About to explode! (A vent)
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Your environment is not healthy. No one should feel like that over a long period of time. Find a person whom is qualified to help you with your struggles. Look for work, maybe an animal shelter since you seem fond of caring for many animals. That being said 7 is too many, especially when you don't have the time nor space. You will feel better and do better for the animals by dumbing down to 2.0
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You make dinner for your mother. Make your own dinner if she eats differently than you do. Otherwise, make something nice and just say "I made dinner tonight." If she doesn't like it, she can do her own. But every night, make your mom something, especially knowing what she's going through.
You and your fiance take care of some chores. Forget what everyone else says. Don't let that become a crutch. Just do it, and don't ask permission first.
And yes, if it's possible, re-home some of your pets. I know some are more attached than others to their humans, and it's not always possible. But yeah - 7's a lot and you're really overstepping by having so many in a home that is not just yours.0 -
i feel stuck, overwhelmed, and angry. im doing my best to keep up the activity so i dont shut down or snap.
but im getting really tired.
Yeah, I find the best way to give advice to someone who is admittedly about to shut down or snap is to be condescending and judgemental.0 -
From my previous experience ( 20 years and one ex husband ago) I can say it is EXTREMLY difficult for two adult women to share a household.
My ex and I had to live briefly with his Mom and we both wanted to rule the roost. But I respected her rules,bit my tongue and got out asap.0 -
Why doesn't your fiance live with his parents? Or on his own if he purchased and qualified for financing for a $30,000 truck?
This doesn't add up.0 -
TBH, if one of my parents was that overwhelmed, and my question when they walked in was, "what are you making me for dinner?", well, I'd expect some flack in return, to say the least
That's not what she said. She said the decision her mom has to make when asked "What do you want for dinner" causes her to have a meltdown. I read it that the OP is the one offering to make or get dinner, but just asks what her mom wants.0 -
What are you going to do with those animals long term? If you rent an apartment, no way 7 animals will work.0
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TBH, if one of my parents was that overwhelmed, and my question when they walked in was, "what are you making me for dinner?", well, I'd expect some flack in return, to say the least
That's not what she said. She said the decision her mom has to make when asked "What do you want for dinner" causes her to have a meltdown. I read it that the OP is the one offering to make or get dinner, but just asks what her mom wants.
Oh, ok. I guess I misunderstood0 -
To be fair, the OP has stated that 3 of the pets belong to her mother. That still leaves 4 that belong to the OP, including a new addition. Way too many to have a peaceful household, IMO.0
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If you love your pets, they are expensive, but they are also family - I get that, I have a dog and she is my whole entire world!!!
DO NOT EVER LET ANYONE PUT YOU DOWN FOR BEING AN ANIMAL LOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd finish but I have a meeting... good luck and tell your mom to get her S*it together
This. I have three cats and would never, ever give up my animals. They are family and have no way of fending for themselves - therefore, I must take care of them.
Do not give them up. As long as you are able to responsibly care for them, they are yours.0 -
If you guys are getting married, have you figured out a financial plan for getting out of that house? Maybe it's time you got some professional help for your money woes. I think you should consider seeing a financial adviser and setting up some saving/spending objectives. Especially for the wedding.
As for your personal issues with the mom, maybe work out a schedule or something. She's your roommate/landlord now. You're too grownup to be asking where your dinner is. Set some expectations and contingency plans.
I think this I agree with this guy, planning and setting rules together PLUS living by them is REALLY important in crisis situation - with your boyfriend and with your parents.
Best of luck to you!0 -
Both my kids moved out at 18. However...one had saved since she was 16 so that she could, and the other one had a full ride scholarship, then joined the military when he found he was bored by college. They were ready to be independent pretty early on, and I'm grateful for that.
I wouldn't mind a bit if either one chose to move back in, but I don't think it's going to happen for more than a few weeks at a time here and there between moves (each has a year's worth of salary in the bank). So in some ways, I can't really relate to what's going on here; if either were to move in, I know they wouldn't stay long.
From a mom's perspective: It sounds like your mom is stressed at work and now stressed at home. You may need to give your mom some quiet time free of pets. Someone other than your mom needs to have dinner on the stove and clean up afterwards; I know how tired I get and how many years of stress I had after my divorce and how hard it was to hold everything together...but my kids were pretty good at making things OK when I got home (no major messes and they made dinner every now and then). She likely needs at least one clean, quiet room in which to relax. Even when I was working long hours (and sometimes two jobs), if I could go home and have a place I could close the door and feel comfortable, I was OK.
From a financial perspective (and from someone who was previously married to a spendthrift who ruined our finances): Someone needs to be in charge of your finances, and if your fiance is spending money on things you don't need, then it's going to have to be you, and you may very well have to be b*tchy about it until that stops (my daughter had to whip her husband into shape over money; when they married, he was 30K in debt while she had money in savings...7 years later, everything is paid off but their mortgage, and they each have a newish car which they paid for in cash with no help from me or his family). If he can't get his act together, then maybe this marriage is not for you unless you want to be in debt all your life (and I'm not being mean here, but that was my first marriage, always in debt and always stressed).
I hope for the best for all of you, but it sounds like you are all ready to explode. You can't make minor changes here and expect miracles; you're all going to have to revamp your coping methods.0 -
Did you guys work out a plan when you got engaged as to how it was going to be financed? Or it was more of the romantic notion of "we love each other so let's do it?"0
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To be fair, the OP has stated that 3 of the pets belong to her mother. That still leaves 4 that belong to the OP, including a new addition. Way too many to have a peaceful household, IMO.
I wouldn't find having that many pets peaceful, either, but I know some people who find it very peaceful, calming, and loving to be surrounded by pets.0 -
Pare pets down to 2-3, there's lots of kindhearted people such as yourself willing to take on new fur babies. They're a financial strain on you that you don't need, and if you take any more in you're bordering on animal hoarding.
Sell the truck, get a cheaper one. $30k is absolutely absurd for your financial situation. Sounds like your fiancé needs to grow up. I've had really excellent cars I've gotten for $4k in the past, surely someone has a decently presentable running truck for a similar amount.
Your living situation sucks but you're allowing yourself to accept it as your reality instead of making it a priority to move out. You can't help that your mom is a doormat at work but you're honestly treating her like one living out of her home, even if you are helping with groceries and such. In return everyone else treats you the same way because you let them.
You and your fiancé should find a cheap apartment to rent, that will absolutely mean getting rid of some animals as most places that even accept them will only allow 1-2.
Remember that you are in control of your destiny. Yes you have responsibilities but ultimately it's up to your own initiative to change the way things are. Good luck.0 -
Oh, it's so tempting but.....
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i think i misworded- im the chef30,000 truck so my fiance could get to his job.
:noway:
My husband has a $10k truck and gets to work just fine.
Sounds like you should evaluate wants vs. needs
No one needs to be picking up strays when they can't afford em.
Bingo! Priorities
I agree but it's spilled milk at this point. And maybe there's a reason for it. Either way, what's done is done.
If you guys are getting married, have you figured out a financial plan for getting out of that house? Maybe it's time you got some professional help for your money woes. I think you should consider seeing a financial adviser and setting up some saving/spending objectives. Especially for the wedding.
As for your personal issues with the mom, maybe work out a schedule or something. She's your roommate/landlord now. You're too grownup to be asking where your dinner is. Set some expectations and contingency plans.
I don't think you're going to find any sympathy on MFP. But you will get some tough advice and perspective. Good luck.
I do all the cooking, 90% of the cleaning, and all the pet care. when i ask whats for dinner-its so i can cook what is wanted0 -
just curious as to why one would need a $30K truck to get to work?
sell the truck
move out
if boyfriend isnt on board with this plan then you might want to reconsider your relationship status. do you want to be married to a boy or a man?
This! There's no way in hell I'd accept a proposal from a man who had no house/apartment/place to live and would be moving in with my family. Not cool. Get it sorted, if you're old enough to get married (you're only 22, I'd put it waaaay off if I were you but whatever) then you're certainly old enough to do out a budget, save, earn more, rehouse some pets and get your own place.
This.0 -
seriously........if you feel like you are grown up enough to be married then you need to move outta your mommies house.
Because that's feasible for everyone in this economy.0 -
seriously........if you feel like you are grown up enough to be married then you need to move outta your mommies house.
Because that's feasible for everyone in this economy.
YAY!! The sunshine has arrived!! :drinker:0 -
If you love your pets, they are expensive, but they are also family - I get that, I have a dog and she is my whole entire world!!!
DO NOT EVER LET ANYONE PUT YOU DOWN FOR BEING AN ANIMAL LOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd finish but I have a meeting... good luck and tell your mom to get her S*it together
This. I have three cats and would never, ever give up my animals. They are family and have no way of fending for themselves - therefore, I must take care of them.
Do not give them up. As long as you are able to responsibly care for them, they are yours.
I like my cats more than I like 99% of people. But, what will happen when she's looking for a rental is a valid concern, as are the feelings of the people that owns the house she lives in0 -
Because that's feasible for everyone in this economy.
Somebody already beat that drum, but
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Because that's feasible for everyone in this economy.
Somebody already beat that drum, but
Oh, right. Only one post per opinion per thread. Ok. Guess the thread is over.0 -
If you love your pets, they are expensive, but they are also family - I get that, I have a dog and she is my whole entire world!!!
DO NOT EVER LET ANYONE PUT YOU DOWN FOR BEING AN ANIMAL LOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd finish but I have a meeting... good luck and tell your mom to get her S*it together
This. I have three cats and would never, ever give up my animals. They are family and have no way of fending for themselves - therefore, I must take care of them.
Do not give them up. As long as you are able to responsibly care for them, they are yours.
I like my cats more than I like 99% of people. But, what will happen when she's looking for a rental is a valid concern, as are the feelings of the people that owns the house she lives in
Exactly this. There aren't a lot of apartments out there that actually allow pets and for valid reasons.0 -
seriously........if you feel like you are grown up enough to be married then you need to move outta your mommies house.
Because that's feasible for everyone in this economy.
No, it's not, and I don't think that anyone has said it is. But, if you want to live by your own rules with your fiancé and a mini menagerie, it may be a necessary prerequisite0 -
maybe he should move out for a little while and back with his parents until you both save up enough to get married an get your own place together, and you could split up the animals, he takes some to his house and you keep some at yours. im sure your mom would be a lot nicer to you if he wasnt there and you guys would be able to see eachother in a not so stressful situation. this time with your mom is important because once you move out and get married your goin to miss her. try n spend some time with your mom with out him there n see him outside your house. that way you two can just focus on saving up to move out an get married. and if i would him i would sell that truck if he can and get a cheaper used car and put the rest of the money toward your savings for a house0
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Oh, right. Only one post per opinion per thread. Ok. Guess the thread is over.
I'll see you to the door.
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seriously........if you feel like you are grown up enough to be married then you need to move outta your mommies house.
Because that's feasible for everyone in this economy.
No, it's not, and I don't think that anyone has said it is. But, if you want to live by your own rules with your fiancé and a mini menagerie, it may be a necessary prerequisite
Not arguing that point. I still can't wrap my head around the $30,000 truck purchase.0 -
seriously........if you feel like you are grown up enough to be married then you need to move outta your mommies house.
Because that's feasible for everyone in this economy.
There's HUD housing which is affordable for anyone or low income housing. And no, not all low income and HUD housing is inhabited by crack heads and hookers. When I moved out the apartment I got was low income housing and it was in a great neighborhood and the apartment was gorgeous. My rent was based on how much I made and it was very low and affordable. Regardless of the economy there are housing options out there for people who don't make a lot of money. And if you read her post they both have jobs.0 -
Let me say-the truck is due to him having used, $2000-3000 vehicles that were always breaking down. we saved for months and traded a broken down car to make payments. he travels a lot-we needed a wareanty and something 100% reliable.
The animals are going nowhere. We live with mom-and she would likely skin my hide for getting rid of them too. to me, its like suggesting giving up my choldren due to finance issues.
we are saving, building credit, and actively looking for oir own place. the pets dont cost $40/month alltogether. like i said, we pay utilities, groceries, etc.
i cook, clean, and care. i make sure everyone is fed a homemade meal and has clean work clothes. i keep the pets bathed, walked, traoned, snd keep litterboxes clean. i dont hesitate to offer my money to pay for someones gas who is struggling, and my mom and fiance are the same way.
we are looking at remodeling because we live here-we want to make it ours too. right now the house still has hurricane damage-id rather stay longer and leave my mom with a nice house than get out and leave it in the condition its in-even if that means we stay longer.
i wasnt wanting advice but di really appreciate every bit of it. im just stretched thin (we all are) and starting to panic over the day-to-days.
its just one of those days where nothing is working and i cant figure out how to fix it begore it stresses my mom or fiance out.0
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