My wife hates my weight loss

CarlieeBear

You seem to be doing a good job not only of loving and communicating with your wife, but also of sifting through the crap in this thread.

You sound like you have a great marriage with good communication. It's hard to have our SO tell us something like this, but if it's honest, it's not emotional blackmail or manipulation. It's an honest sharing of what she's going through.

One thing to keep in mind is that not everyone loses weight via the same method. It sounds like your eating plan doesn't work for her. Part of that is undoubtedly psychological. I know that if I weren't allowed to eat a little bit of junk...even every day...as long as I'm within my calorie deficit, I couldn't do this. Maybe you could serve some carbs for her and make a favorite meal of hers occasionally...maybe once/week or month. That might help her stop binging on the side.

Make sure you are letting her know every day how beautiful and wonderful she is. Don't just tell her, show her. We women need that. My bf does a great job of letting me know he finds me attractive...I see it in his face as well as his words and actions.

Does she know how you are feeling?

I like the idea of asking her to join you in working out. Maybe you could go to Zumba with her, even if you don't like it.

My blog on here tells my story. When my bf was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes the end of last summer neither of us was surprised. He'd been crazy thirsty for months. He started cutting out carbs and gently encouraging me to eat better for my health. It took me a couple weeks of binging on carbs and sweets before I was ready. I started on MFP the day after he did. I'm much more diligent and have lost a lot more than he has. He's been slipping in his eating since he started cutting back on his smoking. He's gained a good bit of his loss back. He still totally encourages me and seems to be getting his eating back on track. I mostly back off on saying anything, but we talk about his eating. I'm careful to be gentle and to emphasize his health.

Keep loving her and reassuring her and communicating with her...and let her choose her method.

CarlieeBear

Do you think she might also be afraid you'll become like your father?

Kath712

She works a stressful job, is going through a rough time with hospitalized family members, has non-obesity related medical problems, and we are in the process of adopting a child. I can see where as an emotional eater that would make things seem more difficult to overcome. Maybe I am minimizing things, but I feel like those aren't good excuses because if it is not those things, there always seems to be some major stressors in our lives. We can't wait until those stresses are gone to start, because there will always be something else.

You said it right there. ^^^ There will always be a reason to eat compulsively. I know from personal experience. Until she deals with the underlying issues and turns to other coping mechanisms, she will always turn to her old stand-by, food, for comfort. You are obviously a very caring husband for seeing through her comments and realizing it's not about the food or your own progress. I wish you luck in helping her see that she needs to deal with her issues. Keep doing what you are doing, for yourself.

kimdarren

First thing I'll do is apologise, cause I'm about to rant! I wasnt' going to comment but I kept coming back to your blog and I really feel that I have to say something. :blushing:

You're wife is not taking responsibility for HER own actions and looking for a scapegoat. I mean that in the nicest of ways. You said she has health problems that are not weight related, well, get ready for this!

I have; early stages of osteoporosis, LUPUS, fibromyalgia, anemia, type 2 diabetic (not weight related), Irritable bowel syndrome, anemia and retinopothy (loosing my vision in a nutshell). AND i've had 4 malignant melanomas taken off of my face. I've had the first 3 conditions for over 14yrs, and I've been on STERIODS the WHOLE time, so how do you propose I lost 33lbs WHILE ON STERIODS. I'm not able to excercise in any way/shape/form either other than walking with a walker or using a wheelchair when I have a 'flare-up'. Loosing weight is all up to ME!!!!!! No-one else puts the food into my mouth, no-one else tells me to hide in the bathroom to eat something I shouldn't, no-one else told me to eat 2 chocolate bars hiding in my room when I was depressed, angry or upset. Oh, by the way, I also sufferred with depression for 3 yrs BEFORE anything else was diagnosed. Oh yes, I should add that my husband and I are the proud parents to TWO autistic children (aged 16 & 18).

I'm not looking for sympathy or a pity party, and I'm not telling you this to be horrible to your wife. You can't help those who don't want to help themselves. I can't control all of those other things things that have happened in my life or those things that are wrong with me, but I can control what I'm shoving into my gob! It wasn't easy, to be honest, it was one of the hardest bloody things i've ever done. But, as time goes on, it does get easier. It has taken 1&1/2 yrs to get to this frame of mind. But I didn't put all of this weight on overnight. Anything worth doing takes time. Of course I fell off the path, many more times than I care to remember. I just tell myself 'oh well, I slipped, next meal is a new beginning' rather than beating myself up about it and bingeing again.

I suppose I've written this more for your wife than you really, She needs to man up and stop blaming everyone or everything else. It's her hand that puts the food into her mouth!!!!!

By the way, congratulations on your weight loss, keep going

Best of luck
Kim

smantha32

You need to do this for yourself and your wife sounds slightly selfish for even sharing those thoughts without thinking they would cut a little.

Also "Although she grumbles about the meals because they are not the massive carb bombs she would prefer, she does eat them." sounds more like your wife was happy being the size she was and was comfortable that you were both in the same boat. Now that you're not it's not all jealousy, it's resentment because you're 'spoiling' the comfortable place she was in.

Yeah I'm kind of thinking this too.
You can offer to help her get in better shape, but you can't make her do it herself. And please don't let her emotional antics ruin your own fitness.

edited for spelling.

smantha32

My husband and I used to fight a lot -- so much so that we separated for a year. I think that one characteristic that is commonly shared by compulsive overeaters is co-dependency. The thing that we learned while we were separated is that we are two individual people with different needs, yet we are both competent, capable and able to meet our own needs. What my husband chooses to eat, or how he chooses to use his free time (on the couch), are his business. What I choose to eat and how I choose to use my free time (at the gym) are my business.

It took us a long time to learn that not everything the other does needs to be personalized by the other. Ultimately, your wife needs to realize that she is responsible for the choices she makes regarding food, weight and health. What you eat or don't eat is not a direct condemnation of her lifestyle, and vice versa. If seeing you make positive changes and lose weight triggers negative emotions for her, she needs to own that. The emotions that drive compulsive eating and shame are not logical emotions, and those of us who suffer from them should not logically expect others to alter their course in order to be accommodated.

Well said!

skinnyinnotime

You sound like a wonderful, caring husband. Please continue with your healthy lifestyle and weight loss, you're doing this for you, you're entitled to do this!!

As much as your wife is being 'honest' with you, ultimately it's not your recent success that is making her eat more, it's entirely her choice.

Also, you are right about stress in life, if we all waited for harmony in our lives to do something we would be waiting forever. Stress is part of our lives and we need to cope with it and not use it as an excuse to stop us achieving our goals.

Good luck in your continued lifestyle change.

MeIShouldB

OK I am a woman, and I am going to be totally straight with you. It is totally possible and probably common that she feels bad that you are losing weight she has always wanted to lose, BUT there comes a point when SHE has to take responsibility for her own health. Rather than sulking and making you feel guilty for doing what is best for your health, she needs to learn to use you as an inspiration to get herself in gear. I think she is taking it to a point where she's using this to justify why she is gaining rather than looking at the real reason....herself. She needs to change her outlook about your weightloss. She needs to be proud of you not make you feel guilty. You guys can work out together! When I started losing weight, my boyfriend wasn't doing it with me. Honestly I thought he wouldn't like it because he has been with big girls in the past. But after awhile, he saw the change in me and said I inspired him. We have started working out together and he has lost 10 pounds (it's also been pretty great bonding time). Outside of telling her that no matter how fit you get, you will not stop loving her, and trying to get her to workout with you...there isn't much YOU can do. This is something only she can fix, and it has to start with her taking responsibility for the current state of her body. I mean after all, you don't hold her down and force feed her junk food.

Frogoutofwater

I think your ability to relate to how your wife feels is going to help both of you a lot in this situation.

There already has been a lot of good advice on this board. I'll suggest just a couple of other points to consider.

Everyone faces a unique package of challenges when it comes to dealing with food issues in a weight loss program. You mentioned that your wife is more of an emotional eater and has a bit of a sweet tooth, and that you're not affected much by either of these. If your wife does decide to start eating healthier, I think that one step that will help you both will be to share with each other what each of you finds challenging (and relatively easy). Then you can plan meals and snacks that accommodate both of your needs. For example, I have a weakness for tortilla chips. If they're in the house, I'll eat them. My husband is a 6' marathoner who can eat pretty much all the carbs he wants. I don't try to stop him from having chips in the house - I just ask him to get flavoured ones because I only like plain ones. That way, he gets to eat what he wants and I'm not tempted. Similarly, he has a weakness for ice cream (especially chocolate ice cream) but doesn't like low fat frozen yogurt that much. So when I feel like having some ice cream, I buy froyo, because both of us can eat a little without binging. I think at some point in this process (maybe not yet), it will help your wife to see some of your vulnerabilities and if you know hers, then you can plan together how to deal with them. For example, if she's eating junk away from home, maybe you could find some healthier choices that satisfy her cravings (e.g., a tasty low fat yogurt instead of ice cream, for example, or flavoured air-popped popcorn instead of chips). Then she won't feel the need to sneak food.

On the exercise front, you might be able to take some steps now to encourage her to become more active, but with a focus on fun and "small steps" at first. This is an area where your wife might feel intimidated by your exercise program, especially if you're already racking up the hours, doing strength training, etc. Start with fun, short activities. As others have suggested, a walk after dinner when you can hold her hand (to show her in front of the world that you still are attracted to her), talk about your day and plan for the weekend. It doesn't have to a long walk - it could be just around the block if that's all she wants to do. Or how about putting on some music and dancing for a couple of songs together? Again, that's an activity that shows you're attracted to her and it can be quite a good workout. Even if she just starts moving for 10-15 minutes a day, it will make a difference. I also find that while it can be hard to start and stick to a diet, if I get active first, my mood improves, I have more energy and I'm more motivated to stick to a healthy eating plan.

I wish you the best with your own journey to a healthier life and hope that your wife will decide to join you soon.

kiaslimsdown

The best advice ive read yet... I agree she may subconsiously believe that he is going to leave her and I also agree that he should see if she want to join in on his efforts.

misspastry

Come on everyone. Enough of this boo hoo, feel bad for his wife crap. She is jealous because she doesn't have the motivation to get her lazy butt and do the work it takes to lose weight. She is clearly selfish.

Bet you're not in a relationship are you.

Actually I am. have been for 3 years. Just don't have sympathy for people who are resentful.

emills1970

This message board says "MOTIVATION AND SUPPORT". It doesn't say CRITICISM. Some of these comments should have been kept silent.

This^^^

samanthachen

You need to do this for yourself and your wife sounds slightly selfish for even sharing those thoughts without thinking they would cut a little.

If you are cooking the meals etc it isn't too much of a leap for her to just stick to what you're making for dinner etc.

Maybe workout her ideal intake with her and show her what she can/cant have for that amount in food and get her to help cook/make lunches to make her feel like she's involved and that you will support her in her weightloss too if she really wants to tackle it.

I agree! It isn't fair for her to put down your accomplishment by placing the blame of her gain on you. She is responsible for what goes into her body. That said, she is a woman and weight is a scary topic for many of us.

Remind her that you love her no matter what, and remind her that you will be there for her until she is ready to make the choice for herself! I believe, more likely than not, that she will slowly start making positive changes because she sees you doing it. She might be in this downward phase now, but it will turn around! She is lucky to have someone so understanding. Her words were harsh, but I think she is just scared!

Good luck!

sunsnstatheart

I expected the typical rant here, but you sound like an incredibly supportive and patient husband. Perhaps try couples therapy or at least help your wife get some therapy for her food issues. In any event, all you can do is do what is necessary for your health and continue to support your wife. She sounds very insecure and perhaps there are other emotional issues that are driving her eating problem.

Edit: removed the unnecessary arm chair quarterbacking.

samanthachen

This message board says "MOTIVATION AND SUPPORT". It doesn't say CRITICISM. Some of these comments should have been kept silent.

^Agreed. We are allowed to offer advice that may be honest and assertive in parts, but there's no excuse to cut down a person that isn't even here to defend herself. We can admit that his wife's words were a bit selfish and hurtful, but she isn't doing to to be a bad wife and person. Most likely, she is scared: scared of losing him and scared of making the change for herself.

kimosabe1

invite her to the gym once or twice a week. There are tons of overweight peeps at my gym! Get her started slow. thirty mins on a treadmill and influence her! Buy her leggings or sport pants and tell her u want her involved and plan a trip to some place with a beach and tell her let's both of us get swim suit bodies.

timpicks

My wife embarked on a healthy lifestyle before me, and I grumbled about it and resisted for a long time. Her good habits didn't bother me, but I didn't adopt them either. Neither of us ever had obesity problems, but I was a bit overweight and in denial about it. She stayed with it and after a while I gradually fell in line so that doing the right thing became the new normal. So stick with it, be cool by being positive and supportive, and she'll come around eventually (and be grateful too).

wait1966

From a womans' perspective- is there something major that could be causing her to be unable to either support you or join you on your weight loss endeavour? What is the bigger picture? You mention many stresses to your lives, including being about to adopt- I wonder what the back story is for this and whether that is contributing to your wives state of mind? Some of the other posts suggest couples counselling which you both may find helpful. Good-luck.

queenbear5

I've watched my brother and his wife go through a very similar cycle for years. He wants to lose weight and get healthy, as soon as he drops twenty or thirty pounds, his wife gets really jealous and does/says anything to knock him off track. By the next time he comes to visit, he's put back on all the weight he lost and is miserable, and his wife is back to her usual slightly less miserable self. Misery loves company... It makes me crazy to see how he allows himself to be controlled. He loves exercising and was in terrific shape before he got married. We used to have so much fun together. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!! You deserve to be healthy and happy. By setting a good example and not giving up because your wife is not ready to join you, she'll soon see that getting healthy is a doable and worthwhile endeavor. The both of you will be better for it in the end. And if that doesn't motivate you, think of the medical bills when you two are older... When it comes to eating healthy you either pay now or you pay later. Best of luck.

hazelovesfood

I think that you are making her more selfconcious, but not enough for her to want to do anything about it. I know you said, she has struggled with her weight for years, why???????? Because she has never had the mind set you now have, really she doesnt want to lose weight and you dropping weight is making her look bad.I know that may sound harse but it could well be true, my hubby has been very overweight for years and years now, and as a result he is now diabetic. But for some reason he has turned a little leaf over, we decided to go to the gym together, and now he has a personal trainer, twice a week ,- who really works him hard. He was always the type of person who just didnt care, but what im saying is i think something needs to hit her mind to make her change too. Yes she might think, you will leave her when you have lost all your weight, but i hope you wont. You sound like a very thoughtfull and caring husband, and i think you need shock tactics maybe,. have another talk and tell her , your so worried for her too, your worried you wont spend your golden years together, tell her you want her to be around when your old and grey.Maybe, just maybe, this will hit a point in her mind. Make plans and dream together of what they new you and her will be like.

SoDamnHungry

You can suggest she should try going to a therapist to deal with her emotional eating. Or try to get her into losing weight together? You're definitely not the one being selfish here.

mmddwechanged

Awe. I hope that your conversation helped the situation. It sounds like you had a very honest discussion. I have had similar issues with family members and I know that what I have to say is easier to say than do: first. You are not harming her by being healthy! You are not responsible for her eating. Second, you can't control her or what she eats. So if you did bring unhealthy food in the house that would be ok. If you both ate ice cream together that would be ok. You are looking after yourself so that you can be the best father you can be. You can help her feel better about herself by just loving her like you do and accepting her for who sbe is like I think you do. Don't let her convince you to think that there is something wrong with her. Stay strong:). Congratulations on the adoption too!

BinaryPulsar

I haven't read the comments, so maybe you shared more info. I just want to say that it sounds like your wife needs some kind of therapy or group support (possibly a 12 step group) to deal with her emotional eating. Ultimately it is the right thing to do for you and her to get healthier, and it's not right for her to blame your healthy changes for her dysfunction. You will continue to be healthy because you do not want to be in a co-dependent or enabler type of marriage. Your wife has stated she has a problem, so you could support her in getting help. This is the same for all problems such as alcoholism. What if this were drugs or alcohol. And your wife said that every time you don't drink and then make positive strides in your life, she has one more drink and drinks for two alcoholics. That would be unacceptable. It's fantastic that you are adopting a child. So, this is the best time for your wife to learn healthy ways of dealing with her emotions and issues. It will benefit her as a mother and in setting an example for your child, and for being around and able to actively play with your child.

YouAreTheShit

Thank you for sharing your situation with us. Unfortunately I think this situation is all too common in relationships. I want to encourage you, however, to continue along the road to discovering a healthier you, and hopefully, and a healthier household. But make no mistake, you have to do this for you. You have to rise above the noisy criticism and false guilt and manipulation from the person who loves you the most in your life, and make this happen because it matters to YOU!! Don't look back and be concerned about her poor choices as a result of your wise choices. In the end she will either be for you or against you. Either way, you win. Hopefully you will win together, but if not, you still win by choosing a healthier and longer life.

I agree with the others that she needs therapy in order to best deal with her emotions and her behavior. All the best to you.

ReinasWrath

okay so I can understand where shes coming from and I can see how that could in turn dampen things for you. Weight loss can be super frustrating especially when you turn it into a competition (whether you make it into one consciously or not). All I can say is try to do all you can to encourage her and highlight her progress to her.

RVfrog

Do it for yourself. Your wife is the one with the problem. Lead by example and don't let her problem take you away from making yourself healthy. Hopefully she will get it together. Her talking......are all excuses ....and she will either get on the ball or be one miserable lady. KEEP ON losing and becoming healthier. YOU deserve it. I'm losing and hubby isn't as interested. I'm doing it for my health.....he plays around with it. To each his own. Jealousy is a hard pill to swallow and she is having a hard time with it. Good luck.

ALittleBitLess1

Sounds like your wife is not wanting to take responsibility. Which is how most of us end up in this situation.
Put the responsibility or 'power' back to her -
If she is not happy what is she going to do about it?
Sounds like you have the control re shopping and cooking, thought she may say this is what she wants, she may need to take some of the 'power' back.

Well done of what you have achieved so far, keep at it and think realistically. eating is a big sociable part of our society, perhaps too much - if you were giving up smoking and she wasn't, would you go back to smoking more just to have something to do together??

Sqeekyjojo

I'm probably a bit blunter than some on this thread.

'My taking care of myself means I'm forcing YOU to deliberately harm yourself? Seriously? I'm buying the ice cream and pouring it in? I'm making you eat other stuff when I'm not here? Where's the feeding tube and restraints, then?'


She's a grown adult who is using emotional blackmail like a child - she obviously doesn't do well at adult conversation, but she seems to be adept at passive aggressive means of control.



Don't let her whining about how horrid you're being to poor little old her affect you. Do this for your health.

Her health is her problem. And until she realises that and takes responsibility for her own actions, don't let her convince you that you're the one who is being unreasonable.

CrazyTrackLady

Lol. She could try zumba gold. It's more modified for older people, but it would also be good for those of us with joint issues. I'll probably be doing it before too long!

Whoa here. I teach Zumba and I take Zumba. I'm 48 and I keep up very well, thank you very much.

asm03

I think you sound like such a great husband. My husband and I have been struggling with our weight too. It is so hard when the other partner in the marriage is not motivated. When both are in it together, there is not stopping either person. Continue to be the strong husband for her, but remember that your weight loss is first. She is obviously jealous and unmotivated right now, and you giving up will not help the situation. I hope things get easier!