Is it better to respond or let it go?

acogg

You might want to ask her WHY she said what she said. She may have a perfectly reasonable answer and one that you hadn't thought of.

brokenjawedmuse

A friend said something not so nice to me last night. I bit my tongue and let is pass, but been stewing about it all day, and wish I would have said something back to her about how she treated me. I also think maybe it was better that I did not respond and took the high road.

So, do you regret more what you wish you would have said or what was you did say?

It depends. If it strikes me as a lack of respect, I'll call him/her on the carpet for it. If it was TRULY a mistake, they'll apologize. If not....not much of a friend.

Clearly, it's a big enough deal for you to still be stewing about it.

xHelloQuincyx

my opinion- respond. People who don't communicate arnt going to work together and I dont let others take advantage of me. If someone is bringing me down they arnt my friend. as silly as it sounds, ive been there and done that. I only have one friend now with whom cares deeply about me and my hubby and would chop off her arm for me. This is what works- for me- id rather not even deal with friends who are crap its not worth my time or sanity. if it was a misunderstanding the only way to find that out is to talk about it. I like to switch it back on them example: "hmm.. some people would never say anything like that to someones face, but I admire your desire to be upfront with me- unfortunately we will have to agree to disagree." or i just mention something about not wanting that type of negativity in my life and change the subject.

also i don't believe it is the high rode to let her have that much power over you and your emotions. Either move on from it and get rid of those feelings, or confront her/ email her/ write her a letter expressing how she made you feel. When people inject snide comments like that they usually see your response and push that in the future (in my experiences anyway). usually resulting in you realizing that you don't actually like that person about a year later...

to everyone saying ignore it.. do people in relationships who ignore things that make them feel like crap 'taking the high rode'? I dont think so. I think they need to stand up for themselves before they are walked all over and disrespected into an unhealthy relationship that isn't pleasant to be in at all. of course every situation is different and more info would have helped.

cmriverside

I would say what I think. Except I am usually ready for whatever consequences that come.

I agree. Because there are really consequences for holding your tongue too. i.e., your friend is left thinking that it is ok to talk to you this way.

This. And this.
"We teach people how to treat us."

I'm in this camp.


Sometimes, I am struck mute by the things some people say, though. I'm internally trying to figure out if they were purposely being hurtful, if they are just clueless, or if I feel like arguing at the time. :laugh: Sometimes the good "comeback" doesn't happen until much later.

Maribel_1986

You could always write it out in great detail, then burn it, put it away to read it a month from now, or put it in a bottle and toss it into the ocean or river.

THe whole thing wasn't too dramatic, it just really pissed me off. This is happened before with this friend, and I've never said anything back. I think I'll let her know how I feel next time I see her.

I think you should let your friend know how she made you feel. I personally bite my tongue about 90% of the time, but when it's really bad I let the person know how they made me feel. Most of the time I will get an apology, but other times nothing.... I don't think you should let anyone walk all over you because it will only continue. I have dropped a lot of friends who have not been good friends to me and honestly I feel fine not having them in my life.

PonyTailedLoser

I usually regret what I don't say. So I say it and am prepared to defend it/deal with the reaction.

coliema

I always say what I want, saves me from regretting not saying anything after the fact.

78brownie_wechanged

People treat you how you allow them to treat you. Because you didn't check them, they feel they can do it again. Even if they didn't mean what they said at least the both of you have an understanding. I would have checked him/ her that night.

SerenaFisher

I would say what I think. Except I am usually ready for whatever consequences that come.

I agree. Because there are really consequences for holding your tongue too. i.e., your friend is left thinking that it is ok to talk to you this way.

This. And this.
"We teach people how to treat us."

I'm in this camp.

I am as well. Let's also not forget that you are still stewing and it was note worthy enough to post on a forum. Seems if it's forum worthy, it's friend worthy.

Hanfordrose

I had a friend that I knew for 60 years. Yes...from the first day of kindergarden, until we were both in 64 years old. She told everyone that we were best friends, but she also felt that she had the right to tell me how I should live my life and was highly critical of everything that I did. I watched her treat her mother and sisters in the same manner. I just chalked it up to "That's how she is...bossy and a know it all."

She let me know that she resented every good thing that happened to me, and seemed to feel that she deserved better than me. I actually went out of my way to bless her and her family, when I had money enough to help her, but she spent money foolishly and was always in debt.

Occasionally, I would stand up to her and say that I was going to do something...whether or not she approved; but I never just told her to leave me alone or be quiet. I also never told her what other people thought of her...including myself. Several people approached me to ask, "Why do you let her talk to you like that? She is not your friend."

Then, she went too far. She decided to interfer in my marriage. She went so far as to tell my husband to divorce me, because she didn't like our choice to move to another state...a place where she could not constantly 'put in her 2 cents' about everything we did in our life.

When we finally moved, I began getting hateful phone messages every day...blaming me for her problems...like I created her personal and financial problems. That's when my hubbie told me that she had tried to get him to divorce me and let me move...without him. She was married and didn't want my husband, but she didn't want me happy either. She wanted me miserable, because I had stepped away from her zone of control.

I didn't tell her off. I didn't call her back to cuss her out. I called the phone company, and a wonderful lady who worked for AT&T called her for me. She told my ex-friend a big fat lie. The phone lady actually told my ex-friend that she had the authority to cut off all of her phone services, if she used the phone to contact either myself or my husband at any time in the future.

I wasn't expect that, but the phone rep did me the best favor of my life. I have not had any more contact or rude phone calls since that day. Even my husband noticed that things got so much better, when this ex-friend was no longer a part of our lives.

Some people don't deserve your time, attention or friendship. That person is no friend. Just walk away. If they approach, tell them "I no long want your opinion or comments on my life. Good bye."

moustache_flavored_lube

IF you do feel a need to respond I would recommend doing it in person or at least on a phone call.

Tone is so often misread, and things have a tendency to escalate much quicker when texting, emailing,. face-booking ....

Jerrypeoples

it really depends on who said it and what was said. i have plenty of friends but only 2-3 who i trust unconditionally to tell me when im being a jerk or @$$hole

i try not to live my life pleasing others and this can at times annoy people because i dont say what they want to hear but rather what i think is the truth or what i am thinking at any given moment

lesita75

People treat you how you allow them to treat you. Because you didn't check them, they feel they can do it again. Even if they didn't mean what they said at least the both of you have an understanding. I would have checked him/ her that night.

QFT

SoViLicious

Try to calm down. So lay low for a bit. Then when you are sure you can control how you approach this person, talk to them. But be ready because once you address it the doors open for confrontation.

I am an emotional chick, I normally lash out first then think later.

tpt1950

Why do people think that speaking up for yourself is taking a low road or bringing themselves "down to their level"? If someone has has been mean/nasty/rude, that is actually a form of abuse and why would anyone let that person's feelings mean more to them than their own by not saying something back ~ and not defend themselves. My opinion is you should always defend yourself if someone is being abusive, and it's perfectly okay to put them in their place ~ and by doing so, is in no way making you less of a person. What it does is show the abusive person that you are not a door mat.

kennethmgreen

I think twice about everything I say. Let the other person be the DILL WHOLE!!

I tend to go with the half pickle approach and speak my mind. That isn't always the best approach, and sometimes I regret not keeping my mouth shut. But I rarely stew about not saying something.

Everything we do has consequences - including saying/doing nothing. Doing nothing is still a decision that too many people default to (wrongly thinking inaction is safest).

I'm in the camp that we dictate how we want to be treated by how we act and what we say. I don't put unrealistic expectations on my relationships hoping they will "just know" or figure out how I'd like to be treated. If I'm invested in the relationship, it's worth honestly setting boundaries.

taso42

I almost always respond. Just like on the MFP forum.

perfectingpatti

When I was younger, I'd always respond instantly. As I've gotten older, I've learned to appreciate waiting to respond until it's not a reply based on raw emotions/feelings.

I'd be more specific if I knew what was said to you and the details.

metaphoria

"What you said the other day was hurtful. Did I do something to upset or offend you?" If they apologize, great. If they get angry and defensive, perhaps some distance between you is better.

MereExtraordinaire

Well, you can easily regret both, if you're not careful. Regretting you didn't say anything at all can be just as bad as saying something you regret. Can you find a road down the middle? Tell this friend that what she said had a big effect on you and that you're not happy about it. Hopefully, she can communicate with you as well as you are communicating with her, and the two of you can talk it out and she will apologize.