my way to bless her and her family, when I had money enough to help her, but she spent money foolishly and was always in debt.

Occasionally, I would stand up to her and say that I was going to do something...whether or not she approved; but I never just told her to leave me alone or be quiet. I also never told her what other people thought of her...including myself. Several people approached me to ask, "Why do you let her talk to you like that? She is not your friend."

Then, she went too far. She decided to interfer in my marriage. She went so far as to tell my husband to divorce me, because she didn't like our choice to move to another state...a place where she could not constantly 'put in her 2 cents' about everything we did in our life.

When we finally moved, I began getting hateful phone messages every day...blaming me for her problems...like I created her personal and financial problems. That's when my hubbie told me that she had tried to get him to divorce me and let me move...without him. She was married and didn't want my husband, but she didn't want me happy either. She wanted me miserable, because I had stepped away from her zone of control.

I didn't tell her off. I didn't call her back to cuss her out. I called the phone company, and a wonderful lady who worked for AT&T called her for me. She told my ex-friend a big fat lie. The phone lady actually told my ex-friend that she had the authority to cut off all of her phone services, if she used the phone to contact either myself or my husband at any time in the future.

I wasn't expect that, but the phone rep did me the best favor of my life. I have not had any more contact or rude phone calls since that day. Even my husband noticed that things got so much better, when this ex-friend was no longer a part of our lives.

Some people don't deserve your time, attention or friendship. That person is no friend. Just walk away. If they approach, tell them "I no long want your opinion or comments on my life. Good bye."

I'm not sure this is what you intended, but this story is a great example of why it's important to set boundaries sooner rather than later. People will continue to treat you as you allow them to treat you. Sometimes that grows into a real problem.

I'm sorry your friend turned out to not be such a good friend. You were lucky to find a phone rep who would do what you couldn't do long ago. But it sounds like you could have stopped your friend's behavior decades ago - or ended the relationship. That's the lesson for me.

llstrength

I usually don't say anything, but I don't surround myself with rude or negative people. If someone is regularly hurtful than I take a good hard look at the relationship I have with him or her and consider whether they are a positive part of my life. If not, I slowly pull away and move on. It sounds harsh, but I'm not going to let anyone make the one life I have to live any less than happy.

haroon_awan

If a friend says it I would personally want an explanation. You don't need a negative person in your life. If you find yourself doing things and saying things positive and don't get much in the way of the same support you give, then it might be time to get some new friends.

Ask yourself this question: Are you a better friend to him/her than she is to you? Think about the answer and how you should respond.

If it's online, let it go!

MissJanet55

@hanfordrose, that is an amazing story. It's easy to forget how tyrannical close friendships can become, and they are very hard to walk away from.

OP, I have learned a lot about this from menopause. Due to insanely fluctuating hormones I've had to start asking myself if I'm really upset or if something else might be going on To know for sure I have to hold my tongue for a couple of days. If I'm still upset, I have the option to address it, and if I'm not I'm always glad I let it drop.

I think it's also worthwhile to ask myself what I want from this conversation. Do I want my friend to apologize? If so, am I fully prepared for that not to happen? It doesn't always go the way we imagine it will.

katevarner

I've been told that I'm "unfiltered". You can guess what that means. There are times, such as today, when it is best for me to keep my mouth shut!

I have always lacked a filter, and have ruined many relationships as a result. Luckily old age is mellowing me, altho with some it has the opposite effect.

OP, if you care about the relationship, talk it over with your friend.

Ewaldt

I wouldn't say anything, because I always regret it when I do. But that doesn't mean you should let them treat you that way! Possibly bring it up sometime when the two of you are in a good place, and there are no tensions?? I have found that the BEST fix for this situation is to run!! NOTHING vents better than blasting the ipod and taking off!!

Hanfordrose

I had a friend that I knew for 60 years. Yes...from the first day of kindergarden, until we were both in 64 years old. She told everyone that we were best friends, but she also felt that she had the right to tell me how I should live my life and was highly critical of everything that I did. I watched her treat her mother and sisters in the same manner. I just chalked it up to "That's how she is...bossy and a know it all."

She let me know that she resented every good thing that happened to me, and seemed to feel that she deserved better than me. I actually went out of my way to bless her and her family, when I had money enough to help her, but she spent money foolishly and was always in debt.

Occasionally, I would stand up to her and say that I was going to do something...whether or not she approved; but I never just told her to leave me alone or be quiet. I also never told her what other people thought of her...including myself. Several people approached me to ask, "Why do you let her talk to you like that? She is not your friend."

Then, she went too far. She decided to interfer in my marriage. She went so far as to tell my husband to divorce me, because she didn't like our choice to move to another state...a place where she could not constantly 'put in her 2 cents' about everything we did in our life.

When we finally moved, I began getting hateful phone messages every day...blaming me for her problems...like I created her personal and financial problems. That's when my hubbie told me that she had tried to get him to divorce me and let me move...without him. She was married and didn't want my husband, but she didn't want me happy either. She wanted me miserable, because I had stepped away from her zone of control.

I didn't tell her off. I didn't call her back to cuss her out. I called the phone company, and a wonderful lady who worked for AT&T called her for me. She told my ex-friend a big fat lie. The phone lady actually told my ex-friend that she had the authority to cut off all of her phone services, if she used the phone to contact either myself or my husband at any time in the future.

I wasn't expect that, but the phone rep did me the best favor of my life. I have not had any more contact or rude phone calls since that day. Even my husband noticed that things got so much better, when this ex-friend was no longer a part of our lives.

Some people don't deserve your time, attention or friendship. That person is no friend. Just walk away. If they approach, tell them "I no long want your opinion or comments on my life. Good bye."

I'm not sure this is what you intended, but this story is a great example of why it's important to set boundaries sooner rather than later. People will continue to treat you as you allow them to treat you. Sometimes that grows into a real problem.

I'm sorry your friend turned out to not be such a good friend. You were lucky to find a phone rep who would do what you couldn't do long ago. But it sounds like you could have stopped your friend's behavior decades ago - or ended the relationship. That's the lesson for me.

Sorry, I couldn't get back sooner...computer problem.

Yes...You got the point. Being a door mat for someone else is NOT healthy. It leads to resentment, low self esteem and a fear of never being good enough. I let my 'friend' become my worst enemy, because I didn't defend myself. Years of her abuse was no better than being a 'well developed victim'. It wasn't until I was free of her that I could see the damage that had been done.

Would I take her back into my life, if she asked me to forgive her? No. I could forgive her; but I am much healthier emotionally and even physically, because she is NOT in my life...and (most importantly) in my marriage. Sometimes, you just have to walk away from individuals who bring you down.

LetsMakeupXtina

if its truly "a friend" then you should be able to discuss anything, including how what they said made you feel/upset you.

kennethmgreen

Sorry, I couldn't get back sooner...computer problem.

Yes...You got the point. Being a door mat for someone else is NOT healthy. It leads to resentment, low self esteem and a fear of never being good enough. I let my 'friend' become my worst enemy, because I didn't defend myself. Years of her abuse was no better than being a 'well developed victim'. It wasn't until I was free of her that I could see the damage that had been done.

Would I take her back into my life, if she asked me to forgive her? No. I could forgive her; but I am much healthier emotionally and even physically, because she is NOT in my life...and (most importantly) in my marriage. Sometimes, you just have to walk away from individuals who bring you down.

Agree with you completely. I also really like that you point out something important I see a lot of people miss: forgiveness is different than acceptance. You can forgive your friend, but you would not allow her back into your life again.

For me, the healthiest approach is keeping forgiveness and acceptance separate. I can forgive someone to let go of the resentment, get rid of the anger that is poisoning me, get my head straight. Then I can address the question of continuing the relationship or not. Different choices, different mindsets.

Cindy873

I have more regrets about things that I don't say. I tend to hold things in - it's always been my nature. I bite my tongue with everyone...family, friends, co-workers, strangers. There have been many times that I have really regretted it.

Dudagarcia

Sometimes I will let it slide but I think of what I want to say and say it at the proper time.

Hanfordrose

I have more regrets about things that I don't say. I tend to hold things in - it's always been my nature. I bite my tongue with everyone...family, friends, co-workers, strangers. There have been many times that I have really regretted it.

Something that I have learned only recently is a simply, little trick. Say "Ouch.", when someone says words that hurt you. You don't have to yell it at them, just speak the word...ouch.

Even if they don't acknowledge it, that person will hear it. Some folks even ask, "Why did you say 'ouch'?" That is the time for you to say, "Your comment hurt me."

A friend will think...reevaluate...their remark. They might even apologize. The others...oh, well...they can move on. At least, you had the opportunity to let them know that you were wounded by their comment. That helps you to also acknowledge yourself as deserving of better treatment.