My wife hates my weight loss

sidewinder76

Going through a similar situation right now, hang in there. It's such a relief to see others going through the same thing coming together.

MyOwnSunshine

This is a hard situation. In a way, I have been on both sides of your dilemma.

As someone who is a compulsive eater and who has been overweight for the majority of my life, I understand the shame that your wife is feeling as she watches you lose weight as she gains.

Many people who are compulsive eaters and who have been obese for most of their life have have some very deep emotions and shame is one of the most intense. Shame is the hardest emotion to bear, and the biggest trigger for compulsive eating for me. It is really hard to watch someone who has engaged in your "shameful" behavior with you for a long period of time, thus making it less shameful, suddenly abstain from that behavior, which makes it more "shameful" to continue engaging in it.

It is also very difficult to watch someone else lose weight in a seemingly effortless manner, when you have never been able to successfully lose weight. It makes you feel like a failure and lowers your already-low self esteem, which triggers more compulsive eating.

Now that I'm on the other side, where I eat healthy and track my food, while living with a husband who is a bit picky and loves junk food, as well as an extremely picky daughter, I understand your point of view. Maintaining my weight loss, making time for exercise, and eating healthy food is very important to me. There are times when my husband and daughter want to eat junk or would rather I didn't take time away from the family to go work out.

My husband and I used to fight a lot -- so much so that we separated for a year. I think that one characteristic that is commonly shared by compulsive overeaters is co-dependency. The thing that we learned while we were separated is that we are two individual people with different needs, yet we are both competent, capable and able to meet our own needs. What my husband chooses to eat, or how he chooses to use his free time (on the couch), are his business. What I choose to eat and how I choose to use my free time (at the gym) are my business.

It took us a long time to learn that not everything the other does needs to be personalized by the other. Ultimately, your wife needs to realize that she is responsible for the choices she makes regarding food, weight and health. What you eat or don't eat is not a direct condemnation of her lifestyle, and vice versa. If seeing you make positive changes and lose weight triggers negative emotions for her, she needs to own that. The emotions that drive compulsive eating and shame are not logical emotions, and those of us who suffer from them should not logically expect others to alter their course in order to be accommodated.

I found great benefit in seeing a counselor who specializes in disordered eating. I would highly recommend that you respectfully suggest to your wife that she find a counselor to help her through this. You are not her counselor, and although you love her and want to support her, her food issues are not yours to sort out.

Keep doing what you are doing. You deserve support and encouragement to reach your goals as much as she deserves support and encouragement to deal with her food issues. Although you are married, you both need to seek that support from others at this time, as you are at cross-purposes. Be kind and loving, but maintain your healthy lifestyle and independence. Let her be an indendent being at this time as well, and let her learn and grow by taking responsibility for her issues, health and eating, too.

eowynmn

That was really embarassing for me to read, because I've been in your wife's position for the majority of my marriage. I've gone on and off WW, but was never really committed. Except one time, right after we got married, I was committed, so was my husband, and then I got pregnant and he got to WW goal. I had the hardest time being happy for him because of my internal depression and misery, it was all about me, and it was damaging to our marriage. That was five years ago, and we still struggle.

My husband crept back up to about 225 (his goal is about 200, he's 6'2) and he re-up'd. I was maybe about ready to do it 6 months ago, when he made some nasty comments about my obesity that hurt me to the core. And I would say that they set me back a good six months because I was so bitter about his reaction to me, and all the ways it effected our personal life, that the only way I could see to control it was to NOT try to lose weight.

Don't get me wrong, we love each other, but the issues surrounding our mutual weight loss struggles and how it effects our family are monumental.

I still struggled with this up until the beginnign of January when my size 26 jeans were too tight to button. And I finally said to myself - F this - I'm doing this for me. I've never been more motivated in my life. I've never enjoyed eating whole, healthy foods more in my life and exercising more in my life. I needed to hit my rock bottom, and those jeans were my rock bottom. I needed to do this for me. I'm on week 7, and we still struggle of course because the stigma of my weight in our marriage. I am working on forgiving him for actions and he needs to work on forgiving me for letting myself go so bad. I'm extremely touchy when it comes to my exercise and eating, and so he is afraid to ask me about it. We just had a heart to heart yesterday, because I asked him to do a 5k with me and he was less than enthusiastic and that really upset me, since he's the one wanting me to get in shape in the first place. Like if I'm going to do this, you better support whatever I choose to do. He said he was scared to talk to me about it because I get so upset so he avoids it, so now I have to learn to be more calm and not take everything so personally and he has to learn how to talk to me about my exercise (in a non criticizing way).

And he's been supportive. He let me buy the heart rate monitor I wanted, the xbox I wanted (yea I said that), the gym membership, the food, and I'm nailing it. It's been 6 weeks and I've lost about 20 lbs (official weigh in is Tuesdays).

So I'm just babbling and getting that out there, because we are really going through this right now but here's what you need to do.

Tell your wife "I love you no matter what, no matter what size you are, you are so beautiful to me, and sexy, and I love it when you wear xyz and look like abc" and you tell her how sexy she is every day, and you do it regardless if she takes the compliment well or not. You support her and where she is right now. Raising her self esteem, raises her confidence, and makes her motivated. She's jealous of you because she does want to do something about it, and when she's ready to throw away her excuses, be there for her. In the mean time you cook the food, and you go to the gym, and you take care of you because you are responsible for you, and nothing you do is going to make her take that step. In fact the more you push her, the more you are probably delaying her taking that step In my opinion. So be a loving husband, set a good example, and when she's ready, and only when she's ready will she do it.

And then when she is ready and she does do it, say yes. She wants to get some stupid bodybugg contraption, say yes. she needs new exercise clothes, say yes. She wants an hour to go work out at xyz, say yes. Be the yes man when she is ready to go, and do what you can to let go of any resentment and anger you hold about this.

I know I just babbled a lot, and I'm not editing it because I have to head to bodypump! good luck reading

DiamondRubyMom

It sounds like you have a very strong and open marriage. If your wife is emotionally eating then I suggest you help her handle the emotions. Counseling is an option. Just letting her know your there for her and listening to her vent may also help. I used to be an emotional eater and sometimes I feel myself being tempted backed to the same. My husband helps me the most when he lets me verbalize all my frustrations. Then he helps to fix what he can, holds me close for what he can't, and builds me emotionally back up. I would guess your wife is feeling insecure about your improved looks. Remind her that you love her and find her attractive. A little "pillow talk" can sometimes go a long way. IF you haven't, read the book The 5 Love Languages and speak to her in her love language. Many people will tell you to forget her and do what is right for you. There is some truth to this but for the sake of your marriage, listen to her needs and not her selfish desires. If you can work to meet her true needs, then she may be able to support you as you work toward yours.

Cr01502

Cliff notes?

Anyone?

jiggy_gibby

Counseling for you both -together and separately. If she resents your journey, it is her issue that SHE has to deal with. And you need to recognize youa re responsible for your health. Your wife's staement "if you really loved me, you wouldn't lose wieight. You are making me gain weight" is UNHEALTHY for you both!! Again, her issue and emotional manipulation.... good for resisting the trap. People we love do this all the time. And sometimes, we do it too!!

cardiophile

Your weight loss is threatening to her, and I think that deep down she is afraid of losing you. She is going to need constant reassurance that you still love her regardless of her weight. Remind her that your weight loss is to better yourself and to be the best man for her.

lynn1982

I am single, so perhaps I have no business commenting on this thread, but I have also struggled with my weight for a long time and have a tendency to emotionally eat... You mentioned in your post that by continuing on your weight loss/healthy journey, you would be selfish since your wife does not want you to continue. It seems to me though that your wife is the one who is being incredibly selfish. YOU want to be healthy. By stopping, you'd be harming yourself. Can you include her somehow in this? Don't mention weight loss or anything like that. Can you prepare meals together that are wholesome and healthful? What about activities that are fun but also somewhat active? Maybe suggest going for a walk one evening after dinner and try to make it a regular activity? If you try this for a little bit, then perhaps she'll see that she will start to feel better. I've had many hiccups along the way during my weight loss journey, yet what has been key is the idea of health rather than weight loss. By eating healthy and whole foods and being active, I simply feel better. It makes me not want to comfort eat and when I do, I physically feel terrible.

KenosFeoh

I think that was very hurtful and inconsiderate of your wife. When I have negative feelings toward my husband and they are unfounded, I don't burden him with those thoughts. I write it out or talk to a friend. I think he does the same for me.

GlassslippersAndFairyDust

I really hope you don't give up on yourself. Although you are supportive to your wife, this is still her problem, not yours. Your first priority is to take care of you so you can be there for her. I think it's great that you two can be so open and honest with each other, especially if she didn't say these things to you in anger but still I think as a woman with a smaller husband that can eat whatever he wants, it was selfish of her not to consider your feelings. It sounds like she's not supporting your weight-loss efforts, which is also selfish. To me marriage is about building the other person up, not trying to tear them down. I realize that she is dealing with a huge issue of self confidence as well as being an emotional eater....I've been there too but that doesn't mean she can't be there for you. Maybe you should encourage her more to take this journey with you and let her know how great it would feel to both of you to see the accomplishments you can do together. I wish you much luck but can't emphasize enough that you should continue on for yourself regardless.

zentha1384

It sounds like she wants to lose weight but doesn't want to put in the effort. You said you mentioned being supportive if she decided to lose weight, have you asked her if she would like your help. Maybe you should suggest doing stuff together.

If my husband looked at me and said "I am enjoying what I am doing, but the only thing I don't like about it is I wish I could do more with you" then I would at least try. She may "hate" your weight loss because it is an activity that she feels excluded from. She may be subconsciously fearing you will leave her if you look better. If you look better you will want a better looking woman. You should make sure she knows you love her and only her.

I think this is pretty close to her mindset. I love my wife dearly, but if she has a character flaw to work on, it would be that she gives up on things if they are not easy and don't provide instant results. As most of us on this site know, that just isn't the way it works.

She is not subconsciously fearing I will leave her if I look better, she states it outright. I assure her as much as I can that this is not the case and I will always love her no matter what. I do like yours (and others) suggestions of trying to involve her more. Although I think that will be a little touchy to approach.

I wish you all the luck then. I have been so thankful for my husband's support and it has been so necessary for my continued weight loss. It has been great when we do things together for weight loss, we actually started going to the gym together and he helps me with the machines as well as some other workouts that require two people. Even when he has been less focused on health he hasn't stopped supporting mine. I have lost over 85 lbs now, and he has kept off (he gained some back) around 60 lbs. I wish everyone could experience this level of support. Although sadly i have read that marriages that fail over this type of thing fail because of the lack of support and accusation from one person as opposed to the person actually getting healthier cheating on their spouse.

One other thing I might suggest is trying to make healthy versions of meals she enjoys, maybe if she see she can enjoy healthy food she can realize that it won't be so difficult. If you want to bring up the topic delicately I would suggest something along the lines of "I think you are absolutely beautiful the way you are, but I want you to be happy. Is there anyway I can help you with that?"

Other things that may help (but don't lie): Let her know that weight loss isn't an easier road but you are willing to help her through both the easy and the rough parts. Let her know that you are attracted to her but you worry about her health. Tell her you want to get healthy so you will be there for her (and the child you may adopt) longer.

wendybird5

I was your wife 20 months ago. I had convinced myself I was just destined to be fat and that it was impossible for me to lose the weight. I was (and still am) an emotional eater so I know exactly where she's at. I tried before and failed and had given up hope. It seemed too hard. Now I'm smaller than I was in high school.

The thing that helped me was finally realizing that 80% of weight loss is what and how much you eat. When I started, I didn't do any diets or restrict myself from any foods and I didn't exercise regularly. I just aimed to eat no more than my calorie goal and exercised if I wanted to earn more calories so that I could eat more. I lost 30 pounds in six months just doing that and then I was hooked. Plus recognizing the triggers that made me want to binge helped me out a lot as well and I'm not nearly as bad at the emotional eating as before.

But it is something that your wife has to choose for herself. My friend is going through something similar with his wife who is doing what I used to do (exercise a bunch, but then eat a ton and wonder why the weight isn't coming off as much). All you can do is be supportive and be there for her though it sounds like she may need to see a therapist who can help her out with some of the emotional issues that are contributing to her eating habits.

Introduce her to MFP, encourage her to at least set up an account so that she can at least find other women on here who haved shared her journey. That may also help her see that it is possible.

akrnrunner

I'm sort of dealing with the same thing with my husband. It seems like with my weight loss he has taken worse care of himself and it makes me really sad. I know he's self conscious about it because he makes "fat jokes" about himself and tries to laugh it off and he's ALWAYS been the "fit" one and before staying fit and eating well always came naturally to him. I learned so many of my good eating habits and exercise habits from him.
So... I feel like because I'm "soooo far ahead" that he sees it as a competition he can never catch up to. I know he wants me to be healthy for myself, our children and him and I think that's what you need to put the emphasis on... that you are doing this for her and for the child you two are adopting together! (Congratulations btw!) I think you really need to make it clear to her that you still find her incredibly attractive and love her no matter what but at the same time encourage her to get healthy too! As a woman, I think coming at it from a loving and caring and "I want whats best for you and us as a family" approach is important and yes when it comes down to it, she needs to make the decision to do it herself. But please don't let her sabatoge your success!

cgarand

Yeah, your wife is selfish. I would LOVE for someone to shop and cook healthy meals for me! And, who doesn't want a healthy and fit husband? Don't let her put you on a guilt trip. Her gaining weight is NOT your fault. Just keep doing what you are doing and hopefully she will join you.

housemamma

I suspect she might feel insecure if you were doing something else such as a new hobby or furthering your education. Couples counseling is a great idea and might lead to her getting personal counseling to deal with her emotions. I worry that if she doesn't learn to cope it will only get worse with the stress of a new child.
My husband is overweight and admits he hates to work out or eat healthy. However, he is very supportive in my exercise activities. We just bought him a bike and plan to start riding as the weather improves.
Someone had a point that maybe you can provide lower cal ice cream options. If you are in charge of food she might be feeling a little controlled, so give her a voice and let her shop and cook with you.

Reneeisfat

Misery loves company, friend.
Maybe shes too afraid to take the first steps and doesn't realize you're both in it together--or at least you could be.
You keep going and do not feel selfish! She is ashamed of herself and will not change until she has had enough.

treagal

I CAN RELATE TO YOUR WIFE. After I had my son I gained weight and my partner at the time would go on his usual runs and he was taking care of himself. It drove me up the wall. I was so jealous (your wife reminds me of me at the time). I wasn't supportive at all, didn't want him to go because if he went it reminded me that I wasn't exercising and that I was still fat, being left behind. That was a bad place for me to be...and now I look back and can't believe I didn't support him. And yes, I remember thinking, he is going to leave me if I don't get my *kitten* in gear and lose weight. That puts a lot of pressure on a person. You can't feel guilty that you are doing what needs to be done. You guys are looking at adopting...you want to be as healthy as possible for your future child ). Hopefully you can stay positive, and it will eventually inspire her. Change is hard, she will adapt and she will see how amazing you feel and look, and hopefully that motivates her to get moving! Good luck. I should note, at that time I was going through a depression (i didn't know it at the time). It is 5 years later and I feel like a different person.

KirstenTheFamilyCoach

I'll admit that I've been in your wife's position. While I'm not obese I'm not in "good shape" and I've been much more overweight than I am now. Also, I "married up" meaning that my partner is MUCH better looking than I am. I'm not saying that to elicit compliments - it's just an important part of the facts that might help you understand where I was coming from. It is not uncommon for someone who knows me but not my partner to proclaim with much surprise: "Oh My - he's SO good looking" upon meeting him. My partner's job is much more active than mine and he gets to leave home for 24 hours at a time and sort of just focus on work, himself and his buddies. I work full time and my office is based out of my home. I have three kids; eight years apart so they are all at very different stages of life/development. One boy who tends toward the chubby/lazy side, one girl who is naturally skinny and scrawny and one girl who is curvy. Not only are they different ages but their bodies are very very different as well. We are both blue collar workers without much wiggle room in the overall budget.

Ok. I think you’ve got the background so let me be clear – I Am Not Complaining. I Am Not Throwing Him Under The Bus. I Am Not Fishing For Reassurance. I Am Not Placing Blame On Him. I’m just trying to help you understand where I was coming from.

He always found ways to make a healthy lifestyle work for him. Sometimes I resented the way he “found a way”. After his 24-hours shift he and his friends would hit the gym or go for a run. He loves the latest fads in ‘health’ and would get sucked into any and all newfangled gimmicks. He would pop over to the health food store and buy supplements or shakes. He would make his own ‘meals’ on his days off. He would go out for long runs when he was home. He made his health a priority.

Here’s why I used to resent it. I work full time too – my office might be based out of my house but it doesn’t mean I don’t work. When he was at work for 24-hours I was not only working full time but also single parenting. When he would find time for the gym or for long runs it meant I was (again) working and single parenting. He would pick up supplements or shakes but without regard for the overall budget or realizing that he was (a) setting a terrible example for our children who saw daddy doing diet stuff instead of eating with the family and (b) buying things that were antithetical to anything helpful to anyone else. He’d make his own meals but these would adhere to whatever latest craze was afoot, again setting a poor example for my kids, each of whom need a very different caloric intake. It took me a long long time to realize I was punishing myself by being frustrated with these things.

It took me years to nail down the information in that last paragraph but once I did I was able to talk with him about how his “priorities” were affecting me and the kids. It took a bit longer for him to come to grips with it. He didn’t want to let go of the latest fads and he didn’t want to admit that his wants interfered with the family budget. He had a really hard time admitting that when he ‘took care of himself’ by going to the gym or going on long runs; he was inadvertently telling me that his time to take care of himself was more important than being with the family and that he was sending the message that his time was more important than mine. He didn’t stop to think about the three kids and their very different needs and what his message to them might be through his behaviors.

We kept talking and creating little plans to even things out a bit – making sure that there was a budget he would work within for his supplements and shakes, making sure that he could find time for the gym and runs that didn’t interfere with family time and making sure that sometimes he took the reins so I could have time too.

At first he decided I’d just join in with him. But I’m not a band-wagoner so taking supplements beyond a vitamin (maybe) just wasn’t something I wanted to do more less drinking algae or doing a cleanse or whatever new thing he was up to. I’m not a runner – I couldn’t keep up with him and when I needed to stop and walk a while he’d get frustrated that I wasn’t trying hard enough. We moved our workouts into a gym that we both joined and tried to do partner exercises but I wasn’t able to keep up and it affected the quality of his workouts. We found a different gym where he could go lift or do cardio while I took a dance class. We went for hikes and he let me set the pace rather than runs where he set the pace. We chatted with our family doctor about what’s really healthy with all the supplements and diet stuff. We ate family meals together, leaving his “I need to eat a ½ carton of egg whites and a large can of tuna and a flax seed, fish oil mixture” for when the kids were at school.

We’ve worked through this for the most part. I had to admit that it didn’t do anyone any good for me to be jealous of his ability to find time and stay fit. I had to stop being angry and start being a problem solver. I had to stop being a martyr and start being proactive and empowered. I also had to stop deciding that I was the out-of-shape-ugly one in our duo and start making the healthy choices that worked for me. I had to find the healthy lifestyle that worked for me and learn how to make that time a priority.

It’s working much better now and I am hoping that my little tale – from the opposite prospective – might give you some insight into what your wife might be feeling. Feel free to have her friend me on here.

This is my partner and I just last night at a concert.

EDesq

WOW!!! Wait, what, adopting a child?!!! THINK about THIS...you guys are going to bring another Human Being into THIS environment>>>Consciously. All I can say is, "It is NOT the kids, it's the Parents" whatever ever the problem ends up being!

peachfigs

I know it's very easy to think that your wife is being selfish, but really she is just hurting and finding it hard. Try not to take it personally, and understand that she is finding it difficult. It just be hard watching someone achieve something you've wanted to achieve for years, and jealousy is a horrible emotion!

On the other hand, do not feel selfish for continuing with your success. In the end, it can only go two ways... She will leave you or join you. Hopefully it will be the latter. Set an example for her and be understanding