Marriage: Lasting or Not?

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Davina_JH
Davina_JH Posts: 473 Member
in Chit-Chat
I wanted to ask a question for a friend... Obviously this is a fitness site but I spend all my time on here and thought maybe some people would have some input. Thank you :smile:
Has anyone been through rough years in your marriage? Did you make it through? How do you know if it's going to last? How long do you work at it without seeing a change before you decide enough is enough?
Thanks again:flowerforyou:
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Replies

  • Vain_Witch
    Vain_Witch Posts: 476 Member
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    I worked through about 4 rough years of a 6 year marriage. I truly do believe that any couple can make it if they communicate, maintain trust and try to fix their problems. I finally had to leave, though, when it became apparent that I was the only one trying and the only one communicating...honestly, trust had gone out the window a long time before that, though (my ex could win an award for some of the lies he told me...lol). To me, the final straw was when my ex quit marriage counseling and then lied about finding his own counselor.
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
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    Yup.

    You never just make it though. Everything changes and you really need to look at yourselves and what you really want in life before endeavoring to continue or not. It takes a lot of understanding and forgiveness in many cases. But, it can work.

    Good luck.
  • NotThatEZ
    NotThatEZ Posts: 19
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    If you've ever been married, I find it hard to not have gone through some problems. That's just what happens when two people combine lives and try to live as one. I've been married for the past 7 years. We've had plenty of highs and lows. Both my wife and I have had thoughts about calling it quits. But the thing about marriage, and loving someone, is that you have to be willing to fight for it. Like Punky said, communication is key. If you can't talk about your problems, and work them out, the stresses will just build up until someone can't take it anymore. Just remember why you fell in love to begin with
  • Charles4Jesus
    Charles4Jesus Posts: 89 Member
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    This May My Wonderful wife and I will have been married 14 yrs. During the 5-7 yr stretch, we went through a rough patch. I wouldn't necessarily say we "worked it out". She got down on her knees and asked the Good Lord for help, and he called Since I've been BORN AGAIN, our marriage has grown stronger and stronger. We believe marriage takes three. We are best friends now and I love more now than I ever have. That's my 2 cents, you can take it for what it's worth. I not pushing my beliefs on anyone. That is what worked for us.
  • whitehairedguy64
    whitehairedguy64 Posts: 105
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    2nd marriage in my 36th year. Got married the first time for all the wrong reasons at too young an age. I didn't think so at the time, but maturity had a lot to do with it. Divorced 4 years alter.

    Got married the 2nd time on a rebound from the divorce of my firest marriage. BIG mistake. Got married by a JP. Knew when I was standing in front of the JP I was making a mistake and did it anyway.

    This is a very long, and sad story. I married a woman who had four kids. I adopted all four of them. Shortly after marriage things started to turn sour. Attempted to divorce 12 years after getting married. Was emotionally beaten into submission and reconciled. BIG mistake, should have held my ground and gotten the divorce. Made a half hearted attempt at divorce 5 years ago. Agreed to go to counseling, for the 4th time.

    At this point in my life, a dvorce would be financial suicide. What's the price of happiness???

    Bottom line is when considering marriage, make absolutely sure of what you're doing, take you time, and really get to know the person you're intending to marry. There are some good books that deal with conversations two people should have prior to marriage. I suggest reading those books and having those conversations.

    Last, if you have ANY doubts, DON'T get married.
  • Davina_JH
    Davina_JH Posts: 473 Member
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    Thanks everyone. She has been in counseling herself for two years and they both just started marriage counseling together. She is hoping to see growth in him as she herself has grown immensely in those past two years. He says he is happy with who he is though, which makes it hard.
  • Davina_JH
    Davina_JH Posts: 473 Member
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    She says religion has been playing a huge part for her...He hasn't grasped it yet.
  • SteveJWatson
    SteveJWatson Posts: 1,225 Member
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    Women mary men hoping they'll change

    Men marry women hoping they'll stay the same
  • 5ftnFun
    5ftnFun Posts: 948 Member
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    Married 30 yrs and counting. We've been through it all! "Through sickness and in health"...yep...."For richer or poorer"...hell yes!...."for better or worse"...you bet. Some may say we are one of the lucky ones who made it. I say we work hard at it. I understand that some marriages just can't be, but I think too many couples throw in the towel too soon. Again, I reiterate, I get that some marriages just cannot be allowed to continue. We sometimes argue & fight, have silent spells, but eventually we work it out. Secret? I don't know if there is just one thing. I do know one thing though, we both have the attitude that "I ain't a leavin' you babe". Works for us.
  • april1445
    april1445 Posts: 334
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    I think some marriages can be worked on, but some marriages are beyond help. I believe that once you reach the point where either party feels contempt for the other, you are beyond "working it out". Thank Goodness there's divorce.
  • mminor77
    mminor77 Posts: 313
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    I worked through about 4 rough years of a 6 year marriage. I truly do believe that any couple can make it if they communicate, maintain trust and try to fix their problems. I finally had to leave, though, when it became apparent that I was the only one trying and the only one communicating...honestly, trust had gone out the window a long time before that, though (my ex could win an award for some of the lies he told me...lol). To me, the final straw was when my ex quit marriage counseling and then lied about finding his own counselor.

    ^^^ This! We must have been with a cloned version of the same loser... except mine refused to go to counseling and we were only together for 3 years. Lies, cheating, lies and more cheating. While I was home with our new baby who has had health issues since birth he was out ruining our marriage and lives. Then when he had enough of us "interfering in his private life" (his words not mine) he packed me and our 1 year old up and drove us 1200 miles away to my parents house and dumped us on their doorstep instead. He was just pure awesome manliness on so many levels.
    Although I do have to say that he has been good about financially supporting her. His friends found out what he did and made him realize what a piece of garbage he was so now he feels really guilty. He hasnt seen or talked to her in almost a year but he makes payments on time like she's a car payment or mortgage... :grumble:

    Edit to say: I always thought Id be one of the people that celebrated their 50th anniversary together but unfortunately it seems I have poor taste in men. As pitiful as it sounds I was the one in both marriages (first one was 12 years) to do whatever it took to make it work because I wanted to try to hold the family together. It took a toll on my self esteem and mental and physical well being putting up with what they put me through. Unless you see that they really want to change and work at it and make a difference in the relationship dont waste your time. It wont change. Dont wait till they put you through so much crap then dump you like your garbage. Im all for working things out but there is definitely a point where enough is enough.
  • Manda86
    Manda86 Posts: 1,859 Member
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    tumblr_mf15dfkHGc1rzltfto1_500.gif


    ... is what bwings us togethaa todaaay.

    Marriage is hard, no bones about it. I am finding that the amount of work you put into it correlates to the amount of enjoyment you derive from it, however. Successful marriage is not a spectator sport.

    There are certainly more factors to it's longevity than reciprocal effort, but knowing that your partner wants (and is actively trying) to make your marriage work lays important groundwork for the rest, in my opinion.

    As someone mentioned previously, having rough patches is part of being married, because no one gets married and stays the exact same - we evolve (or devolve - :laugh:) into different people, we grow closer together and then farther apart, there is an ebb and flow to the lovey dovey feelings. One thing I can say from personal experience, though, is that although my husband and I have gone through some very trying times, there has always been that framework of love and loyalty underlying it all. And that, for us, is enough to hold it together.
  • curvynblonde
    curvynblonde Posts: 170 Member
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    In august it will be my 3rd anniversary to my best bud, but it's been constant roughness for us since right before the wedding, mostly dealing with his ex wife. And we fight, not alot but boy they are good when we do.
    He's an *kitten* and so am I though so it works for us lol. We kiss and make up.
  • 5ftnFun
    5ftnFun Posts: 948 Member
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    She says religion has been playing a huge part for her...He hasn't grasped it yet.

    I'm not sure exactly what this means. I go to church, my husband doesn't. I pray, read my Bible, and sometimes watch "Church TV". He doesn't. I believe my faith is for ME. I know that there are people who feel that they have to be someone who feels & practices their faith the way they do. Tradition and what not. For ME personally, it's not an issue. Now, if he were to start making fun of my faith, try to stop me from going to church or otherwise interfere, then I would definitely have a problem with that. But he respects me enough to let me do what I need to do spiritually.
  • Davina_JH
    Davina_JH Posts: 473 Member
    Options
    I worked through about 4 rough years of a 6 year marriage. I truly do believe that any couple can make it if they communicate, maintain trust and try to fix their problems. I finally had to leave, though, when it became apparent that I was the only one trying and the only one communicating...honestly, trust had gone out the window a long time before that, though (my ex could win an award for some of the lies he told me...lol). To me, the final straw was when my ex quit marriage counseling and then lied about finding his own counselor.

    ^^^ This! We must have been with a cloned version of the same loser... except mine refused to go to counseling and we were only together for 3 years. Lies, cheating, lies and more cheating. While I was home with our new baby who has had health issues since birth he was out ruining our marriage and lives. Then when he had enough of us "interfering in his private life" (his words not mine) he packed me and our 1 year old up and drove us 1200 miles away to my parents house and dumped us on their doorstep instead. He was just pure awesome manliness on so many levels.
    Although I do have to say that he has been good about financially supporting her. His friends found out what he did and made him realize what a piece of garbage he was so now he feels really guilty. He hasnt seen or talked to her in almost a year but he makes payments on time like she's a car payment or mortgage... :grumble:
    Wow!! So sorry to hear that!!! Glad you have everything together now. :heart:
  • KenosFeoh
    KenosFeoh Posts: 1,837 Member
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    Going on 36 years here, and yes - we had rough times a-plenty. We even separated to consider divorce a few times. But it always turned out that being apart was less comfortable than being together, so we reconciled. We saw a counselor a couple of times, and it helped us sort out the issues we were afraid to talk about.
  • Vain_Witch
    Vain_Witch Posts: 476 Member
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    Women mary men hoping they'll change

    Men marry women hoping they'll stay the same

    Sadly, there's some truth to this...I didn't marry my ex hoping he'd change, but we'd been together since I was 16 so I just assumed he'd grow up with me. He didn't. He assumed I'd stay the same girl he always knew. I didn't. I grew up.
  • ScatteredThoughts
    ScatteredThoughts Posts: 3,562 Member
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    She says religion has been playing a huge part for her...He hasn't grasped it yet.

    I'm not sure exactly what this means. I go to church, my husband doesn't. I pray, read my Bible, and sometimes watch "Church TV". He doesn't. I believe my faith is for ME. I know that there are people who feel that they have to be someone who feels & practices their faith the way they do. Tradition and what not. For ME personally, it's not an issue. Now, if he were to start making fun of my faith, try to stop me from going to church or otherwise interfere, then I would definitely have a problem with that. But he respects me enough to let me do what I need to do spiritually.

    Similar situation here. My wife is Catholic, and I am an Atheist. We've been married 23 years. Yes, there have been a number of rough patches, but we do our best to work through them, even though it can be tough.
  • Dawnymaries
    Dawnymaries Posts: 109
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    BOTH people need to work hard to get through. If just one person is trying, it's useless. Do everything you can to make the other person understand what needs to happen to make it work.
  • Green_eyed_beauty
    Green_eyed_beauty Posts: 101 Member
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    Women mary men hoping they'll change

    Men marry women hoping they'll stay the same

    Sadly, there's some truth to this...I didn't marry my ex hoping he'd change, but we'd been together since I was 16 so I just assumed he'd grow up with me. He didn't. He assumed I'd stay the same girl he always knew. I didn't. I grew up.

    Exactly the same thing happened to me!!

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