My wife hates my weight loss
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It sounds like she wants to lose weight but doesn't want to put in the effort. You said you mentioned being supportive if she decided to lose weight, have you asked her if she would like your help. Maybe you should suggest doing stuff together.
If my husband looked at me and said "I am enjoying what I am doing, but the only thing I don't like about it is I wish I could do more with you" then I would at least try. She may "hate" your weight loss because it is an activity that she feels excluded from. She may be subconsciously fearing you will leave her if you look better. If you look better you will want a better looking woman. You should make sure she knows you love her and only her.
I think this is pretty close to her mindset. I love my wife dearly, but if she has a character flaw to work on, it would be that she gives up on things if they are not easy and don't provide instant results. As most of us on this site know, that just isn't the way it works.
She is not subconsciously fearing I will leave her if I look better, she states it outright. I assure her as much as I can that this is not the case and I will always love her no matter what. I do like yours (and others) suggestions of trying to involve her more. Although I think that will be a little touchy to approach.
I wish you all the luck then. I have been so thankful for my husband's support and it has been so necessary for my continued weight loss. It has been great when we do things together for weight loss, we actually started going to the gym together and he helps me with the machines as well as some other workouts that require two people. Even when he has been less focused on health he hasn't stopped supporting mine. I have lost over 85 lbs now, and he has kept off (he gained some back) around 60 lbs. I wish everyone could experience this level of support. Although sadly i have read that marriages that fail over this type of thing fail because of the lack of support and accusation from one person as opposed to the person actually getting healthier cheating on their spouse.
One other thing I might suggest is trying to make healthy versions of meals she enjoys, maybe if she see she can enjoy healthy food she can realize that it won't be so difficult. If you want to bring up the topic delicately I would suggest something along the lines of "I think you are absolutely beautiful the way you are, but I want you to be happy. Is there anyway I can help you with that?"
Other things that may help (but don't lie): Let her know that weight loss isn't an easier road but you are willing to help her through both the easy and the rough parts. Let her know that you are attracted to her but you worry about her health. Tell her you want to get healthy so you will be there for her (and the child you may adopt) longer.0 -
I was your wife 20 months ago. I had convinced myself I was just destined to be fat and that it was impossible for me to lose the weight. I was (and still am) an emotional eater so I know exactly where she's at. I tried before and failed and had given up hope. It seemed too hard. Now I'm smaller than I was in high school.
The thing that helped me was finally realizing that 80% of weight loss is what and how much you eat. When I started, I didn't do any diets or restrict myself from any foods and I didn't exercise regularly. I just aimed to eat no more than my calorie goal and exercised if I wanted to earn more calories so that I could eat more. I lost 30 pounds in six months just doing that and then I was hooked. Plus recognizing the triggers that made me want to binge helped me out a lot as well and I'm not nearly as bad at the emotional eating as before.
But it is something that your wife has to choose for herself. My friend is going through something similar with his wife who is doing what I used to do (exercise a bunch, but then eat a ton and wonder why the weight isn't coming off as much). All you can do is be supportive and be there for her though it sounds like she may need to see a therapist who can help her out with some of the emotional issues that are contributing to her eating habits.
Introduce her to MFP, encourage her to at least set up an account so that she can at least find other women on here who haved shared her journey. That may also help her see that it is possible.0 -
I'm sort of dealing with the same thing with my husband. It seems like with my weight loss he has taken worse care of himself and it makes me really sad. I know he's self conscious about it because he makes "fat jokes" about himself and tries to laugh it off and he's ALWAYS been the "fit" one and before staying fit and eating well always came naturally to him. I learned so many of my good eating habits and exercise habits from him.
So... I feel like because I'm "soooo far ahead" that he sees it as a competition he can never catch up to. I know he wants me to be healthy for myself, our children and him and I think that's what you need to put the emphasis on... that you are doing this for her and for the child you two are adopting together! (Congratulations btw!) I think you really need to make it clear to her that you still find her incredibly attractive and love her no matter what but at the same time encourage her to get healthy too! As a woman, I think coming at it from a loving and caring and "I want whats best for you and us as a family" approach is important and yes when it comes down to it, she needs to make the decision to do it herself. But please don't let her sabatoge your success!0 -
Yeah, your wife is selfish. I would LOVE for someone to shop and cook healthy meals for me! And, who doesn't want a healthy and fit husband? Don't let her put you on a guilt trip. Her gaining weight is NOT your fault. Just keep doing what you are doing and hopefully she will join you.0
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I suspect she might feel insecure if you were doing something else such as a new hobby or furthering your education. Couples counseling is a great idea and might lead to her getting personal counseling to deal with her emotions. I worry that if she doesn't learn to cope it will only get worse with the stress of a new child.
My husband is overweight and admits he hates to work out or eat healthy. However, he is very supportive in my exercise activities. We just bought him a bike and plan to start riding as the weather improves.
Someone had a point that maybe you can provide lower cal ice cream options. If you are in charge of food she might be feeling a little controlled, so give her a voice and let her shop and cook with you.0 -
Misery loves company, friend.
Maybe shes too afraid to take the first steps and doesn't realize you're both in it together--or at least you could be.
You keep going and do not feel selfish! She is ashamed of herself and will not change until she has had enough.0 -
I CAN RELATE TO YOUR WIFE. After I had my son I gained weight and my partner at the time would go on his usual runs and he was taking care of himself. It drove me up the wall. I was so jealous (your wife reminds me of me at the time). I wasn't supportive at all, didn't want him to go because if he went it reminded me that I wasn't exercising and that I was still fat, being left behind. That was a bad place for me to be...and now I look back and can't believe I didn't support him. And yes, I remember thinking, he is going to leave me if I don't get my *kitten* in gear and lose weight. That puts a lot of pressure on a person. You can't feel guilty that you are doing what needs to be done. You guys are looking at adopting...you want to be as healthy as possible for your future child
). Hopefully you can stay positive, and it will eventually inspire her. Change is hard, she will adapt and she will see how amazing you feel and look, and hopefully that motivates her to get moving! Good luck. I should note, at that time I was going through a depression (i didn't know it at the time). It is 5 years later and I feel like a different person. 0 -
I'll admit that I've been in your wife's position. While I'm not obese I'm not in "good shape" and I've been much more overweight than I am now. Also, I "married up" meaning that my partner is MUCH better looking than I am. I'm not saying that to elicit compliments - it's just an important part of the facts that might help you understand where I was coming from. It is not uncommon for someone who knows me but not my partner to proclaim with much surprise: "Oh My - he's SO good looking" upon meeting him. My partner's job is much more active than mine and he gets to leave home for 24 hours at a time and sort of just focus on work, himself and his buddies. I work full time and my office is based out of my home. I have three kids; eight years apart so they are all at very different stages of life/development. One boy who tends toward the chubby/lazy side, one girl who is naturally skinny and scrawny and one girl who is curvy. Not only are they different ages but their bodies are very very different as well. We are both blue collar workers without much wiggle room in the overall budget.
Ok. I think you’ve got the background so let me be clear – I Am Not Complaining. I Am Not Throwing Him Under The Bus. I Am Not Fishing For Reassurance. I Am Not Placing Blame On Him. I’m just trying to help you understand where I was coming from.
He always found ways to make a healthy lifestyle work for him. Sometimes I resented the way he “found a way”. After his 24-hours shift he and his friends would hit the gym or go for a run. He loves the latest fads in ‘health’ and would get sucked into any and all newfangled gimmicks. He would pop over to the health food store and buy supplements or shakes. He would make his own ‘meals’ on his days off. He would go out for long runs when he was home. He made his health a priority.
Here’s why I used to resent it. I work full time too – my office might be based out of my house but it doesn’t mean I don’t work. When he was at work for 24-hours I was not only working full time but also single parenting. When he would find time for the gym or for long runs it meant I was (again) working and single parenting. He would pick up supplements or shakes but without regard for the overall budget or realizing that he was (a) setting a terrible example for our children who saw daddy doing diet stuff instead of eating with the family and (b) buying things that were antithetical to anything helpful to anyone else. He’d make his own meals but these would adhere to whatever latest craze was afoot, again setting a poor example for my kids, each of whom need a very different caloric intake. It took me a long long time to realize I was punishing myself by being frustrated with these things.
It took me years to nail down the information in that last paragraph but once I did I was able to talk with him about how his “priorities” were affecting me and the kids. It took a bit longer for him to come to grips with it. He didn’t want to let go of the latest fads and he didn’t want to admit that his wants interfered with the family budget. He had a really hard time admitting that when he ‘took care of himself’ by going to the gym or going on long runs; he was inadvertently telling me that his time to take care of himself was more important than being with the family and that he was sending the message that his time was more important than mine. He didn’t stop to think about the three kids and their very different needs and what his message to them might be through his behaviors.
We kept talking and creating little plans to even things out a bit – making sure that there was a budget he would work within for his supplements and shakes, making sure that he could find time for the gym and runs that didn’t interfere with family time and making sure that sometimes he took the reins so I could have time too.
At first he decided I’d just join in with him. But I’m not a band-wagoner so taking supplements beyond a vitamin (maybe) just wasn’t something I wanted to do more less drinking algae or doing a cleanse or whatever new thing he was up to. I’m not a runner – I couldn’t keep up with him and when I needed to stop and walk a while he’d get frustrated that I wasn’t trying hard enough. We moved our workouts into a gym that we both joined and tried to do partner exercises but I wasn’t able to keep up and it affected the quality of his workouts. We found a different gym where he could go lift or do cardio while I took a dance class. We went for hikes and he let me set the pace rather than runs where he set the pace. We chatted with our family doctor about what’s really healthy with all the supplements and diet stuff. We ate family meals together, leaving his “I need to eat a ½ carton of egg whites and a large can of tuna and a flax seed, fish oil mixture” for when the kids were at school.
We’ve worked through this for the most part. I had to admit that it didn’t do anyone any good for me to be jealous of his ability to find time and stay fit. I had to stop being angry and start being a problem solver. I had to stop being a martyr and start being proactive and empowered. I also had to stop deciding that I was the out-of-shape-ugly one in our duo and start making the healthy choices that worked for me. I had to find the healthy lifestyle that worked for me and learn how to make that time a priority.
It’s working much better now and I am hoping that my little tale – from the opposite prospective – might give you some insight into what your wife might be feeling. Feel free to have her friend me on here.
This is my partner and I just last night at a concert.
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WOW!!! Wait, what, adopting a child?!!! THINK about THIS...you guys are going to bring another Human Being into THIS environment>>>Consciously. All I can say is, "It is NOT the kids, it's the Parents" whatever ever the problem ends up being!0
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I know it's very easy to think that your wife is being selfish, but really she is just hurting and finding it hard. Try not to take it personally, and understand that she is finding it difficult. It just be hard watching someone achieve something you've wanted to achieve for years, and jealousy is a horrible emotion!
On the other hand, do not feel selfish for continuing with your success. In the end, it can only go two ways... She will leave you or join you. Hopefully it will be the latter. Set an example for her and be understanding
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She hasn't hit rock bottom yet. IMO, people have to do that before they can do this.
Maybe go with the couples counseling like some of the others mentioned, because it will only get worse when you lose more weight. I've been there, on both sides and it sucks. Gaining and losing weight is mental. There is ALWAYS something going on that makes us obese, whether it is boredom, stress, carb craving or emotional eating, it's always mental. Until we face what's eating us (pun intended), we stay fat. There are ways to cope and different ways to switch up our diets and still enjoy food.
Maybe let her read your post? It's obvious that you love her a lot!
Good luck and I'll say a prayer that she gets on board with you soon. <hugs>0 -
Bump to read replies and add own later0
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I'm going to quote something that you wrote...
" Maybe I am minimizing things, but I feel like those aren't good excuses because if it is not those things, there always seems to be some major stressors in our lives. We can't wait until those stresses are gone to start, because there will always be something else."
They are EXCUSES! Although they may add to our problems, when you take an honest look at them, stress is an excuse, family problems are an excuse, what every we can justify in our mind to allow us to overeat is an excuse, nothing more, nothing less. When we're fat, obese or whatever you want to call, we are always looking for "excuses" to eat! That way we can justify to ourselves all that food we put in our mouths.
We can blame anyone or anything that we want, and if it sounds good in our mind, it seems to make it ok. But we all know that it's not. Like you said, your wife has to be the one to decide that she wants to change too. You can't make her do it. It's like telling an alcoholic to quit drinking, it doesn't work unless they are ready.
I wish all the luck with this, all the support from the MFP folks is great, but it's even more so when the people close to you support you too!
It sounds to me like your wife has some self esteem issues and maybe if got on board with you and lost some weight, they would start to decrease. You're doing the right things, and no matter what, stay on track.
Bottom line is we are the ones that are responsible for ourselves!0 -
Why doesn't she join you? You guys can be a hubby-and-wifey team, and she won't have much reason to be jealous. You guys can keep each other motivated and encouraged, and if you get to this point start doing exercise together. If I had a hubby, that would be the most exciting thing for me
It isn't selfish to lose weight or be healthy for yourself. It's her issue if she's jealous and does nothing about it. She can either join you, accept your journey and find some confidence in herself, or continue to stuff her face to feed her negative emotions. Not trying to be rude, just honest. I'm fighting to stop emotional eating myself, as that's how I got to be 220 lbs at my highest.
I do love how you guys are talking about it though, many couples wait until one explodes and things get nasty. Good luck!0 -
so i didn't make it through everyone's posts and maybe this has already been put out there, but here goes...
I was in a similiar situation as your wife. My husband decided he wanted a gym membership for x-mas and started going pretty regularly. I was happy for him, but there was a part of me that panicked a little, thinking he was gonna look great and I would still be super overweight. I hated the idea that people might wonder how on earth I got him (let me insert here that I'm fully aware I married some arm candy, i just didn't want it to get worse).
So i joined MFP for like the 3rd time. and it's awesome and I'm doing it for myself now instead of out of fear of him getting better looking. But I have to be honest that a few years ago I might have been more like your wife. After years of working with therapists and as a therapist I have a better understanding of my emotional eating habits and use a lot of mindfulness and coping skills to get through stressful events that used to drive me to the ice cream tub.
Your wife might need to talk to someone - someone who can work through her responses to emotional events, her body image and self-esteem. While you can love her and be supportive of her until the cows come home it won't change that her coping skill right now involves a fork.0 -
I am an old school and believe the man should be the leader of the home.
Man up and continue to be an example of healthy living. Hopefully your wife will eventually come on board.
Continue to support your wife and take walks with her and cook healthy tasting meals.
Good luck
This is great advice.
Just curious, how old of a school are you? Like a one-room schoolhouse, or not quite that old?0 -
It sounds like she wants to lose weight but doesn't want to put in the effort. You said you mentioned being supportive if she decided to lose weight, have you asked her if she would like your help. Maybe you should suggest doing stuff together.
If my husband looked at me and said "I am enjoying what I am doing, but the only thing I don't like about it is I wish I could do more with you" then I would at least try. She may "hate" your weight loss because it is an activity that she feels excluded from. She may be subconsciously fearing you will leave her if you look better. If you look better you will want a better looking woman. You should make sure she knows you love her and only her.
^This. When my husband joined the Army, he cut a lot of weight and I was at my highest weight ever. I worried that he would start to think less of me because now he was accomplishing something that I just didn't seem able to do. I worried that he would start to notice the thinner fit girls more.
With a lot of encouragement, he started taking me out with him when he went jogging. I couldn't jog, but I would walk while he did. At first, I resented the fact that he was so much more fit than I was. In the beginning, I could only walk for a 1/2 mile before I was exhausted. I almost gave up several times. I had crying and screaming "I can't do this!" fits. What kept me going was his constant encouragement and his reminders that he wanted to be able to do this WITH me. That was my main motivation. I wanted to be able to go for bike rides with my hubby, and maybe even jog with him someday.... and let me tell you, on the day that I was able to finally jog along side him for 2 whole miles, everything I had done to get to that point was well worth it. I have never felt more accomplished in my entire life.0 -
I think the main issue is not your weight loss. It is your marriage. A true partnership would encourage and support...not grumble.0
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I'm going to be blunt, because that's who I am: your wife has issues, and she needs to deal with them. You have a goal and desire to be healthy, and you need to focus on that and let her come to her own conclusions. She has the choice to eat better and exercise -- so that is up to HER to do. You can't tell her how to run her body, and vice versa. She needs to back off and let you do what you need to do for YOU.
I think it's highly unfair and selfish of her to lay her emotional issues on YOUR back. They are HERS to own, not YOURS to manage.
Now, I want to mention I have said this in previous threads: there is a sense of co-dependency in relationships where obesity is an issue. I've seen documentaries about this very problem -- one partner starts to lose weight, the other gets jealous or threatened, and the relationship starts to unravel. The skinny guy who loves taking care of the immobile woman -- once she can get up and move around, the skinny guy is no longer needed and his sense of purpose is lost. The obese husband loses weight, the obese wife automatically assumes the guy will leave or cheat, and the marriage implodes. This is just like any other addictive situation - only food is the drug.1 -
Come on everyone. Enough of this boo hoo, feel bad for his wife crap. She is jealous because she doesn't have the motivation to get her lazy butt and do the work it takes to lose weight. She is clearly selfish.1
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You are awesome! Hands down....
I am sure like all of us, your wife wants to be healthy, fit and lose weight. So why she hasnt gotten on with it is bc (i) she doesnt think she can do it without huge emotional cost, (ii) she doesnt know how to do it. So if you can just keep talking about what you are doing, up her on the science, just weave in more and more into the conversation, tell her about the latest success story you have read, etc.....WALKS are great....
Good luck. With your attitude and kindness, I am sure you will find some gentle solutions to bring her along0 -
It sounds like she just doesn't want to change her lifestyle, to me. She is comfortable with her current lifestyle, and does not want change, however, you are changing, and starting to look good, and she sees that, and probably wants that, but doesn't want to have to change anything. I am also a very emotional eater. Also, some people are more prone to "cues" that trigger cravings, or hunger. For instance, if I see, or smell food, I get cravings, or feel hungry. Some people are not really phased by those cues, whereas others are. When I'm stressed or sad, or whatever, my first instinct is to turn to food, but I have to think of other things to do, instead. I would talk to her, and instead of her making excuses, as to why she CAN'T do it, perhaps you could suggest ways that she CAN do it, and just try to help out and support her however you can. Maybe you can offer to do some grocery shopping, or watch the kids, if there are any, so that she can exercise for a bit. Maybe y'all could come up with a schedule together to come up with time for exercise, cooking, and doing the shopping. I know it can be stressful, but if she's willing to do it, y'all can work through it! Whatever happens, don't give up! Try n get her on MFP, and maybe include her on what you're doing to lose, if she's willing. Don't give up!!! :happy:0
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So much supportive, caring advice. There is truly nothing I can add to what has been said, other than this: I wish you well.0
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Also "Although she grumbles about the meals because they are not the massive carb bombs she would prefer, she does eat them." sounds more like your wife was happy being the size she was and was comfortable that you were both in the same boat. Now that you're not it's not all jealousy, it's resentment because you're 'spoiling' the comfortable place she was in.
I agree with this. Any effort I made to better myself at all, not just in the weight department, was a huge contributer to my divorce. Me going back to school, starting to work out and just trying to be a better person was rewarded with resentment, snide remarks, put downs and basically telling me that I can't do anything.
It is good that you are trying to support her and maybe she'll see that one day and change her tune but it sounds like she was good where yall were before and doesn't like that you are trying to be better.0 -
You sound like a really caring man, and I wish you continued luck on your weight lost journey.
Some of the responses on here shock me, though, about how horrible your wife is being.
At least from a quick read, and I do admit I may have missed something, it sounds to me like she intially just was expressing her feelings regarding it: ie jealousy and such. Which is a very healthy thing to be doing. Would it be better for her to store it up? Whether people agree with it or not, or understand it, that is how she is feeling. She may or may not be trying to change that feeling, but either way, it is how she feels.
It does sound like she needs some assitance. Emotional eating is a terrible thing that frankly, if you or anyone else doesn't do, you simply can't understand. I have done extremely crazy, mean things that I don't even understand myself and have had points in my life where I felt totally out of control. I've felt just like your wife has when I was in a relationship with a guy who could literally give up drinking beer and drop 15 pounds and I would go to the gym every day and eat stick and birdseed all the time and maybe clock 2 pounds a month. I definitely felt twinges of jealousy and resentment despite caring for him. And despite being ashamed of those feelings.
One thing to maybe suggest to her are groups like Overeaters Anonymous. It actually does work. Unfortuantely she has to be willing and open to going to a support group.
Either way, congrats on your success! It is so hard to be losing weight and have to face the disappointment and negative feelings of others, its a total buzz kill. Good luck!0 -
Often its not that people do not want to lose weight, its that they don't know how. You got yourself together but she might not be able to do it alone. Maybe after dinner you guys could go on a walk every day. Or on a weekend you could wander around town, do little things that don't seem like exercise together but promote a healthy lifestyle. Continue to do the shopping, if you know that she is bound to buy ice cream then preemptively buy frozen yogurt. If she likes hamburgers, make turkey burgers, etc... In catering to her wants and need she will feel like you are trying to include her. Just make sure that you are still following your diet. It may take a little extra effort on your part but she will appreciate the thought. Soon she may find that eating healthy is easier than she'd expected. She might become a bit more motivated and commit to a change as well.
In addition, have a frank discussion with her and tell her that it is important to you hat she become healthier. If you are adopting a child, you want to be able to set a good example for him/her and you want your wife to be around and mobile for a long time to come. Don't mention appearance, focus on the health benefits associated with a lifestyle change.
Good luck!0 -
Better yet, go to www.zumba.com, and look for classes in your area. Or you can get her a zumba DVD. That's all she needs! Lolol...From the zumba queen!
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My wife and I decided to lose weight together, and started dieting on January 3rd. Since then we have both lost weight in the double digits. However, my weight loss is probably almost twice that of hers. What your wife needs to keep in mind is that men are naturally "wired' to be leaner, and will almost always lose more weight, and faster than women. The main thing is the LIFESTYLE CHANGE. My goal was to lose 40 pounds. Although I'm starting to workout, I successfully lost the first 20 with almost NO exercise, and it was just from watching what and how much I eat. I'm a Louisiana boy who looooves, and was raised rich, high calorie foods. The first thing we did was modify our shopping habits and started to read labels. When you don't have fatty, high calorie foods in the house, even if you do go on somewhat of a "binge" it does much less damage. Honestly, with the foods we now buy, we can eat and snack all through the day, and still not hit our calorie limits. I almost feel like I eat more now than I did before. It's just that WHAT I eat doesn't pack on the pounds. Me and my wife are also social drinkers, and have the occasional cocktail with friends. We moved away from beer, and switched to a couple of vodka and tonics because it carries fewer calories. In your case, the main thing is to do it WITH her, and make it a lifestyle change for both of you. The weight will take care of itself.
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I think you being this aware and concerned with how your wife is handling your weight loss is pretty incredible and it sounds like you are doing your best to be supportive of how she feels. However it is her decision to live the way she is living, not to say that stress and other elements are not a factor because what is going on in your life good or bad, it will definitely impact how you eat or don't eat.
Being a woman is hard period. But we make our own decisions every day and if your wife is feeling bad about how well you are doing then she needs to jump on that band wagon and get healthy with you! She is making the choice NOT to help herself and while I do sympathize because we all want to be the perfect versions of ourselves, she has got to want it, otherwise even if she does lose the weight it won't actually be a success for her. To be blunt she needs to either start towards a healthier lifestyle for HERSELF not for anybody else or she needs to shutup and be there for you! I know how important it is to have the support of someone else especially the person you are living with. Hope that helps 0
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